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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
StScholastica · 18/12/2024 22:50

Have a look at the "Hub of Hope" app.
It shows you what help is available in your area, there really are lots of local voluntary agencies that offer befriending.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:51

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:41

MIL is on end of life care and likely to pass away in the next few days, so emotions are running high.

they own a small flat worth around £100k. He has a reasonable pension, not sure how much.

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be - especially now that the nurse has invited him to move in 🙄.

How on earth is she fully funded while owning a house? No wonder council tax is so brutal.

She has a house and none of it has to go towards her care?? That's baffling.

I thought homeowners had to sell up to fund their care? That's a hell of a loophole if not.

Just get married and one is absolved of paying care home fees?

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 22:52

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:51

How on earth is she fully funded while owning a house? No wonder council tax is so brutal.

She has a house and none of it has to go towards her care?? That's baffling.

I thought homeowners had to sell up to fund their care? That's a hell of a loophole if not.

Just get married and one is absolved of paying care home fees?

Because he still lives in it. They can’t throw him out on to the streets to fund her care.

Autumnalmists · 18/12/2024 22:53

I guess for 5 years visiting his wife in a home has been his life. And when there will be served tea and biscuits etc and that part of his life, sadly will soon be over.

are there local cafes he can go to to get his refreshments?

how hard for his Daughter having to be there 4 times a week.

a two week self funded stay in a care home might give him a taster.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:54

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 22:52

Because he still lives in it. They can’t throw him out on to the streets to fund her care.

But surely a charge is put on the house after he dies?

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 22:55

@oakleaffy because the home is occupied by a family member no

Peoniesandcats · 18/12/2024 22:58

What about getting a carer in to help and keep him company in the house?

Isatis · 18/12/2024 22:59

DowntonNabby · 18/12/2024 22:32

Who made you the thread police?

Yes, we can all read that he doesn't have funds to cover more than two years but that's not to say he wouldn't get continuity of care provided by his local authority after that. If you read OP's other thread, it sounds like he's in a lot worse shape than she has said on this one.

He would have to be absolutely mad to go into a care home in the vague hope that his health might get bad enough within two years to enable him to stay. What do you suggest he should do if that. doesn't happen?

Satlie2019 · 18/12/2024 23:00

Could he look into supported living/ extra care flats? Some are run by housing authorities and very reasonable to buy or rent. They are a kind of half way house between sheltered accommodation and a residential home.

I can understand that he might want to be near your MIL, but unless he has a lot of money a nursing home is probably too expensive from what you say, as you are paying for the care he does not need. Supported living flats often have cafes on site, so he could buy all his meals there if he liked. Think you can often also pay to have laundry and cleaning done through them too.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:00

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 22:55

@oakleaffy because the home is occupied by a family member no

Well that's a good way to wriggle out of care home fees...just get a family member to move in.

Plastictrees · 18/12/2024 23:00

I feel quite sorry for this man, he’s clearly lonely and possibly struggling with his mental health - essentially losing his wife to dementia. You don’t say how long they’ve been together. It doesn’t sound like you have much empathy or compassion for him. Depression can often present as a lack of motivation in older people, often a sort of learned helplessness if they’ve been dependent on partners, there is often anxiety there too about getting out and about and meeting new people. He will be grieving for the life he had with his wife. He is trying to illicit care by seeming helpless but the need is valid - he wants company and care. How much time does he spend with other people? Can a befriending service be used? Does he seem happier around others?

I echo other people’s suggestions of supported housing or retirement villages, these can be expensive but if he can afford it then so be it - lots of them are lovely with cafes on sight and organised community events. Has he had any support regarding his wife’s illness? Watching someone you love become a stranger is a unique type of grief that can be so isolating. There are various carers groups facilitated throughout the country that can be so helpful, the organisers can be really useful and know a lot about these sorts of issues you describe. Age UK is good too. Wishing he and you all the best.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:01

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:00

Well that's a good way to wriggle out of care home fees...just get a family member to move in.

Well yes, it’s well known that there are financial benefits to the contract of marriage.

Nothatgingerpirate · 18/12/2024 23:02

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 21:30

If he's self funding why is this a problem? Not every home is a care home in the truly medical sense. Some are more like retirement homes.

This situation is sort of the dream, isn't it? So many people spend years trying to convince their parents that they need to be in a care environment because they're a danger to themselves. How refreshing that someone wants to take control of how they spend this last chapter?

Yes, good one.
If only this guy could fund it as long as he needs - ideal.

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 23:02

@oakleaffy well, no. It's not quite that simple. There are multiple factors that come into play

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:03

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:01

Well yes, it’s well known that there are financial benefits to the contract of marriage.

No wonder councils are broke.

A friend works in a very good Nursing home, but they only take self funders.
Too many try to wriggle out and get the council tax payers to pay for them.

Aspargar · 18/12/2024 23:05

Sounds like he’s giving up. I don’t think it’s so much that he wants to be catered for, it sounds more like he’s retreating from life. Which is a sign of depression.

Book an appointment for the GP to assess him.

If he self funds, he will quickly run out of money and the council will not cover the costs if he is fit and healthy. So he would have to leave the home. Therefore, it’s extremely unlikely that the home would admit him in the first place.

Try and find out how much he has with his pension, would it stretch to a cleaner coming in?
or perhaps a little bit of redecorating to make the home more comfortable and practical for him to maintain? Declutter/streamline to make the flat much more manageable.

Isatis · 18/12/2024 23:05

minipie · 18/12/2024 22:39

Not sure this is true if he has no medical need for a care home

It isn't. Many local authorities are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. They really don't have money to spare to pay for care homes for people who don't need to be there.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:08

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:03

No wonder councils are broke.

A friend works in a very good Nursing home, but they only take self funders.
Too many try to wriggle out and get the council tax payers to pay for them.

The woman in question (OP’s MIL) has advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia. I’m not sure she’s trying to wriggle out of anything!

Isatis · 18/12/2024 23:10

Autumnalmists · 18/12/2024 22:41

some Nursing homes do a day care facility once or more a week. Where people are there for the day, meals and then go home, having to pay a daily rate. Can he do that?

or look for a housekeeper to do what he needs, if he can self fund.

there are elderly groups he can attend - U3A ones, church ones etc. can he fill his week up with activities.

OP has said that he can, but he won't, because he wants everything to be brought to him. It's not unusual, to be honest. When my mother was in her 80s and on her own, she lived in sheltered accommodation where there were regular activities laid on many of which she would have enjoyed, but she just wouldn't go even though all she had to do was walk along the corridor, get into a lift and go downstairs. I vividly remember her refusing to go to a history discussion group because she claimed she knew every single thing there is to know about history already. I have to tell you that she didn't.

ttcat37 · 18/12/2024 23:13

SnoopysHoose · 18/12/2024 22:33

@ttcat37
Why does it bother you so much? He wants to be looked after. He has the money. Let him be looked after.
he can only afford 18/24 months max, he has no need.
He's refused every offer to alleviate loneliness, he sounds very spoiled and lazy and far too used to being waited on.

But it’s his money? It’s not OP’s problem when the money runs out. As long as it’s clear to him that they can’t pay once the money’s gone, I don’t see why OP thinks she gets a say in this. He’s probably extremely lonely and struggling with anticipatory grief, it’s not fair to say he is spoiled and lazy.

GettingStuffed · 18/12/2024 23:14

How about hiring a Companion. Someone who will pop in for a few hours to keep him company.

If he doesn't want to cook then companies like Wiltshire Farm Foods provides nutritionally balanced meals that you can just bung in the microwave.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:15

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 22:25

Try and find a home for your fil, him wanting to go in a care home is the biggest hurdle sorted.

My late mum was double incontinent, couldn't walk, talk, feeding was by a tube.
Dementia didn't know who anyone in the family was.
Yet she didn't qualify for free care.
How did your mil get it.

This is what annoys everyone that there is no consistency in who gets or doesn't get help.
Mums house sold for £137k. When she died and probate was sorted.
My 2 brothers, sister and I received £125 each.
Yes I'm glad she was looked after so well as some of the homes were awful.

It seems incredibly unfair that some people get luxury care, for free, while owning property, yet people like your Mum had to self fund because she didn't have a husband living in the house she owned!

There are awful care homes, and very good ones.

The good ones tend to be self funded, and they have staff that stay for years , and a high ratio of staff to residents.

My friend works in one and loves it, loves the residents, but it costs a fortune to stay there.

Supersimkin7 · 18/12/2024 23:19

She can shake uncontrollably. I expect that’s what @oakleaffy means.

It’s very sad. @oakleaffy A lot of people think that if the public sector keeps humans with no function alive, needing 300 quid’s worth of care a day cos they can’t speak, see, hear, think, move, feed or shit, the public sector gets to pay for it.

For a decade or two.

Until the brain rots so badly it chokes the person to death. Which they do feel.

In the next generation there won’t be houses to sniff for, as you put it. The council will have had the lot.

Turmerictolly · 18/12/2024 23:22

TheGander · 18/12/2024 22:38

If the money runs out while he is in a care home the local authority would step in to either pick up paying for the home, or possibly move him to a cheaper one. He wouldn’t be chucked onto the street.

No they won't. He'll have to apply to the council as a homeless person.

Itsannamay · 18/12/2024 23:25

There's a scheme in Ireland where you rent out some rooms in your house for a reduced rent in exchange for company (making the tea etc!), helping in general for a fews hours a week. Company is a key part...it does sound like a lonely life when he is so reluctant to leave.

Maybe you have something similar.

thehomeshare.ie/

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