FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

[rickyrickygrimes]

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

He can’t afford it, are the any day centres he could go to a few times per week?

Would he have enough to pay for a housekeeper? Someone who comes in the morning, makes breakfast, prepares something for lunch, does the laundry and a bit of cleaning and then comes back in the evening to make a meal.
If he went into a home expecting to his personal care to be done when he’s capable I think he’d get a shock, as carers would encourage him to do what he can for himself.

Many homes have a lot of residents with dementia or conditions that confine them more or less to their room. I think he might be more lonely than he thinks in a care home, even without the problem of funding. As previous posters have suggested, sheltered accommodation with some kind of communal space would suit him much better from the sound of things. He’d still have to take care of himself though. Of course, he might not want to do anything because he is depressed. That is worth exploring if you haven’t already.

He sounds lonely. However he doesn't have the money for a home. The finances you describe wouldn't cover it for the rest of his life. He can't live with family? He sounds quite high maintenance so I would imagine that would be tricky. House keeper/companion? In London I think there's a scheme called homeshare, not sure if that's nationwide.

Who made you the thread police?

Yes, we can all read that he doesn't have funds to cover more than two years but that's not to say he wouldn't get continuity of care provided by his local authority after that. If you read OP's other thread, it sounds like he's in a lot worse shape than she has said on this one.

@ttcat37
Why does it bother you so much? He wants to be looked after. He has the money. Let him be looked after.
he can only afford 18/24 months max, he has no need.
He's refused every offer to alleviate loneliness, he sounds very spoiled and lazy and far too used to being waited on.

His wife is in a care home, while he's at home alone.

I'm not surprised he wants to go and be with her. It must be awful for him.

I was thinking a cruise might be preferable at this point. I read an article a while ago about people paying a significant amount (can't remember what it was) for a permanent cabin on a new ship. Most found that it wasn't the ideal housing solution they were hoping for as, despite the travel, a number got bored after a few years and were then stuck with a cabin that they either couldn't rent/sell back to the company.

But OP, if he wants to be looked after and he has the money, why not suggest a 6 month cruise? He'd be around people, would see new places and have entertainment on top, access to medical care on board in case of emergency etc. He wouldn't be waited on hand and foot, but if that's truly what he wants, he could hire a housekeeper and a companion.

Ok OP, he can't afford a nice residential home unless he is prepared to accept that in 2 years time he could be homeless.
A lot of people think that once the money runs out the state picks up the tab but this doesn't happen.
In your situation I would work with him to try to work out how you can improve his current situation. He sounds depressed, not surprising given that his wife is very gravely poorly, but has he seen a GP re this?
There are a lot of services targeting wellbeing these days, even things like NHS volunteers who will ring him regularly and befriend him. There are also services like lunch clubs, home carers, older person's day trips, all sorts!
Have a look online at what's available in your area.

Just an idea though, could he book himself in for a couple of weeks over Christmas to be with his wife at the end of her life. Poor bloke must be going through hell.

There can be a substantial price difference between the cost and features of a nursing home vs a care home.

It sounds like your MIL needs the medical care of a nursing home but your FIL is thinking of the support and social life of a care home. He would, presumably, have to pay nursing home fees if he were to move into the same one as your MIL and I'd be surprised if his money lasted a more than a year (unless homes are substantially cheaper outside the SE).

Would your FIL feel cared for in some hotels or service apartments that cater for permanent residents?

https://www.kayak.co.uk/news/can-you-live-in-a-hotel/

He only has money for 18months!

If the money runs out while he is in a care home the local authority would step in to either pick up paying for the home, or possibly move him to a cheaper one. He wouldn’t be chucked onto the street.

Many homes have a lot of residents with dementia or conditions that confine them more or less to their room. I think he might be more lonely than he thinks in a care home, even without the problem of funding.

Yes I came on to say this. He is unlikely to find much company in most care homes.

Also, physical health tends to deteriorate after moving into a care home - possibly for exactly the reasons your FIL wants it - not doing any of the usual daily tasks and spending a lot of time sitting in a chair and being brought biscuits.

Not sure this is true if he has no medical need for a care home

I don't think he could afford a long cruise either. These are super rich people's solutions.

I do feel for him. He's fed up. I wonder if he might benefit from.a Home Share arrangement where a young person who needs somewhere to live has a room.in his house for a low rent and a number of hours' companionship a week. Plus a patchwork of bits and pieces like a lunch club or two perhaps, ready meals, a cleaner?

He must be absolutely terrified. He's probably not thinking beyond the short term

some Nursing homes do a day care facility once or more a week. Where people are there for the day, meals and then go home, having to pay a daily rate. Can he do that?

or look for a housekeeper to do what he needs, if he can self fund.

there are elderly groups he can attend - U3A ones, church ones etc. can he fill his week up with activities.

What? I don't know where you are living but ours most definitely will not pick up the tab. He will be offered a room in a homeless hostel.

No, they wouldn’t. Not if there is no medical need.

My mum has carers from a care at home agency. They started off cleaning but now will go out for a walk with her, or drive her up to Marks and Sparks for a coffee. They will do anything really and Mum really likes them.
Maybe once the dust is settled, explore that with him.

Ok, I was working in the principle that if you have £25000 or less the local authority pays for your social care. But admittedly that is if you require care.

@oaktreeaandme

Your relations are pleased to see you at Xmas.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous of course it’s a reasonable post! FIL will fund himself until the money runs out then social services will deem him not needing residential care, not pick up the bill and he will effectively be homeless, likely put into sheltered accommodation where he will need to be independent. Of course she should object! Would you agree to a family member doing this knowing the long term outcome? Educate yourself
🙄

This just highlights how important it is to have some savings as you age. It's tempting to downsize to help children and grandchildren onto the housing ladder but that can leave seniors very vulnerable and lacking the financial wherewithal to have choices when choosing how to meet their care needs.