FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

[rickyrickygrimes]

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

It’s all so v tricky OP. You have my sympathy. Having been through the other side, two things I wish I’d done differently- one is not feel any guilt. This is so hard when you feel such a great sense of responsibility. But our parents are adults with their own lives, choices, needs and wants. Giving them the facts in a straightforward way and making them aware of the choices and possibilities is all we can do. If they have capacity, they get to decide for themselves. Once POA kicks in, we have a responsibility to make the best possible decisions for them under the circumstances. But we still have to take their personalities and preferences into account.
The second is not to be too judgmental. It’s frustrating when elderly relatives are not being rational but from their perspective finding a solution to being cared for as they become increasingly frail is understandable.
Be kind to yourself, your DH and SIL. We’re all going to be there at some point ( if we live till old age). You can only did your best. There is no ideal solution.

So is he on the way of getting himself into a carehome?

I'd have thought a sheltered flat would have suited him quite well, some have a small restaurant so he wouldn't have to cook, they all have a laundry room and having someone to clean every so often wouldn't have broken the bank but it sounds as though your dad in law is stubborn. He wants to go into a care home or stay put.

I think you will have to accept that and just do what you can to support him in his own home, which would be far better than a home. I am sorry, it is a worry but that is just how it is and you can't force him to do anything else. If he sees people regularly and has his meals cooked for him, is taken out sometimes, he'll be all right. Poor soul and poor you. It won't be forever. Many of us have been where you are, op, and sympathise. I'm on the verge of it myself now!

This may have been suggested but if he insists on a care home, could his house not be let to pay the fees? My aunt did that, she had dementia and her daughter let her house which covered the cost. Of course, aunt also had her pension for other things. I must admit I dread the thought of residential care and will do my utmost to avoid it but we are all different; he must have fears about living alone and sometimes a home is inevitable if a person develops dementia (my aunt did). From what you say, he hasn't.

The nurse was bang out of order...

@LBFseBrom the costs often don't make sense to rent out the property.

A week in a care home is usually more than £1000. Where I am a three bed semi would rent for about £1500 a month. In many areas a lot less. From that rental amount take off agents' fees, tax, keep a proportion back for maintenance and to cover void periods. The person would need a very large pension to make up the difference to cover the cost of the home.

Why are people talking about 'letting' a grown man do what he wants to do.

The OP and her family can tell him that he will be self funding and once the money goes he may need to move out (or he may have care needs by then). It's his decision though. It's so frustrating when people infantilise people because they're older- when posters here get older do they think their children and children in law should 'let' them decide where to live?

It's not the family's decision though- it's FIL's. May or may not be the wisest decision but that doesn't mean others get to take the decision away from him.

Having a short time to live is fast track CHC which is intended for people who are rapidly deteriorating (usually suspected to be in the last 6 weeks of life). Standard CHC is when someone has a primary health need. It's explained here as people often put confusing and incorrect info out

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-framework-for-nhs-continuing-healthcare-and-nhs-funded-nursing-care

You also absolutely don't get to choose the care home if someone is CHC funded. In my county CHC rates are approx £900 per month and if the care home won't accept that you won't go there. You can only top up for lifestyle choices (bigger room, sea view etc) and not pay extra for the care.

I have had to move many people who have become CHC when in a self funding care home as they won't accept the fees.

And he doesn't even have a 3-bed semi. He has a small flat. The rental on that (minus tax, fees and expenses) wouldn't touch the side of a nursing home bill.

There's different kinds of "home" - there are plenty of retirement homes and small communities that are for elderly people who are in reasonably good health and need no nursing care just wanting access to the kinds of support you describe. They have on site restaurants serving all meals, cleaning services, and lots of clubs and social activities. If a resident starts having serious medical needs or dementia they generally have to move to the other kind of facility unless it's a combined site with a section for the fit/well/compos-mentis and another section for thise who aren't. Nothing like that would be state funded though and the costs are high, so he'd need to be quite wealthy.

We could call it something like 'state pension' and we could make contributions through our salaries.
Oh, wait... we already do that.

Except that OP etc will have to pick up the pieces in two years time when he’s evicted from the care home for failure to pay.

Good luck OP

@GarkandGookin yep but the amounts 'most'people are paying in are negligible compared to care costs and need to be used for general society -

Capacity is a very tricky beast even for professionals where the boundaries and legal responsibilities are clearer. Knowing a relative is grieving, depressed, probably expecting to die very soon himself as many people do expect to when their partner of decades dies (but then rather often DON'T die for many years) and taking a light comment by a member of staff as cosmic guidance or the kind of welcome in his loneliness that sounds like a solution... you'd be mad to just sit back and let him make himself homeless in less than two years. Come on.

To be fair, a well managed nursing home would turn him down. There's no way that he has the funds and they will check. It's of minimal benefit to them to have to try and evict him when he's broke, the reputational risk is huge.

Sorry wrong thread

How is he today? Is he alone right now

He can't afford it if he can only stay for 18 months
He should use his money to have a career