Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Remind her back each time she complains about a shorter visit that she has not provided a bed.

Cut the phonecalls back. Ignore the guilt tripping and do what suits you.

I had this, stayed on an airbed for weeks. Then a bed was bought but I couldn't bring my own sheets, etc.

Whatever moan you try to fix will be replaced by another one. You will not and cannot make her happy. She is not your problem to fix if she is not currently in need of care and even then you don't have to be the solution.

Rock solid boundaries!

I'd buy a cheap blow up bed. Not perfect but better than a chaise.
If you're going to be in London, you can hire a futon! Amazing!

https://fatllama.com/uk/i/hire-japanese-style-foldable-futon-mattress-x-2--99162642

Order an airbed and pump to be delivered to your DM's house and sleep on that

sorry should have mentioned - not allowed airbed. DM doesn't like the look of it. I have tried so many suggestions. Similar problem with clothes. All wardrobes are full of DM clothes so I have nowhere to hang mine but it irks her that my clothes are hanging over chairs. My shoes, my suitcase. I always feel like she kind of wants me there but doesnt. Over the years I brought clothes so I do not have to carry too much when I travel but every time I am there she asks me what to do with my clothes as if she does not want them there.

This. She’s being a bitch wanting you to come stay but not providing a bed, AND guilt tripping you. Ridiculous. Like, personality disorder level of bitchiness.

Tell her no bed, no visit. Don’t be treated like that.

I would choose feeling guilty over feeling burning resentment, the guilt will fade.

Defo, no space, stay nearby for a short amount of time.

She can't have it both ways.

Look up FOG and grey rock.

I would not be going if there wasn't a bed to sleep in.

You must be mad to be tolerating this. It’s an abusive relationship, it’s coercive control. You are trying to appease an abuse r and as you have found out that doesn’t work.

Book a room for yourself, then tell her. Don’t discuss it, don’t justify it just say you are staying there. If she threatens you or tells you not to bother then don’t go. I know it won’t be easy, but you’ll start to feel better about yourself almost immediately.

She can't have it both ways, she either wants you to stay for longer so makes it comfortable and welcoming, or you stay in a hotel and drop by. The ball is in her court. She has a choice. If she chooses to begrudge you a comfortable night, then she doesn't get to demand you spend time with her. It really is that simple. I'd write her an email / post card / text (depending on her favoured written communication style), and then she has it in 'black and white.'
It's time for you to stick to your guns. Don't feel guilty. If she likes a drama just keep it factual.
"Dear mum, I'm looking forward to seeing you dreading doing my 'duty', but as you know, unfortunatelyI'm not as young as I was my back and joints are troublesome, and it means I need a decent bed and mattress to sleep on. If you are able to replace the thing of torcher masquerading as a bed sofa bed then I'll be able to spend more time with you. Currently as things stand I'm booked into a nearby hotel because it far less hassle love and kisses resentfully Tangoonfriday."
Then leave it up to her.

Book a hotel and visit every day. Tell her when you get there.

When she complains, just say ‘Mum, I’ve told you I can’t sleep on the chaise, and you won’t buy a bed or let me bring an air mattress, so I had no choice.’ Repeat, repeat, repeat as needed.

This is similar to my relationship with my mother. I also live five hours away. I would go with either, “That chaise longue is terrible to sleep on, as I told you. I can’t stay longer or I will risk injuring my back” or staying in a hotel and telling her after the fact that you’ve booked it, because you need a good night’s sleep, or getting an airbed and saying it’s me plus airbed or no airbed, no me. Tbh I think the right answer is to stay elsewhere and learn not to rise to her triggers. She treats you like crap.

This.

Your mum sounds similar to my Uncle who lived 400 miles away from his only brother. He never married so always in his own. In all his years I think he only ever traveled to see my Dad once. As he got older, my Dad started to go and visit him for a few days and he called it his ‘self-catering holiday’ because despite the fact that he stayed with his DB he was never offered food or drink. His brother would actually carry on preparing food for himself, like his DB wasn’t there. Dad was expected to buy his own food shopping for his stay, which he would. But, if my dad was going to get a fish supper, his brother would expect him to get him one but not offer to pay for it. Real miser. I do believe there was something psychologically wrong with him with that behaviour. Annoyingly, Dad would go along with it!!

I’m an older woman, and I wouldn’t furnish my spare rooms just for occasional visitors - they have to function all year round.

But I do have a spare/sofa bed, and an air bed, and I always make space for visitors’ clothes, toiletries, devices, and whatever. It’s just bloody rude otherwise. I can’t imagine wanting my guests to be more uncomfortable than necessary.

So, as the mother of adult kids, I advise you to either ignore her and order an air bed and a clothes hanging rail for your visit, or to stay home and enjoy yourself.

I'd be inclined not to visit in the future if she isn't willing to provide a bed or even let you sleep on an air bed. Seeing as you've booked the tickets this time I'd just turn up with the air bed and tell her if it goes then you go, or, more likely, I just book a hotel and tell her you need to sleep in a proper bed.

Ha!
OP, how old are you?
Similar situation here, only my narcissistic mother does provide a bed, in return for all the handyman jobs I do for her in another country.
However, I have a life too, at 45, and a husband.
Haven't visited for five years and no regrets.
Put your life first, noone else is going to do that for you.
👍

This is the way, OP.
no negotiating, no discussion.
Take back your control over your choices.

You can then spend as much or as little time in her company as you choose to and you are sleeping in a decent bed with somewhere to put your clothes.

Hotel.
mother has vetoed the airbed in her house and will just whinge about it constantly.
Hotel has the added benefit of it not being mother’s house.

So, everything's to suit her? Your comfort, finances and opinion don't matter one iota. Fuck that as a way of spending your money and holiday entitlement!

Assuming she's in a position to afford a proper bed she's being incredibly selfish! It's not like she doesn't have the space for one.

I'd refuse to stay with her without a proper bed. And make it clear why you're staying in a hotel. You're still making the effort to visit, she's the one that's making it difficult.

Could she have "forgotten" your age, as in not really processed the implications? Mine sometimes acts like I am still a teenager and could happily still sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag!

The spare room is not used unless I visit. The chaise is there as it fits the space and for the look of it. Never used otherwise. To me it is completely useless and dead space. I suggested to buy a reading lamp as I love reading in bed. Fallen on deaf ears. I am now way too old for this opressive environment and my problem is I am by nature a soft, complying person who only started working on bundaries recently. To me the 5 days is a huge sucess, I am proud of myself. Romanticising those visits has always been my problem where I view it as a wonderful bonding time but it always ends up being full of memory lanes of historic dramas and talking about people who passed away and who did what etc. and what I did or didn't do and my first ex husband who passed away few years ago after us divorced for 15 years. Or there are meal time issues where there is this ruling of eating at certain time (not the times I eat at). Or the getting up issues. So for example if I have my plans I have to adhere around the meal times. I actually feel like I am 12 years old and never had my own life. Or I am being asked to cook something she would like, I then say ok lets make it today, DM will find a reason why not today, then I need to go back so until next time but she will say how again I did not cook this particular dish for her (guilt), and then few days later she will tell me how her friend made it for her and how delicious it was.

Face Time her. From your bed full of luxurious pillows and throws. Wish her Happy Christmas from your own home.

Do that once and you will see that it's the way to go.

If that's a bit too drastic, then a hotel and meals out. No compromises that's the deal.

I'm speaking from experience here. Believe me.