I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Do they know each other well, the two sets of parents?

You have invited your FIL. He has declined the invite. That's no reason not to go ahead with your plans. He is either choosing to be alone at Xmas deliberately or knowing that you will immediately pander to him and change everything just to suit him. Which is it? Either way, you don't actually need to change your plans.

You invited him, he said no. Leave him to it, it’s his choice not to come.

If you live that close then it’s no big thing to get your DH to deliver him his dinner and then come back to your mums. He has told you he doesn’t want to go along with your plans and you can respect that with out tying yourselves into knots to cater to him. He doesn’t want to go, so he stays at home enjoying the quiet he wants and either accepts a dinner delivery or sorts himself out. Simple.

Your DH doesn't have to spend the day with him at all. If your FIL wants lunch at 12 by himself then that's what he has. I suggest you leave your mum's earlier and do your buffet tea at home to include your FIL and that would be a good compromise. But don't send DH to FIL for lunch.

Why can’t you leave him alone in the day, and ask him over to yours in the evening as usual? It’s his choice to refuse to come to your parents, he might change his mind if he sees what the alternative is…

He's been invited, he's said no. Why can't you leave it at that? My widowed MIL hates how people bully her into doing things she doesn't want to do, just so she's not 'alone'. She's also quiet and happier in her own company than being forced to be sociable on someone elses terms.

If there are plans made a certain way for valid reasons.
And fil doesn't want to join in for, I'm sure, his own valid reasons (he won't be happy or comfortable for reasons personal to himself)

Why can't he opt out and you all go ahead? Is he insisting someone keeps him company or is that something you are doing because you can't imagine a solo Xmas lunch is fine?

In your shoes, I'd do your plan, happy in the knowledge fil was included by invitation but declined.
Did he decline graciously or kick up a fuss?

Why not give him Xmas company by letting him come for the evening for Xmas films with your younger DC? That way he's seeing family, not alone all day, but him being dull company doesn't matter - you're all just watching films?

Has he said why he said no? Maybe he wants to be alone?

It's his choice. Why can't you leave him alone?

Pop in for a cup of tea Christmas morning and then head to your parents. You’ve extended the invite and he’s said no.

You've invited him, he's declined
Leave him be.

Your FIL prefers to have lunch on his own, leave him to it. You, your husband and the rest of your family enjoy your Christmas with each other.

If you are close could dh drop over a Christmas meal for him in some tubberware so he gets the meal. Then invite him to join you at home for Christmas movies later and let him decide yes or no.

There are worse things than spending Xmas all alone... Let him retreat to a quiet small Xmas if that's what he wants.

Maybe this widowed man doesn't want to be tucked into another families goings on.
Maybe being in the house of another man his generation who is heading towards the same situation he's in of losing his wife of many years is all a bit too much emotionally - Xmas is a sensitive time and maybe it all brings a lot up for him.

Have you done any negotiation with him? What does he actually want got his first Christmas as a widower? Was he hoping to pretend it's just another day and not have Christmas at all?

Who are you thinking of when you say you can't leave him alone? Is it his needs or your own opinion of yourself?

What about seeing him on another day in the week?

It would be very unwise for your DH to spend Christmas Day with his dad. What if that becomes the expectation for the next 5 years? The most important family unit here is you, DH and DCs, so stick together. It was good to invite FIL. He said no. You should respect that and stick to your plans.

I don't blame him for not being comfortable at theirs. They are not his relations. I would either -

You dh and kids go your parents as planned, when food is ready dh takes 2 plated dinners and spends a couple hours with his dad having food then meets you after.

Or

You all go have a couple hours at fils in the morning maybe do a Xmas breakfast then all go n to your parents

Your FIL may be glad of a reason to break the established routines.

Christmas is incredibly hard for the bereaved and may just be relieved he doesn't have to make the effort any more.

Was it a gracious ‘no thanks’ or a petulant ‘I don’t want to’?
He has been invited and declined, I would not be changing my plans or spending Christmas without DH.

Did he say no with the expectation that your DH would go to him alone or have you just decided that and are projecting assumptions? He might welcome a quieter day with lunch when he wants it. Your DH could always go round in the afternoon/early evening to spend time with him.

This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

Then just be grateful for that, and deal with the reality of now?

Sorry but it seems perfectly reasonable to me that he doesn't want to spend Christmas with what is to him another family. Especially as someone who has enjoyed quiet Christmases in the past.

Why can't your DP have lunch with him then join you? You have spent 25 years having him for the whole of Christmas, but can't compromise even a little here for an elderly recent widower, your FIL of 26 years?

It's not his first Christmas as a widower @PermanentTemporary, his wife died in 2020.

OP - I agree with the other posters. You've invited him, it's up to him if he wants to accept, the rest of you should carry on.

There's nothing in your post that suggests fil insisted his son keep him company.

Have you just taken that upon yourself because, without realising, you've got into an unbendable expectation in your mind that everyone rally together at Xmas...
Forgetting that all this adaptation and change to lifes altering circumstance, which is lovely... Could include an adaptation for some to bow out of the big occasion if that's to their preference.

If it was anyone except your FIL, I'd say leave him to it, but I get that it's not nearly as simple as that. You're all grieving in a way - him for his wife and you for the slow disappearance of your mother.

I know I'm going against the grain here, but in your position I'd call over to chat to FIL on your own. Explain that you're finding it tough this year with your mum's health, and you'd really appreciate his support. Explain that he can come over to yours after 6pm, but that it wouldn't be the same without him for the meal. Reassure him that you understand that it's odd for him, but that you'll take care of him and make him feel very welcome.

Christmas is tough for so many people for so many reasons.**

This. Christmas can be an awful time for anyone who has lost a loved one.