I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

I’m glad you have a resolution. Have a lovely day. It’s been a while since I had to deal with 4 generations, and I remember the work involved.

This! Why do some people feel the need to save everybody from their own company? Let him do his own thing. If he doesn't like it, he can go along with your plans next year. Your dh can spend the day with you and dc.

He didn't 'refuse', he declined.

Nobody has to fit in with other people's plans.

Getting so upset because he knows his own mind does suggest a certain degree of control is in play.

You don't have to be the in charge of everyone and everything martyr.

Enjoy your family Christmas.

He didn't 'refuse', he declined

That's what I've been wanting to say all the way through this thread. The title indicates that @Dreamsfallapartattheseams expected him to conform to a decision that she made and that in some way she's the head of the family and should have accepted her direction.

He was invited to something, and her declined the invitation because he wouldn't be comfortable. That's his right.

I've reached the age where it's my offspring who are starting to 'take charge'. It takes some getting used to. For decades Christmas revolved around my house and my hosting, and I loved it. The change is natural, but it's hard.

There's a conversation on Threads at the moment:

I think you've invited him and he said no. End off! Don't change your plans to suit one person. Maybe he's happy to be left alone. I'm quiet and suffer from social anxiety so a change of plans would fill me with dread so maybe it was a first response and he'll come round to it. Keep the invitation open. If not make him up a plate on the day for your DH to deliver to him and enjoy the Christmas you planned with your mum.

You are not leaving him on his own he is choosing to stay on his own. Just leave it. Carry on as you intend. If by teatime on Christmas day there is no change perhaps Dh could pop round for an hour. No need to feel guilty ( but you probably still will do)

Why don’t you leave your FIL to do what he wants? It’s irrelevant that your MIL would have acted differently. He’s his own person and you aren’t showing any respect for him.
It’s also arrogant to assume he needs his son there to keep him company. He doesn’t want company. My widowed aunt always spends Christmas Day by herself. In the evening she joins family for the festivities, but the daytime is hers. She might have a walk or watch TV and cook herself lunch and that’s how she likes it.

Please read my updates, it is all now sorted.

we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad

No, this does not mean DH has to spend lunch with his dad.
You have a good reason for doing it differently this year. You invited FIL, he refused. His choice. Your DH can pop round to him AFTER you all had lunch at your mother.

I'd accept that he has declined, maybe he will feel more alone in a crowd than he would being on his own.

Pop over to see him before lunch and cheerily tell him it's fine to change his mind (assuming that's ok with your parents)

Otherwise leave him to it and see him for afternoon tea

We popped in on FIL on Saturday to fully explain the new plans. FIL has asked dh to spend the time with him. He is coming to ours as he has the last 4 years but it will be just the two of them this year.

My dc and I will spend the lunch round the corner at my parent's house (dc choice).

I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous.

I speak as a widow who's disappointed to be almost certainly spending Christmas alone for the second year running. But I'll suck it up and see my lovely family the next day.

No way would I ever expect my DD to spend there time alone with me while her DH and children have Christmas Day together. It's madness.

I wouldn’t do that. Why should dh have to miss out on his children at Christmas.
FIL sounds like he wants Xmas at yours like usual but there isn’t Xmas at yours.
I know your children are older but it’s still special and unfair on your family.

Why feed into it?! It’s not all about him. It’s Christmas for everyone!

I think this is very generous of you. I think FIL is selfish asking to have DH with him, away from his wife and children. It puts DH in a horrible position. Personally I would have dropped a plate in on your way back from your Mum’s and left him to it.

It's resolved!

OP asked for advice, has used that plus speaking to DFI & DH, they've all agreed on what's best given the circumstances.

OP can't do what everyone on here expects as it's lots of different ways.

Enjoy your Christmas OP. There's nothing wrong with new traditions.

Thank you Treesandsheepeverywhere

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams You must do what you think is best for everyone on balance, of course. But I'm curious, when is your DH and also your FIL going to eat their Christmas Lunch? Will DH have to cook the meal for FIL for the two of them? Sounds like a lot of Faff - but maybe not? it's not clear from your post above what time your FIL and your DH are going to be spending time together?

That isn’t quite right. He declined the invitation and is insistent that others change their plans to accommodate his preference.DH to spend the day with him and not the OP, their DC and OP’s DPs. That is a very different kettle of fish in my opinion. Personally I would have dropped off a plate and left him to his own devices

Where do you get this from? He just declined the invite - it was the OP's assumption that DH would need to go to FiL, not the FiL's expectation.

PPs pointed out that FiL may simply prefer to be on his own than with the OP's family all day (however nice they may be) and the compromise was they would leave him be but drop in on him later in the day. Or at least it was when I thought that was the end of the thread

I thought FIL didn't want to be on his own, and wanted to go to OP's for lunch as usual, but didn't want to go to OP's parents, so compromise is that DH will have to stay with him and OP and DC go to her mum's.

This was my understanding. More accommodating than what l would do as dropping off a plate of food is more faff on top of everything else. OP is a carer and her mum is very unwell. Sounds like she already does enough for everyone else

My post that you quoted was made long before OP came back with her update that they'd seen FIL again and he'd asked for DH's company on the day.

My response to that update is above, and demonstrates that I think FIL was unreasonable to ask for that.

See all for OP’s posts -it’s set out there