I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Have lunch where and when you want. Drop a plate of food round to FIL say happy Christmas and tell him he’s welcome to come round later.

I do think your op is a little on the dramatic side. I get it must be difficult and sad seeing your mother ill, but you do give off an air of trying to arrange everyone else's plans and having your 'perfect' Christmas each year - to now be 'really upset' because someone doesn't want to do what you want them to do is a bit over the top.

We rotate christmas each year between inlaws and both my sets of parents (divorced) so the idea of doing the same arrangement for Christmas for 20 years and everyone having so see each other on the day itself is completely alien to me.

As pp have said, your FIL is an adult and may have very good reasons for not wanting to come. Of course if there's now a drip feed that he is demanding you change your plans and DH comes to him then it's a different matter.

I hope you manage to sort something out that works for everyone, and I hope your mum is ok on the day x

From what you've said, it sounds like your FIL would be perfectly happy to spend Christmas Day on his own. I'm sure when he declined your invite that he did so fully aware that it meant he would be on his own on Christmas Day. You gave him an option and he chose not to take up the offer. The end.

He might not have a problem and he doesn't have to go somewhere he doesn't want to go.

I know you mean well OP but your FIL has made his choice so leave him to enjoy it. I’m the granny/mil in the family and this year suggested I do something ever so slightly different which would give me some hours of blissful peace alone . Shot down. So I’ll paint the smile on. Again. And go along with what I don’t want.

Unfortunately, you, as are we, are in the no-man's land of shifting personal circumstances. We have to accept it and modify our plans.

MIL has parkinson's dementia, mother has slowed after a serious heart procedure earlier this year. They are 88. MIL is a widow, mother has step. We have the added complications of being 240 and 100 miles away.

Last year DH went to MIL's for Christmas lunch. I did Christmas with the DC. We have no other family. DC are 26 and 29. DS is married. Our old family Christmas routine is a thing of the past.

This year DH will go to MIL, DD and I to mother. Neither may be here next year so the day is around them. The time fkr planned fun Christmases will come again as our DC have DC and routines settle back.

I appreciate it's hard because our routine was a 30 years plus one too. It is what it is and the focus has to change from the day/event to the people. Christianity is after all about the people and love for them.

It doesn't stop it sucking but we want to remember our parents having good last Christmases.

Don’t let him win with the emotional blackmail.

Where's the emotional blackmail? He's not demanding they change the arrangements, or complaining about being alone. It seems to be the op who wants to pressure him to change his mind and do something he doesn't want to do.

He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions even if you disagree with them.
Let him stay on his own if that’s what he wants.

This!
And just say, the invite remains open even if you change your mind on the day, we’ll have more than plenty enough food to go around.

There's nothing worse than people making plans, and arrangements then expecting everyone to fall into those arrangements. Even worse is then putting pressure onto people to comply with those arrangements.

You've invited your FIL, he's declined. It's unfair to then put pressure on him to comply with your plans. He knows declining means he'll be alone... He should have his decision respected. Just get on with your plans, and leave him with his.

Your FIL has declined the invitation. Don't change your plans. Your husband takes a plated up meal for his Dad on Christmas Day. Your husband then comes back to you. Don't start sending your husband to his Dad's for Christmas lunch...your FIL will begin to expect that every year! Your FIL has made his choice, respect it, and carry on with your plans.

He had an invite and declined it. Your DH does not have to go around there. If he does then it could set a precedent, whereas if FIL spends the day on their own then it will help decide what to do for future years.

FIL has made his decision and you all need to respect it. We had the same with XMIL as we never wanted to leave her on her own, but one year she was absolutely adament that she was not going to go anywhere, so we left her to it.

It's their life , their choice. I get that you/DH feel bad, but he is entitled to his decision.

You and DH need to continue your plans as usual, but maybe plan to call in on him at some point, maybe on the way home with a plated dinner for him?

Can you not have lunch at your parents a bit later? So your husband can eat with his dad at 12, then come to your parents for a second lunch.

Or leave your fil.aline for lunch but do the buffet in the evening like you usually do and he comes to that.

Leave him, it's his choice.

If he is close enough I would offer for someone to take him a plate when it is convenient but apart from that go ahead with your plans, there is absolutely no reason to change them.

As others have said, you invited him, he has said no, he can decide what to do on Christmas day once your Dh tells him okay, that is your decision.

Stop pandering to this man and spend quality time with your Mum who may sadly decline further and this might be the last good Christmas you get.

This is why it's not good to have rigid Christmas traditions and arrangements, someone gets upset when they inevitably have to change.
If you start mixing it up when everyone is young and healthy, it's much better in the long run.

Anyway in this case leave your FIL be and don't guilt trip your DH with the whole "first Christmas apart in 25 years" bollocks in case he would actually prefer to spend time with his elderly father.

This is absolutely what you should do imo

Can your father call your FIL to invite him? Perhaps your FIL feels that you can only be invited to someone house by someone who lives there? I assume FIL has been told the reasons for the change of plan?

If that won't work, then maybe your FIL can come to your house in the evening, or you and DH go to his. Either way, I don't think you need to feel guilty about him being on his own when you've made reasonable attempts to include him.

I’d respect his wishes. He might be ill or in pain or just find everyone a bit much. Plate him a dinner, pop round for a coffee and do presents and then off to mums. Simples.

Surely it shouldn't have been you inviting him, your dad / mum should have been inviting him if you are hosting Xmas at their house?

If I've got that right then I would let your parents invite him a bit more formally. That said I wouldn't like this idea too much if I were him. It's one thing having Xmas at your child's house, but going to your child's, husbands, parents house may be a step too far unless they are very close.

Out of interest have your parents agreed to all of this?

I would tell him that you'd really like him to come but if he really doesn't want to that's up to him. Sometimes it's just not possible to accommodate the wishes of everyone. He's made a choice of his own free will.

You say you cannot leave him on his own on Xmas day, well of course you can. His choice. See him another day. Maybe he has a friend he wants to meet up with on Xmas day ?

Honestly this reads as though you are trying to organise your FIL to do what you want in order to preserve your Christmas while your mum can still appreciate it. I understand that but it’s unfair to expect him to go along with this.

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams
You say 'There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?'.

You can respect his decision, as an adult in his right mind, to spend Christmas Day on his own.

My late mother often chose to spend a quiet Christmas Day on her own. Sometimes she missed my dad so much she couldn't face an afternoon of faking jokes and jollity with my family and various in-laws and outliers while her heart was breaking. She would visit Boxing Day when things were quieter.

Me and/or adult DC would, go over early in the morning or on Christmas Eve with a basket full of treats (turkey sandwiches, mince pies, crisps, wine, chocolate - all things she wouldn't buy herself) and presents. We'd give her a hug and a kiss and then leave her in peace.

Your FIL is old not stupid. Let him know there will be a space at the table if he changes his mind at the last minute. Then respect his ability to choose what's right for him.

I think I'd do this too, if he really won't come.