I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Leave him to it.
Leave your dh organise the whole Christmas thing in his own for his dad. Do the running around etc…

THEY are BOTH choosing the situation.
And they are both doing so in the knowledge of the reasons why the organisation has changed this year.

Yes it’s is stubborn old men. Because they are miles too used to everyone bending over themselves to please them. You included.

You specify to FIL that the invitation remains open and carry on with your original plans.

Spending Christmas apart from your DH is just bonkers, why would you do that?

No idea why you are so upset, you don't like your FIL and now you don't have to spend xmas Day with him.
Of course the issue is whether your DH will choose to and I would be pissed off if that were the case in your shoes.

Can he come to yours for 6pm even if he doesn’t want o join you for lunch?

This is an old man who spent 25 years going to your house on Christmas day. You did extremely well. I did the same type of hosting for many years but for both sets of parents etc so I know what it's like. It was hard work but I did enjoy it.

It's understandable given your mum's situation you want to change your plans. If your fil was a young man with his life ahead of him I would describe him as you said. As it is he is still grieving the loss of his wife & taking comfort in his memories. In all honesty OP I think it's very unfair to describe him the way your doing rather than trying to understand it from his stage of life & what he has lost. It's stressful with your mum having alzheimers also when parents become less capable of usual routines such as Chrismas. They should still be respected for what they are & what they are now.

I would do what a pp suggested. I'd go along & have a chat with him & explain the situation & your predicament then see his response & take it from there. If he still refuses your DH could visit him on Christmas morning,make sure he has food to eat & leave him to settle for the day in his own environment.

I can absolutely sympathise with how heartbreaking it is to be in the situation you are in with your mum.

However, as far as your FIL is concerned, it has to be his choice and everyone else needs to respect his decision.
It doesn't sound like he is expecting anyone to rearrange their plans.
It is likely he just wants time on his own.

You just leave FIL on his own on Christmas Day. You’ve invited him, he declined, that’s on him.

You do nothing. You extended the invitation and he has declined, as he is entitled to. Your DH does not have to go there to be with him and you don't need to tie yourself in knots trying to accommodate him. I'm sure FIL realised that by saying no, he will be spending the day on his own - perhaps that's what he wants/prefers.

However long your tradition has been running the time comes when it has to change. One of those times is aging parents with different needs.

You don't say why he turned down the invite so its hard to make suggestions but as PP say - possibilities include DH visiting him in the morning, asking him to come for a late Christmas tea and a couple of hours with the DC or suggesting he come on Boxing day instead.

It may be his fourth Christmas without your MiL but it is "another change" which could also be a factor. Ultimately if his preference is really for a quiet day at home then give him a call on the day and suggest Boxing day.

I feel like you are being really considerate of your mum's needs and those of your children, but not at all the thoughts of your FIL. I'm getting the impression you don't like him and so don't really care.

Maybe FIL just wants a quiet Xmas - and why not? I hate having to watch endless present unwrapping by children etc - just don't get it!

Go ahead with your plans, your father will be fine at home, he will still eat and probably very well! He wants to be at home and I understand that very well, it's not a slight on you. You do a 'Christmas' celebration with him at a different time and place to suit you and him and stop fretting about it.

Can you talk to him and explain your DM has dementia so she can't really go to yours. But you really want him to come, and that it's still you doing the lunch he's not imposing on your DM it's just a change of venue. He really might not understand why you are changing things around, he may be very comfortable going to yours but not your DMs. I would hope there is scope to persuade him, a lot of how happy it would make you all if he comes and it wouldn't be the same without him, etc, etc, even how his DW would want him to go.

If that doesn't work maybe a bit of a guilt trip that he's making everyone's Christmas difficult, the family can't leave him by himself, but if he won't come to you all the arrangements will have to change. Of course he may (probably will) say he's fine by himself and leave him alone, so last resort.

This is your FIL 5th Christmas without his wife - he's not freshly grieving as some have implied. It's our 6th Christmas without my mum; my dad has made plans that work for him for the past few years.

If FIL prefers to stay home for Christmas Day, that's OK, just respect that, @Dreamsfallapartattheseams . My Dad is the same - he wants to be in his own home or ours (which is almost his home) but very much does not like Christmas Day at anyone else's. He would far rather spend the day by himself pottering and listening to the radio than "being a guest.' He's an adult, that's his choice to make.

You're trying to impose your vision of Christmas - 'everyone together' - on someone who doesn't want that this year. You're doing it out of kindness and love, but you're still doing it.

Leave him be. Don't split up your family meal. Drop gift around on your way to your parents, perhaps, for a short visit if that's something FIL wants, perhaps.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's dementia. It's a very cruel disease. My heart goes out to you and your father.

Respect your FIL's wishes not to go, he may well have his own reasons for having a quiet day. Your DH joining him for breakfast sounds like a good idea though, and you can always let FIL know if he changes his mind he is welcome to come later. As you all live close by that's easily sorted. Just don't make a big drama out of it.

As a Christmas non traditionalist I always struggle to understand the madness that goes along with December 25th. I think you are upset that you always do things a certain way and that he is stopping you from doing that? You need to talk to your husband and decide whether he goes along with your nuclear fanily’s Christmas and visits his father later in the day OR prioritises his father and changes your usual routine. It’s really in his lap here.

Maybe he really doesn't want to be surrounded by so many people. I'd be tempted to let him crack on with it but would definitely pop in to his at some stage for a glass of bubbly/cup of tea and exchange a few presents. But really it's up to your DH if he is happy to do this. Christmas is so stress filled at times and there are so many of these types of posts it's all really sad! I totally agree with you though OP; I think you're doing the best you can to support everyone and it sounds like a great compromise but you can't control or really influence how others may feel about it.

This. With bells on

I can't believe anyone would suggest that just because it's this old man's 5th Christmas without his beloved wife he won't be grieving. Time may help him to cope but it's especially difficult at Christmas & always will be.

Thanks everyone.

Yes, of course it's entirely up to fil where he spends his Christmas, I won't put any pressure on him at all.

I am doing all I can to ensure everyone has a good Christmas and am not putting any pressure on anyone, if he doesn't want to come then there is nothing I can do about that.

My mum gets very low when she doesn't see her DC so Christmas at her house will most definitely brighten up her day. I think fil probably doesn't want to come to my parents as it's a different routine from the last 4 years, even though he has known my family for 35 years he is a stickler for routine and has been one used to having Xmas lunch at ours but that's not happening this year for a variety of reasons but my mum being unwell is the main one.

We will do as a few have suggested. I will cook him a lunch and pop it down to him (he's a 5 min drive away) and we may go see him in the evening.

He might know your family but I am guessing last year it reminded him of his lost wife.
He’s an adult - he knows the decisions he is making - unless your hubby disagrees - take him a Christmas meal.

Leave your FIL to it. Keeping on at him could be seen as bullying. Although it has been a tradition for many years maybe he has just tolerated it for an easy life till now.

This.

Just stop. Stop trying to control everything. You can't. So just stop. Honestly, you'll thank yourself.

If he's not bothered about being with you all on Christmas day then why should your family spend it apart? You all go to your Mum's, DH included. FIL can come or not. If he was worried about being on his own, he would go with you.

Please do not do this (the guilt trip him nonsense at the end). He is entitled to spend Christmas as he chooses, why should he be made to feel bad about it? Ridiculous!