I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

He's been invited. You don't change the plans just because he has said no.

If he won't come to lunch fine. His choice. Perhaps invite him for the evening and do a small buffet but let him know the evening is just a small, quiet gathering this year as everyone else is doing lunch this time.

You invited him and he declined. Leave him to be alone if that's what he wants.

Agree with pp, conversation is good.

Have you actually talked to him... And both listened?
What's going on for each other, and what does everyone need, and how can you support each other?

Your FIL has the right to decide himself what he wants to do on Xmas day.

You invited him to your parents and he declined- that's his choice if he doesn't want to go.

Sours carry on with your day as planned, no big drama. Maybe ask him if he'd like a quick visit in the morning or on Boxing Day?

Honestly, it's just one day and nothing to get upset about. Some people would probably prefer to be on their own rather than in a houseful of people.

That sounds a hard situation for you all. Would giving your FIL some time to adjust to the change in plan help at all?

I think @WomenInConstruction has said it well.
Let him know the invitation is always open, that you love and care for him, drop him over a nice meal if he doesn’t change his mind and enjoy the day with your mum and family.

You sound like you have had beautiful Christmas Day’s in the past and I hope this one is filled with happiness and love too.

FIL was invited, he declined, move on with the day.

To invited him to join you. He declined. His choice. No one else has to move plans around him. Perhaps he would prefer to be on his own?

dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad

Or go over for breakfast… or you all take an evening Christmas dinner over at 6pm on your way home

Of course your husband can choose not to go, but similarly I don’t understand the distress that your husband will be missing for a few hours on Christmas Day. His mums died, his dad doesn’t want to go to a ‘strangers house’ and your husband would prefer to keep him company.

i suspect there’s much more built up into the need to keep everyone happy, and no one seeming to care what you need, let alone want

I think you need to stop putting pressure on everyone to have the Christmas that you want.

You invited him and he declined. This is not a valid reason for your DC and husband to be separated from you on Christmas Day. That’s deeply unfair on your family. No one person’s actions should get to dictate that. As others have suggested maybe take a meal round to him and leave him to watch the TV then invite him around for tea in the evening.

My dad always had Xmas day on his own after my mum died. He was happy doing it. He'd go to the pub at lunchtime to see friends and had M and S food to cook.
I'm the same. I hate other people's Xmas days and traditions. Go and see him for a glass of sherry in the morning and then.let him be.

You and your sister discussed and decided. Did you actually consult any of the other parties involved or just presume they would do what you said. Are you sure your parents are OK with it? By the time my mum reached that stage she wouldn't have wanted a busy day without of people.

Agree with most here. You invited him. He declined. End of.

Disagree with some others that OP must now attempt to negotiate, appease and accommodate his (unexpressed) wants and put her own family's needs second to his, like a good support human. If he doesn't want to go to this event but does want to do something else he's perfectly capable of saying so.

OP's mum has breast cancer and alzheimers. She and her mum need support too.

Stick to your plans, and that includes your husband.

Your FIL is choosing to be on his own.

No family tradition survives old age.

Exactly. He would prefer to eat alone than do what you’ve invited him to, which is fine.

DH going over for breakfast is a great idea! I assume the 16yo and 19yo will be in bed anyway. Then DH can join you at your parents for lunch.

"we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone"

You're not. You've invited him; he has declined the invitation.

You didn't change plans for the sake of it - this is a health issue for your mother. If he can't appreciate that and make the small effort required to have lunch in a different location, despite your efforts to include him, that is very much his problem.

Agree with just inviting him for the evening. Eating lunch by himself is his choice.

I'm afraid it would be "sorry to hear that FIL", let us know if you change your mind. Do not change your plans or send your husband over there. It'll be a slippery slope going forward. I imagine when he realises nobody is changing their very reasonable plans for him, he'll change his mind.

Totally agree with this.

OP is actually trying to make things easier for the parent with dementia and cancer.

I would normally say it's not easy to be part of someone else's Xmas, but as t seems he's been part of it for years, that doesn't apply.

It could be he's actually happy to spend the day on his own (I know it wouldn't bother me), he does have a choice and he's said 'no'.

He doesn't want the big family gathering. Fine. Your DC's don't want Christmas at his house. I think just ask him what he wants to do. And visit him at some time maybe in the evening. I don't think he should be guilt tripped into attending the family meal.

His problem? Or his choice?

Maybe he does appreciate the reasons for the change, but doesn't want to participate and is quite happy staying home.

Nothing in op's post was about whether the fil was disgruntled about the plans or just didn't want to be there.