I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Exactly this. He's invited to your folks, if he doesn't want to go that's his decision, it doesn't mean you pander to him and change your plans

It’s not clear from your OP whether he’s declined because he wants to force you to do the usual Xmas, or because he’s happy to be on his own. That’s v important I think.

My Dad is a widower. DSis and I have our own families - we always invite him to join one of us at Xmas. Sometimes he says yes but often he declines, as he is genuinely happy on his own rather than in a big crowd. If your FIL is the same why don’t you see him Xmas Eve/Boxing Day and leave him be this Xmas?

Yes but as another poster said - Who’s to say her mum wants a big family Christmas? She gets tired, confused and has cancer.

Op has taken it upon herself to invite everyone around despite this which I do feel is a little unfair and selfish.

You’ve invited, he’s declined. Thats fine
Have him over Boxing Day instead.

This. I’m sorry your mum is ill but I don’t see why her needs trump FILs who is an elderly widower. Compromise is needed here, surely you can cope without your husband for a few hours?

Exactly this!

I can understand why your FIL doesn’t want to go to someone else’s house.
I can also understand why you need to accommodate your mother.

Try and spend the morning with your FIL, bring him his lunch and then head over to your mothers. He mightn’t be delighted but it’s all you can do in the situation

Leave FIL on his own. He’s had an invitation to your parents, who he has known for a long time. If he turns it down then that’s his choice. Don’t let him ruin it for the rest of you

Agree 💯

He’s an adult. You have invited him. If he doesn’t want to come then that’s fine. I don’t see why you would alter the plans given the other circumstances.

Yes, but she’s not accepting her FIL’s choice to prefer eating alone to accepting her invitation. He’s an adult. He doesn’t have dementia. That’s a choice he gets to make. He doesn’t need to be ‘persuaded’, or to have everyone else rearrange their plans for him. The OP is choosing to see his decision as obstructive, and requiring a major reshuffle of the entire family, but nothing she’s said has given any indication her FIL has asked for anyone to alter anything for him. It’s a bit rich to blame someone for alterations she and her DH have decided on, unasked.

Hello. I get where you’re coming from and it all sounds really hard. But I don’t think it needs to be so complicated. I think your DH should speak to his dad and find out what the reasons are he wants to stay at home. I personally wouldn’t mind at all if my DH wanted or needed to have Christmas lunch with his parents. Your kids are older and you will see him later in the day. Does it really matter? It sounds like there’s a lot of pressure that Xmas has to be this great day with everyone together and it really doesn’t. Also just to add, I have sometimes found my mum ‘difficult’ when she doesn’t fall into my plans. But that’s the thing, it’s ‘my’ plans’ and what I think will work best. But that doesn’t mean it’s what she wants and I have to accept that. Anyway, just some thoughts, good luck.

dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad

Why? You have Christmas plans, you've invited FIL to be a part of them, he's said no. No-one else has to change their plans. As other posters have said, maybe he's happy to spend the day alone. In which case, respect his choice. Or maybe he's trying to emotionally blackmail you all into a different decision - in which case the absolute best move is not to entertain it, as that is a slippery slope...

Either way, there's no requirement to change your plans.

But he has never come over to yours for Christmas lunch so presumably doesn’t want to start doing that now since it might only confirm how much things have changed in his life. He has made it clear he is happy to be on his own, respect his wishes. You could ask him if he would like help sorting out a meal for himself - though since your MiL died some time ago I can only assume he is perfectly capable of catering for himself. Or you could ask him to come over to yours in the evening as in the past.

The breakfast idea is another possibility too. but please remember that just because someone is elderly and lives on their own doesn’t mean they aren’t able to make choices for themselves.

Go ahead with your plans.
You're not being unreasonable wuth this year's plans. He's not unreasonable saying no to the invite.

It's just another day, it's a Sunday roast with a cracker. Presumably you will wake up with your husband and go to bed with him so hardly being apart from him.

I suppose this is the start of many dramatic Christmas posts.

Perhaps your FIL would prefer to spend the day alone?

I think your expectations are absurdly high.

I'm clearly a harsh person, OP, but I don't see what the problem is. You have planned a Christmas around what your mum can cope with (which is absolutely fine and understandable and sounds lovely), which all but one member of the family is happy with. You have kindly invited your FIL (which you are under no obligation to do) and he has declined. That's his business. If he would prefer to spend the day on his own, that is his choice. It doesn't mean your DH has to change his plans.

You are doing your best for everyone. You absolutely should not give in to your FIL or you and your DH will be setting a precedent. You are not choosing to leave him on his own - he is choosing to do that. He has been invited to a friendly family occasion; if he chooses to decline the invitation that is up to him. He is an adult.

Your DH needs to tell him that he will be with his wife, you, for Christmas lunch and his father is welcome to join you. If he chooses not to, and prefers to stay at home on his own, that’s up to him. There is no need at all for your DH to be with him rather than with you and the rest of the family. Don’t give in to emotional blackmail.

Let him have Christmas lunch on his own if he wants and then come to you for the usual buffet in the evening. He still gets to see you.

This is really no big deal. You’ve invited him and he’s said no. It sounds like he wants to keep his own tradition of a quiet lunch at home. That’s totally fine. Leave him to it or, as you offered, Dh goes to have lunch with him. If you’ve been all doing this for 35 years, you’ve had many many Christmases with Dh. Let him have a quiet one with his dad (could be one of his last) and you make it special for your mum (could be one of her last). Reunite for Christmas movies. Sounds like a lovely day.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

Respect his wishes?

dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his

Perhaps he finds them boring too.

Perhaps he sees the different arrangements this year as an opportunity to withdraw from something he no longer enjoys.

He knows your parents well.
Maybe he doesn't want to see your mother's decline, maybe it triggers memories of his wife being ill and he knows he will be upset.

I work with people with dementia and I feel for your mum in this situation. An all day party in her home is going to be bloody exhausting for her.
In your situation I'd do Xmas lunch at her house and then a scaled down buffet tea for FIL and whoever else is around, at your place, later on.

Christmas events do change as children grow up, DCs partners join the clan and older relatives are no longer around. No way would I be spending it away from DH though.

@SprinkleCake How do you suggest she does it then? She's trying to make it easier for everybody and host everybody. Hardly selfish! The parent with dementia will be a priority which I get given I'm in a similar situation with my own dad.

Leave him on his own!

maybe drop over a lunch to him and your husband then could go round later on to him ?

my gran told us last year oh I don’t want the hassle of going out just leave me a dinner and I’m fine so we decoded
to do just that - and actually it was true she was happy enough with that - she wasn’t up for leaving the house, she heated her dinner in the microwave and watched Christmas tv and went to bed early and she ended up saying it was the most relaxing Christmas she ever had 🤷‍♀️

This 100%.

Either he comes to your parents or stays home alone. Don’t let it ruin YOUR CHILDREN’S Christmas making them miss out on their dad being there. By all means plate him up a dinner and your DH takes it round after. But sod splitting your family up for a person that declined your invite. Get a backbone (you and your DH). Maybe he doesn’t actually mind being alone.