I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

It's an invite not a demand! He declined the invite which is his choice not yours.

This.

Tell him thats whats happening and he's welcome to change his mind and join you.

This is HIS choice.

You shouldn't be acting like doormats trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

So don't.

Simple.

Why are you so so upset by his saying no. It was an invitation not a gulag order. One can say no to invitations. You have the kindness and grace to accept that things might be difficult for your ageing mum and have made adjustments for her. Yet you dont seem to have any empathy that FIL is also ageing and may want things differently or might feel overwhelmed by a change in settings. Dont take this personally.
You seem to be at the end of your tether with pleasing people so its likely less about change in your Christmas plans and more that you are thinly spread. Make a list of all things you are doing for people that are spreading you think an tick one or two off an stop doing that.
Oh and get used to things changing. This year, your DS is spending some time with his GF. Next year he might not be there at all. They might go to her family or to Spain. Who knows. And then DD will bring her "very different" boyfriend who might suggest that they do something different for Christmas.
Yes it hard changing things after 35 years but it is also an opportunity to do things differently!

Yes bring him a lunch and then have him over to yours for mince pies and Christmas movies in the evening.

I mean he has every right to decline, your husband doesn't "have" to do anything

You're being unreasonable IMO

Is he meant to go to your mums when he doesn't want , to appease you? So that he doesn't have to spend Christmas alone, again, to appease you?

Either way he's going to have a different routine.

It's not your responsibility to ensure everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Like pp have said, you've invited him, he's said no. It's on him.

He's an adult.

Leave him at home. See him another day.

True. Equally, FIL has agency. There is nothing inherently wrong with him saying no, not this year. Its well within his right. OP is unnecessarily making herself a martyr here.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh, you're obviously just trying to keep everyone happy

My experience - with my father, my aunt and my godmother, all of whom I am very close to - is that somewhere between years 2 and 3 there comes an acceptance.

Not that you don't constantly miss them, but that their memory is a source of happiness and not hurt, and that you find a way of living day to day that works. At Christmas, doubly so.

My godmother likes to be surrounded by people on Christmas Day, my aunt likes to see the grandchildren in the afternoon but prefers to keep the rest of the day private, my father wants to either be with us or spend the day with Radio Four.

That's not "won't be grieving"; that's "lives with grief". Let's not get melodramatic about an adult who is capable nof choosing for himeself.

When he refused the invitation to your parents, did he do so amicably and indicate that he'd be quite happy on his own? Or was it more of a grumpy refusal, with the expectation/hope that you'd change your plans to make sure he wasn't left alone?

If the former, I would leave him to it but pop in for a drink with him at some point. If the latter, I would try and have a conversation with DP and FIL together and work out a compromise (such as DP bringing him lunch, or a FaceTime call with everyone, or FIL coming to you in the evening).

Fil is absolutely not over losing mil at all. They were together for 60 years, he will never fully recover, I totally understand that and have never implied such a thing.

I am also not controlling anything, that's far from my nature, I just hate the thought of anyone on their own at Christmas and I have always included my in-laws in my family plans, never left them out. I am the least controlling person you could imagine. I just wanted him to know he was included in our plans, that's all.

I will respect his wishes and we will pop in on him later in the day.

Why can't your FiL spend Christmas day alone? Is he unable to cook himself a meal?
Of course, I understand that 'it's christmas' and everyone gets so stressed about trying to please everyone. But this is his choice; perhaps he would feel overwhelmed at just being with your family without 'support' (yes, your DH will be there, but still hard)
Why not pop and see him on your way to your Mums and bring him a plate back?

If you and your sister are leaving your mum and dad's at 6pm, will your sister and her family be coming back to yours for the evening buffet like you usually do? If so, could you ask him if he'd like to come along for that.
I think dropping a dinner round to him before you go to your parents is a good idea too.

Agree with this.

I actually understand FIL, but then I prefer being at home for Christmas.

There are several things to factor in.

The Christmases you’ve had in the past can and do change. Your children are getting older and no longer want or need the child traditions of Christmas.

Changing health needs, changing circumstances and bereavements, all mean that day to day life and special occasions are different. You don’t need to try to make them the same.

Traditions will change again, as your own children acquire partners, move away, start their own family traditions.

People, as they get older want and need different things. Your FiL is a quiet man and maybe now, he just wants to have a quiet day and reflect. For him, perhaps it isn’t the same going to someone else’s house, even though he knows them, especially without his wife.

You described your MiL as ‘lovely’. You don’t speak of him with the same fondness and it’s hurtful that you say your children find him boring.

Bear in mind that you can’t keep things as they were ad infinitum. People change, circumstances change and you’re just causing yourself angst.

By OP & DH explaining the reasons & FIL still of the same mind they can all rest assured he is happy to spend the day alone & they need not feel guilty. I don't see it as putting a guilt trip on him. It's only fair he has a proper explanation as to the change of plan so he can consider how he feels afterwards & make a final decision based on this.

I’m assuming with a dgc of 19 this man is at least 70. He’s widowed with grown children. If he can’t decline an invitation and be left in peace with it at this point in his life then when can he? There is nothing bloody wrong with being in your own company and given that everyone in this situation lives close by then he can either visit or be visited at some point in the day or be invited for Christmas Eve supper or Boxing Day lunch or any number of other things.

Well done OP. You are a carer. Cut yourself some slack! Hope you get time to put your feet up and be pampered during this festive period

This - your FIL is an adult and can make his own decisions. Invite him over to yours for the buffet tea in the evening. If he doesn’t come, it is his choice.

I don't think this is as simple as an old man being grumpy or stubborn. Can you try and see it from his view - he had also had the same routine for 20 years. He is possibly feeling lonely, scared and overwhelmed at having to do something different. Perhaps he isn't very social and spending a difficult family time without his wife may be difficult for him if he has to be around other people like your parents. I am speaking about this from the eyes of my dad who can sometimes come over grumpy and stubborn but deep down he is struggling.

I think it would be kind to grit your teeth and have at least some part of Christmas day apart from your dh, so he can be with his dad. You will see him again later. I honestly think that whilst you have a strong desire to be with your dh for Christmas lunch, the needs of your fil around potential grief and loss can trump that.

You have essentially the option to help you fil with a bit of self sacrifice in terms of wanting your dh with you, and I think that is a in the Christmas spirit, if you can frame it like that.

Christmas dinner is not the only good part of Christmas day. Personally it's my least favourite 😅.

Stick with your plan and, if you can, get your DH to pop a plate over for him and then come back to your parents'.

You invited him and he said no, therefore making the decision himself to spend Christmas alone. He is an adult, presumably with capacity and it's not up to your DH to facilitate his choices nor spend Christmas apart from his own family.

I'd have your DH gently tell him that you'll all be continuing with your plans as arranged.

Why does your husband have to spend it with his Dad? If he doesn't want to come then let him spend it on his own.

He has chosen not to come - there is nothing more that you can do - I am sure that there will be another bit of Christmas that he can share. Being with someone with dementia might feel hard for him. You have done your best - you have asked him - you can do no more.