I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

Contact social services and ask for a care assessment. Or your doctor. If your parents are struggling financially they might get help from the council to pay for a care package. Sorry can't remember the exact figures. Please don't try and care for them if its too much for you. You will end up ill and then they will have to get some other help in x

Can you call Adult Social Service and explain that they need an assessment for some form of at home care urgently.

You have to make sure they don't think you're fully available to do everything or they will leave you to rot.

You can go to your GP, cry on them and explain you are on the verge of a breakdown because you have no capacity to help your ailing parents. I'm sure your GP can support some form of referral for assessment.

Ok thank you.🙏

I guess most people face a decision in the end with elderly parents. My brother was retired when my parents needed help and lived 5 minutes from them but all he ever went on about was putting them in a home. I did give up my life to look after them increasingly over a period of about seven years my dad lived with me for the last three years, he was very unwell and needed lots of care. My brother just about abdicated any responsibility. I didn’t have small children though. Register as their carer and you should be contacted by various agencies, talk to social services and age U.K. A lot of older people are reluctant to accept care initially, they sound like they should be entitled to attendance allowance. There are likely local groups they could go to. You really have to research. Good luck.

They get certain financial help from the government, I'm not entirely sure what.

The problem is currently I just don't have time to look into all of this as my priority sadly is to find a new job.

My DD has ADHD with anxiety, I don't think she would cope if we moved in with my parents. She gets stressed quite easily. So if we did sell and I gave up my job to live with them, it would mean being on benefits and have little to no money to do anything else. It's something I might have to consider but as a last resort.

You absolutely do not have to take this on, move in with them or give up work!

Ring social services, tell them a care assessment is urgently needed as there is no one available to do it (do not even attempt to fill in any gaps!).

Number one priority is getting a job to keep a roof over your head and your child's! You don't want to do anything that could jeopardise that.

Put your own breathing mask on, then DD's, before you help others. You cannot do everything.

Thanks, I just feel like a tug of war going on in my head. I want to help, but at the moment I feel like I'm falling apart due to stress. I'm so worried about finding a new job, I have no option other than to get something full time to pay my mortgage.

As @SheilaFentiman said look after yourself first x

This. My parents own their house and have pretty comfortable private pensions but one parent gets carer's allowance for the other, which covers one carer visit every day, but could be used for anything. Carers allowance isn't means tested nor limited to people who are working age or anything like that.

I'm sure my mum gets a carer allowance, but she said it's not enough to pay for a carer as their rate is really high?!

How long does the carer come in for?

Carers allowance isn't means tested nor limited to people who are working age or anything like that. Carers allowance IS means tested. You can’t get it if you’re earning more than £151 a week, and if you go £1 over, you have to repay the whole lot.

You may be thinking of attendance allowance which is not means tested, but is only available to those over pension age

Oh sorry! My parents called it carer's allowance and I just took there word for it but tbh neither are that reliable anymore. It sounds as though it is attendance allowance. They also got various visits to help set things up from a social worker, occupational therapist and physio therapist (for advice and borrowed equipment).

Very sorry for the misleading post!

My parents get enough to cover a visit every day for about half an hour (they use it for getting up, showered, dressed)

Ok thanks, that's hardly anytime 30 minutes 😪 I don't understand how elderly people without family look after themselves. It's terrible x

@Cherryblossom200 as others have said put your own oxygen mask on first. One incident that sent chills through me last year was an interaction with a social prescriber who was lovely but who our mother utterly refused to engage with - she just said to me ‘BlueLegume you must be able to see your Mum wants you to step up. She (my mother) had informed the doctor and this SP that as I had retired, literally just retired, I had lots of free time and we wouldn’t be using strangers. Her actual words to the SP were - I have daughters this is where they ‘rally’. I do not live near, my mother dislikes me and my sister because she is envious of our lives. But all will be well the SP said ‘you can claim carers allowance. I firmly explained she could pay me £1million quid a day and I would still be reluctant. Stay firm and take care. Attendance Allowance might be a route to go down - it is not means tested and is around £440 per month from memory.

My mum gets attendance allowance already? But I don't know what they do with it?!

@Cherryblossom200 - probably what mine did - save it for ‘when we have problems’…..I organised it for them because they ‘had problems’🙄

The entire point of AA is to help with costs if you are of state pension age and have disabilities that make life difficult for you. Therefore, carers etc

They need a social care financial assessment so social services can arrange care visits and will fund it if its found they cannot afford it.

As for the answer to your question - you CANNOT do it all. None of us can. I know of literally noone who has the time or the capacity to care for their elderly parents full time plus looking after their own kids and working at the same time. Working is non negotiable for most of us in order to pay our bills.

I think part of this is emotionally accepting what you cannot do and being ok with that. Your needs are just as important as your parents' needs and you dont have to upend your entire life because of this, if you try to do everything you will end up having a nervous break down and that wont help anyone.

Contact social services for an assessment and let them arrange a care package.

Yep I'm going to ask them to pay for a daily carer from now on. We keep coming up against this problem when one or both of them falls ill. Then me and my sister has to drop everything to try and sort stuff out. My mum is exhausted from looking after my dad and depressed. But doesn't seem to want any external help.

Don’t give up your house and move in with your parents, with your daughter. Especially if it will negatively affect her. Do what you can, but not to the detriment of your child. Your parents will have to get carers if it gets too much, if they can’t afford it and nor can you and your sister (or you both don’t want to pay for it) then help is available for your parents to pay

But doesn't seem to want any external help

There is your problem. Of course none of us would choose this in an ideal world but she cannot expect you or your sister to do everything, it's just not fair and it's not practical. You have other responsibilities and your first one is to your child and keeping your home.

No way could I afford to pay for a carer for my parents as a single parent.

Then me and my sister has to drop everything to try and sort stuff out

Stop doing this. If social services get even a whiff that you will pick up the slack they wont help and will try to palm it off onto you. You need to be very firm that you cannot drop everything to help them- who the heck could do this when they are working? its a ridiculous expectation.