I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

The people who are telling us all its our responsibility and to step up has clearly not done anything like this. No full time job, outside interests children etc.

What is clear from some of these posts is that often elderly parents want things done THEIR way. They way they used to do them. That sometimes means, no direct debits, writing cheques, posting off letters, or god forbid visting a bank to pay in a cheque.

I was actually in Lloyds a few weeks ago and an elderly woman came in using a frame with her son. The host at the door asked her what she could help with. The women wanted to stand at the counter and pay in some cheques. The host offered to help her do it by the machine. The woman responding ' no way' and told her son they would come back when it was quieter! Totally selfish behaviour on behalf of the elderly person. She wanted her son to keep bringing her back until SHE was satsified with the solution. There was a very simple solution but SHE didnt want to use it.

The host told me that this is how branches end up being closed down when people use the counters for minor things when they are other solutions available a foot away from you and where a member of staff will do it for you.

Personally I wouldnt have put up with this sort of attitude. If a job needed doing I would get it done but not the old fashioned way.

My Mum was just very old and got very worried about things. Honestly I used to cut converstions off curtly if it looked like there was going to hours of hand wringing. I told her I would sort out the council, a letter etc and to not worry about it.

Mum had a terrible habit of asking the same question and query to whomever she could find. Retirement complex staff, the cleaner for her room etc and me.

She even asked the priest when he did a home visit about her Sky TV and how she could change a channel as she had buggered up the system. She had also left me an 'urgent' message stating that wiithout SKY she would just have to go to bed early! So basically there were 3 or 4 people trying to help her all at the same time

You must be joking surely?! I grew up in the 80s. My parents used to send us out to the park all day on our bikes and we would get up to all sorts of shenanigans on our own and come back at tea time. They certainly weren’t helicoptering over us constantly helping us, it was very much hands off parenting. It wasn’t totally bad and in fact we became very independent as a result but it was hardly “hard work” raising us because we parented ourselves. That was how it was back then.

The idea that to “repay” that I have to be a full time carer and skivvy for them now, at the cost to my own children (whom I am much more involved with, far more than my parents ever were with me) is ludicrous.

Also, even if I did do that and gave up working to be their carer, who do you suggest is going to pay my mortgage? Please don’t suggest carers allowance because that barely even covers my electricity bill let alone council tax, mortgage, gas, food, and clothing etc You are living in a complete fantasy land if you think this is even remotely practical for anyone who works and has kids, unless you expect them to make themselves homeless to do it! 🙄

I'm sorry that happened! It sounds like you'd done a really sensible thing by going for a walk!

I've realised with mine that I don't need to tell them everything. So just don't mention anything you've done for yourself. The elderly person won't get it! I now heavily imply that my work takes up more time than it does (it is a full on job but nowhere near as restrictive as I make out!). I also bought a week's extra annual leave and didn't mention this to my elderly parent!

I know you're job hunting at the moment, but I'd suggest treating that as a full time job, along with some nice things to help with your stress levels? Don't let the time get sucked into doing things for your parents.

I realised mine was turning getting prescriptions into an activity that took up days! She was going twice to the GP with a repeat prescription on a piece of paper - once to drop off, then to pick it up. Then taking it to the pharmacy. Then going back to get it again! I don't have the free time to enable this!

The whole thing can be done without leaving the house - request via NHS app, GP sends electronically to pharmacy. Pharmacy then delivers it.

You are not entitled to carers allowance if in receipt of the state pension. The magic number seems to be £23k in savings. If they have more then they pay until it's down to that level. Getting social services involved is key. Contact your GP there may be someone there with specific knowledge. There's possibly an entitlement to attendance allowance. Work out a list of what you need to do and keep notes. Names, dates etc. You do your best, no one can ask for more.

It doesn't cost anything to get prescriptions delivered to the door.

Emotional - quite. And if you started arguing with their process they start arguing back. I would state its a new process - dont worry about a thing. The pharmancy will deliver for you (and dont get into hours of discussion).

A lot of people seem to want to explain and explain what is happening and it takes hours because they just dont understand.

i was a deliverer for prescriptions during Covid. Tons of old people get them delivered

Yes, I never paid anything for my dad's prescriptions to be delivered! Just rang the pharmacy and asked for it to begin. I'd have paid if needs be but didn't even think at the time, I just wanted an effective way to get the job done without me having to travel and do it!

Thing is, you will have to set up these things. Parents tell you it can't be done, it costs money - even if it doesn't. Half the time they don't actually know. They just want their child to do it and blithely overlook that this is a big hassle for said child and other ways are better. Once it's in place it'll feel better so make your own enquiries.

Same with online shopping. Set it up, work out what their regular items are, get it delivered. Delivery passes are worth it so you can book a delivery whenever needed. It's probably less than £10 a month, and bingo, saves you the repeated trips. You can sell it to your mum as allowing you to spend more time actually with her not running errands.

Also, refer to your daughter when saying what is keeping you busy. Helping with homework, making her tea, washing her clothes, taking her to clubs. It's harder to argue with than time for your own tasks, even though those are needed too! Don't feel bad - this is about protecting your own energy levels and your parenting time.

I've just walked my parents dog for them as my mum can't get out at the moment, I just had a very frustrating conversation with her, I said there are carer agencies which can be enlisted almost immediately. But she's waiting for the social services one, which tbh will take ages to come round. My mum said she's thought of doing it for a while, but it's just not happened.

I went through the maths and it wasn't that expensive to have two hours a week for a carer to come over. They help bath my dad, mediations etc. She was just so evasive about it.

I think part of the problem is just being in denial. The problem is that when this happens it all falls down to me and my sister. And my dad is only going to get worse.

My mum said that my dad told her to put him into a home as he feels a burden to my mum. It's utterly heartbreaking. I can see the love there. But it really is becoming almost impossible for my mum. So the ideal thing is to have a carer at their home.

I can just feel the resistance. And it's so frustrating!

BorrowMyDoggy!

Friends with a dog-mad child who can't commit to owning a dog themselves use this service to take an elderly person's dogs for walks! Means the dogs get exercise, the kid gets to spend time with dogs and the elderly person gets another social interaction.

I'd contact cinnamon.org.uk/ in preference to Borrowmydoggy for your DMs dog.

Borrowmydoggy is great but it's not reliable and it does require quite a high level of interaction with the walkers which would be yet another task that falls to you.

Thanks, I'll look into it! My sister lives opposite them and has a dog of her own, so she takes theirs normally as well.

My mums a bit of a control freak and very anxious. I'm not sure how she'd feel about a stranger taking her dog out 🤪

It sounds like maybe your dad would prefer to go
into a home? My dad is in the early stages of dementia and goes to a daycentre in a care home which he loves. He likes watching everything that goes on, being made constant cups of tea and having a chat with the other residents there. He would be perfectly happy going into a carehome (and
pre dementia loved those sort of social environments.) My mum on the other hand would hate it. What sort of personality does he have? Care homes can be good places if they are well run and staffed. Is it just that your mother doesn’t like change (if she is an anxious individual?)

Even if your mother waits for the social service assessment if they have above a certain amount in savings they will be expected to self fund. Do not feel guilty, I know it’s easier said than done but you don’t deserve it.

They both aren't particularly social people, bad in new situations and have no friends around where we live. So literally it's just me and my sister's family that they have.

My mum wouldn't even go to a knitting club on her own she's that bad.

I have no idea how she will cope when my dad isn't here anymore. I honestly worry more about this, because lost in her thoughts she will spiral into deep depression.

I don't think your mum is the right person to look after your dad. What do you think life would look like if he went into a care home and she lived on her own?

You really really shouldn't give up your home and the chance of a job in order to care for your elderly parents. That isn't fair on anyone.

Very difficult when you live hundreds of miles away. That was my situation when my mum needed help. Teenage DCs in education, neither DH or I were big earners, so I couldn’t just give up work and move.

I would travel on the train when I could, she had what was known as ‘home helps’ and a district nurse, but eventually needed to move into a care home, then a nursing home. My cousins weren’t in the UK when their parents became infirm, they’d emigrated as young people. I liaised from a distance to get my uncle and aunt the help they needed.

It’s not always a cut and dried situation, not everyone who isn’t a carer for their parents is selfish.

@Seymour5 , it sounds like you did the best you could. You do need to be living fairly close or have your parent move in. I was on constant standby with my mum but after she died my dad moved in with me. I had a home that could accommodate him but it was quite a strain. He died in my house. We have since moved.

It's very frustrating. Just get the fucking carers! (I'm saying that to them and all elderly parents who do this)

If you give up work to move in with them and be their carer, it will break you and will probably break your daughter too. If you try to work and be their carer on top, that will break you too.

It isn't uncommon for elderly people to reject paid help and expect their family to look after them, but when those family members work for a living and have their own children, that just isn't viable. Your parents are already receiving money for care, and may well be eligible for more. They need a social care assessment.

Please don't fall into the trap of trying to be a carer when you are simply not in a position to do that. You have a daughter, she's your priority. Your mum could live for another 20 years, her health and your father's could decline badly, they could get dementia, it would be very tough for you.

Goodness these threads are heartbreaking and frustrating. I learnt quickly to be sharp and to the point with my Mother. Otherwise things went round and round in circles. She just didnt expect to feel and get as old as she did. Had no plans and lived on her own. Thought she would just fall asleep one night and not wake up which happens to very few of us.

Mum was OK in that she generally did what I told her to. However the falls got more and more frequent and she was in denial. Wanted to die, clung onto anyone who offered to help and then often made a bit of a nusiance of herself (she was in a retirement complex) getting worried about things i.e a light bulb going in a room. Made a big thing of it and told almost everyone she came across!

Just

If you sell your house and give up work to look after your parents, if one dies and the other needs to go into care or they both need care you will not be able to stay in the house. Social services only take into consideration occupants over 60.

do not sell your house.

I have made the decision that i am not sacrificing the critical, formative GCSE years at the beginning of Dds life to care needs for two stubborn people at the end of theirs. I do what I can around my family but I'm not prepared to have Dd losing out on my involvement in her work and life any more. I say this after 4 years at it which show no sign of ending.

There is supporting your parents and there is caring for your elderly parents. The two are not the same. The majority of people I know are happy to support their parents but in this day and age it is unrealistic to assume that children will be able to care for their parents.

As my parents got older I was very clear at what level of support I would be able to provide and what services they may need to buy in. It is very difficult to set boundaries especially as they were from a generation and a cultural were children (specifically daughters regardless of however they were treated) were expected to care for them in old age if that mean given up jobs or allowing them to move in, so be it.

It is very apparent that large numbers of elderly parents have not planned appropriately and are very resistant to advice from their children. Unfortunately, all you can do is leave them to it, wait for the crisis to happen and hope that this will make them realise what needs to happen to keep them safe.

it is not easy and you will feel immense amounts of guilt (from family and social services) and frustration but the reality is most people need to work an almost full time job and may also have caring responsibilities that have to come before the responsibilities of caring for elderly relatives.

As previous posters have stated I would make sure your parents are claiming everything they are entitled to and then work with them to put their 'village' in place. If you have an Age UK branch local to you they are very good at offering advice and services from toenail cutting to befriend groups, dog walkers etc.

It isn't uncommon for elderly people to reject paid help and expect their family to look after them, but when those family members work for a living and have their own children, that just isn't viable. When the family members are retired and children grown up, it still isn't viable. It takes more than one person to look after someone who needs 24 hour care. It takes more than one person to look after someone needing daytime care only, if that one person is to get time for relaxation each day, holiday leave and sick leave.

All we've done in increasing life expectancy recently is increase the length of time people need care at the end of their lives.