I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

What if we're in the middle of doing our best for our own children and have to work full time to pay for their needs, and our parents are of the generation who felt that making themselves happy and fulfilled was doing their best for us (the 1960s-1990s mantras were "happy mum, happy kids" and "children are resilient" and both were generally used as a license to assume children would be fine whatever (as long as fed and housed) and didn't really get considered in decisions.

Those same parents in their 70s-90s would now dominate our lives if we did all their care, in a way we didn't dominate theirs as childrenand at the expense of our own children who for a lot of us are still (in many cases a long way) under 18 and need to be our priority.

Just another voice to say, see your priorities clearly (roof over head and food on table for you and your daughter, for whom you are the primary carer and for whom not having specifically you there will be a lifetime loss). That leaves no time for any significant care input for parents.

BELIEVE me, there will be absolutely plenty for you to do even if your parents get maximum help. But keep your priorities absolutely straight in your head. I often quote Katharine Whitehorn's comment on parenting teenagers in mind when thinking about almost any interaction- 'they have least resistance to a cheerful impersonal No'.

Can your parents afford carers? It could gone out if the Attendance Allowance.

No decent parent would want or let their busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to become their carers so forget that. It would be incredibly selfish of them otherwise. The needs of people at the end of their life don't trump those of people in the prime of theirs.
Contact social services and start spending the non means tested AA. We are responsible for own well being. Old age shouldn't come as a surprise. They're not just banking the money and giving the family the runaround are they?!

Blimey
in Sussex they are bastards. They even threatened my dad if he challenged it again they would take him to court to get back the year he got "overpaid" and he won't let me challenge it again

Loads of good advice If you don’t work do you get pension stamp? As if not you are going to be poor forever… with your dd trying to help as you age.

if you move in they will become totally dependent within weeks… no holidays with dd, days out are a mare to organise even cinema trips you sit worrying.

also you give up your house and life… if there’s inheritance (facilitated by you giving up your home and life) you can bet that you siblings will want half of the estate coz you lived rent free etc

do not do it and tell everyone that you won’t

If your mum has her state pension she won’t be getting carer’s allowance so it’s probably attendance allowance that your dad gets.

I spoke to a carers agency today and went back to my mum with the details. They are going to start getting a carer in a few times a week to help my dad with washing etc.

It's a step in the right direction which is good. I still worry so much about the future and have to admit I was in tears tonight which just overwhelm. I fear for the future and their wellbeing and also mine and my DD's. I also fear losing them. So many horrible emotions going on at the moment.

Cherry that's a massive step. I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. I really hope your parents settle with the carers and you can concentrate on your job search.

Well done, that is great. The first step is the hardest and once your parents have a bit of outside help, they may feel comfortable with more (eg cleaner, gardener etc - not necessarily carer)

Thank you 🙏

I just feel so sad 😢 It's horrible the thought of losing your parents.

x

Sending

My mum was very resistant at first, but every time we talked her into a bit more help (someone to iron, meals on wheels, more care visits) we said if she didn’t like it, she could always cancel… and she never once cancelled anything 😀

Thanks everyone.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without Mumsnet. This site is like the husband I don't have at times 😂 xx

I'm not saying it covers 24/7 carers. I'm saying that you have to need help overnight (eg going to the loo) to be eligible. Other people's local councils may be more generous but this is the wording

RateLevel of help you need
Lower rate - £72.65Frequent help or constant supervision during the day, or supervision at night

Higher rate - £108.55
Help or supervision throughout both day and night, or a medical professional has said you’re nearing the end of life

Ie you need help or supervision during the entire 24 hour period. My mum is paralysed and can do nothing at all for herself. SS have deemed, because she has a catheter and a sleeping tablet and because my dad gets to sleep all night that she is not eligible for the higher rate even though she cannot be left unsupervised. Ironically they happily funded a nursing home placement when dad was recently unwell as they acknowledged that mum couldn't be left unsupervised yet they won't pay the higher rate AA. And they frightened Dad so much he absolutely refuses to speak to AgeUk
if you got the higher rate with lower needs then you are lucky.

Plus the baby/child does what it's told and doesn't argue or do the opposite of what everyone tells them to do in some sort of defiant gesture that "there's nothing wrong with me and I won't be told what to do"

I had a similar situation and at times it felt like my dad wanted me to give up my job to look after him. Deep down he didn’t really want that but it felt like it was expected by others in the family. The worst for me was the guilt. And yet, my brother, who lives far away, felt no guilt at all. You need to work and can’t do care for them. There must be a way to get state care support as there has to be care for those who don’t have anyone. You have my sympathy.

To be fair the small child sometimes didn't do what she was told and/or was defiant.

But in that situation you just stick in playpen, strap into pushchair/car seat or stick them under your arm and get on with it!

Unlike elderly parent...

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · Today 12:31

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 11:14
icanthinkformyselfthanks
”My brother just about abdicated any responsibility …”

No child is “responsible” for their parents. If people want to help out, fine. If they don’t, equally fine.

, it’s interesting that I seem to disagree with you on almost everything. I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility.

No it isn’t. As it happens, my parents were rubbish, didn’t do their best at all. Even if they had, no-one should plan to burden their children with the expectation of care as they age. We all know it’s coming, we have plenty of time to plan for it. No way on earth will we expect our children to care for us.
It was our job to care for them and raise them to adulthood. Once we’ve done that, they have their own families and lives to live.
we’ve planned accordingly, as everyone ought to.

It might be different because I’m in Scotland but my mum has dementia and lives with my brother. She has carers 4 times a day and it’s provided free. They get her up and washed in the morning, do her personal care they’ve during the stand and get her ready for bed at night. She also goes to a day centre each week to give my brother a break or to allow him to go to the office rather than wfh. They pick her up and drop her off. She also has ALERT which is the system she uses if she has a fall as my brother hurt himself lifting her previously. They have keys and if the system is activated they will answer via an intercom. If there is no answer it becomes a priority and they attend immediately. If she falls now my brother activates the system either by pressing my mum’s pendant button or hitting the button on the intercom.

@MrsSkylerWhite thank you. My parents outwardly mocked their peers who downsized, adapted properties etc to ensure they could manage as they aged. As parents, particularly our mother, she did exactly what she wanted in life. If that meant impromptu parties on a Sunday night until the small hours she was totally on board. Very middle class - very Hyacinth Bucket but very easily swayed after a few drinks - zero thought for us as kids having to then navigate a late night with an early school get up. I get incredibly fed up listening to ‘you have a responsibility brigade’. Absolutely go for it if you know your parents put you as their priority. I definitely prioritised my kids but and it is set in stone, I have zero expectation of them dropping anything to assist me. That is my responsibility and is why I have already moved to more appropriate housing. I am almost 60 and I will continue assessing what makes life easier. They have their own lives and responsibilities-I am not one of them.

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first OP and you have your own DD to think of. Have you asked for a payment holiday on your mortgage? If not, do that ASAP as at the very least it'll get you a month's break but possibly 6 months. Redundancy is the kind of situation they are meant for, to give you a break while job hunting.

Also, contact your parents' pharmacy and set up getting their medication delivered - lots will do this for elderly patients who aren't so mobile. It was one job I didn't then have to do when my dad was saying 'my daughter will do that' to everything.

I got used to repeating 'I live X miles away, I have a school aged child and I work full time. I am not in a position to do the care'. Practice saying this and use it or social services will try to push it onto you.

This week I went to the pharmacy twice, first time my mum forgot to tell me which name it was under. The second time the medicine wasn't all there. I said to my mum they need to set up a delivery system but she said that it costs money (which tbh they have) they are in the doctors surgery and pharmacy almost daily at times. It's worth the money.

Sorry I'm in such a bad mood. My DD went back to school today, I randomly met a friend after school and we went for a walk quickly, I needed to clear my head, last night I honestly just felt depressed by the situation.

I called my mum afterwards to see how they are doing, I mentioned I went for a quickly walk and now off to get our food shopping and was met with almost silence. I think my mum feels I should bring going over to her house instead of doing something for myself 🤦🏻‍♀️

I disagree. It isn't the responsibility of children to care for their parents in old age. In most cases it wouldn't be practical if they are working full time and have children to look after.

Many people have difficult relationships with their parents who did not treat them well during their childhood. Would you expect people to care for abusive parents?

I would never expect my children to have to care for me in old age. I made the choice to have children and caring for them during their childhoods is the bare minimum expected of parents. Failure to do so can result in losing your children and prosecution. There is no such obligation for children to care for elderly parents. Some may want to do so and that is entirely their decision.

Aaarghh. That is an awful to hear. You're in this for the long haul and need time for yourself, and if they don't acknowledge this it will be like living in a straight jacket.