I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

They have had their lives- thats the entire point, THEY got to enjoy the exact same life stage that the OP is in now, so why is OP not allowed the same right to enjoy this life stage herself? OK, I understand it if elderly person”s enjoyment of life stops someone else enjoying their life, which often we are talking about.

I’ve seen it with a feeling of “they’ve had their life. They should have enjoyed it when they could because they’ve no right to feel any pleasure from now on”. That’s the bit I can’t accept.

@MereDintofPandiculation I totally see your point - I think sometimes on here people find themselves using the ‘wrong’ language due to being at the end of their tether. I absolutely agree the whole thing cannot be put under one umbrella and you are right to challenge. I also do feel we ought to give people some chance to air views on here, however unpopular those views maybe so they perhaps feel less alone in difficult situations. But do keep challenging as yes we cannot just assume all elderly are selfish and stubborn. Some are genuinely lonely and most likely frightened. You bring a good balance.

WE matter in all this. My mother at my age was totally free to do what she wanted. No wonder I have a different perspective. My mother at my age was dead. My father at my age was completely rewiring our large Victorian house. (Though I never had a single day’s childcare from either - the single time I remember was them watching the baby for a couple of hours on holiday so DH and I could have a swim)

My father took early retirement to care full time for my mother who was using a wheelchair by then. He then had the adjustment from providing 24 hour care to having nothing to do. He did enjoy his retirement, but it wasn’t the retirement they’d planned. And he was from the generation that deferred pleasure in order to have a good retirement. So in that sense, I’ve “had my life” far more than they did.

She, granny, also lived alone for along time, popped to the local shops for her bread milk etc. where she would have a chat. She also had friends and neighbours and pootled around various hobbies, bingo, flower arranging at the church, so she wasn’t reliant on our mother so much. That’s a big difference, I think. My GPs died relatively quickly of cancer/heart disease. Nowadays so many have years of slow physical and mental decline while taking 6 tablets a day to ward off anything which would kill them quickly. So it’s not so much that our parents refused to help their parents while selfishly demanding help for themselves, it’s that so many of them have needs that their parents didn’t have. The charitable interpretation would be that they don’t realise the magnitude of their demands. But in some cases (eg BlueLegume) that’s clearly not true -she knows she’s demanding a lot but thinks she’s right to do so.

I'm pretty lucky in that my parents have a different perspecte as thay have been carers there entire lives. Firstly for my paternal grandmother who lived with them, then daily visits to my maternal grandmother who eventually went into a care home but refused to eat unless my mum was there. Then a family friend for whom they had LPOA and who was the most demanding.

My mum sees the difficulties my dh has with my in laws and says that she doesn't want us to get into the trap she was in although she never begrudged doing anything for my paternal grandmother as she was so easy to look after, accepted all help and was so easy going.

You know perfectly well that is not what people mean.

people mean that their parents have enjoyed their own lives unfettered with their own parents needing high levels of support from their children and that it is unfair, having lived their lives exactly how they chose, of them to expect their own children to give up their lives to care for them when plenty of parents have the resources to buy in care or can adapt their way of life but refuse to do so. Or, like my parents, want their children to spend as much time with them as possible because they are miserable with how their lives have turned out and have a bottomless desire for company to wallow in misery with that can never be quenched, despite making no efforts whatsoever to try and adopt a positive approach to life.

You know perfectly well that is not what people mean. No, I don’t - I see it not just here but in AIBU, when it’s usually about what GPs are allowed to do with GC.

You and I have different perspectives, so will understand comments in different ways.

We will all get old and people are living far longer than a generation ago. I get that some elderly people are scared. Maybe they made poor decisions or werent good parents and often put themselves first.

We all try and do the best we can with the circumstances around our elderly parents getting older.

However - what isnt acceptable and I see this on these threads all the time

• expecting your children to do your bidding and be available 24/7 to answer calls about anything you deem to be important to you
• To guilt trip anyone you can to do what you want
• To refuse to use any AA or savings to make everyone's life more comfortable. After all your children (normally a daughter) will do it all for you. That makes the elderly person feel much better and they prefer someone they know.
• Keep saying 'its not urgent but' or 'I know you are busy but'
• Dismissing any inconvience you have such as cancelling a holiday because something has happened to them which ends up being non urgent. After all you can go on holiday anytime... I found with one parent they rallied numerous times when it was thought this might be it.

@MichaelandKirk
yup. My father caused total chaos while I was off sick with stress post my husband being unfairly dismissed from work this summer.
despite being told not to attempt lift concrete fence posts and that the job would be done for him, he was too impatient to wait despite here being absolutely no urgency to getting the fencing done.
the short version is that he refused to be told what not to do and at 80 decided to concrete in massive heavy fencing posts. One of which fell on him. He ended up in hospital, yet again I had to dump everything to sort out the chaos caused and mum had to go into a nursing home for 5 weeks at great expense.

all because he is too stubborn to accept advice from people younger than him and is too impatient to wait a week for a job to be done.

I can understand not using savings. It’s not a bottomless pot, and it cannot be replenished. It may have to last 25 years, and who knows what major catastrophes will happen in 25 years? Besides, they’re the first generation dealing with the probability rather than possibility of years of expensive care - they didn’t save for themselves, they saved for their children or grandchildren. One of the reasons for claiming AA if eligible is that it may feel easier to spend that.

Age UK were very helpful when my parents started ailing, see if they can offer assistance

AA goes a depressingly short way in covering the cost of care visits. I know that FIL is anxious to leave some savings behind for his children, but they've mentally waved goodbye to that. He just needs to catch up.

Quite honestly their judgement goes and they start either not listening or making daft decisions.

To everyone experiencing this, I feel your pain. It’s so hard. My mum is in this position has been offered respite and carers at home but says they can manage. They can’t. My dad is 90 and can do a bit but not meet her needs, she expects me to do everything. I can’t keep doing it and my own family need me. I’m angry that she has refused outside help. I’m not sure what needs to happen to make her realise. It’s exhausting.

Well I would hope noone adopts the attitude that just because you are old you dont deserve any pleasure in life because that is indeed horrible.

I think what people are referring to is your first point- that elderly relatives ARE expecting their own enjoyment or needs to eclipse anyone else's and that is most certainly wrong.

Regarding the pleasure in life principle though- this is complex because often people get stubborn and challenging when they get old and in fact they are often the ones preventing themselves from enjoying life.

Examples: my nan was constantly lonely after my grandad died. She expected me to visit her daily to entertain her. She refused to come to me by taxi (she had plenty of money btw). I simply couldnt- I was pregnant and exhausted at the time, working full time, and trying to buy a house. I physically couldnt go out to visit her every day even if I had wanted to, it was too far. So, instead I visited her weekly, I researched social groups for her, I contacted her local church and they said they'd arrange for someone to collect and take her to services (she had a faith), I contacted age concern about befriending, you name it, I researched it.

Guess what?- she refused every single damn thing. Yet she kept complaining to me about how lonely she was. This is a prime example of how her own stubbornness prevented her from socialising and reduced pleasure in her own life. The things I suggested were all there waiting for her but she wouldnt do them. Thats fine - I am not going to try and force anyone to do anything but then you cannot then moan that you never see anyone and never socialise.

Another example- she would refuse to take her medication which impacted her physical health. She had no cognitive decline, she just liked to challenge everyone and thought she knew better than the GP- this caused her physical discomfort and also reduced her pleasure in life but no matter how much we cajoled or begged her to take it she wouldnt. Again, another example of her own stubbornness affecting her quality of life.

@parisinjanuary same story over and over. You have my sympathy- and that of my sister who today acquiesced to our mother, cleaning and trying to help - sis is now at my house emotionally exhausted but not wanting to burden her DH. Of course I will have her stay over. Of course I have made some supper. Of course I will also tell her she isn’t a horrible daughter because our brother, now/suddenly eternally’ in London’ ‘in an audit’ ‘got lots on my plate’ thinks we do not do enough or in his words “the care for our parents is my only priority’. BS. He turns up when it suits. He enabled her ridiculous attitude to not organise a suitable nursing facility for our father. He also does a terrible thing of showing random texts to his clique of friends completely out of context and then feeds back how outraged said clique is. Never provides any context just - rather like his mother - revels in the victim status drama. I will always caveat any post with we are not perfect but this is a safe space to vent.

Sorry I've been AWOL.

I went into a bit of a dark place just through stress, I couldn't stop crying. So I've been put on a low dose of anti depressants. I'm feel very rubbish from the side effects and have good days and bad.

My mums been amazing, but I'm dad really isn't in gone shape. Everytime he gets ill he seems to become more frail. Walking isn't easy for him, you always worry he will fall. Consequently my mum is a prisoner of her own house.

They have a carer coming in once a day to wash, dress my dad. And medicine is being delivered now.

But my mums mental health isn't great and she needs me and my sister as she doesn't know anyone else.

She has a dentist appointment mid week which I have to take her and bring along my dad too. Right now I feel like utter crap from the AD 😛 Today she mentioned that the dog needs walking.

In general they are being self sufficient at the moment, but I'm not well myself so even the smallest of things are difficult. It's mainly being there socially for my mum when all I want to do is huddle under a blanket and sleep 😴

Sorry it's all so bad right now OP. Can you or your sister book a dog walker? You can't do it all - even if it's you that they know, that isn't sustainable.

I would postpone the dentist appointment as that sounds like something that could wait and will be very hard work for you right now.

Be kind to yourself

My mums having two teeth taken out, so I'm going to have to look after her afterwards.

The timing is so bad, I'm trying to look after my DD as well.

@Cherryblossom200 I'm sorry things are so hard for you.
This may not be helpful but worst case scenario for your DPs, they can get more paid care or your Dsis can do more. You have to look after yourself so you can look after your DD.

Your DM may have to get used to someone else walking her dog, or it doesn't get walked for a bit. It feels like that's something that could be taken off your plate.

I hope you feel better soon. Does your mum know about the ADs?

Shut down any mentions of the dog- say its not possible for you to help out with it right now. Unless you think walking it might boost your mental health.

Can you have a sit down with your sister, figure out a list of jobs and what each of you can reasonably do, what your parents will have to step up with (sorting care and dog walker), what can be paid for and what gets left?

I know nobody wants to rush to residential care but with my parents my DF going into a home was a massive relief.

You'll know yourself that kids with SN can sometimes tip into needing a lot of support too. My DC has fairly mild ND and has just needed a hell of a lot of help with a life transition. I got so burned out dealing with their diagnosis at the same time as my parents. Maybe your parents need to be reminded their GC need you and your sister too?

Sorry for going AWOL. I've been having some rest from everything. The AD's were awful, so I came off them very quickly. I started taking a high dose of vitamin d which made me feel so much better. I think I was deficient in vitamin d which was exacerbating the stress.

I've been busy applying for roles, in between having some rest and feel so much better.

However I am still struggling to with my parents. My mum in particular, I'm almost certain she has ADHd mixed with anxiety. And it's full on. She is very negative as a person which is getting worse as she gets older. I call every day and brace myself for the the negative conversation which always happens. It's always something she complains about, and the level of conversation is almost always medical related. Nothing else.

I am been distancing myself a bit from my parents for my own sanity. Last weekend I spent the whole weekend doing stuff with them, going to the cinema and them having them over for lunch and to watch a film with us. But during the week I'm job searching and doing my own thing. I know my mum deep down would like me to pop over during the week to see them or to do something with them. But I refuse to. I just can't deal with the level or depression, anxiety and negativity she has.

My parents have no friends. Me and my sister are their only source of entertainment. And I feel guilty if I don't do anything with them.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping with my DD for my dad's gifts for my mum. We enjoy it, and I don't mind doing it to help. Today I planned to have a day at home and breakfast in bed in my DD.

My parents are going into London with my sister and her family, first thing this morning I get a phone call from my mum asking if we can have the dog for the day. I said sure no worries. But it looks like I've misplaced their house key, so they would need drop the dog off at mine (we live five minutes away). I'm still in my pj's and would mean bundling my DD into the car to collect the dog. I could tell my mum was angry that I wouldn't collect the dog and help her out, and the phone was just horrible. Now I'm just left feeling guilty and angry and it will spoil the lovely day I had planned with my DD.

This is always what happens, every phone call I have with my mum triggers something within me because it's so negative. I just feel depleted of happiness and my day starts off feeling rubbish.

My mum mentioned that she would like to go into Piccadilly Circus so they could see the sights. I said no, my mum struggles walking, my dad is in a wheelchair and my DD has ADHD. This felt too much responsibility for me. I said my sister should help out as she has a husband and grown child so there would be more help with the wheelchair. But I could see she got upset that I said no.

I am literally going insane with her expectations. I am working on myself to improve my life and my parents in particular my mum is just bringing me down.

I don't know what to do anymore, because if I distance myself then they have no one other than my sister.

Sorry for the rant! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 10:27

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 10/10/2024 12:31
** , it’s interesting that I seem to disagree with you on almost everything. I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility.

I disagree. It isn't the responsibility of children to care for their parents in old age. In most cases it wouldn't be practical if they are working full time and have children to look after.
Many people have difficult relationships with their parents who did not treat them well during their childhood. Would you expect people to care for abusive parents?
I would never expect my children to have to care for me in old age. I made the choice to have children and caring for them during their childhoods is the bare minimum expected of parents. Failure to do so can result in losing your children and prosecution. There is no such obligation for children to care for elderly parents. Some may want to do so and that is entirely their decision.

That was not my comment. I completely agree with you!

How about people like me? I'm literally a solo parent, normally working full time looking after a child with ADHD. How am I realistically supposed to also care for my elderly parents to the level they require?

@Cherryblossom200 in all honesty i think you will have to pull back from your parents slightly?? If its starting to get you down. Regards the care required later on....get social services involved and a care assessment straight away. Do not get pushed into caring for your parents, you already have enough on. If they won't entertain the idea of carers helping then tough. There is only so much you can do for people.

You’re not expected to care for them by anyone except your mum. There is a system. There are people whose job it is to do care (you have some already), gardens, dog walking, taxi rides. I suggest you contract a very long lasting flu, which you clearly couldn’t risk passing onto them, and rest up. Maybe you’ll even have a relapse, who knows. If you are suddenly unable to ‘rally round’ they will find a way. Do not be guilt tripped into doing more than you easily can, or want, to keep up indefinitely. You and your DD come first. You are your mum’s daughter, not her carer.