I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

Full attendance allowance is around £108 per week, it sounds like both of them would be eligible for it, so if your DF isn't already getting it it's worth going through the form with him - took me about 2 hours to go through DMs.

If they get that they have £200 per week for carers/ support. Won't go hugely far as agency costs are high but should be enough for an hour long daily visit.

I'd research agencies and keep mentioning it if the expectations on you ramp up. Do not move in, that's madness as the house may need to be sold to pay for care in the future, then you would be homeless.

It is hard to reconcile what you think a good dutiful DC would do versus what you need to do for yourself. I was recently made redundant in my 50s and could have scraped along and dedicated more time to my DPs. Instead I got a new ft job. I want a nice standard of living in retirement and I want to be fulfilled. I will do my best for my DPs but they will need to engage carers for most of it.

My parents helped care for/had LPOA for an elderly lady with absolutely no family (she had been a friend of my grandparents). My parents both work full time and employ about 30 people. It was amazing how many health professionals just assumed my parents could be with her all the time even though they are not related (they kept referring to her as your mum to my dad).

You have to be firm. This lady had a care package whereby carers came in three times a day (she had substantial savings so some of it had to be paid for) plus my parents used her attendance allowance to pay a neighbour to pop in daily too. But ultimately it became not enough and she had to go into residential care

Exactly, OP you don't need to uproot your life. That's what carers are for, it is their job.
The problem comes when they don't accept outside help but will struggle on themselves and then rely on family to drop everything.. it's selfish.

"Full attendance allowance is around £108 per week, it sounds like both of them would be eligible for it"

the person needs to have 24 hour care needs to have full attendance allowance. Ie someone has to do something for them overnight. My mum cannot be left alone as she can't move, can't summon help and can't speak but dad only gets the lower rate AA for her because she has a catheter which drains into an overnight bag. He has appealed this and still gets the lower rate.so dad gets £72 a week
i doubt ops mum would get it either if she doesn't have attendance needs , they don't just give it away Willy nilly.

icanthinkformyselfthanks

”My brother just about abdicated any responsibility …”

No child is “responsible” for their parents. If people want to help out, fine. If they don’t, equally fine.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks very much your choice to dedicate yourself to your parents. Not keen on the wording regarding your brother. He must have had his reasons and sometimes choosing feeling guilty for not taking more on is preferable to resentful feelings that someone has given up their own life to be a carer. It’s tough all round.

Maybe it's different in Scotland. I was surprised when DM got the highest rate, but I think it's because she put that she really struggles to get to the bathroom overnight, but she manages it without someone else.

@MrsSkylerWhite , it’s interesting that I seem to disagree with you on almost everything. I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility.

Your dad needs to go into a care home really. I'm sorry you are going through this.

How far do you live from them? Of course you can’t care for them but would checking up on them in the evening be impossible?

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility. What is your opinion if the parent didn’t do their best? What if they were unpleasant, judgemental, cruelly critical and clipped your wings? Plus watched you retire knowing your plans to spend time with your own adult children and new grandchildren and then proceed to decide they will ‘tell you what we want from you Blue Legume’ when I said I would not be available everyday for cleaning, domestic jobs, gardening. Literally told me what they expected. I live an hour away and retired due to a health condition I manage with medication and a sensible lifestyle. But hey ho we need you back now after 35 years - back to being the skivvy you were as a child when I should have been having a childhood.

I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility

Curious how you expect people with young kids and a full time job to do this- are they "selfish" for wanting to pay their bills and keep a roof over their heads for their own children?

What if the parents did not in fact "do their best" to care for you?

Its all very well pontificating on what people "should do" but practically there isnt much time left in the day after work, picking kids up from after school clubs, etc

@parisinjanuary spot on. I would love to have a conversation with @Icanthinkformyselfthanks and shed some reality on walking in my shoes for close on 60 years.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

"the person needs to have 24 hour care needs to have full attendance allowance."

No, this isn't correct (possibly a matter of wording). My dad got higher rate attendance allowance and my mum got (and still gets) the lower/basic rate. Neither required 24h care. It is a list of things that you can no longer do for yourself without assistance eg showering. I believe AGE UK or similar charities can help with the forms.

Public funding wouldn't cover 24h care needs at home because it is much cheaper for the public purse for them to be in a residential home (assuming not self funded).

It is entirely different @Icanthinkformyselfthanks .

1. When you are caring for a baby, assuming no severe needs, the child will become increasingly independent. It is 2-3 years of changing nappies, excluding the odd accident thereafter. Less than a year of feeding them before they can do it themselves. Maybe 3-4 years of assisting with dressing, but with less intervention as time goes on, not more.
2. You can pick a baby or toddler up. You do not need special equipment to move them around or risk injury
3. A baby/toddler is not embarrassed, awkward or grumpy about needing the help because roles have switched
4. Most babies will have a parent at home for the first 6-12 months who will be on mat/pat leave and not trying to hold down a job at the same time
5. When you are caring for a parent, you probably have responsibilities to your school age kids at the exact same time
6. The baby lives where you live; parents or in-laws, typically, do not, meaning hours spent in travel time etc.

Um I'm a sole parent to a young child and own a house, I normally work full time. My child had ADHD as well. Today she is home because she is unwell herself, I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to look after anyone else as well? I get no benefits. I pay for absolutely everything on my own!

And my list applies even if parents were lovely and did their best. It's purely practical.

There are a whole load more bullet points if the parents were awful and to those who grew up with that x

Well said. Babies are dependent for a few years - an elderly person with dementia can go on for 20 years.

You also dont risk back injuries trying to move a baby that is 14 stone and is lashing out at you at the same time.

You dont need specialist hoists or manual handling training to help transfer a baby who is 6 months old.

Its not even remotely comparable.

@Cherryblossom200 you sound like a lovely daughter and mother. You simply cannot do it all. You have a daughter who needs you more than your parents do- it’s time for them to have formal care however this is funded. Do they own the property? Do you have power of attorney? Not to be rude but these things will need sorting sooner rather than later because there is no reversing this situation- dementia only gets worse.

Your GP may be able to point you in the right direction for getting an assessment for care funded by council if they have less in their accounts than used to self fund. You can also look on the age UK website for advice.

You need to put you and your child first in all decisions or you will fall apart with it all and get resentful very quickly - you genuinely need your own oxygen first.
Best tip I had was to think hard about what you can do for your parents' care/support and the time commitment that requires but then halve it. Stuff doesn't run smoothly and we have less time and mental and physical capability in one day than we imagine.
Though if and when your parents get a care assessment just say you can't do anything at all, zilch, no commitment, no time, just no - I get this is hard to do - and the care package needs to cover care, shopping and everything needed - there will be more than enough left for you and your sister to do even if you got max care calls etc plus your parents will just enjoy normal visits not those where you're rushing around and they can see you are busy and stressed dealing with them with no time to enjoy each other.
It's a horrendous position to be in, I wish you all the very best - oh and there are some amazing threads you can vent on on here where all truly understand and support.

Best tip I had was to think hard about what you can do for your parents' care/support and the time commitment that requires but then halve it. Stuff doesn't run smoothly and we have less time and mental and physical capability in one day than we imagine.

@Cherryblossom200 I would completely agree with this. My Mother had carers in twice a day to get her washed/dressed in the morning and to help her get ready for bed in the evening - but that was only for personal care. I think 30 minutes twice a week in the morning for a shower and 15 or 20 minutes the rest of the time.

She also had a cleaner/cum home help who came in 2 afternoons a week for around 2.5 hours who would do lots of things - like changing her beds, taking washing down to the communal laundry room and returning it dry ( and that was in a retirement complex, so the cleaner was in the building ,most days except the weekends and would pop in even if she was not there for her cleaning sessions to get the washing etc.). She would replace batteries, lights etc if they had gone. Loads of little jobs that meant we didn't have to spend time travelling a round trip of 1 hour to do the more urgent ones.

I visited once a week, which doesn't sound a lot. But during the rest of the week, very few days passed when I wasn't doing something on her behalf. I sorted all her finances, paid all the bills, changed suppliers to get the best deals for her when necessary. Phoned her so that I could find out what she needed for her Groceries and did an online shop for her. Got it delivered when her cleaner was there as she couldn't put it all away herself. Ordered clothes for her online, returned them if they weren't suitable etc.

Dealt with almost daily phone calls from my Mum because something or other had gone wrong or she was worried about something. Phone calls always lasted for at least an hour and almost impossible to cut short or she got cross. Mostly monologues too, about things she had already said. Latterly it was often twice a day that she phoned - often with things which were just excuses to phone me.

That doesn't include the numerous phone calls, usually in the middle of the night, when she had fallen and couldn't get up/the ambulance was there - and twice on consecutive years on Christmas Day. One in the evening after she had been taken home. The other much earlier in the day when we were intending going over to pick her up and got the phone call then

So many things you will need to do that aren't covered by any help that SS will be able to provide. I was on my knees, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown by the time she died, after 4 years of struggling more and more. She was desperate to stay at home and we did our best to facilitate that, but if she hadn't fallen ( yet again) and had a stroke it would have been a care home if she had recovered. So my advice is the same as the poster I am quoting. Don't say you can do anything that can be provided by SS as you will still have a heap of other things needing doing to help

There is absolutely no need to do this. They need a carers' assessment by social services and a financial assessment. They'll be assessed as needing x amount of care, and either have to fund that themselves (depending on how much they have in
savings) or SS will have to pay for it.

SS will try to bully/blackmail you into doing it but ignore that, stand firm and repeat that you have a full time job in order to provide for yourself and your child and you cannot provide care.

If it makes it easier, think of it in terms of providing resilience. Even if you did do all the care (which would be impossible with your other commitments) at some point you wouldn't be able to because of illness, holiday, carer burnout etc. If they have nothing else in place at that point then they're stuck. Whereas if they have carers set up then there's already things there.

Nobody ever wants any outside help. But the reality is it's that or no help at all.

"it’s interesting that I seem to disagree with you on almost everything. I believe that when our parents did their best to care for us when we were young it is our responsibility to care for them when they need it. There are a lot of very selfish people who don’t accept that responsibility but it is their responsibility"

This is impossible for a lot of people - if you have children and a job, then you can't also be a full time carer.
It boils down to are you going to call social services to care for your child or your elderly parent because you can't do both and also keep a roof over your head.

Exactly, @EmotionalBlackmail . OP's number one priority has to be her child's wellbeing. That means getting back to work as soon as possible to carry on providing them with a secure home. Her parents may well prefer the option that provides them with the least upheaval, but they have no right to expect her to facilitate this at the expense of her own family life.