I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

Thanks everyone. Today was horrible, my DD picks up on things very easily and is sensitive due to her ADHD. It was one phone call which then set the tone for the rest of the day. Silly I know, but I realised that the situation with my parents is now so bad that it is definitely contributing to my mental health and my DD's.

Both my parents, especially my mum didn't have easy childhoods. They had a turbulent and often volatile relationship, coupled with my mums anxiety it wasn't always easy growing up in my household. As soon as I got a chance I moved out to get peace from the craziness.

I kept my distance for many years, but when I fell pregnant with my DD I moved close to my family. They have been a great support and help, which is why I try to help out as much as I can with them. But I realise things have gone too far how. The issues are still there and I feel I have no choice but to back away.

I need to protect my peace and happiness.

Hmm, I know you're saying that you're distancing yourself but the daily phone calls, last minute dog care requests and cinema trip sounds like you're still pretty enmeshed.

I'd absolutely sack off the last minute dog requests. Tell them you need more warning. Then you're not refusing to help but you're not at their beck and call either, and it's entirely reasonable to not wanting the dog dumped on you with no notice.

The daily phone calls are a lot too, try getting it down to a couple of times a week, which is still plenty.

I'd be wary about suggesting your sister takes on jobs for them. If they want to go out in London then it's up to them to facilitate that - if you can't then that' fair enough, and you don't need to suggest anything else.

There are other solutions like them buying in help, joining clubs, getting assessed for care.

Thanks, don't worry. I'm re-evaluation everything going forward. The trouble is my DD asks to see my parents regularly, which concerns me especially when they are no longer here. She loves spending time with them, but I feel it might be too much which means when they are not here she will struggle.