I'm not sure how I can offer the level of support my elderly parents need

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

My dad is 85 and have dementia/Alzheimers. My 75 year old mum has asthma and isn't in the best of health herself but she is my dad's carer.

My sister and her family live opposite them and are able to provide a certain amount of help. But they have a child who has additional needs and they both work, although my sister works part time.

I'm a single parent (full time) to a 9 year old, I normally work full time but recently been made redundant and desperately job seeking so I can keep a roof over our head.

Over the past year both my parents have been ill on and off, normally both at the same time. Today they are both ill, and I've collected medicine for them. But refuse to go into the house as I don't want to catch their bug. Otherwise I'll end up with their bug and so will my DD. Which will mean both of us at home and no job searching.

My sister is helping out where she can, but we just end up a lot of the time in a situation where my parents both need help at the same time and it's almost impossible for me working full time. I don't understand how I can be a carer in my situation? Unless I sell my house and move in with my parents and then go slowly mad.

They don't have any real carer help and don't have the money for it.

So it looks like I have to sacrifice my life/home in order to look after my parents because I can't do both.

I have made the decision that i am not sacrificing the critical, formative GCSE years at the beginning of Dds life to care needs for two stubborn people at the end of theirs. Absolutely agree children in their GCSE years are a priority. Not sure why being at the end of life automatically makes your time less valuable than anyone else's. But that seems to be the general consensus.

It is very apparent that large numbers of elderly parents have not planned appropriately I think this is partly because it's only relatively recently that most people can look forward to years and tears of infirmity. My grandparents were carried off fairly quickly and easily with heart failure. Nowadays, we pick up high blood pressure and treat it, heart failure is treated more effectively, and instead dementia is now the leading cause of death, I read the other day. So my father was saving purely and simply to be able to pass his money to his grandchildren - fortunately he can no longer understand that this won't happen - and even my generation is saving to help children and grandchildren, not with the idea that by the time we die there will be barely enough to cover the funeral.

But the generation who are in their 50s and 60s have had time to get used to this change, and understand they need to spend to buy in the care they need.

Mere - I agee with the PP regarding puting their children first rather than very elderly parents who are resistant to change and very often resort to fibbing or pretending that they didnt hear something.

Just dont get me started on people who insist on things being done their way. I hoenstly think having done this twice that the vast majority of elderly people lose their judgement, they become very self absorbed and massively anxious about silly things perstering the life out of their family over very small issues which they blow up out of all proportion.

The phase I dreaded was 'Its not urgent but...'. If you take them at their word and leave it it will come up again and again. Other family members will be pulled in and eventually someone will fix it - job done!

@OnlyTheBravest absolutely nailed it. Well put

We would love to plan ahead, we’re well into our 70s, with no family locally. We’d happily move into retirement housing, but selling our house won’t raise anything like enough to buy privately, plus we don’t have the income to cover service charges.

Affordable rented retirement housing would be the best solution if our health deteriorates. The money we’d raise from selling up would cover rent and any service charges (without relying on benefits) and pay for outside help if and when we need it. We’d also be moving out of a three bedroomed house with a garden. However as homeowners, we’d have to prove a high level of need, whereas anyone over 60 (55 in some areas) in rented accommodation is eligible to apply.

No way would we expect the DC to look after us, they have busy lives with work and teenagers. Being in supported housing wouldn’t only be right for us, it would relieve them of any worry that we’re not coping.

@Seymour5 you sound so sensible and hopefully you can find the right fit for you.

@BlueLegume Thank you. We try to maintain as much independence as we can, so far so good.

Because I only have 24 hours in a day. Work want my time, Dd wants my time, parents want my time, the household needs my time and Dh wants my time.
dd is at the beginning of her life and I can't give her this time again to set her on the right path for her career. I'm certainly no longer prepared to give time she needs to my parents simply because my dad isn't prepared to make simple changes to make his life easier and wants me to be there. Every hour I am with my parents takes away from the time I have to dedicate to my daughter. For the last few years the balance has been more in their favour but it's unsustainable and had started to have an impact on DDs work at school. Something had to give because it's unsustainable

Absolutely agree with your decision. Just the reasoning. Prioritise DC because they're children, they can't sort themselves out, they need you, whereas GPs still have some agency, because someone else will step in if a crisis happens. But not because "they're at the end of their life".. I don't expect that was your thinking, it was just the way you phrased it. And this isn't about you specifically, just triggered some thoughts. But it's something other people say, along with "they've had their life". As if, once you've reached a certain age (75? 80?), your well being no longer matters, and whetehr your life continues or not is of no importance. And yet we keep trying to extend these value-less years of life.

But it's something other people say, along with "they've had their life". As if, once you've reached a certain age (75? 80?), your well being no longer matters

Its not that an older peron's life "doesnt matter", its that they cannot stubbornly refuse all help from outside sources (such as paid carers or council care packages) and then instead expect their children to drop their own lives to be their full time carers. They have had their lives- thats the entire point, THEY got to enjoy the exact same life stage that the OP is in now, so why is OP not allowed the same right to enjoy this life stage herself?

@parisinjanuary thank you. I understand @MereDintofPandiculation is trying to point out everyone’s lives should be considered equal, BUT as @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew said unfortunately some of us are faced with incredibly stubborn inward looking elderly people. It is they themselves who seem to think their time and lives are more important than that of our own families. They most certainly, well my mother in my case have the opinion that they should be our main priority. No consideration that when I turn up (I have stepped back before anyone advises me to) I am happy to do an hour or so of something-I do not expect to have 3 loads of washing to do, cleaning, shopping etc - all to her standards - i.e moving furniture. When it comes to explaining I can’t stay for 6 hours I am expected to give a full explanation or I get ‘well you are retired what have you got to do all day’. Sadly we have to make choices. It does not mean we do not value their lives. We simply have to make choices. Can I also point out WE matter in all this. My mother at my age was totally free to do what she wanted. Her parents died years earlier very quickly after short illnesses. She rubbed in my face how ‘wonderful’ being retired was, did very minimal care of her grandchildren ‘ I didn’t retire to be a childminder’ mentality. She looked after our brothers little girl one day a week mainly because his wife’s parents did the other 4 days. When said grandparents wanted to go a way for a week our mother refused to step up and help saying they would have to find an alternative. My sister and I sent all of our kids to nursery from the get go.

It is they themselves who seem to think their time and lives are more important than that of our own families

Can I also point out WE matter in all this. My mother at my age was totally free to do what she wanted

Indeed. I so relate to all of this. Parents who enjoyed their middle age/retirement completely unfettered, doing exactly what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it (and would not have given it up!), but yet expecting their grown up children to drop everything as if their needs dont matter one jot. Its selfishness. Pure and simple. They got what they wanted in rmiddle age/retirement but noone else is allowed to.

There is also a difference in age and life stage as people tend to have kids older.

DM was a SAHM and DF retired at 60. Both did do more for their parents than I do for mine but at the point they needed support (had stopped driving etc) DBro and I were adults and had left home. And no grandparent ever needed personal care.

Indeed
when my mother was my age (48) I was at uni, her own mother and father had died and she didn't work. I'm an only child so from the age of 48 until she had her stroke at 75 she spent her entire life doing exactly what she liked. And to be fair I've only ever known her to work 12 hours a week in private school term time. My dad retired at 55 and spent 20 years pleasing himself as his mother died when I was 17. They bought their house in 1977 and never moved so they had a titchy mortgage and were extremely comfortably off. They paid off the mortgage when dad was 50 which is something I can only dream about.

yesterday, having spent the morning at their house dad asked me "what are you doing with your afternoon"

"driving 45 minutes home, doing the last 5 days of washing including clothes from a D of E expedition and DHs site clothing, cleaning and then going out 1 hr later to do the school run before cooking dinner".

I'm pretty sure he thinks I do nothing when I'm not there, just sit down doing jigsaws and stuffing my face with chocolates.

@SheilaFentiman good points. I think society is so different it is hard to listen to our mother tell me ‘well I looked after granny so and so’. No you didn’t Mum. She lived one street away, came for tea once a week and that was it. We all live a distance - we moved because of our jobs almost 40 years ago. She, granny, also lived alone for along time, popped to the local shops for her bread milk etc. where she would have a chat. She also had friends and neighbours and pootled around various hobbies, bingo, flower arranging at the church, so she wasn’t reliant on our mother so much. Our mother has never really had any hobbies, she turns her nose up at any suggestions which may alleviate the boredom and loneliness. Refuses to try anything. Has alienated pretty much everyone. Interestingly enough it is very clear friends and family stayed around out of a liking for our father. Since he went into residential nursing everyone has scarpered. Speaks volumes really.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew again spot on. My sister and I were both fortunate to be able to retire a few years ago. We have a couple of hobbies in common, tennis and golf, so we planned to really have some time enjoying doing them together rather than a snatched game here and there as we had to when we worked. We also planned to do some travelling to places our DHs weren’t perhaps as interested in. We managed about 2 months before the wheels seemed to come off our parents and their demands just became all consuming. At times it feels like being under my parents roof again having to explain my every move and account for every minute. Our mother used to have a habit of ‘having a funny turn’ when my sister and I were teenagers-usually when she knew we had plans to go out. I think she just likes spoiling things when she can’t have something fun or nice she ruins it for everyone. Always been the same really.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I do nothing when I'm not there, just sit down doing jigsaws and stuffing my face with chocolates

Haha yes! I remember saying I was tired once and getting the "tired??? why??"

Well, because I am working full time (which you never did) raising young kids and trying to support them with their school work and activities, plus supporting you (which you never did) also trying to cram in housework and laundry and life stuff in the couple of hours free time I get (which you had 24/7 to do because you never worked). It's like they just dont get it- like yours, I am sure they thought I just sit on the sofa all day long in my PJ's doing nothing.

I bloody wish I could do that!

@BlueLegume i totally get you. I have to lie that I have plans quite regularly because if I'm not doing anything specific then my time is free for anyone and everyone to use for me

Yy @BlueLegume - DF supporting DNan took the form of him staying a weekend with her once a month to get in a big freezer shop (she could get milk etc from the village shop and could still walk there) and do her garden (he loved gardening so this was not a hardship!) We are lucky she was active so long but she also took the decision to go into a care home near DF when it was needed, so good for her.

Why don't they choose a nice nursing home, to.move into together? They'd be together then. Their washing/meals and meds would be sorted for then. The only issue I can seen is the dog. Would your sister consider taking it in and bringing it for visits?

@saffronflower solidarity. My sister and I feel guilty having a game of tennis these days. We don’t tell our mother as she, and I quote ‘can’t believe you think playing tennis is a priority’. I could understand that when we had the crisis of Dad in hospital and trying to find him a nursing facility but that is done now. He is settled, safe and cared for in an appropriate setting. I made the mistake of telling our mother I had been to the cinema a month ago. She looked at me in horror and said - ‘you went to the cinema with all this going on? You’re unbelievable BlueLegume’. All this going on is what exactly. Dad is settled. Mum has no ailments she just doesn’t like where life has taken her so we are all expected to press pause and wallow are we? The thing is if she was less difficult we would all be quite happy helping but her refusal to have help such as a cleaner, deliveries etc means we have all run out of steam in keep traipsing over. It might look harsh to onlookers but when absolutely nothing any of us do is right there has to be a line drawn and we have had to stop enabling her manipulation of meaning we all have to be physically present to help her. I used to clean up on a Friday after school/work when I was a teen and my sister used to make the meal - just so we had some leverage to ask if it was ok to go out.

Hi Blue - I do like reading your updates and what you are trying to do. Stuffy - how is the choclate stuffing going??

Yes, there is a view that if you arent doing things for them - what on earth ARE you doing with your time. The work side of things is interesting. Mum was a teacher and back in the day that was a good role to have if you had children. Mortgages were small and providing you stayed in the same house you could make £££ (Mum did this). She was unusual though. There were plenty of her friends who had little part time junior roles and have NO idea of the pressure on our younger generation now. I see my son and his girlfriend working full time in middle management roles and never missing a day sick. Both have a strong work ethic and dont want to settle down for a good few years yet.

In our parents day they often got married early, had children and life in some ways was simplier. Their parents didnt need much care often because they died in their 60's. 70 was considered old.

It's not fair for your parents to refuse outside help and expect you to pick up the slack. Things have changed since elderly parents were young - women need to work now and cannot be expected to be carers by default.

If they can't afford private care, social services have a duty to help. You need to be clear with them that you work and cannot take this on as they may try to push back and suggest you become the carer.

One thing I will recommend to DD is that if she wants any children, have them early. Then at least by the time she is my age they will be older and self sufficient. I reckon 25 is a perfect time.

@SkaterGrrrrl correct. It is unfair for them to refuse external help. Others may argue they want to appear independent but the reality is they, our mother in my case expect us to do things. I also do think that our parents have very little life experience. They never left the village they were born in. Moved less than a mile from their parents. Travelled abroad but always hotels and fancy ones at that so never experienced the true cultures or self catering in where they went. Just the sanitised luxury of places, plus a brand new set of clothes for each trip - all the photos are just of them posing not of the places. Our mother put paid to any hobbies Dad had like sport when we were kids, so in reality quite early on in their marriage. If he did do anything outside of the house she would wade in and inevitably spoil things by falling out with people. Funnily enough this is the first time I have considered the fact my sister and I did grow up in the very early years of our parents marriage - brother is younger so not so much for him. Yes, we literally watched her spoil his life and make sure he had no autonomy in his own life. Goodness, I hadn’t really thought of that before. She has always done silly little dramas. Why am I surprised at her behaviour. Sorry for the ramble. I am trying to make sure I don’t succumb to going over today as I have a niggle of guilt knocking around this morning 🙄