🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@funnelfan hope you and your mum are doing OK.

DM has arrived at ours for Xmas and has already wee'd on the sofa. Happy Christmas to us! 🙄

Oh no @Newmum738 I noticed DM was wearing incontinence pants the other day when I took her to the doctor for a checkup. This is a new development. I’m now wondering if she might have a UTI as she wet herself at the hospital a couple of days before. She’s always had such good bladder control.

She lives in a care home and has just spent a night in hospital yet this doesn’t seem to have occurred to anyone but me.

@Remaker definitely worth getting her checked for a UTI. They don't seem to do that y less prompted!!

Sorry, I had to laugh at poor @Newmum738 's sofa disaster. Like having a beloved elderly dog around the place.
In similar though darker vein, the doctor treating FIL at his fourth hospital in two months outlined the most likely development of his illness (one way street) and the decision -making process that will be worked through in his best interests. FIL was there the whole time, and while he struggles to communicate, he can hear okay, and afterwards wrote down a straggly one-word note that we by process of elimination figured out meant he wants any treatment that might extend his life for a few weeks. I was glad he was able to say something. Throughout the conversation, it felt as if they were talking about a pet on its last legs needing to be put to sleep, rather than a human being with capacity to make his own decisions.
I still think it wouldn't be the best or kindest decision. But it's not mine to make.

@ArabellaFishwife it makes me think that too 😂 I feel for you with DFiL - same here! Think mine is made out of cast iron. He goes on and on against all odds. He has finally been made palliative which is the kindest thing to do, I think! ❤️

MIL (who is also made of cast iron) may finally be reaching the end. BIL called last night to say the home think she may only have days left - we’ll go over there today and see her. I’ve cancelled the plans we had with friends this evening. Really hoping I can get DD to the Christmas services at church tomorrow: she’s meant to be singing.

Mum has now been moved from the emergency assessment unit to a ward full of old ladies who’ve had falls. She’s spending most of the day dozing. I’m hoping to speak to the medical team and then go home and spent Christmas with DH. Keep everything crossed for me!

Everything is crossed @funnelfan for you to have a break from the travel and the worry, very glad your mum was admitted to a ward.

DF has had a fall in the nursing home but the nurses have checked him over and patched him up on site, he seems okay and in good spirits. Grateful this didn’t result in a hospital admission this time of year (also praying there aren’t more falls). Very grateful he seems to be being nicer to me, although his short term memory is increasingly poor.

I’ll pack a hospital grab bag learning from the wisdom of others here.

Mum has tested positive for Covid today. She says she doesn’t feel too bad so told her to rest, take paracetamol and keep warm. Luckily she is up to date with all her jabs. She also has plenty of food in as we were supposed to visit tomorrow and DB on Boxing Day.

i managed to speak to both the doctor and the physio yesterday, so felt confident enough that I could come home for Christmas. Looking at the other patients and their families in the ward, there’s plenty in a worse situation than us. Hope everyone manages to have a decent Christmas.

Glad you managed to get home @funnelfan and will get to enjoy your Christmas without worrying, she is in a safe place being cared for at least.

That was bad timing @Tupperwarelid I hope it is not too bad for her.

My DB should appear again today at some point so I am hoping he can sit with DF in hospital for a bit. It takes so much out of my day and energy I don't have to be travelling back and forth daily. It isn't far, but between recovering from being unwell with 'flu myself, poorly kids and work, plus a lack of sleep over last week sitting with DF whilst waiting for a bed I am beat.

Sorry for the long complicated thread! My MIL has just died and I have discovered she's done some really horrible things to DH and 89 year old FIL - neglect, financial abuse, favouring my SIL with inheritance. FiL now needs some help and care.
During MIL illness DH was constantly there for his family, did practical care and arranged for attendance allowance and carer support despite living 500 miles away he went to their house and lived there on and off for 6 weeks working from home . SIL did a couple of days a week visiting MIL in hospital and stayed over once or twice in the whole time- she has her own business. She promised to stay at Christmas. We have adult kids and are hosting at home. Now she's made the carer redundant and asked DH to go to his dad's to look after him so she can get " a break". She has no partner or children and lives 30 minutes away and spends every Christmas and New Year at FILs house. Frankly she's a complete cow who's never been able to sustain a relationship for longer than a year when they find out how selfish she is. DH has to travel 5 hours up and down for one night and we are going to them on the 2nd for the funeral. I think we have done enough but SIL sends tearful messages and he feels awful. There's more but just too much to say.

Not a thread just a post!!!

@gingerlybread.

@gingerlybread that all sounds shit but most especially SIL making the carer redundant, then deciding she needs a break so someone else has to step in and she has summoned your DH.

I gather SIL ‘stayed’ near ILs and your DH committed the sin of ‘moving away’ so no matter what he did in terms of effort over the years, your MIL believed SIL was the greater contributor and more deserving in some way. But in reality perhaps SIL could do short visits because of the shorter distance, perhaps focussed on MIL and so not as familiar with FIL’s needs.

Wishing you strength for this stage.

Thanks @FiniteSagacity MIL died last week and we discovered that she had been withholding FIL's pension from him and leaving him in dirty clothes, among other things. SiL is perpetuating this as far as we can see

@gingerlybread oh jesus.

Slightly perturbed here that I've had no lengthy, semi-comprehensible speech-to-text messages from my elderly yet today.

My hearing is ballsed up (the GPs are letting me have an appointment today, Xmas miracle!) so I had to get OH to do most of yesterday's call. Her ward bay is closed to visitors due to flu but we're not well enough to go down yet anyway.
We have issued our 2nd Xmas card today!

Heard Mariah Carey on the radio today and nearly cried. Five years ago I'd just lost my Mum. I remember getting her a little Xmas tree for her hospital bed table because I didn't think she'd make it to December (she didn't). Normally I'm pretty stoic, but :/

Screw the season, let's all go out for a virtual curry!

@MysterOfwomanY chocolate and Baileys for breakfast I think. I dreaded those messages from my mum, especially the midnight ones.
Gone now for 2 years they are something I don't miss.

We have Xmas dinner today which means we can spend tomorrow with DS opening presents and playing with toys. DMiL can with one of our grown up nephews and my mum is here. My MiL is deaf as a post and either that makes her appear rude or she is both rude and deaf! She was here for 4 hours and it was like a sitcom. Not very peaceful and now DH & I are at odds. I think next year we will go out or disappear somewhere!

Didn't expect to spend Christmas day emptying mum's freezer. Found the door wedged open and half the contents defrosted and the other half has clearly been defrosted and frozen again in 1 solid lump. The door was wedged open because mum couldn't separate a bottle of milk from the solid lump. The whole lot stinks and cardboard boxes have disintegrated.

Capacity my arse!

Hope everyone manages to get at least a moment to themselves today. We've taken MIL to visit FIL in the care home this morning and she has complained that our Christmas is too noisy and she doesn't understand every single conversation. With three DCs and two with partners what did she expect.
She refused Christmas dinner with FIL and doesn't want to go back to her flat so she will have to lump it.

On the plus side me and DH escaped to the pub for half an hour and caught up with friends and neighbours.

Heading home now for a shower. I'm worried I won't get the smell off my hands for days. Clothes are going straight in the washing machine.
Before we ate we had to wash all the crockery and cutlery as it looked like it had just been given a wipe (at best) and not washed before putting away - dried egg on plates, bits of cereal stuck to bowls etc.
Social worker and GP visited last week and both assessed her as managing fine! Perhaps they are slatterns themselves.

My mum had a lot of bad stomachs when she lived alone @countrygirl99. She would make a huge pot of mince, eat some of it, keep the rest in the frying pan, heat it up the next day, then the next...🤢When the carers started coming in and checking the contents of the fridge for food safety, she complained they were 'bossy'. They were just doing their job. I'd mention to the SW that she's at serious risk of food poisoning. Even a ten minute visit a day to check she has a fresh meal heated for dinner that isn't heaving with bacteria. What a horrible Christmas day you've had.

@countrygirl what a horrific Christmas gift. Hope your shower is hot and cleansing.

I tell my students off if they use the words 'managing' or 'safe' in their notes. Vague subjective bollocks to make themselves feel better imo.