🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Oh God. If you'd told me I'd have to make plans for this C at the time of last C, I'd have done something desperate.

Dm's 90th birthday is coming up. That's quite bad enough. I will think about trying to catch up with the 5 or 6 high priority and completely separate households that need something from me at C after that.

@Choconuttolata everything is on tbe table at the moment except a full-blown trad Christmas dinner. We will just try to make something easy and tasty as we have to fot it between morning and evening stable requirements as well. At least we have a excuse for an early exit. Mum always has her house stiflingly hot so there is no way we can cope with more than about 4 hours max. We will be desperately gasping the fresh air as we leave.
Buy we've already decided on the plan for Christmas 2025! Around May/June we are going to announce we are visiting DS2 in Finland and someone else will need to step up.

We have a longstanding arrangement where we pick DM up at 12, she has lunch with us and then around 5pm we take her to my brothers (he’s 2 streets away) for the rest of the day. We’ve done this for 24 years. However like others our DC have their own homes and partners now. So far they’ve both come to stay with us over Christmas but every year I expect different. We might want to go to them.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Saturday caused by the stress of DM and other things going on in my life.
I’d gone to her house and noticed the loo was a bit smelly so gave it a good clean. Then I got a row because she doesn’t need anyone to clean her loo thank you. So I said, Ok, I’ll leave you to it. As I left she shouted ‘I’m eighty-bloody-seven don’t you know’. And I’m 61 and not likely to see 62 at this rate.

Ive had a few other stressful things going on this week and I’m ashamed to say I took it out on DH. I’ve got a call in to the GP as my anxiety levels are through the roof.

I’ ve cancelled todays social services meeting as I’m just in no fit state for it.

@BestIsWest awful for you. Please take care. There are increasingly far too many women of our age being utterly broken by these parents. Sadly I think we have similar experiences growing up so we tend to try and solve problems hoping they maybe kinder. It just isn’t possible. I took a stance two Christmases ago and made it clear we would be going to our adult childrens for the day. I did a ‘Christmas ‘do’ for parents and family before but went and enjoyed my lovely little family. I then dawned on me that my mother has cooked Christmas dine once maybe twice at a push. For our childhood until the mid 1990s our grandmother did a massive Christmas Day. Then really my siblings and I took over this in rotation so our mother has never really taken on the Christmas Day thing. Make Christmas how you want. In reality whatever we do is never ever right.

To be fair, DM always made a huge thing of Christmas Day. She’d cook lunch and then in the afternoon she’d make a huge tea and all my cousins, aunts and uncles would visit. I loved it. It was great fun so much so that I was 37 before I spent Christmas Day in my own home cooking lunch.
The trouble is that traditions can become very entrenched and it’s difficult to break free of them.
I think guilt plays a huge part in all my problems.

Sorry to read of the current woes, C included.

Ours is fairly simple: I cook the roast. DF used to provide the wine but it'll now be up to us. We used to eat in our house but this year will go next door to his as it's easier for him. DH and DD1 go swimming in the sea at 10 then DD1 spends ages in the shower so we rarely open any gifts until after 11. DD2 helps me or watches TikTok nonsense.

Both DDs are living away although DD1 thinks she is coming home once her PhD has been submitted. DD2 moved out on Saturday and has started her job today. Both say they are coming home for Christmas.

Batshit sister wants to come for Christmas but DF doesn't want her here. Long may that continue.

No idea what we will do this year. DM in care home, her house is empty (need to sell at some point, haven't even dented the work to be done there) but sibling and I live hours away. Our respective DH/DP going to their own families for Christmas, usually sibling and I go to DM. She'll be crazy unhappy about anything other than the xmas she's had for the last 50 years. Local restaurants all booked up or £125 per head (!!!). Ugh

@EmotionalBlackmail I also loved COVID Christmas when we had Christmas by ourselves as a family for the only time ever. Albeit interrupted taking a plate of Christmas dinner down the road to my Mum's. This year we'll probably have Mum round here again. As usual.

I have had a stressful day going round the houses trying to coordinate medical appointments for Mum's Leukemia. She needs a CT scan, then a blood test and an appointment with consultant. Blood test and appointment are booked but not CT scan which might not be before the other two so they'll need rearranging. I need notice of appointments so I can sort out my work around it. No one seems to care about that! My work is great but I can't organise anything as I don't know when I will be at work! Add to that the receptionist is convinced the consultant wants a telephone appointment, even though the consultant said to me about travelling to the appointment. And the appointment is to discuss treatment (or no treatment and palliative care...) and my Mum has Alzheimer's and is slightly deaf so telephone appointments don't really work for her, let alone very important ones like this!

It feels better having had my rant on here!

DH and DD1 go swimming in the sea at 10 Please tell me you’re not in the UK!

I have had a stressful day going round the houses trying to coordinate medical appointments for Mum's Leukemia. She needs a CT scan, then a blood test and an appointment with consultant. Blood test and appointment are booked but not CT scan which might not be before the other two so they'll need rearranging. I sympathise! DH has the same for cancer treatment. Then add to that the 4 other medical departments that are interested in him, and he needs a PA just to manage his medical diary.

Funnily we were talking about the C word last week. MIL used to host but for the last few years I’ve done it and taken the whole lot round to theirs so she can play hostess. It’s oppressive and takes the shine off my day. Talked it through with DH and realised this is because it must be served at 2pm (FIL’s diktat), and it must be turkey (yuck). So this year it will be beef at 6pm. Instantly I felt better. We normally go to pizza express on Christmas Eve (from when that was the ultimate for DC) and the wine starts when we get home 😅 hopefully my mum will stay away but I’m not counting on that.

Large g&t @FiveFoxes ?

Wrong! We're in East Devon. No wetsuits allowed but it's a run in, run out job with the RNLI boat just offshore and people collecting for them.

@Malbecfan I'm shivering just thinking about it! Thank goodness my electric blanket is waiting for me upstairs.

Re C word. DH in his 80s is still determined to cook the Christmas dinner. Both DC and DIL will come home for it. I've never done a Christmas dinner that I can remember.

Lol @MereDintofPandiculation . DD1 normally hates being cold but she dons her cozzie and in she goes. Someone on the beach inevitably has a hip flask so the Christmas spirit is definitely shared.

Your DH is a star. Since I got married 27 years ago (my DM died very shortly afterwards), DF cooked once, we have been abroad 3 or 4 times and I have cooked the other 22 or 23 festive meals. To be fair, both DDs are quite helpful but DD1 is now vegan so won't have anything to do with the turkey. Looks like it's me for the foreseeable...!

@Malbecfan We have a vegan now. Last few years he was veggie but he’s now full vegan. Luckily, Christmas dinner isn’t too bad for a vegan - he’ll bring a main dish for himself, and we’ll make sure all the accompaniments are vegan, soy milk for the bread sauce, vegan gravy etc. I’ve just told DH he needs to start practising vegan Yorkshire puds.

We have a vegan too. Luckily my favourite Christmas dish happens to be vegan (I'm only vegetarian, shame be upon me), and the vegan isn't fussed about Christmassy sides as long as there are plenty of vegetables.
FIL is increasingly losing sight of what constitutes an immediate, drop-everything-and-fly-to-his-side need. We had plans for the afternoon of DH's day off. FIL called. Can you pop round (a fifty minute round trip in the wrong direction) to do x and y? No, FIL, because we have appointments and other things scheduled in for this morning. X is set up to be done by a third party, and y can wait until tonight.
Yes, but...
It's trivial, but it puts DH on edge for the rest of the day, and I have to listen again to how SIL should be doing this and that instead of wasting her time with the other. No doubt she has similar thoughts about him. They're both very conscientious, and knackered. FIL feels aggrieved with DH's lack of patience, and I have to put on a jolly old face to show all this doesn't matter. I've never had the kind of face that can easily pull this off, and I certainly don't as a stressed menopausal woman.

Can I join? Issue is In Laws, my parents are ok at the moment. FIL in assisted living with diagnosed dementia and MIL under DOLS in a care home diagnosed with vascular dementia. DH ill with prostate cancer.

DH is taking on more and more with his dad. Daily phone calls either from assisted living or the care home. He's now retired at 54 due to ill health - he was a teacher and cannot stand for long periods of time and has to have regular naps. His aunt, FIL's brothers wife, said oh that's good you can look after your dad. I now no longer want to have to anything to do with this woman. He is fighting for his life and you want him to care for his dad. Not a fecking chance. I have a lot of anger with his family as you can tell.

Anyway Christmas - DH says shall we go to assisted living and have lunch there? No. We always have lunch as a family unit - me, DH and DS1 and DS2. I am not spending it with old people. Sounds harsh but our time with DH is precious. We will go and see MIL in the care home on Boxing Day. Rant over.

Last Christmas was ruined because we had to move them out of 4 bed house in the middle of nowhere whilst DH was having radiotherapy. Clear out all the hoarded rubbish. The stress was ridiculous.

@I8toys welcome. Feel free to vent - you will get lots of support here. What a difficult situation for you all.

So sorry about your DH, @I8toys . It's amazing how people will grab at somebody else not working and assign them roles they're not fit for, as if they decided to stop earning actual money on a whim and should consider themselves duty-bound to work unpaid instead.
It does make you angry that it's taken for granted you'll fall in with these unworkable plans.

Thanks both. I'm also dealing with empty nest syndrome. Both boys now at uni so the house feels weird. I need to try and find some positives and not focus on anger and negativity.

Welcome @I8toys and sorry to read about your DH. Everyone here is so kind and supportive. I can empathise about the empty nest as DD2 has just started her 1st graduate job almost 200 miles away. She was a brilliant help with my DF and able to deflect some of my sister's batshittery.

We had a video call on Monday so DF could see DD2 and her new flat. He misses her, but if we do the call on my phone, he is happy. He actually asked after DD1 last night. She is currently writing up her PhD thesis and repeating experiments. I hope that she might come back here for a bit, but it will probably be a few days over Christmas. Oh well...

Hello @I8toys what a lot you have to contend with. Your poor DH must be exhausted, I hope he’s comfortable and fingers crossed he will be well again soon.

Thank you all for talking about the C word. I veer from trying not to think about it, to dreading it. But feel compelled to plan for it. What do nursing homes do on the day? I’m torturing myself with possibilities but feeling like this year I might make an effort while DF still recognises us. Maybe go to the nursing home before lunch? I’m veggie so don’t want to sign up for a lunch and waste it.

DH cooks a great dinner and has made easy by saying he’d only consider even trying to accommodate DF for a couple of hours if DF calls or (during any of my visits) asks after DC (which will never happen). We have hosted DF many times over the years but it has always been a great effort and a relief when he leaves.

@I8toys welcome and good on you for protecting your family C-day with your DH. I’m in the thick of clearing DF’s house now and wishing it will all be done by Christmas.

What do nursing homes do on the day?

My Dad's place did a traditional lunch, a small present for everyone (he got toiletries and a puzzle book), visiting carol singers (can't remember if that was on the day or just before), and bit of a party in the lounge with a singsong and games.