🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Yes, that’s about it. Staff in Christmas jumpers, antlers etc, decorations in public places, activity manager dressed as Father Christmas dashing out presents

MILs care home did morning mince pies with carol singing, Christmas dinner and obviously the speech on the tv after dinner. They decorated the public spaces but not the bedrooms. We bought MIL a mini decorated tree from Sainsbury's for her room. Staff all wore antlers/Christmas earrings/tinsel round their heads.

Thanks for sharing, helps me to know what DF’s day might look like if we try to work around the nursing home plans.

Sibling is torturing herself about the duty to have DF at hers or going to a restaurant near the home to include him (he is nicer to her but still ungrateful). I am trying to be the bad cop of our new reality.

We cannot manage DF’s wants or needs. With hindsight we couldn’t over a year ago - DF has had falls in all of our homes, vomiting and incontinence on occasion, I imagine there will be a row about portion sizes on top of all the ‘stuff I’m unhappy about every day’ and a buffet would be unthinkable.

Maybe a Christmas Eve visit and/or Boxing Day visit and we all say we’re seeing the in-laws!

The first home MIL was in after her stroke, before FIL decided he could cope himself and took her home, had a space off the dayroom where you could have family get togethers. We had a tea party between Christmas and New Year. FIL brought the food which was a bit of a disaster & the home did a puréed mush for MIL but the space was nice.

All I can say is that the Christmas Day I took DM home from her NH to mine for the day was the most exhausting day I have ever done - bar none. She was still mobile then so it was just doable, but I was thinking about it for weeks beforehand, had to complete a risk assessment with the NH and was on high alert the whole day, plus the driving of course. DH had died three years earlier so it was just me directing operations.

One silver lining was finding that stripping Christmas dinner back to the absolute minimum cooking effort I could imagine (duck, potatoes, peas, gravy: bought Christmas pudding, bought roulade) went down very well with everyone.

Tbh since then I've done a morning visit on one of the key days with a glass of Schloer or similar and that's it.

Fallen out with DB over doors now.
A really long and boring rant will follow, sorry.

A few months ago DMs bedroom door fell off the hinges because the frame gave way and she got trapped between it and the wall. It’s a ridiculously heavy hardwood and glass door and she has three of them. It took DH and I to carry it outside, it was so heavy.
DB said he would arrange for all three doors to be replaced. Months later no movement. She has no door on her bedroom.

Then he says he doesn’t know which ones to get. Cue me and DH spending a weekend traipsing round B&Q, Wickes, Howdens etc to find 3 doors that matched (three different door frame sizes - why?) and fitted DMs requirements - opaque glass, not too many panels etc. Eventually narrowed it down and gave him a selection to choose from. This was a month ago.

He phoned last night - why do we want to spend £800 on replacing doors (answer WE don’t it’s DMs money and the doors are dangerous). Couldn’t we get cheaper doors (no not if you want them to match, because of the different sizes).
Why can’t we put the original door back on (it’s too heavy for the frame which is rotting because of rising damp and needs to be partially replaced).

In the end I had enough and told him to do what he wanted. I’m not wasting any more time on it.
Got a text 10 mins later saying the carpenter is putting the original door (which has been outside in the rain for four months) back on.
Well, good luck with that and good luck with any of DMs future house maintenance projects because I’m not going to do them and DH who has organised new windows, damp proofing, new boiler, new taps, new cooker and more for her certainly isn’t going to.

Sorry again for rant, I know it’s small in the scheme of things but ugh.

@BestIsWest ‘minor repair jobs’ like this are so demoralising though because so much of your time has been wasted researching and sourcing an optimal solution. Then others ride roughshod over your efforts with a botch job, probably due to fear of change. Solidarity.

@PermanentTemporary thank you for sharing. I didn’t even think about risk assessment because of the DoLS, will mention to sibling (who has no reason to feel duty or guilt at all!). Recent outside NH medical appointments have given a false confidence - these were only possible with 2 people, going to places with adaptations and time limited.

DD is vegetarian, her boyfriend is vegan and DH's mum and sister are gluten intolerant so any meal is tricky when we're all together.

My dad's care home will do a full Christmas lunch and family are invited to join them so my mum will do that if we go on holiday.

@I8toys sorry to hear you're having a tough time but you're right to set boundaries now.

Hi all

Sorry I haven't been here for ages - I was EmmaEmerald

I wonder if anyone has experience of Covid in the elderly?

Situation - mum got a cold on Tuesday
I got it on Thursday and was a bit suspicious so ordered some tests (felt odd - never had it before)

Have tested positive for Covid just now

Mum blacked out this morning when her carer was there

Carer called ambulance and they didn't say anything about Covid even though mum has a cold. They wanted mum to go to A&E for the usual raft of tests and mum said no

Are we supposed to ignore Covid now? I thought elderly folk could get anti virals?

I have informed the care agency and they were grateful to be told as it's being ignored by most apparently

In the meantime, if they struggle for staff, do I risk making mum more ill if I look after her? I am rather assuming she has it? We'll get tests to her tomorrow.

@EmeraldRoulette hi Emerald, I’m not sure about Covid procedures but if it were me I would get her tested asap, and if positive maybe ring her GP and ask about possibility of anti virals? Also worth you both masking up (I know you both have it but don’t want to re-infect when one of you starts to recover). And generally keeping a close eye I suppose. No idea what the variants are like these days but it affects everyone differently and it might be a risk that she goes down hill fast. You can get blood oxygen monitors now if you wanted to keep an eye on that sort of thing?

Re the C word - we will be doing what we have always done so far, which is have my parents to ours for the day. They live an hour away but are still mobile and can travel so I will do the driving both ways, same as last year, while DH cooks. It’s a tiring and frustrating day for everyone (a total of 4 hrs in the car for me, an hour there, an hour to bring them here, same in reverse in the evening); however they do genuinely enjoy the food and a glass of wine (DF 96 and DM 88 both cleared their plates last year). Conversation is another matter as DM is deaf and given to odd tangents, random insults and passive aggression whereas DF will be telling DS again all about his time in the Army (great the first time, not so much the 30th time). In fact last year DM managed to ignore DS 17 completely and didn’t actually have a direct conversation with him at all during the entire day, something I didn’t realise in all the to-ing and fro-ing until I returned in the evening and he told me. I was flabbergasted. She is odd. I think she has lost all sense of how to relate to him but of course he was made to feel terrible.
I don’t know why I do it really but I keep thinking this might be their last one. As you do.

@MotherOfCatBoy thanks
as neither the paramedics nor GP even asked about the possibility, I wondered if they are still doing that?

the paramedics would have seen she is full of cold

i think she is now shocked that I've got it - so not really accepting that she might have it. Poor mum is so cross that she's not dead yet, I don't know if she'll want anti virals. but I'm in the position that I have to be responsible but given that it wasn't even mentioned as a possibility by anyone, I'm baffled.

perhaps she'll test negative, who knows. If I get a blood oxi thing to her, she won't use it. She was to be feeling better than I am....till she blacked out. But that might be linked to her heart problems.

she sounds confused on the phone but the carers tell me she isn't appearing at all confused to them. So I'm really confused 😂

sorry about the Xmas stress. 💐

*seemed to be

@EmeraldRoulette it regularly amazes me - especially because we can get annual flu vaccines - that Covid is now treated as ‘just seasonal’ and that we’re expected to carry on with minimal measures to prevent spread. There have definitely been really horrible viruses around this year and DC have already had to have days off in the new school year.

Sometimes we think Covid accelerated decline for DF, he was fully vaccinated with boosters but still caught it in 2022. At the time DF was just very tired and weak, not sure if he blacked out at home, but he could not manage and was taken in and nursed back to health by family which took 3 weeks. DF is in a nursing home now and they require a temperature check at the door before you go in, all year round.

@FiniteSagacity sorry your DF had such a hard time

got a test round to mum, is positive

did he get offered any anti virals? I am just rather puzzled as it seems they are available - but it's only because I got a test that mum has found out she has it at all. For neither GP nor paramedic to ask seems bizarre. I don't pay much attention to covid so I might be totally out of date. Maybe no one gets given anything anymore but I thought at 86, medics might be concerned.

I think it if they're over 85 and/or with certain medical conditions? So should have been eligible.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/covid-19/treatments-for-covid-19/

@EmotionalBlackmail yes, that's why I was puzzled no one mentioned it at her age. To be fair, she's forgotten all about Covid as well.

Just had another chat with mum

I feel as if I've brought a lot of disruption to her by testing myself, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Would others on here have tested?

Anyway, she will have a chat with 111 tomorrow as they make the decision apparently. It might not work with all her other medications.

The GP doesn't make the decision but I still find it odd that neither GP nor paramedic asked her to test.

She is adamant she can manage alone so I guess that's that. She made egg on toast for dinner so that's more than I've done I guess!

My parents recently had covid - Mum mid 70s with a lung condition that qualified her for the shielding food parcels in lockdown, Stepdad late 70s with heart failure. Neither qualified for antivirals.

@NoBinturongsHereMate ah, probably they're not keen to give them now. I mean the powers that be. Maybe it wasn't really the right treatment, given what an astonishing mess it's been.

how long did they take to recover please?

beginning to wonder if I opened a can of worms, hearing of people testing positive for weeks even though they feel better.

Both of them were over the worst of it in 5 days but tested positive for about 10. Mum still has a bit of a cough a month on.

@NoBinturongsHereMate thanks
hope your mum manages to get rid of the cough completely.

@EmeraldRoulette yes I would have tested, definitely. In fact I had a nasty cold two weeks ago and tested- negative - it I do wonder! I’m of the mind that I’d rather know what I’m dealing with and how it’s likely to present/ how long to go away etc, and want to protect others (I didn’t see my parents for 10 days). I think you’ve done the right thing.

@EmeraldRoulette no anti virals for DF although he wasn’t even 75.

I was put ‘on a list’ early last year during health investigations, which meant I received tests in the post, was told to test if I had symptoms and request anti-virals if I tested positive. In practice, I had a positive test in the Autumn (back to school time!) and started the process they gave me but as I actually had Covid and was quite ill, I didn’t have the fight in me to pursue the anti-virals.

You’ve done all the right things but it always seems like a battle and policy is not clear even though you still see Covid signs up in hospitals and clinics.

This in theory is the list of people eligible. Dates from Feb 2022

@FiniteSagacity @MereDintofPandiculation thank you

mum's now had three calls about it, with no conclusion. I think it's to look as if they are doing something (which could be for all kinds of reasons) but I doubt anything will happen. Fingers crossed she recovers normally.

thanks all.