My dad has come to my house to die..

[KitsyWitsy]

Gave me his will and deeds to his house earlier. Came on Tuesday after ringing me asking to come get him. He is frail and deteriorating but I don’t know that he is actually dying. I do know that he can’t really go home anymore. He needs to be with me and he is currently staying in my bedroom which is on the ground floor next to the downstairs toilet which is perfect. I am on the sofa bed and don’t mind at all.

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice for me? I don’t know what to do really other than take care of him. He doesn’t want to see a doctor or anything and doesn’t have any particular symptoms of anything. He’s just wobbly and frail.

I have three disabled children so my hands were already full. Just a bit stressed out really. He just had a little fall earlier and it’s not going to be the last one the way he’s going.

He’s 86.

He needs to register with a Gp near yours and then he could be deemed housebound and be seen by district nurses. You can contact social work for some care support for him as you don’t need to help toilet or clean him… you need to have a chat with him about what he wants next and what is wrong with him- he can get a frailty assessment via the GP. Get power of attorney too.

You need to persuade him to see a GP. People can be old wobbly and frail for years.

If he won’t see a doctor can you contact adult social services? He should have an assessment and they can recommend equipment you might need. Also look into attendance allowance if that’s appropriate. Are you nearby to his normal GP? If he falls again you may have no choice but to get medical help.
Be kind to yourself op. You’re doing a kind thing but don’t lose sight of your own health and kids if medically he needs to be looked after elsewhere.

Awww op🥰 assuming he’s not been a terrible Dad, I would (as hard as it is) let him be there & take each day as it comes. He’s in the best place.

I would suggest he sees a Dr to assess what the actual problem is. He may be able to get meds to help.

Does he live locally? If not definitely get him registered with your GP because otherwise getting help with district nurses and end of life meds etc if you need them will be tricky. Do you have power of attorney sorted for health and finance?
I’m also confused by you saying he is end of life- does he have a terminal diagnosis or is he just old and frail? If it’s the latter that could go on for years, you can’t be on the sofa forever. What was it that made him want to come to yours, was he anxious? Could he return home with carers? Does he just need more input from outside services?

You can also contact your local Hospice and talk to them. They will have a Hospice at Home service which can support both of you and give you advice.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's horrible watching your parent go.

I don't have advice but wanted to send ❤️

Put in a claim for attendance allowance
Get him to see a doctor
Make sure his house is secure.
Do you have a lasting power of attorney in place? Can be done online but takes a few weeks

I am so sorry this is happening. He really does need to see a GP, he will need to get everything in place just in case he is palliative/ end of life. He will need a respect form completing etc to ensure his wishes are documented, otherwise it would be deemed unexpected and could end up going to coroner's court which will not be a pleasant experience for the family left behind. Once all that is in place it will be easier for DN's, therapists and GP to put things in place to support him and yourself. I work in a district nurse team, unfortunately there is nothing the DN team can do until he has spoken to the GP and the respect form and just in case medications are in place.

You do need to engage with GP - even if he's managing to get up and down to the toilet etc now, that might not always be the case and you will at some point need help from eg District nurses team. Social work is not a bad shout either as again they can offer support with certain things.

Potentially you can claim carers allowance (if you don't already for DCs) which you could use to make other bits of your life easier, for eg meal delivery or taxis to get kids places.

Is there anyone else that can support you? It's a lot, even if you're happy to do it, it's still a lot.

I would definitely recommend LPA online if he still has capacity. You sound like a wonderful daughter who loves her dad very much . X

He lives an hour and a half away from me. A year ago he was very ill and I brought him over here and took him to my local hospital. He has a bile duct problem and they said it would probably kill him. However, he didn’t end up needing surgery and he is still going a year later. He isn’t yellow this time so I don’t know that its a flare up of that issue.

I will register him at my GP tomorrow then and I will call a hospice for advice. He is the best dad anyone could ever have and I will do my best to care for him on his way out. I am just thinking that practically, it could go on for ages and I am a bit worried about that to be quite honest.

Sorry forgot to add,you will be able to get therapists involved especially as he has had a fall, he can be referred to the falls team too. You will need to contact adult social care for a care needs assessment. Who will be able to advise what support can be provided.

This. Please do LPA asap. Wonderful that he could call you to come and get him. I hope you can get any help you need.

I'm so sorry OP, this is a difficult time for you. Please don't try to do this all on your own. Get him registered with your GP and ask them to do a full medical so you know where you are. Adult Social Services can do an assessment too which might mean you getting some help with adaptations to the home, handrails etc. If he is going to need end of life care, the district nurses will be involved and they are invaluable I promise. There is help out there so please make sure you access it. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Thanks for all the advice. It really helps.

Luckily I have a fairly large house so my sofa bed is in my study and so I still have my privacy etc. I don’t mind giving up my bedroom. He’d never cope with this sofa bed.

He wouldn’t be able to manage at home because his stairs are horrifically steep.

I do have support. My youngest son is a Godsend and is helping quite a bit. Mostly my dad just sits and watches the news or sleeps so he’s not really any bother.

If he has come stating he wants to stay with you because he’s dying, but he has no GP saying he’s on end of life care, then you may have a very long road ahead. Fine, if you feel you can take that on, especially with all your other caring roles, but fgs get as much help as possible. You cannot care for your kids if you are being wiped out with also caring for your dad full time . Does not bloody matter that he’s given you his house deeds and all his worldly goods- thst sounds like a bit of emotional coercion to me- even if he’s not consciously done it.

For that matter you need to be very careful spending his money - it could be seen as deprivation of asset by local council if he needs care in future because his needs cannot becket at home. Look up on age Uk about how the council funds care and rules around deprivation of assets.

my dad is on end of life care plan due to Lewy body dementia. He’s been on that since feb. He eats barely anything, is bedridden, doubly incontinent and can barely speak… he had a cardiac event about 3 months ago that he survived against all odds of anything nursing home had seen, and still is hanging on to life. He’s 88. End of life is not at all predictable, it can go back and forth, and the less mobile and active someone is the less they eat and get more frail- but doesn’t mean they’re near death. Could you cope with this for years?

my other lesson is that dad was fine and taking care of himself until 86. He went downhill so fast and was diagnosed at 87 with LBD. His behaviour deteriorated so rapidly in that time, that staying at home even with someone as carer was not possible. He was on a DoL and eventually sectioned under 117. So, you really can’t tell if someone will suddenly need to go into care for nursing or care. Hence why be very careful about spending his savings or selling his house.

Be really sure you can do this as opposed to him selling his home and moving into some sort of supported unit, or a care home. And if you do decide you can do it, get advice re your dad’s money and house and any support like benefits, respite, day centres to you could use to take pressure off you .

id definately be trying to persuade him to go to GP. Depression in older people is increasingly being recognised as cause for the “im dying/want to die “ thoughts. That comes with social isolation and reduced mobility and is also related to fear of being increasingly helpless and not in control.

And make bloody sure he also gets a lasting power of attorney done now whilst he’s mentally competent whatever you all decide to do.

You could see if he wants to fill in the compassion in dying form so his wishes re medical treatment are recorded (it’s more comprehensive than just a DNR form https://cdn.compassionindying.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/advance-decision-pack-v2.3.pdf
I just went through this with my mum although she stayed in her home (flat with carers on site - a kind of sheltered housing). She didn’t want any more treatment and died peacefully at home. The GP saw her a while before hand and she was clear about her wishes which was really helpful as it is hard as a child of someone to decline treatment if they are at some stage no longer able to speak for themselves.

With attendance allowance, if you phone and ask for the form then it is backdated to the time of your call. If you get it online it can take a bit of time to get all the info to fill it in and it’s not backdated to the time you downloaded it.
agree with pps that is good to be registered with GP as they can link to district nurses and perhaps just in case meds, treatment for pressure sores , incontinence supplies . Also adult social care for equipment . The support doesn’t have to be about prolonging life but it can make the time he has as comfortable as possible , and also it sounds like there might be a limit to what you can provide given your own children.

Hope he engages with your GP. He needs to be on their books so he is funded for end of life care at your home if that is his wish. Otherwise he'll likely be taken to and die in hospital, which would be hugely more distressing for all.

Look after yourself. You can't sleep
On the sofa long term, especially of you are already a carer for your other kids. If he's not actually, end of like and just a bit frail. Then you need a long term plan.

All of this. We had domiciliary carers up to 4 times a day when my gran was on EOL care and they were brilliant. We also had a hospital bed and full hospice style medical care in the last week.

Take care of yourself as well as him OP. The time will come when you will really be needed but nobody can predict when that will be so try and rest when you can. Make sure your diet is good, get some exercise if you can. The last thing you or your dad needs is for you to go down with something.

All the best OP. It is so so hard.

My husband's aunt wanted to do the same with us at 86. I have a life limiting condition (she just assumed i could care for her) and he works full time. I felt awful saying no. She went into a care home. At the time it was £4,000 a month (it's now £7,000 a month).

Despite being frail and having had a stroke she lived until her 90s. The fees took her home and all of her savings. At the time, as frail as she looked, I thought she would perhaps live 6 months, not years. You cannot spend anything in case he needs care and with no prognosis he may live for years. It sounds hard but you have to be realistic, you already have a lot on your plate. I also didn't think it would be fair on our children as some of the care would have fallen to them. DH seemed oblivious of how much work would be involved.

I don't understand. Why does he think he's dying? Who told him that? And what condition did he think he has?

The hospice can't help if you phone up and say your dad's dying, but you have no diagnosis and no reason to think so apart from 'he said so'.

Well, he has a collection of ailments as people of that age do…. Anyway, I did register him at my local GP today. So that’s done. I think he knows he isn’t going home again. I will do the LPA tomorrow as I didn’t want to overload him with stuff today.

He is just sitting watching TV although he doesn’t notice when it turns itself off. He has only had a few cornflakes and half a sandwich today. He has declined a meal tonight. I think he’s been giving his teas to the dog anyway. He doesn’t eat what we eat so it’s been a bit difficult really. We like a variety of things but he wont eat anything other than traditional English food.