My dad has come to my house to die..

[KitsyWitsy]

Gave me his will and deeds to his house earlier. Came on Tuesday after ringing me asking to come get him. He is frail and deteriorating but I don’t know that he is actually dying. I do know that he can’t really go home anymore. He needs to be with me and he is currently staying in my bedroom which is on the ground floor next to the downstairs toilet which is perfect. I am on the sofa bed and don’t mind at all.

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice for me? I don’t know what to do really other than take care of him. He doesn’t want to see a doctor or anything and doesn’t have any particular symptoms of anything. He’s just wobbly and frail.

I have three disabled children so my hands were already full. Just a bit stressed out really. He just had a little fall earlier and it’s not going to be the last one the way he’s going.

Hope you feel better soon. Covid can knock you sideways. You are doing well good thing.

@KitsyWitsy I hope you are feeling better soon.

Please do get the GP to actually see your DF, just for a quick review. They don't really need to do much but if he were to die and he hadn't been seen by a GP in the last month he is much more likely to need a post mortem. If he has been seen within 28 days and they have recorded he is frail then if he dies they will be able to confirm it is an expected death and likely his cause of death (even if they just confirm this as old age). The GP could also prescribe anticipatory medications to be kept at home if they felt he was near end of life and then if he needed these in last days district nurses could come and administer them.

I am much better thanks. My dad tested negative yesterday for covid and he is doing lots better generally. Still not eating much though.

I will definitely get him to the doctors this coming week. I've just been so ill and my sons have covid as well now.

my dad still no real bother.. just watches TV quietly.

This may sound horrible but in the absence of any terminal illness which the doctors have advised you of and conducted a needs assessment, including DN end of life care, you may be in for the long haul. Years not months or weeks.

You need to know the prognosis to be able to plan. This is putting the needs of your father first. Then you can advocate for him and decide what role you play.

Good luck.

I know. I’m aware of it. I also have experience in working in care. I will just get him to the doctors this week and see how things are going to go. I am ok just pottering on for the time being. If it looks like it’s long-term, I will have a spare bedroom upstairs from September so I can stay in there and I will employ help. I don’t mind him being here and I am ok with it being long-term. It really depends on how his condition goes. At the moment, it’s not difficult, if that fchanges then I will look at other options.

Just a little update to anyone who’s interested.

He’s still alive…

I took him to the doctors and they said worsening heart failure and want to do lots of tests on him including cameras down the throat and X-rays and stuff. To be honest, I thought he’d be put on palliative care but seems not. He has daily bowel accidents now and is in pain. He isn’t eating at all but is still drinking.

I am taking him for bloods today. I am worried about it, he can hardly walk, keeps having accidents. I am run ragged with it all and getting really stressed. I’m not having time to do my studies.

Wow, you’re amazing.

I'd contact social services and get yourself a carer's assessment. Refer him for a package of care from social services at the same time. You are housing him which is very good of you but you shouldn't have to do it all solo.

I would say if he can't live at home,which certainly sounds right, get him to agree to sell his house. That way it won't deteriorate, he wont have to pay the running costs and he will have the cash ready to pay for carers or even a nursing home if needed - if you have the cash ready he will be able to choose a nicer one. The downside of this is the stress and admin involved, but if you choose your estate agent wisely they really can take a lot of the stress away. The other negative is that his estate might have to pay more tax after his death, but your health right now is more important.

You must sort out the carers assessment asap. Things can turn very quickly and you will need support.

Oh, OP, sending love. My Dad died a couple of years ago; he pretty much stopped eating and slowly faded away. It sounds as though perhaps your Dad is doing the same.

Money isn’t an issue.

I am requesting a carer’s assessment.

He couldn’t go to the appointment this morning. We have the district nurse coming tomorrow

How slowly?

Thinking of you @KitsyWitsy

Your Dad doesn't have to have those tests if he doesn't want to. Sometimes there is a benefit in finding out what is wrong so you can treat it but sometimes people aren't going to be strong enough for treatment (such as surgical intervention) anyway or wouldn't want any aggressive treatment so doing invasive tests is pointless.

Maybe ask the doctors why they are doing the tests, what they think they might find and what the treatment would be. Then your Dad can decide if the tests are worth the hassle.

You can also ask directly about palliative care. I think doctors forget sometimes that palliative care includes last year of life, not just last days (you can look up / ask about gold standards framework if that's helpful). They might not feel they need to do anything like prescribe anticipatory medications at the moment but they can at least ensure it is flagged on his records and you have access to local palliative care support when you need it.

Please do think about getting some sort of care in too to support you. You can contact social care to help arrange this, although if your Dad has savings over 23.25k he would be considered self funding and it would likely be much quicker to just contact some care companies directly and arrange something.

Think I’d be letting him go at 86, cameras down etc isn’t nice at the best of times. The drs don’t let you just fade away now and if you need long term care you don’t have the quality of life.

Can you have an honest chat with your dad? He sounds like he’s made his peace with it all.

I don’t want to alarm you but it was quick. He’d been in hospital and when he was finally allowed home, he died within the month. But he really wasn’t eating anything beyond the occasional piece of toast or ice cream. (I kept buying treats for him to try to tempt him to eat — but looking back, I think he’d just decided it was his time and not eating was his way of making sure.) He had heart failure too and a paramedic came out to see him after a fall; he (the paramedic) said then he thought my dad only had a couple of weeks. In fact, he died a couple of days later.

I agree it sounds as though he’s made his peace. My Dad had too and asked to be put on a treatment pathway, where you can specify what treatment, if any, you want. He asked for pain relief but nothing to prolong his life. He already had a DNR in place.

DM had some bowel accidents and lost 15 kg over a year.
GP tried to order tests but she refused.
She fell and was taken to hospital. Scans found pancreatic cancer and she died 6 weeks later.
She didn’t eat more than 2-3 bites each meal and didn’t drink much, she spent most of her time sleeping.
What prompted admission to hospital in her final week was another fall and she told us God was coming for her.
Sending thoughts and hugs at this difficult time 💐

Ah OP you all sound lovely. Sending you huge hugs and warm thoughts. I bet you’ve absolutely made your dad’s last precious time here so loving and peaceful for him. You should be truly proud of your beautiful kind self.
💐❤️💐

Suggest you have a look at Age Uk, hate to say it but gen up on end of life care. I had to do it for my mum but it does give you an idea of what to expect.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/what-it-involves-and-when-it-starts/

NHS nurse wil come to house (they did it for my num) if taking him is a big problem.

what you wrote about him being such a good dad on the first page made me tear up. I am so glad your lovely dad has you to look after him, as many lonely older people do not; please take all the support you can get. xx

Hi, I hope youve had your assessment and some help from the DN team
For the accidents you could get pants from the chemist and hopefully youve asked for a commode for him to pop near his bed

Wishing you well

The support and advice on this thread have been invaluable. Thanks so much.

It’s such a hard time for both me and my dad.

The nurse has been and taken his bloods while I was out. Thank god for my ring doorbell! I will talk to him about interventions later.

I’ve employed a cleaner who starts tomorrow. And I am getting someone to do my garden. Unfortunately, I am sweating cobs right now preparing for the cleaner because there is seemingly stuff just everywhere.

He's unable to get out of bed today. :(. I have the doctor coming today. Apparently we are first on the list but I have no idea when it will be. He is in pain. He didn't want an ambulance or anything which I think is right to be honest. He's better off in my bed in my peaceful house as long as possible. We will see what the doctor says when they come. I am hoping he gets end of life care and morphine etc.