My dad has come to my house to die..

[KitsyWitsy]

Gave me his will and deeds to his house earlier. Came on Tuesday after ringing me asking to come get him. He is frail and deteriorating but I don’t know that he is actually dying. I do know that he can’t really go home anymore. He needs to be with me and he is currently staying in my bedroom which is on the ground floor next to the downstairs toilet which is perfect. I am on the sofa bed and don’t mind at all.

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice for me? I don’t know what to do really other than take care of him. He doesn’t want to see a doctor or anything and doesn’t have any particular symptoms of anything. He’s just wobbly and frail.

I have three disabled children so my hands were already full. Just a bit stressed out really. He just had a little fall earlier and it’s not going to be the last one the way he’s going.

If he doesn’t like anything bar ‘English’ food, could you get in some 1 person portion ready meals he likes? Like small fish pies or cottage pies. And those ready made fresh soups?

It sounds like his house will need to be secured- maybe ask his neighbours to keep an eye on it and give them your phone number? Empty the fridge, make sure it’s all locked up. Can the house be sold? I understand that might be a bit much and lots more stress but it might free up some cash to get care in/equipment if you need it.
He should be able to get attendance allowance although the form is a faff, I’ve just done it for my dad. Is there anything practical that can help prevent the falls, maybe a rail in your bathroom, does he need a raised toilet seat?

This sounds very odd. You sound remarkably accepting that your dad has effectively moved himself into your house with no discussion. You’ve got three disabled children so must already be at capacity. Did her bring his dog with him? Who is looking after his house?

Lots of elderly people live for years being frail and wobbly and existing on very little food and drink.

That's great you've got him registered at the GP. One thing at a time. I think next steps is to get your dad into the docs to get a fuller idea of what's going on.

For food, echo a PP, just get a bunch of ready meals that are 'things he likes'.

That can be enough for today lass.

I am struggling a bit. Came down with a horrendous cold. Haven’t been able to go out today. My dad didn;t want his ham sandwich at lunch but he did have cornflakes for breakfast. He is just watching TV.

I don’t mind him living here. That’s not the problem at all. I just want to do the right thing by him. But I am just taking it one thing at a time.

No, I’m not at capacity. My middle son lives in his flat, so it’s just 3 of us in a large 4 bed. My youngest goes to uni in September. It’s only my oldest that has a few needs and he has a good care plan and is at a daycentre ever day. If my dad is still here in september(!) I will take my youngest son’s room over. The other room is full of sewing stuff.

so today, I am just putting myself first unless anything particular comes up. He is drinking plenty and watching TV so I think he’s ok for now but absolutely I will take him to the doctors and get him checked over. It’s just that there’s no dominant symptom to complain about. Just being old and wobbly.

He doesn’t have a dog. The dog is mine.

I will get more ready meals for him. I wondered if those fancy children’s meals might be nice? The ones that are small but nice. He only eats a few bites. I will get some from M&S.

His house is ok. His neighbour has a key but I will be going over soon and clearing out the fridge and will give a copy of the key to my friend who lives in the same city. Just in case of anything. There’s nothing in there to steal but nevertheless.

When I was packing him some clothes he had loads of clothes and gifts that I’d bought him in the drawers still with the tags on. :(.

are you needing to help him dress? Or anything of that nature?

What makes him think he's dying? He sounds frail and struggling to cope in his own home, that doesn't mean he's dying. Would you be happy if he stayed with you for years?
Would things not be better if he got some additional help in his own home, carers, equipment in the bathroom, mobility aids etc?
Are you having to wash and dress him currently? Does he need you to help him get in and out the bed, on and off the toilet etc?

He could be like that for years. This could be the long haul.

My mum liked the Annabel Karmel toddler meals from Sainsbury’s, just the right size and some are more traditional flavours.

No, I’m not doing any personal care as yet but wouldn’t mind doing a bit. If it does go on long haul, then I will be getting help in whether he likes it or not.

I know it sounds like he just demanded to come here but I’ve always told him he is welcome to come when he is old and wobbly and now he is. He is and has always been very independent so he isn’t taking the piss at all. We have always taken care of each other since my mum died in the 90s. Him mostly taking care of me, obviously. Now it’s my turn to help him. I will draw a line though; don’t worry.

i think I have covid though. Last time he stayed I got covid. He always brings the bloody plague.

His house isnt’ very accessible. His staircase is like a cliff face. WE will just have to see how things go here.

When I feel better I will make him some cottage pie and freeze some small portions. Other than that, I will get the kids/toddler meals. He had my son cook him a pie for tea but I don’t know if he ate it. Probably the dog ate it. I am in bed feeling very poorly.

the dog is loving it.

Wishing you well OP. Just to mention, you might check his house insurance, there might be a clause about cover ceasing after a period of it not being occupied. It might be fine, but worth checking - if you have the time.

My mum likes the mini meals from M and S; they are just the right size for her and might suit him. They do stuff like chicken dinners, nice trad stuff! Hope you’re ok OP it’s hard; make sure you do get an assessment for some help as you can’t do it all

@KitsyWitsy It really doesn’t sound like he’s dying. Being old, wobbly and frail doesn’t mean someone is going to die any time soon. He hasn’t been diagnosed with anything. He could live for another 10 years or more.

He has basically come to live with you in his old age, not come to die. It would be better for you if you adjust your mindset accordingly.

It doesn’t sound like he demanding

when my dad didn’t seem well, I started staying with him, I though he needed the company and support. Sometimes dads and daughters have a special bond and I can understand him gravitating to your home.

id put in an application for Attendence allowence, it’s sounding like he needs more help than he did

id also ask district nurses about hospital bed, and any other equipment they can provide to make life easier and you get your bed in the other room, I bet it’s to low for him

youre a lovely daughter

Cook also do good freezer meals if you want a bit of variety, kids ones too. They’ll deliver.

Not withstanding having a loo next door, maybe have an empty beetroot jar on his side table so he can piss in it without having to make the trip at night.
Then have a commode at hand - the sort you sit on then put the lid over it so it looks like a chair - should be be feeling ill or frail any day.
At that age it's the fall that can do it - it does it for the best of them, even the likes of Barry Humphries or Nicholas Parsons, who are working at the time and even older. Just hitting the head would be like a car accident in effect.

Other than that, try protein shakes of the kind you get in the CoOp - Strawberry and so on, bananas build you up.
Some nice compilation tracks on an iPod type thing with a mini-speaker?

Other than that, maybe have a nice-day routine, a day every so often where you could go to the pub or a cafe, just to break things up. Oh! Any old photo albums ffs go through them with the smart phone on, make a jolly thing of it over a drink because if you don't know who the people are or the stories... Don't make it too obvious but otherwise you are left with a load of dead photo albums.

Finally, maybe a cheap turntable thing - there is one I can recommend acc to Which if you're interested, can't recall begins with 'V' around £100, might be nice.

You sound like such a lovely daughter.

RTFT OP said he has a life limiting bile duct disorder. Meaning it will end his life

@KitsyWitsy the dog is loving it. This did make me smile!

To be honest, he sounds lonely. Also, I think the elderly have a way of knowing when they're approaching their final days 🤍 Besides, he may well know something he's choosing not to share for his own reasons, though let's hope not, of course. Either way, just enjoy this time with him.

Before my Dad died, during his final two weeks (he was on palliative care at home following hospital discharge, though none of us thought it would be quite as soon as it was) we had to all take it in turns to essentially 'babysit' him as he couldn't be alone.
I was convinced he had far longer remaining than he did and fully expected the 'babysitting' to go on for several months.

So I kept myself busy (in between getting him what he needed) rather than spending quality time chatting to him and asking things I'd never got round to asking etc. I remember just the day before he died, I was sitting in another room on my laptop whilst all the poor bloke could do was sit watching tv on his own and I honestly could kick myself so bloody hard!!! Yes, of course I wasn't to know that he had less than 24 hours left, but I should've grabbed the opportunity whilst I could, regardless of how much time he had left and spent those few hours chatting to him and asking questions about all the many fascinating things he'd done in his life. Created a lovely memory.
But no, I was in denial. 14 years later and I'm still angry at myself for this.

Oh, that's easily done, @EnglishBluebell Close relatives also have a way of knowing and can switch to a glib, denial mode. The problem is, to actually know the end is nigh is also heartbreaking and in some ways those final conversations can be too much to bear. For my mother, I should have been more engaged though physically I was there for her til the very end, almost every day. But that went on for years actually, and at the time when she was less engaged, I should have found a way of stepping up to close the gap. Picking tracks out on an iPod for her to listen to, for instance - that said, my sister did do that.

Getting a photo collage thing on a revolving iPad type thing is also something you can't easily do 'towards the end' for the very reason that it is too appropriate, too on the nose I found, sort of presenting them with their life flashing before their eyes..

If his house is going to be empty for any length of time, check the insurance. You may need to notify the insurance company and demonstrate arrangements.

Speak to your local social services for an assessment for your dad and a carers assessment for yourself. At the very least that makes sure they're aware that you're now his carer.

my mum similar age loves cottage pie op, she makes it and freezes into portions, so hope you are well enough soon to make this for your ddad @KitsyWitsy