Dad 89 won't listen, health failing, lies to people

[paulfoel]

He tells me he can't cope. Says the same to my brother (we don't speak long story).

I got social services to visit and he told them the opposite. Hes fine.

Yesterday, got a call from the Lifeline people he'd fallen over. I drove over my brother was there also (first time I'd spoken in 2 years). Turns out Dad has fallen 4-5 times recently and called my brother. Didn't tell me.

I'm furious, hes lying to everyone. No idea what hes playing up.

I've told him 100 times I cannot pick him up off the floor anyway. (I've got back problems, got blue badge for it).

Every time its always "my sons will do it". Hes refused carers in the past. He just will not get it out of his head that we can't do everything for him.

To be honest, hes better off in a nice residential home. BUT hes stubborn about that.

Hes got almost £50K in the bank but obsessive about not spending any of it.

From what I understand, I can't force anything, even if his stupid decisions are causing problems for himself. Whether hes mentally capable is borderline at the moment I'd say.

Any suggestions/recommendations?

Hi 'p'

You've been given lots of great advice and support here - very similar to that you've received on other forums over the past few years (sorry, but your writing style and identifying characteristics jumped out immediately at me from another extremely helpful website, which you no longer post on).

Unfortunately from what I'm reading here the situation seems to be unchanged - and will most likely remain so. Your health and that of your family of choice are suffering. I do hope this situation resolves itself sooner rather than later because I'm not sure you'll ever be free of your father while he's living. He will never change and he's had a good innings. Now it's your family's turn.

Please get some help for yourself. It's well past time.

My sincere best wishes to you. Hopefully you will be free of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt soon enough. You've been a good son.

Jon is right.. I have seen something very very similar. I also agree with Jon that you need some professional help. Forgive me for saying but it sounds like you are wallowing in all of this and the drama of it all (and drama it is indeed) to the disadvanatage of your family.

There is lots of fab advice on here yet you seem to lurch from crisis to crisis.

Please dont ignore what could happen to your family in that they will work around you and find their own ways of doing things they want. They wont include you...

Changed a lot recently. I had to.....

I went on holidays the other week. I visit the hospital once a week if that.
I've sort of cleared it all out of my head for now.

Probably wise. Just waiting to see what happens now.

To be honest, I'm more worried about how things will pan out when he does go considering the situation with my brother.

Got banned on that forum for some reason lol

Hi all - bit of an update.

Dads been in hospital for nearly 4 months now. Seems to have developed dementia - half the time he has no idea where he is or who I am.

Facing reality hes never going home. Hes losing weight a lot in hospital - medically hes fine but who knows.

I visit him when I can but its 30 miles away. To be honest, last time I visited and he knew who I was he was awful (thats him all over). Shouted at me to help him get out bed, called me names (hes not allowed out of bed) and then was really nasty saying I'd never visited him once and demanded that I visit every day.
I prefer it when he thinks I'm the doctor to be honest.

I've bought him stuff, pyjamas, toiletries and I've handled all the admin stuff like his bill etc BUT as you all know hes not been "Worlds best Dad" so I'm not stressing over visiting all the time.

I do feel a bit bad but then think hey what goes around comes around....
Probably going to hell I am :-)

No, you haven't been a bad son. He has been at best an indifferent father. When he loses his temper do try not to let it get to you - and even get out of the situation asap if you can. Try and keep your voice calm and say things like:

I can see you're annoyed so I'll be going now - goodbye Dad.
(When he says you've to visit him every day) - no that isn't going to happen Dad (don't explain or justify - he won't listen anyway and if he does he won't accept it.)
Mention to the nurses/doctors that when he does recognise you it just seems to agitate him more

Just blandly grey rock him until you've had enough, then go home.

Totally agree with @fridgegrazer , so is the plan to get him into a nursing home then ?

Yes its not the most enjoyable experience visiting him to be honest....

Waiting for Social Services to assess him at the moment - seems to take a lot of time....

No way is he going home to live alone - even with carers he couldn't cope. And 1000% no way is he living with me.

Definitely do not take him and make it very clear that whatever he tells them that you will not be doing any care .

No way is that going to happen. He and my wife haven't spoken for years (his fault) so I'd be divorced first!

Sounds like your wife is a sensible woman