Dad 89 won't listen, health failing, lies to people

[paulfoel]

He tells me he can't cope. Says the same to my brother (we don't speak long story).

I got social services to visit and he told them the opposite. Hes fine.

Yesterday, got a call from the Lifeline people he'd fallen over. I drove over my brother was there also (first time I'd spoken in 2 years). Turns out Dad has fallen 4-5 times recently and called my brother. Didn't tell me.

I'm furious, hes lying to everyone. No idea what hes playing up.

I've told him 100 times I cannot pick him up off the floor anyway. (I've got back problems, got blue badge for it).

Every time its always "my sons will do it". Hes refused carers in the past. He just will not get it out of his head that we can't do everything for him.

To be honest, hes better off in a nice residential home. BUT hes stubborn about that.

Hes got almost £50K in the bank but obsessive about not spending any of it.

From what I understand, I can't force anything, even if his stupid decisions are causing problems for himself. Whether hes mentally capable is borderline at the moment I'd say.

Any suggestions/recommendations?

Hes done it before many times - caught him when I've been there.

I went into his kitchen once, I can see his living room from there. I looked over and thought whats he doing whys he trying to sit of the floor? Then he waits until I walk back in the room then he was "Oh dear oh dear I just fell over".

Not impressed with that one. And I've had "chest pains" quite a few times now - I get there and go right you should have called an ambulance, I'll do it now. And he'll be like "oh no oh no I'm ok now". He got me over there.

Surprised the ambulance came this time. A while ago they phoned him to tell him to quit phoning them all the time and they couldn't respond. I remember once he called one, they said it'll be there tomorrow so he got up off the floor 5 mins later.

This time I think its the Carer situation. Like I said I pretty much said no you've got to have carers now. The lady from SS phoned me and said he seemed to have a panic attack when she told he might have to pay after 8 weeks.

All I've heard since then is I'm not paying, why should I, Im cancelling after 8 weeks. Its been playing on his mind.

I dunno if this planned collapse when the carer was there was an attempt to say "look even if they're there I still fall over so its pointless me paying". Or whether as sometimes happens hes just a bit bored and thought bit of drama get the carers involved here.

Might sound harsh but when you've seen it literally 200 times its impossible to know when one is genuine.

I think you're probably right about the drama. Also, this conflict with your brother, I don't think he'll intervene because he likes the drama of it and it's all more attention for him.

Christ he sounds worse than Albert Steptoe!

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry but you always seem to come across like you think you know better than the person actually in the situation

@paulfoel I absolutely understand the situation you find yourself in. My mother was exactly the same for many years. Eventually health care professionals started refusing to attend and at the very end refused to admit her to hospital. It wasn't pleasant but sadly she brought it on her self .

@paulfoel mine does theatrical moaning and groaning to try and get my attention! And dramatic heaving herself out of chairs accompanied by more groaning.

I realised after a while she never does it if someone else is in the room. She just gets up from the chair without much effort. It's a show just for me.

I knew that he would cancel the carers once he had to pay . I’m not sure what the answer is aside from putting in some boundaries ie you will ring him at x time each day but won’t answer calls at any other time . It sounds cruel but he will just keep getting you over there otherwise .

If he’s faking falls, all you can do is ignore and maintain your usual visit schedule.

You’ve told him frequent falls equals care home?

Doesn't seem to twig that one.....
I'm sure this is to say "Look I even fell over when the carer was here so thats not going to make any difference if I pay for it"

I've not been to see him yet. Saturday I had my daughter while wife was in work. Dad was safe with brother waiting for ambulance. I couldn't go. Brother didn't agree so I had a load of threats off him. Thought well theres no way I can go to the hospital if hes there because I know he'll kick of.

Yesterday I had my own emergency to deal with. Someone maliciously smashed my windows. Long story..... Had to get windows boarded etc and didnt want to leave family home alone. Dads safe being looked after in hospital.

Can guarantee both him and my brother wont agree with my allocation of priorities here though. Never do.

@paulfoel 💐You're obviously having a difficult time at the moment - and not just with your father and brother. As you say, he is safe in hospital and you have other priorities at the moment.

@fridgegrazer thanks thats so nice of you. You're gonna make me😥

What you really need to do is stay far far away from these two people, if you are not prepared to do that then you need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. If I was a betting woman I would say your brother had something to do with your windows been put through but I'm not so I won't. This affects your wife and children. It needs to stop. The dysfunction needs to stop with you and not be passed down. I hope you realise that sooner rather than later, before your wife has had enough and your kids get fed up of angry, stressed dad.
Sorry again, but your thought process hasn't changed at all throughout this thread. I can see the panic. I've been there.

Actually, I would suggest therapy regardless. Once your father passes away you are going to be hit with an onslaught of new thoughts and feelings. He has held enormous power over you for a long, long time. You WILL need help to make ANY sense of it. You need to do this for your family.

@LiveLaughCryalot You might be right. I should have known it was going to come to this. Its been simmering for a few years with my brother not happy with how I dealt with things.

Its enough now with him. All I want is Dad to call it as it is and not sit on the fence and play both sides. If I had threatened and abused him, I'd expect Dad to call me out on that, but I just know he wont do anything. Not the 1st time or 2nd time this has happened. All Dad is interested in is keeping both of us on the hook to tend to whatever he wants.

Nah it wasnt him that did the windows. He doesn't know where I live - its miles away from him too.

I agree its a toxic relationship I have with my Dad now. There is no joy AT ALL in going to see him. Its just grief and hassle for me. This time I am sorely tempted to stop contact if hes going to let my brother do this again and again.

You mention when he passes away. You're not wrong there. I feel like Dad died 15 years ago and I've just been going through the motions since. Its going to be difficult to be sad at his funeral I think.

Well brother has managed to escalate it again. Same old - he thinks hes the "responsibility" police he can tell me what to do. I've had this argument many times that what I do is between me and Dad and thats it.

I've even contacted his wife and said look tell me when hes not at hospital because it would just get out of hand. Nope they've told me stay away or he wants a "word".

Not even sure if I can visit Dad now. Not now because Dad is ill and he isnt in a fit state to deal with this just now but a lot of this is Dads fault - he knew there were issues. I let it all go but brother won't and I told Dad this would happen and hes sat there and done nothing.

I don;t want Dad to take sides but he has to realise that I'm not going to visit if my safety is in doubt. Does this seem fair?

You are fully enmeshed in your family drama triangle. You seem unable to step back, your dad and brother love the aggro, drama and attention, you must realize all this he said, she said, he said, is just adding fuel on the fire every time. You are completely immersed in toxicity, your poor wife must be sick to death of it. It is hard to when you are in the middle of it, so do yourself a favour and pull back, reduce contact, concentrate on your family (wife & child) because I guarantee you it will be having a very negative effect on them.
Why on earth would you call your brothers wife? you must know you are also escalating the situation.
Leave them to their games and manipulations, take responsibility for your actions, you can only control yourself.

Can promise you I dont love it!

I want to visit my Dad in hospital. I don't want to go to the hospital and he turns up and starts something in the hospital. I know what hes like.

No I contacted his wife whos text me herself to explain that its best, for now, to make sure we give each some space. Seems sensible to me.

Text her back and decide on visiting rota if she thinks you both need space. Someone does during the day and someone at night or alternate nights. Then you won’t see each other. We did the same

Thing is, if he knows the OP is there and he's the type to cause trouble, he'll just turn up.

OP your dad is safe in hospital so don't feel guilty. I would be inclined to show up and just look into the ward or check if brother is there, and if he is go and wait in the cafe or something without him seeing you - would that be possible do you think? Or just wait until your Dad is discharged. TBH I would be inclined to wait myself.

No, I think @binkie163 was right. Step right back, because the father is as much a part of this drama as the brother. He’ll just tell the brother that @paulfoel has visited and the aggro will start again via phone/text etc.

OP, your dad is in the right place to get care, he is safe and looked after. Satisfying yourself that he is safe and looked after must surely fulfill any necessary duty that a son or daughter may have towards their parents. Use the time you have from not visiting to do some reading around unhealthy family dynamics and how to detach yourself.

OP kindly: you need to go low/no contact with both your Dad and your brother .

Take your brother at his word:

“told me I was now permanently cut off and if he ever saw me up Dads again he would sort me out.”

so… step back, stop visiting , stop calling. Leave them to it. You’ve said everyone else in the family, friends, neighbours , knows what your Dad is like and has stopped putting up with his sh*t long ago.

I know you love your Dad despite it all. But he doesn’t really seem to care for you at all. I agree with others seek some therapy for yourself to understand why you keep going back and letting these people abuse you. Cos that’s what it is. You say yourself it’s like you lost him 15 years ago. Get some help for your grief , focus on your new family - your wife and kids - and find a happier life for yourself

i guarantee you stepping away and going low/no contact will be better for you. You will feel/be made to feel guilty for a while. But you will come to realise it’s on them, not you. And be so much happier

@Daffidale thanks. You're right. Its just all toxic at the moment.....

Like you said I've known for a long, long time what Dad is like. I would say 95% of everything he does is in his interest - hes only nice to me because he wants me to be around.

Its almost as if he relies on the fact that he can treat me like crap but hes still my Dad so he'll have me on hook.

I should have sorted this last time brother did this. Like I said a few years ago, it got bad. I told my Dad the police were nearly involved. All I got was "yeh I know what you're brother is like". Dad, as he always did, just put his head in the sand and waited for it to go away.

He wouldnt speak to my brother about it because he didnt want to upset him and lose a "helper" and he hoped I'd let it go. And he managed it.

Trouble is at the moment hes in hospital and not even sure where he is. Dunno what this is (wife thinks hes faking but I'm not so sure - to be fair to her he could beat DeNiro for an Oscar sometimes).

Whether he will go back to living alone who knows. Trouble is I can't speak to him about things at the moment because he won't understand.

On the plus side, he won't know how many times I've visited.

I know I shouldn't worry but I'm more concerned about how the funeral is going to work with all this, rather than concern.

Massive part of the problem is we live in different worlds. Yeh I'm from the same place, same upbringing (deprived sh@thole in the welsh valleys).

Dad worked all his life in a factory, brother is a welder, I'm an IT Consultant. I can't tell you how many times its been implied I've not got a real job.

My brother has 3 kids, 2 different mothers, doesnt bother to see them. I've got 2 kids, been married 27 years.

An incident a few years ago summed things up. Brothers Ex had drink problems. Social called him and asked him to take his daughter in for a few months because of this. He refused and told them to put her in a home - his own daughter!!!! I remember Dad telling me and me saying how disgusting this was. Dad stuck up for him, saying well he can't look after her, hes got to go to work, and its his Exs fault anyway for getting like this.

My wife wanted to take our niece on, but in the end she did go to her grandmothers.

I remember at the time thinking what a pair of disgusting scumbags my Dad and brother are.

We've had a few things like that. Brother got caught for tax evasion - got serious owed a lot of money. It hilarious to be honest. All the money gone spent down the pub. Of course, Dad stuck up for him, moaned how the working man was always punished in this country. Jeez the rest of us pay tax properly!
I was a bit gutted because he managed to get out of all the fines and pay it back over 10 years. (even then him and Dad moaned about the "robbing dog accountant charging so much" he had to pay to sort it all out.

Just stop.
Get over to the stately homes thread.
You don't have to live like this.

I know people are telling me to stay away. I did want to go and see Dad tonight - I txt brothers wife (who has been slightly more reasonable than him) to ensure hes not there. That would be bad.

No response at all. Hmmm. Friday night theres a good chance brother will be there.

Risk turning up and hes there and it all kicking off?

Or give it a miss?

Tempted for option 2 I must admit. Like I've always said, Dad has known about our disagreement for years and never called brother out on it, so its sort of his fault its all kicked off again. Dont want to put all this on him when hes ill but still.....