Dad 89 won't listen, health failing, lies to people

[paulfoel]

He tells me he can't cope. Says the same to my brother (we don't speak long story).

I got social services to visit and he told them the opposite. Hes fine.

Yesterday, got a call from the Lifeline people he'd fallen over. I drove over my brother was there also (first time I'd spoken in 2 years). Turns out Dad has fallen 4-5 times recently and called my brother. Didn't tell me.

I'm furious, hes lying to everyone. No idea what hes playing up.

I've told him 100 times I cannot pick him up off the floor anyway. (I've got back problems, got blue badge for it).

Every time its always "my sons will do it". Hes refused carers in the past. He just will not get it out of his head that we can't do everything for him.

To be honest, hes better off in a nice residential home. BUT hes stubborn about that.

Hes got almost £50K in the bank but obsessive about not spending any of it.

From what I understand, I can't force anything, even if his stupid decisions are causing problems for himself. Whether hes mentally capable is borderline at the moment I'd say.

Any suggestions/recommendations?

yeh that'll be fun when he works that one out.

Have you / he applied for attendance allowance? Maybe he can use that to pay ? ( or towards paying)

Private care is expensive and no doubt he would cancel it once they bill him so I wouldn’t bother to sort it for him .

Varies. When Dad had carers, SS sorted it out and supplied carers from their contract, Dad had to reimburse the Council. Self funder, refused financial assessment

I was well over the limit too but hes does not seem to give a monkeys about that.

That's absolutely fucking stupid, @paulfoel . You could have killed someone.

That has just lost any sympathy I felt for you.

What you should have done was ring 999 and updated them to say you could not attend and your dad was by himself.

@paulfoel he’s never going to be the dad you want or deserve. Ever.

Sorry if that’s harsh to hear, but i hope it helps you find the wherewithal to distance yourself a bit.

It also sounds like you need to visit the Stately Homes threads which are for people who grew up with difficult parent. Lots of resources and help there.

Oh @paulfoel I can hear the frustration and "end of your tether" screaming through your posts. Posting that it's definitely dementia or whatever is not helpful is it - not every elderly parent who is stubborn and demanding has dementia, some are just stubborn and demanding!

Agree you have to take a step back and let him deal with the consequences of his own stubbornness and refusal to accept professional help. No more dropping everything and rushing over. Let him moan about patient transport or whatever else he has a bee in his bonnet about and just keep repeating your mantra that you can't help. Be very clear with him about what you are prepared to help with, different for everyone but could be you're happy to do an online grocery shop and have it delivered (he pays!!), or visit once a week on a Sunday, or deal with getting him a good deal on insurance or his electricity bill. But HE has to realise that you have your own life and own responsibilities and moving in to be a carer is not ever going to be an option.

I also think you need a full and frank discussion with your brother about this, it's so much easier when you're both singing off the same songsheet.

This week I've been so stressed, taken it out on my family and kids, its got to stop I know.... I'll end up off work with stress the way this is all going.....

I dont know if you are still reading this @paulfoel but needed to comment. It seems you have spent a very long time pandering to this man. You have put his needs before that of your wife and children and you take out your frustration on them. That is awful. This is what your children will remember. He clicks his fingers and you go running, why is that? Why is your entire life centred around him?
If you want this to change then you need to do some serious work on yourself because if you don't, the cycle will continue and one day, you will look up and see that your family, having gotten used to being at the bottom of the pile, can't be bothered with YOU anymore. They will have moved on. Your wife will be resentful and your children will carry their own baggage because of your very complicated relationship with your father. If you can't break away from your him for your own sake then you need to do it for your family.
I am sorry to be blunt and I wish you well but I know a similar kind of man to your dad. When my first child was born I broke away because I didn't want him to cast a shadow over their lives like he had mine. It's not too late for you to do the same but it will take some hard work.

Nothing you do for your father will ever be enough. He enjoys the fact that you tie yourself in knots to appease him.

Sorry for the intense reply but I saw so many similarities in your posts. Good luck.

isn't that where you're supposed to be providing so many hours of care a week as a carer?

I suppose I deserved that - fair enough. Yes not one of my best ideas.....

Yeh it just makes me so sad you know?

Thats it all you get is "but hes your Dad" from people who don't see how it is.

I was trying to tell social services how to be wary of what he told them and all I got from them them was "Aw love him". Sod that be firm with him.

Hes very good at playing the sweet old man to be honest.

I visit once a week now and do some shopping and he hates it! Always moaning how hes stuck in the house. Bought him a huge chest freezer a few years ago - hardly the bottom is covered. I do his shopping and its like £20 a week (he gets meals on wheel as well though). If I get more he kicks off.

I began to realise he uses this a trump card - "I've got no food in the house". Its a deliberate play. Oh and he likes specific things from Morrisons (funny how theres one 500 yards from my house - lucky that!.

I remember one time I really couldn't go. Offered to sort out morrisons home delivery. Scared him to death, came up with all sorts of stupid excuses. Of course, he doesn't want to open that pandoras box because it takes away one of his powers. (of making me visit him).

Awful really....

Thanks. Nah you're right.

I did realise a few years ago where this was going and changed. No more weekend visits where I took the kids, no more invites on xmas day, no more need for my wife to speak to him when she doesnt want to.

All I do now is phone him a few times a week and visit him one evening - thats it.

Of course he still pushes it like he did now.

After this time, I'm withdrawing even more. I'll offer to help if I can but if he turns it down then fine. If he drops dead at home one day (he will) then not my problem.

Latest drama - "I've decided I might need carers after all, can you ask them to visit again to speak to me?"

Told him no, I'm not wasting any more of my time phoning them. I will email and ask them if they are willing to call you but don't be surprised if they say no because I told them you lied last time. If they do call you better to ready to apologise for last time.

Hes not happy.

"I'm not paying £180 a year for that lifeline thing". So I said "up to you, your money, your consequences".

In a way I thought good deal with it. Am thinking of blocking the number if they try to call me anyway - is that awful?

I'm 30-40 mins away and can't pick him up anyway. Not having a repeat of last time where he expected "all hands on deck". All the lifeline people did was call an ambulance not more I can do.

Thats the problem he expects miracles. Hand the problem to someone and they'll sort it.

Hes even upset his neighbours with the lifeline thing - they called the one neighbour last time and she refused and asked for her name to be removed (shes as old as him). Knowing Dad hes put her phone number down as a contact without asking her.

Hes got a long MO with that. When he gets released from hospital he always tell them his sons will look after him and stay with him. Never asks me. (I never stay).
And I've lost count of the number of times hes put my mobile no down as contact without asking me.

Îm not sure. It’s not alot a week and it doesn’t go on income. Maybe have a look though?

No, that’s Carers Allowance you’re thinking of.

Attendance Allowance is a non-means-tested allowance to help cope with the extra costs of disability. So if he has difficulty looking after himself, it’s worth looking at the form and seeing if he might qualify.

Attendance Allowance would be paid to your father. It’s something like £60 a week (or £100 at the overnight rate which I don’t think he’d get). It would pay for a couple of hours care each week. Or a gardener. Or a cleaner. Anything to get that first foot in the door.

Don't do this. If your father has capacity (and it sounds like he has) then this is illegal.

Your father doesn't sound as though he would qualify for a care home (and certainly not a nursing home).

I think you need to step back.

I'll look into it. Dad will just add this to his ever growing savings hoard though.
If you gave him a million pounds he'd still struggle and not want to spend it.
"During the war, we were poor, so even now I don't like wasting money".

if it’s not him but the attendance allowance paying maybe he’ll agree to it? It’ll be only a couole of hours a week at most but he might enjoy it and agree to a bit more paid help? Are there any self employed private carers/ cleaners near where he lives ? Then it would be the same person each week possibly? How does he get his shopping in atm?

ha ha I wish he thought like that but its likely to be "good more money to save".

At the moment my brother and I do his shopping and he gets meals on wheels.

Big problem has always been he sees no link between affording something that you've got the money for and whether he thinks its "wasting money". Its crazy I know. He'd rather suffer (or more like get me to do for free) than pay for something he sees as "too expensive".

Not helped by the fact hes clueless about how much things cost these days. He always asks me how much I earn I won't tell him then he says "so more than £100 a week?". Seriously. He think I'm lying when I tell him minimum wage is around £400 a week. I just don't argue any more.....

He is obsessed by money and how much hes got. He writes it all down then when the statement comes he goes through every entry. BUT its like monopoly money to him.... Every month I get "can you phone the bank, I think its £2 out". NO!!!!

Yep, got one of those.

Despite swearing blind he wouldn't be ' that parent' after experiencing it with his own parents, he now expects his children who are working full time with their own families to be ' on call' anytime he can't be bothered to do something or wants company.

He's refused care homes and moving to a more manageable house until now it's too late ( I neither have the energy or inclination to sort this now after going quite far down the road with it previously, before he backed out ).

He does have carers every morning and evening, which is great as quite frankly I will know in good time if he has passed away or fallen ill. Previously he just didn't bother to answer his phone or reply to messages on his mobile, so we had to go round to make sure he was OK. Quite deliberate.

At this stage it's quite a resentful relationship between us as his grown children, and him. There is no happiness or pleasure in visiting or seeing him. He has awful opinions, is dirty and smelly, but is quite mentally switched on - he's just lazy.

I honestly will not be this kind of elderly parent to my children. It's miserable.

Despite swearing blind he wouldn't be ' that parent' after experiencing it with his own parents, he now expects his children who are working full time with their own families to be ' on call' anytime he can't be bothered to do something or wants company.

I honestly will not be this kind of elderly parent to my children.

How can you be so sure? Your Dad (I presume) was equally adamant that he wouldn't be "this kind of elderly parent"

Email Adult Social Services (there will be a contact site) or if you do make an initial call, ask for an email addie to follow up in writing. Be very, very very clear about the situation, including the difference in his presentation to them and the reality and the limitations you have in terms of the assistance you can reasonably give. Ask for another care needs assessment. Yes, he'll have to self fund at present which I know is another major stumbling block, but Attendance Allowance (he should get lower rate) may be a softener especially if you say it has to be used for care (it often isn't of course, but not a total porky)

Call his GP and say you know they can't discuss him with you but let them know the score. Again, I know he'll be reluctant to pay, but does his lifeline scheme have an emergency response option? They arevery little more than the standard and someone will actually come out to pick him up safely (using a Mangar inflatable lift usually) Long periods on the floor are very bad news for medical reasons but it doesn't have to be you risking permanent injury to your back.

He's not going to get any better OP and I know it is easy and understandable to get so mired in and frustrated with the situation it seems hopeless. Taking a big step back is the only way, sometimes. I do understand; once came across a lady (no dementia present) whose stock response to any question re shopping, care etc was "My son helps me". Further enquiry quickly revealed that son was indeed caring and involved but actually lived in Texas, so not really viable for lifts to the surgery or Tesco.

I was trying to tell social services how to be wary of what he told them and all I got from them them was "Aw love him". Sod that be firm with him

SS will do whatever saves them ££££££££