Dad 89 won't listen, health failing, lies to people

[paulfoel]

He tells me he can't cope. Says the same to my brother (we don't speak long story).

I got social services to visit and he told them the opposite. Hes fine.

Yesterday, got a call from the Lifeline people he'd fallen over. I drove over my brother was there also (first time I'd spoken in 2 years). Turns out Dad has fallen 4-5 times recently and called my brother. Didn't tell me.

I'm furious, hes lying to everyone. No idea what hes playing up.

I've told him 100 times I cannot pick him up off the floor anyway. (I've got back problems, got blue badge for it).

Every time its always "my sons will do it". Hes refused carers in the past. He just will not get it out of his head that we can't do everything for him.

To be honest, hes better off in a nice residential home. BUT hes stubborn about that.

Hes got almost £50K in the bank but obsessive about not spending any of it.

From what I understand, I can't force anything, even if his stupid decisions are causing problems for himself. Whether hes mentally capable is borderline at the moment I'd say.

Any suggestions/recommendations?

Maybe you don't, and yes he should have done something - but it won't help your Dad if you go tonight and your brother kicks off. I mean he might love the drama and attention, but it won't do him any good - also you might find that even though your brother is the aggressor, you might get tarred with the same brush. Honestly, I wouldn't go. Is there no way you can get a message to your Dad which isn't via your brother's family?

Don’t go

EXACTLY. And I know brother he won't care he'll have to prove his point....
I am wondering if brother is hoping we'll bump into each other to be honest so he can "have a word" which is what hes like.

I've txt them and it looks like they've blocked me too.

I've spoken to the hospital and asked about him and asked them to say I called.
Not sure whether to call, speak to senior nurse and explain the situation and ask them to tell Dad.

Dad is likely oblivious to all of this - unless brother has been ranting to him. Who knows. Yes a lot of this is his fault but I still can't bring myself to upset him when hes in hospital...

Just had a text "no not telling you if we're visiting or not".

Sometimes, you just have to look after yourself for a change. The world will not cave in if you do. The more you do it, the better you will feel, eventually. Social Services will always try to find relatives to take on all the responsibility and heavy lifting, which is totally understandable, considering the pressures that they are under, but they are not party to, nor necessarily sympathetic to, the family dynamics. You have yourself and your own family to take care of, which means you must take care of your own mental health and well-being. If you don't, who else will? I wish you well.

If it's at all possible I would try and speak to someone at the hospital about this - not only to get a message to your dad, but to make them aware of the possible situation. Get it on record that you feel you cannot visit your father because you are anxious about your brother's aggressive attitude and that he isn't co-operating with you alternating times for visits so as to avoid any unpleasantness. Say that he has form for this and (am I right here?) has even been aggressive towards your wife in the past, so you don't want to risk it.

Yes I spoke to the hospital last week and, of course, they don't want the hassle.
I've phoned this weekend and left a message to tell them to tell Dad.

I KNOW what hes going to be like. He'll be well off that I haven't visited him.

To be honest, I've taken the decision to step away a little. I don't have enough sanity left to deal with this after everything else that's happened recently.

Its getting like the Jeremy Kyle show with my family and I don't want any part of it.

I keep reminding myself that, yes, Dad is ill in hospital but this is partly his fault for not calling it out before. He knew how serious it all got a few years ago.

Speaking to a friend and this all made sense. If you had a good friend who had 2 friends and you weren't friends this other one- what would your good friend person sat by and let this other person abuse you?
You'd think hang on. have a word with your friend and tell them to quit please? Even if it wasn't they're doing, their inaction would call into question YOUR friendship.

Makes sense....

Well hes still there in hospital AFAIK. I've phoned a few times - not easy to get them to answer the phone though. A Doctor did phone me one day though - I did say DO NOT let him go home like he is. We'll see.

To be honest, I'm trying to put it all out of my mind if I can. Hes safe there.

I've got enough going on without getting dragged into this drama to be honest.

Trouble is now brother and his wife have blocked me so if he leaves hospital I'm not even going to know (hoping hospital will phone me). Honestly don't know whats going to happen going forward.

Keep telling myself I didn't do any of this. All I've ever done is try and keep everyone happy and look after everyone as best I can. Not good enough for my brother it seems who thinks he can tell me what I should prioritise is life and Dad has sat back and let him try to do this.

OMG OP, have read this thread and you have the absolute patience of a saint..a few thoughts:

Your dad is either a severe narcissist, or perhaps has ASD too that's manifesting itself in very trying ways in old age?

You have done more, more, more than enough - prioritise the family you've chosen (and who have chosen you)

About people who (extremely unhelpfully) say 'Ooh, but he's your dad' - do they know him? Not by the sounds of it, they have their own maybe pleasant version of a dad that they're basing that comment on.

You said it makes you sad the thought your dad will never be the dad you want(ed) - lean into that, as it sounds like that is the path you need to head down for acceptance. Sounds like an unhealthy mash of guilt, misplaced obligation, people-pleasing and some downright enabling going on (sorry). Boundaries are healthy, for you & your family (and your dad!)

Hope things get better for YOU (nevermind your dad, he's had plenty of opportunities - sounds like he generally won't, rather than can't).

Thanks @Schnapps00
You would not believe how many times I've heard "but hes your Dad".

Honestly, I'd be divorced by now if I'd not stepped back a few years ago - and he wouldn't care.

This has been going on for 20 years now....

Hes still in hospital. Been there just over 2 weeks now. I've visited twice during the daytime when I can get away from work.

Not going in the evening and bumping into brother and getting into all that because I know he'll get violent. He does things like that.

The brother thing has been bubbling under for years and Dad has ignored it. He even said once "why can't you two just get along and stop arguing". I did point out I have no desire to argue with anyone, he has his opinion, I have mine - all I want is for him to butt out, not contact me and leave me alone.

But the abusive texts and threats re-appeared again. Third time in last 5-6 years. Dad knows this but as usual, he won't risk upsetting anyone because he likes to keep us both on hook. All I need him to do is say to brother "mind your own business and leave your brother alone" but hes never going to do that.

Well bit of an update - hes still in hospital. I have been to visit but its awkward because I have to make sure I'm avoiding dear brother.

Alas, physically Dad is no worse but not sure whats happened but he doesn't recognize anyone. Its hard going to see him to be honest.

Of course, they're talking care home now (which I think is best) BUT really awkward with the brother situation.

To be honest, I've taken a step back. It was all too much giving it all space in my head if I'm honest.

I think that's sensible, partly for your own mental health but also because it makes it harder for some to say you will pick up the slack. They will only put him in a care home if there are no other options so make sure you don't become one.

Oh no never in a million years is that happening!

Spoke to the doctor in hospital today. They're still treating him for infection but they said I had to be prepared. I guess since hes 89 after all.....

Got holiday Saturday and insurance won't payout if I cancel. I guess because hes been in hospital for 8 weeks and hes not critical. Which I suppose if everyone claimed when an 85+ year old parent was ill there'd be chaos.

Part of me wants to cancel and say sod the money (its about £7K). Part of me thinks I'll cancel go to the hospital next week and hes fit as a fiddle annoying all the nurses. I'd be chucking him out of the window!

My daughters 10 and doesnt really understand. No relationship with her grandad at all as you can see from this thread. Shes had a really rough time recently so I don't want to cancel for her sake?

WWYD?

I can just imagine my brother too if Dad passes away when I'm away on holidays :-(

7K is a lot of money - if it had been my Dad I wouldn't go, but if I'd had a Dad like yours, I think I would. How long is the holiday? You could always tell your brother that the doctor told you it wasn't critical and imply that he thought it would be OK for you to go. I'm sure you don't care what your brother thinks anyway.

Unfortunately it is a lose/lose situation. Wish i could give you an answer but there isn't one. If you are away will insurance pay for you to come home if the hospital tells you he's end of life?

2 weeks. Can't even get hold of brother hes blocked me.

Hes not critical hes stable at the moment. I guess doctor is just telling us worse case.

Yes I think they would if he got worse. Trouble is hes been there 8 weeks now so who knows.

Go on holiday. What would happen if you were at home when he died? It doesn’t sound like you’d be at his bedside holding his hand and saying a quiet goodbye as he slipped away. You won’t be hugging your brother as you mourn his loss. And you say your daughter has no relationship with your dad so won’t want to be there.

my mum went on holiday when my grandma was ill, it wasn’t clear whether she would recover or not but mum was exhausted and needed a break so everyone told her to go. Friends and family stepped up to visit, even dad went and visited her (back story which made it a Big Deal). Grandma hung on until mum got back from holiday.

You might not have the totally relaxing experience you’d want, but you’ll have enough periods where you can put the situation out of your mind and focus on your family and let them have the break they deserve. There’s also no need to rush back if he does die while you’re away. Again, what would you be coming back to do? Nothing that can’t wait until your scheduled return.

I was on holiday when my Mum died.
She died on a Thursday and we were due to fly back on the Saturday so we didn't bring the flights forward or anything.
There was nothing I needed to be there for and I sorted it all out when I got home

Like I said hes been there 8 weeks now so no indication that hes going to get worse really.

Its been a really tough time for us all to be honest. Daughter moved schools because we had trouble, our house flooded last weekend, and we're trying to move house.....

I don't know how it works. If he died say the day I got there can I delay things?
Sadly years ago my wifes Dad died when we were away and we rushed homw but that was more for her mum who was left. As you say, my brother and I are probably never going to speak.

yeh its just what happens if he dies and I've got 13 days left....

I can't even get hold my brother hes blocked me. Of course the hospital have my number etc.

I missed a death by an hour or two - simply couldn't stay awake any longer! It didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Most people
can't stay around indefinitely waiting for it to happen.

In the immediate aftermath of the death, you might as well be on holiday if there's no one else to be there for, if that makes sense. The body would go to the morgue, then be released to undertakers, whoever you've chosen. The undertakers will organise the funeral for when you want - there seems to be a 2-3 weeks delay locally with cremation dates so being away for 13 days wouldn't be a problem! You could easily be in touch with undertakers from on holiday!

The only potential problem I could see is the need to register the death within five days. But it doesn't have to be done by you.
www.gov.uk/after-a-death

yeh its just what happens if he dies and I've got 13 days left....

Stop with the "what-if"s, you will drive yourself crazy! Ask yourself, what would you do during that 13 days if you were at home? Mope about? Presumably your brother will be registering the death and clearing out the house? It's extremely unlikely a funeral will be held in that time as in most parts of the country there are backlogs, so if you wanted to pay your respects while he's at the Funeral Director's you can do that when you return.

It sounds like your brother will be an arse whatever you do, so just accept that and focus on your family. It's said elsewhere on this board that if you have a choice that will leave you with either guilt or resentment, chose guilt.

How many hours flight is it? Could you just have a back up plan that if things took a turn for the worse you could come back and your family finish the holiday and follow you home later? Even if the insurance didn’t pay out unless you’re going to a far away/ remote destination flights are often frequent and not that expensive.