Dad 89 won't listen, health failing, lies to people

[paulfoel]

He tells me he can't cope. Says the same to my brother (we don't speak long story).

I got social services to visit and he told them the opposite. Hes fine.

Yesterday, got a call from the Lifeline people he'd fallen over. I drove over my brother was there also (first time I'd spoken in 2 years). Turns out Dad has fallen 4-5 times recently and called my brother. Didn't tell me.

I'm furious, hes lying to everyone. No idea what hes playing up.

I've told him 100 times I cannot pick him up off the floor anyway. (I've got back problems, got blue badge for it).

Every time its always "my sons will do it". Hes refused carers in the past. He just will not get it out of his head that we can't do everything for him.

To be honest, hes better off in a nice residential home. BUT hes stubborn about that.

Hes got almost £50K in the bank but obsessive about not spending any of it.

From what I understand, I can't force anything, even if his stupid decisions are causing problems for himself. Whether hes mentally capable is borderline at the moment I'd say.

Any suggestions/recommendations?

Nothing happens.
I actually had a good relationship with my Mum, she died in her sleep and me being 10 minutes, 2 hours or 10 hours away made no difference

Florida so 8 hours+

It sounds to me like your daughter needs this holiday. Your whole family does. Can they go without you?

Visit the day before you go - today I suppose- and go on your holiday and enjoy.

It sounds like the last few months have been stressful for your family and in the past you have often sidelined them to look after your DF.
They deserve a break with you.

Forgive yourself OP.

hmmmm. it would be difficult to be honest.... Florida. Wife wont drive out there so they'd be a bit stuck.

No they won't. Uber is next level there for a start then there's shuttle buses EVERYWHERE. Your life and that of your families has been shaped by YOUR father. He has being cruel/disinterested in them for years. You said yourself he has affected your mood over the years and you have been difficult to live with. You have all lived under his cloud.
Do not cancel your families trip to Florida because of him. That would be incredibly selfish on your part. If you can't go then don't go. You don't get to decide that they don't go. Support them, encourage them. Florida is incredibly easy to get around without a car. We NEVER hire a car, we just use Uber because it is so cheap and the free shuttle buses.

Oh and there's flights in and out of Florida daily at the moment from large UK Airports.

Oh I'd never make them cancel. If it turns out I can;t got then no problem them going. Just not sure whether they'd want to.

If your father was in his final hours and your brother keeping a vigil by his bedside, it sounds like you would have to keep your distance, so would there be any benefit in missing your holiday or dashing back?
As rookiemere said, I'd visit today and say my goodbyes just in case the worst happens when you are away, then enjoy some much needed time with your family on holiday.
Who is your father's executor? If your brother is likely to take over any funeral arrangements and refuse to involve you, again there would be little to be gained by being here perhaps?

No suggestion that hes add death door its more of a case he is 89 and he is ill so be prepared.

Yes it would be very awkward if that happened. Can almost guarantee brother would kick off and try and make me leave.

Thats another thing - both of us are executors. Stupid or what? I tried to tell Dad pick me or pick brother I don't care but one of us. I've not spoken to brother for years and Dad knew that but thats him all over - brush it all under the carpet.

If Dad passed when I'm away I'm not sure what I'd do. I could end up phoning a funeral home from abroad and hes already done it and he wouldn't tell me.
Can guarantee he will think he can stop me going to the funeral too.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed my brother I'm afraid. Hes done it all in his life inc abandoning his kids, disappearing for months, trouble with law, money, taxes etc.
Hes one of those whos always woe is me life is so unfair when its all his fault.

Its a bit rich when he thinks he can take the moral high ground regarding Dads care.

I'll happily be civil to him then ignore him BUT he won't have it. In the past, its his way, or no way. I should ignore my kids, put Dad first, like he does or else. I've had abuse and threats MANY times from him.

Its not going to be good...

You can decline to be an executor you know, then you won't have to work with him, but that depends on whether you can trust him - which it is evident you can't - but it also depends how bothered you are about your Dad's estate too. I know it sounds mercenary, but why shouldn't your daughter benefit?

In the first post you mentioned about cancelling the holiday it was all about you. YOU don't care about losing the money etc. As a parent, especially a parent who's child has had a tough time recently, you do what it damn well takes to make sure your family go on that holiday. If they are unsure about going alone then you go with them. You ring the hospital discreetly, daily, and see how he is. If things change, you come home. Tbh, I cant believe after everything he has put you through (and your wife amd children) that I have to point that out. Have a go at putting them and their needs first yes? Instead of you and your fathers.

Edited due to repeating myself.

Oh my brothers a complete moron - he hasnt got the mental capacity to do it.

Know what you mean - Im not fussed on the money I'd be more annoyed if brother took it all though.

ha ha thanks for being so blunt. No honestly.... Yes I know what you mean.
My poor little girl has had to change schools because of someone else Dad smashing our windows (nutter!), we're moving house, our house flooded last weekend too! and we're trying to sell it. shes seen some very stressed parents recently!

Yep we're going. Decided if he does fall ill chances are I won't be back in time anyway. 8 hr flight plus travel from london.

Also, if he does go, I'll see what I can sort from abroad and put it all on hold until I get home.

so if he does go, what do I do? Phone the solictor who did his will? Im 99% sure I know which one he used.

There's not a lot you can do until you get the death certificate - the last time I did this you had to actually go to the register office but when my parents died and I was ill, my brother did it by phone - but that was during Covid, so I'm not sure if you can do it now. If your brother hasn't got the nouse to do it himself, I would leave it until you get home. The only thing would be his bank account. I'm supposing you don't have POA. I would be worried about bro getting hold of his bank card and helping himself, which is of course illegal, but he sounds the type who would. Also, if his pension keeps being paid after his death it will have to be paid back. I honestly think there is a limited amount you can do from a distance unless you appoint a solicitor - for which you will have to pay of course.

Well hes still going. Went on holidays - glad I did because no dramas.

Finding it hard at the moment to be too concerned if I'm honest. I've got so much so going on (see my insurance issue!) and its almost as if my brain has shut this off because I can't cope.

I do feel a bit bad. Of course he was never the best dad in the world....

I've been phoning the hospital but they don't answer the phone half the time. I don't visit in the evening because I don't want to bump into my brother - again I just can't deal with the stress. So I've just visited once a week in the daytime.

We'll see what happens.....

Glad you went on holiday and that nothing dramatic happened ! You made the right choice.

Yes glad I went now to be honest.....

I would probably have felt guilty if anything had happened though.

I did reach out to my brother the other day. Not because I want to but for Dads sake. No reply.

Well saw him yesterday and hes worse. Lost tons of weight, had no idea who I was. I think this might be it to be honest.

So sorry to hear this @paulfoel - it's always distressing and shocking when this happens no matter how difficult the person has been. Did you manage to speak to any of the staff and see what they think? If he doesn't even recognise you, it is evident he can't be allowed home.

What they did with my Dad (who was nothing like your Dad in temperament but was obviously very frail after recovering from Covid in hospital) was they sent him for 6 weeks to a convalescent/nursing type home for his needs to be assessed. Sadly he died a couple of weeks into that assessment anyway.

I think the best thing they could do is the same thing for your Dad, not that I am callous enough to think he will die during the assessment, but it will become even more evident what he can and cannot do. If they speak to you about him being discharged though it is important that you stress that he cannot manage alone and that you are not able to support him any more than you are doing now. If they can palm him off on one of his children they will do so.

thanks - to be honest, hes lost so much weight that I doubt he could even stand now. Hes been in bed now for months in hospital.

I did speak to the dr a few weeks ago and they were trying to treat an infection. Apparently, thats sorted but his head is not right.

I don't think theres any suggestion that hes ever going to be living on his own again even if he does recover from this.

Im preparing myself for what looks inevitable to be honest.....

@paulfoel so sorry hearing the challenges you have and continue to face. If you would consider a nursing home for your Dad do engage a social worker as part of the Multi Disciplinary Team meeting. I never in a million years expected us to secure continuing healthcare (CHC) for my DD but the reablement hospital he was in invoked something called a DoLs (deprivation of liberty) meaning effectively he was taken into care of the LA - this combined with a great Matron/Nursing team at the home we chose secured the CHC for us. Ironically my DM has ample funds to pay but kept making a huge fuss saying how terrible it was they had paid in for their whole lives and now were expected to fund DD care….she hasn’t as it is all covered. She keeps that quiet though letting people think she is paying 🙄 for sympathy I can only assume. CHC is not means tested so you can have over £23k in savings. It might be worth looking into. the other thing is don’t be fooled by all singing all dancing homes, if that is the route you go down. In reality a cinema room and spa are rarely much use at this stage but good wells staffed and managed homes that may not look fancy are often the better ones.

This advice is all good general stuff, but in the OPs case it’s clear that the relationship has broken down between him and his brother, and the relationship between him and his dad wasn’t great to start with either.

@paulfoel this won’t be the first time that medics and social services have had to deal with a family that don’t agree. Their first priority will be your dad, so keep the lines of communication open with the hospital and also ask them if your dad has been assigned a social worker. If your dad has a post-infection delirium they may say he’s ready for medical discharge and social services will then have to find him a suitable place to go. Fingers crossed for some form of rehabilitation centre (which can feel half-way between a hospital and a care home). The hospital will want their bed so will be putting pressure on social to sort it.

I’m sorry he’s worse, but you will need to be prepared for a range of potential outcomes from him recovering and hanging on for ages yet, or rapid deterioration and “the inevitable”. The unknown nature of this can add to the anxiety around the whole situation so do be mindful of all the good advice you’ve already had on this thread about detaching and not getting sucked into unnecessary drama.

Mum was in her 90's and a very sensible person from the GP's surgery called me a few weeks before she died to say that although she wasnt EOL they wanted to talk through positive intervention. I said no more hospital visits, no more antibiotics. Just let nature take its course and it did.

Otherwise the hospital could well throw everything they can at him (so that they are not accused of being agist!) and then just ship him back to the care home whilst patting themselves on the back. I had POA so it made it much easier.

Its a truly horrible time.