🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Welcome @bizzey and vent and/or ask away ☕️

@funnelfan internal debate ongoing here - DF had a great weekend but another crisis today so I’m regretting not packing him a grab bag or calling more care homes on my day off last week.

Thank you for the welcome.x

It would be a much clearer decision if there was a fall, a broken hip, a heart attack or stroke.

Mum has gone in for a couple of weeks respite, dad has had some new windows fitted today. Was going to take him out fir a sandwich and look round local Wyevale but he was quite enjoying just chilling at home so we just sat in the conservatory, played with the cat abd put the world to rights. Was nice

Thank you for the welcome everyone, and thank you for the welcome @FiniteSagacity That's very kind of you. A lot of people don't understand who didn't go through this

@funnelfan we’re several falls in… falls clinic attended… hospital stays, hospital visits CT scans, MRIs. I’m not sure what level of crisis is required and often think that helping has not helped the helpee or the helpers. I think if there hadn’t been help from family that the right solution might have been found. It is so hard.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew thank you for sharing a little bit of light, that’s lovely and it helps to focus on those moments.

Hi @bizzey , I’m a frequent lurker, infrequent poster, as my DPs aren’t at crisis yet though I’m constantly amazed they’re still shuffling on. Welcome.

@Patsy7299 oh no, I'm so sorry you had to cut your holiday short to deal with that. I hope you have managed to get the locks sorted and that it is not too stressful for you now. Life is complicated enough without everything your family are adding to your plate.

Hi @FiniteSagacity I am newish too, welcome

I am glad that you had a nice time with your DF, sounds lovely @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

Sorry that welcome was for @bizzey 🤦

But hi also to @FiniteSagacity 😂

Thank you all again for the welcome 🤗.

My issue at the moment is not with DM as such , but the beaururocy bods !

She was assessed by OT and Adult SS and it was deemed she was unsafe to use her bath seat ( the electric one that goes up and down )

She almost fell getting out of the bath while the OT people were here and had to be caught !

So , they took the bath set away.

She is now just strip washing at the sink 😕.

Preliminary finance form has come back saying she has to pay 6k towards the adaptations for a wet room.

She has no money though ! 😮!

She has 2.5k in savings and pensions.

They want 6k upfront ...and in fact the amount could increase when the full financial form is filled in .

She /we are happy to pay the contribution over x amount of years ..and pay back remainder if house has to get sold ...but at the moment...she just doesn't have 6k+.

Everyone I have spoken to about it just keep saying they don't know the answer, they will get back to me, they I'll look into it 😞.

Anyone else been in the same situation?

Thanks .

I expect you’ve seen this. Don’t know whether it’s relevant. Have you seen the financial assessment? Or appealed it?

So an update from social care for my Aunt. She has capacity, so they can't do anything she doesn't agree to. She did agree to fire brigade assessment and fire alarms, no to falls alarm referral and they told her I referred after I asked them not to. So basically we are still in the same position, her not eating or self caring, but now she will be angry with me and that may make it harder for me to check on her.

At least the neighbours can't say I didn't try to do anything now as that has been implied despite me asking the GP multiple times. She can refuse memory assessment. They want to step back from helping with her shopping. Thing is unless they say we cannot help you anymore to her, she will want them to continue helping as she likes them and won't be open to me organising anything else.

Closer to home my Dad's eyesight is deteriorating rapidly and so I have been trying to get help with sight aids from a charity. He at least is open to some help and doesn't live hundreds of miles away so I have more chance of getting things sorted.

I wish there was more information given from the GP and other agencies about planning for these things earlier in life because there does seem to be a total lack of understanding about the wider impact on carers and family members from the elder generations. The ostrich approach just ends up with the burden falling on to loved ones who have multiple other responsibilities.

A friend and I were agreeing that at least with a first baby there are antenatal and postnatal classes. With elderly parents, your whole life can be upended with little warning or training. Though perhaps the latter would reinforce even more the idea of it being daughters’ responsibility. Never mind that women may have other pressing calls on their time or simply want to persue early retirement plans they may have put off until they had time and money. Or that they might just want to enjoy a less pressured existence looking after themselves for a change?

And nobody can tell you how this period will last. Should you dash to make that once-in-a-lifetime trip or house extension asap, before things get worse, because it will be a decade if you wait for elderly responsibilities to cease? Or will it be a very sadly short period, leaving you grieving but without the need to be clinging to your phone all the time?

@Abra1t We have only our own parents' experiences to learn from.

My great grandmother spent her final years living with my mum and grandmother. The experience was apparently so bad that my mum swore that she's never care for her own mother at home.

When the time came my grandmother (and her 2nd husband) moved into a nursing home but my parents were living overseas so it was down to me to do most of the visiting.

Now I have my dad in a care home plus mum struggling on at home so running around after both of them whilst my sister now lives overseas.

My DD asked me today if I was going to be as much trouble when I'm that old and I assured her that I'm hoping not to be!

I wish there was more information given from the GP and other agencies about planning for these things earlier in life because there does seem to be a total lack of understanding about the wider impact on carers and family members from the elder generations. The ostrich approach just ends up with the burden falling on to loved ones who have multiple other responsibilities.

a) caring is assumed to be a woman’s issue and we know how high a priority they are given…
b) compared to the previous generation, people are living longer but the additional time is in poor health. As a society we are just not ready yet to have the conversation about what constitutes a good life, a good retirement and a good death.
c) when todays elderly were our age, their own elderlies were dying of pneumonia and infections once they got to a certain stage of frailty. They were less likely to be dealing with ongoing, slow decline. And, for better or worse, if they had dementia they were far more likely to be institutionalised.
d) we all fall prey to “it will never happen to me”.

I agree it does more commonly fall on women. When my grandmother stopped being useful for childcare, my Uncle who encouraged her to move to Scotland away from the rest of her family said to my Mum that he wasn't going to help her so it fell to my Mum. My father did more care than his sister of his mother who had Parkinson's, but she died younger so the time she spent needing help and then nursing care was significantly shorter.

As a society we do need to start having these conversations because the Boomer generation is the largest demographic group so this is going to be a big issue as they all start needing care.

Fear of dying stops us talking about the inevitable, it will happen to us all, but like you say how do we open up a dialogue on what is a good quality of life and a good death? Different for everyone, this is why it is so difficult, I just have to accept that my Aunt is an adult who is making the choice to live the way she is living. Maybe subconsciously or even consciously she is trying to hasten things along so she doesn't have to end up in a nursing home as that is what she wants for her life.

Does anyone have experience of Deferred Payment Arrangements?

Would that potentially help @bizzey‘s DM?

I completely agree there should be better preparation because I’m finding that a large part of the problem is getting the local authority and the NHS to decide who will take responsibility for the poor person, especially when they have tiny savings and the millstone of a house that doesn’t meet their needs any more.

We’re in purgatory after this week’s crisis and hearing the words unsafe discharge but there is no liquid cash for 24 hour care. So I presume I have to ask about Continuing Healthcare and Deferred Payment Arrangements - thank you Mumsnetters for teaching me these words 🙏

My daughter watches with concern too!

Apologies @bizzey it looks like DPAs are only in the event of a care home placement.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/long-term-care/deferred-payment-agreements-for-long-term-care

@funnelfan is right - I’m 100% ready to have the conversation about what constitutes a good life and a good death with my children, DH and my siblings. I’ve been quite open about the challenges of the last few years. I’d sign instructions today to not prolong my own misery and I support assisted dying in the event of poor quality of life (physical or mental) for myself.

But I realise like @Abra1t that my experience has helped me recognise what I wouldn’t rely on or burden my children or DH with.

I understand It’s harder for those who feel closer to that reality and culturally they saw great gran looked after by her daughters. I also recognise it’s hard, having poured all ones extra pennies into buying a home for life but without enough income to also accumulate savings, it’s painful to relinquish the perceived value of that house to fund care - which is not perceived as valuable but is actually valuable in preserving quality of life.

Hello again. It’s a very long time since I’ve been on here - I used to be “toofaroutallmylife”. About 3 years ago I finally got DM in a care home and her house sold. It was a brutal time that left me with a drinking problem that I have now sorted. The care home is local to where she lived, which is a long way from where I live, and I visit about 6-8 weeks.

She has dementia and used to spend all her time asking to go back to her house. Now she just asks won’t one of the family have her to live with them? I know she’s in the best place, but the guilt is brutal. I’ve just spent the last 2 hours crying after my visit to her, and thought I’d check in as to how all the other bad daughters are doing!

That is so tough. I m sorry but don t feel guilty. You are doing the best you can.
The bad daughter here is feeling resentful even after taking the pressure off and having outsourced other help at night time. Giving up one eve mid wk and one night a wkend to stay, it is hard going, esp when form is sometimes argumentative & criticising when I m there. Sending you support

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation and@FiniteSagacity for thinking of me x

It was what Mere posted ,that we were applying for .

I had another email from the case worker to confirm that that is the outcome due to her pension income.

Savings were disregard

As it will take 6 months plus for it to go through...maybe DM could save up the contribution!!

So according to their maths...
DM needs to put away £1k plus a month 😅😅..

Which leaves her the grand total of ...£350 to live off, pay bills, food, and we'll everything 🤣🤣

I haven't told DM anything about this yet 😞..

I am better dealing with it alone rather than having to deal with it and having to deal with DM's reaction .

Have contacted her Social worker to see what they say , as they were the ones that recommend it !

It wasn't us approaching them .

Still , at least the Will, LPA , trust funds and Probate (for when needed )has been sorted.

And ..I have reorganized my " filling system " !! 🤣...

I am now the proud owner of some box files for all of DM's stuff !!

My bedroom is looking more like an office !!