🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Hi, this thread was very supportive to me 18 months ago when we were supporting my Father in law through the last stages of dementia.

We are now very concerned that MIL is going down the same route. It may be extreme anxiety making her confused and forgetful, but I suspect it's more than that. She lives a 3 hour train journey away and I was there this week to accompany her to a routine doctor visit. I was able to mention some of her issues and the doctor has booked her in for a memory assessment next week. They will also do blood tests and if there are any concerns will do a brain scan.

My question is - how important is it for someone to accompany her to the memory test? She's still generally capable of getting herself to appointments, though there have been a number of missed and mixed up appointments. If she missed this one we could book her in for another, so that's not my concern. It's whether she needs someone there or whether, now the memory issues have been raised, we can let her go on her own.

She does minimise her difficulties and did try to slip out to the doctor without me this week after we'd talked about memory and she'd said it was Ok to mention it.

Any thoughts welcomed.

@BishyBarnyBee I am really sorry you're going through this again. I think they normally recommend that someone else attends memory appointments as they like to get the relative/friends answers about what is happening - by it's very nature, those with memory problems aren't their own best witnesses.

PS love your username!

@BishyBarnyBee probably best if someone does go along. My mum could put up a good front "in the moment" and by the time she got home she couldn't remember why she had seen a doctor let alone what had been said.

Thanks, @countrygirl99,@FiveFoxes, that's helpful. I've also had a helpful PM. I will see how the week goes and talk to husband and siblings. If we decide someone should be there, it's easier for me than any of them, but it may be one of them will want to go.

@Patsy7299 Have you heard again from the Aunties, but rich demanding a key and casting judgement on how much you are there, but then not turning up. Did you hear from them again?

@MintyCedric sounds so stressful, very hard when people have capacity, but are making poor decisions that could leave them without the funds they need for their needs. There is another thread on here currently where a Mum is giving thousands to her son and being left without enough to live on. So worrying.

@BishyBarnyBee I would also suggest going along, might hear some misleading statements you could try and correct? Also there will be a full write up a few weeks (?) after sent to her GP with a copy to her and you should try and see it, take a photo and put any comments or correction in writing back to the GP. I did this for MiL who implied ‘family’ did all get shopping and cooking and the occasional gardener she paid via Age U.K. did all sorts - he literally came round 5 times a year and did a bit of weeding. GP didn’t respond to our corrections but they are in file at least.

Hi all! Firstly thanks for the helpful comments on my last thread. I decided to go my holiday. However it’s been rocky. After 4 years of ignoring my mum her sisters asked to see her. I said yes and asked them to contact me to arrange. My cousin that I once trusted took it upon himself to hand out the key box code and they’ve been letting themselves in (I own property) without telling me. I asked them in a group chat to stop but was ignored. They broke the keys and I had to get a new key box fitted and change code.

Unfortunately, when my son was at work and with me away, cousin went to my mums door and started banging on it when he couldn’t get access to key box. We had an argument on the phone and he threatened to phone police and take her to my aunts house. My son gave him code to stop the upsetting of my mum. I have council carers in 3 times a day, plus my son visiting every day and overnight private carers. I was distraught last night and text private carer to see how she was. DM was chatting away and having a cuppa with her. I’m considering calling police myself now as they are causing her (and us) distress. Has anyone done this and could I get a restraining order? Thanks again and hope your troubles are easing!

@Choconuttolata just posted an update. It’s been eventful to say the least!!

Wow, do they have a financial incentive for behaving this way? It seems very invasive and not at all in your Mum's interest for them to be doing this. I also would not be happy with them having the key safe code and access to the house any time they want. I would change the key safe and then speak to police if they persist once you tell them to leave you alone.

I don’t know what their game is. I’m away just now but contacting social work tmrw to ask if they can change code for me.

Just make sure when they are forcing people to give them the key pad code they don't go and get keys cut. They sound unhinged.

They are! That’s a good point, I’ll get them changed.

Hi

Can I join? Struggling a bit and can't really find people who relate. I would find it really helpful to talk to people in similar circumstances, support and be supported.

Welcome @snowfoxglove ☕️
It’s okay not to be okay with the sometimes crappy circumstances we find ourselves in. I’ve found both useful information and solidarity here.

I currently find myself in the position of needing to explore DF’s next step - residential care. So far every place I’ve spoken to is full. Even the one I put his name down for last year - which only has space in their ‘secure wing’ - I’m not sure if I’m saying the wrong things or there genuinely is a shortage.
DF needs nursing level care but no diagnosis (memory clinic referral) meaning he should be in a secure unit.
But DF has had a chaotic last few months where we regularly thought we’d get ‘the call’ and I haven’t said that he’s not yet on board with a move… but district nurses and carers keep saying home visits aren’t enough.

@FiniteSagacity A few things to consider. Who will be visiting DF - neighbours, friends, DM? I mean this kindly, but will you be visiting daily, weekly,fortnightly etc? If he is likely to have fewer visitors, and you aren't gong daily, could you consider widening the radius? Also better to be slightly further away but with good transport links, rather than him be in the countryside with no bus route (for visitors or staff working there). Again , this is going to sound a bit tough, sometimes you are looking for the least worst. And, finally, the absolutely all-singing- all-dancing one with cinema, hairdressing and plush carpets is likely not necessarily the kindest and most cheerful. It's no fun. DM was in one which was 'force-closed' by the Care Commission and we and about 30 other families all had to find spaces elsewhere with three weeks' notice.

Hello @FiniteSagacity I'm in a similar situation with my parent, they need nursing and supervision, carers isn't enough. But are quite sharp mentally and aren't on board with a nursing home either (threatening to kill themself if they are sent to a home, etc). And there's a big waiting list here too. Handhold but no answers Im afraid.

Thanks for the handhold @user14929261 and sending you strength for your own journey. It’s some comfort to feel less alone and to know it’s possibly not me ‘doing it wrong’.

Thanks for the insights @Mum5net - a wider geographical spread is worth us considering as getting DF into somewhere between his children would be ideal really. DF was near me and I was doing most of the running around, currently DF is far from me and so I have insight into the travel being farther away could involve.

Right now I feel like DF still has ups and downs, whenever I think things are possibly settling another crisis happens and I guess I’m half looking so I feel more ready for the next crisis to have some sense of control.

Hello all and welcome to any new folk.

DM is still on her excruciatingly slow decline, but today I had “have you seen my mum” for the first time which made me 😭afterwards.

She was fine (for her) earlier, asking after DH without prompting, having remembered that DH’s mum died last month. It seems to be classic sundowning. I’m really swithering on how long she can stay at home or whether I should be more proactive in looking for residential care. Every time I have this internal debate I end up deciding to wait for the next crisis to force the issue but I don’t know whether that’s just avoidance on my part.

Aaargh.

Just an update. Aunt phoned my son saying my DM was screaming down phone that she didn’t know where she was. She also said I’ve been starving my DM and that I’m neglecting her. I’ve had to fly home early to sort it all out. From my holiday I’ve had to sort more carers and get locks changed and lockbox code changed again. They are getting some sort of kick out of it all but I’ve not engaged with them and have blocked all their numbers.

Hello ..I would like to join this thread please .

I knew it existed and sort of followed!

But now I am in a situation that it would be really nice to have a thread where I didn't have to explain everything all I everything all I wrote again !

Do I have to give a bit of a run down on my situation! ?

DM 85
3 DC 's
1 daughter 😁😁!

Hello !

I think that was my little pathetic cry for a friend!

Hi @bizzey don't worry, we've all had those moments

@Patsy7299 I’m so sorry you’ve had to come home and your son has had an earful. Glad you’re holding your line on not engaging, sending strength.