🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Delurking to say hello! I find this such a supportive thread, and to know I am not on my own is a relief.
my mum is 78 and I am sure is in the early stages of dementia, loses everything, bank cards, forgot to put petrol in her car etc.
Going in for an operation next week and will need carers for a short time afterwards.
her house is an absolute tip, so have pre warned social services, so it will be interesting to see what happens.
She has absolutely stuck her head in the sand and won’t move house, she won’t let us in the house now. I am really at my wits end.
I have cleaned up for her before, but it doesn’t take long for it to get mucky again.
I really don’t have any answers anymore.
plus I have a disabled daughter and work full time as well. It pains me to say I really don’t like her much at the moment 😥
Answers on a postcard please !!!

I think you're onto something there @Juneday! Mine has started mentioning moving into a care home in my city as it would be "easier".

She's nowhere near needing a care home. She doesn't have carers at the moment, just a cleaner. She does all her own shopping and cooking. I've pointed out she'd be several hours away from her friends who then wouldn't be able to visit, or only v infrequently. She's imagining me dropping in all the time to visit and bring her things but the reality is that I have a very full on FT job involving travel plus a child, so she'd just be bored and isolated! But because she isn't interested in my life she has no idea what I spend my time doing.

Of course, she won't contemplate moving near to golden balls DB who works PT, has lots more flexibility at work and more free time than me!

Hopefully with time you’ll be able to trust the care team, and relax, knowing that they’ll ring you if there is a problem.

Talk to the carers as much as you can, just gentle chit chat, get to know them as people. It helps your peace of mind.

@Mistletoewench Social Services won’t worry about the state of the house, it’s common among the elderly when they are finding it hard to cope. Help her get a cleaner if she’ll accept it, otherwise leave her to it

Thank you. Yes I’m hoping that the staff would ring if there was something wrong. All the staff seem kind and friendly, I Suppose it’s just early days yet for me. Thank you for the new thread it’s s lifeline.

Hello, I received some good advice and kind words from some of you last year, probably under a different name but who knows!

DDad is 88, on his own going on 8 years since DMum died.
He is increasingly frail and rarely if never leaves the house.
I do weekly shopping, fight him on washing and cleaning, he won't have a cleaner. The hardest thing is trying to keep on top of the garden, have tried to get a gardener but no-one is interested.

I work FT but do have flexibility, but am an hour away.
I ring everyday as I know he is isolated and realistically one day he won't answer or call back.

I want him to be comfortable but he fights me constantly on helping with washing and cleaning I'm fed up with it.

I love my Dad and want to care for him but he resists, so frustrating 😥

Thank you for giving me a place to vent x

Not sure if this is the right place for me to be but here goes...DM moved into a care home yesterday straight from hospital following a fall a couple of months ago. She has dementia and has become increasingly mentally and physically frail over the last year.

Mixed feelings...we have been trying to get social care to agree to a care home place for a couple of years now as it has been one crisis after another while DM was at home. I know she will be safer, cared for etc and it is 100% the right place for her.

I just feel so sad, she is leaving the home myself and my brothers all grew up and I feel our time spent together will be so very different now. She believes she had just been moved to another hospital for more respite care and we aren't correcting her as it makes her too upset, she believes she is not old and doesn't need to be in a care home with other old people.

Not sure what I am after here but just maybe a hug and a hand hold x

Welcome newbies and lurkers. We get it. @MamaGarl85 hand hold from me, and a hug. Gin or cake too.

@MamaGarl85 It seems to me that losing the family base is something that's often glossed over, despite most of us experiencing it. I never really thought about it when my remaining parent left ours to get married again, but it definitely made a difference to our lives not to have that default informal gathering place or guaranteed bed for the night.
I hope your mum settles.

Thanks for replying to me, I doubt a cleaner would go in there to be honest. It’s just such a worry

I love my Dad and want to care for him but he resists, so frustrating. To accept it, he'd have to admit he was on the one-way decline to complete loss of autonomy and everything he holds dear in life.

I still feel desperately sad that I no longer have the right to go and enjoy the garden I grew up in.

@MamaGarl85 This will pass. Just hold in there, remind yourself she's safe, and do what you need to look after yourself.

My dad is now very frail, but is content that he's warm and comfortable and being fed.

@Mistletoewench There are companies that specialise in cleaning the houses of hoarders, so there are cleaners out there who will tackle a difficult house. Try looking at companies rather than self employed cleaners.

@Mistletoewench I hope this won't happen, but prepare yourself for the possibility that anaesthetic and a hospital stay might trigger a step down in her condition.

she believes she is not old and doesn't need to be in a care home with other old people.

Ha! PaBint insisted that everyone else in his care home was considerably older and frailer than he was. They definitely weren't.

Ah thank you for this Mere, she'll put on clean clothes to go out, well by clean I mean not covered in food and mud, so normal for her.

Your DM sounds as though she's at the stage mine is, minus the cleaner. She moved from a place 100 miles away she and my late DF had retired to, which she hated, and seized at the chance to move close to me 'to help' when I had a cancer diagnosis over 3 years ago at the end of 2020. I was too unwell to consider the implications properly and it's been a disaster. She hates it here, is very isolated and I've tried my very best to try and get her involved with groups and activities which are just disregarded immediately as she would rather moan. The town she hated has now been rewritten as perfect and she is very unhappy. She has taken out her frustration on me with some shocking rows and our relationship is very strained to put it mildly. Like yours, mine has no interest in my life but thinks I'm constantly fully available. You're absolutely right to discourage it.

Thanks for all your replies. I am dreading her needing further care or a permanent pendant. We are already on call for my Fil with his needs and pendant, I think this would just tip us over the edge. Plus the ongoing care for my disabled child (who is an absolute joy and I don’t begrudge for one minute) just filled with dread for the future
It’s feels good to vent in a safe place ❤️

This exactly. I get it, I really do, it makes me so sad.

Hope you're doing ok after your cancer treatment @Fantasea.

The one saving grace in my situation is that DM wouldn't be able to afford to come and live near us, unless it was a care home. She lives in a very cheap area, but with limited employment available locally, which is why I originally moved away. I'm now in a very expensive area and there's no way the sale of her house would buy probably even a flat where we are.

So at least I'm saved that! I've only seen her 3-4 times a year for years, we don't really get on and I have no desire to see her more often so the thought of her being in the same city and moaning about not being visited multiple times per week(!) fills me with horror!

I'm doing very well with my treatment, thank you for asking.

Oh thank heavens for that, I can understand your relief! DD and I used to visit DM every single school holiday, and twice in the summer, for the 20 years she lived in the new town so to go from 7 times a year to seeing her even a few times a week is a big difference. Her moving here was a grave mistake but one we can't undo.

This 100%

We live 2 hours away from DM so we always knew we could stay with her / at her house and there are so many memories connected to the house and garden.

Hi there mama. I feel it’s a difficult time all around when a parent goes into care I found it very emotional for loads of different reasons.
I didn’t have the problems you’ve got with the family home but I can empathise with your feelings. These feelings will fade with time. Just try to concentrate on the positives, your mum is where she needs to be.
My mum, has been in a home now since December, she tells me every time I visit that she doesn’t belong there, even though she’s the oldest resident at 92.
The way I see it is now I can visit mum
and talk about family, friends , what’s happening in the world, instead of visiting her home and having to clean, look through paperwork, check her medication etc etc.
My mum has deteriorated in the home and now understands she couldn’t manage at home and hasn’t asked about her flat for a few weeks now. Your mum will settle down eventually. It’s a very difficult time, just keep telling yourself it’s for the best. Take care.

Bumbling along with my parents.

Yesterday mum expressed regret that they hadn't moved to more suitable housing 5 years ago. Now she feels she's too old to move so stuck in a 4 bedroom house whilst dad is in a care home. I'm not sure I have the energy to organise a move plus she's dismissed all the suitable properties I've ever managed to find.

Next milestone is dad's 80th birthday in early March. He's been sleeping a lot lately which I worry about. Last weekend he asked for the first time when he'd be going home.

Delurking. Need to tell DM in the next couple of days that it's time to move to nursing care (needs nursing + dementia, can't manage alone) as well. She doesn't have capacity to understand her condition and thinks she can manage. She will refuse but there's no option. I don't know how to even have the conversation.

And losing the house I grew up in too, it's lovely and it's more of a home than my own house, with all the memories of my family😢

I am now back from my mum's and found that my time with her was quite traumatic. She seems unable to comprehend the impact that our whole situation is having on me and I find it really difficult. And she can't sympathise or support. I it's been 14 months now since my dad died and 10 months since my mum's diagnosis. She's been proven to have capacity so clearly she's in the early stages and I'm already finding at this difficult! 🙈