🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@bizzy Would a walk-in bath work for your DM? This would appear to be a more affordable option than a wet room. Also easier to convert back to a more normal bathroom again at a later date. Wet rooms don't add anything to a house's sale value. (When late FILs house was sold, money was taken off the value of the house to reinstate bathroom).
Delurking to join the bad daughter corner. I suspect the DM has told the neighbours that I hardly ever visit. Last time DH and I were there and due to take her out, we had to hide in the house until the neighbours had gone before going out in the garden. Very strange behaviour.

@catndogslife thank you.
Yes I had thought about that as well for her ..as she does like the feeling of having her feet soaking in water sort of thing.

It is just they mentioned wet room/same level access shower and at the time thought if was free (!!🤣🤣) so didn't want to look to fussy !

Taps would need re arranging as she wouldn't be able to lean forward to reach them.

Heartbreaking situation for DM .

She came from a very poor upbringing where all they had was a sink to wash at.

She was 32 before she moved into a property with a bath and did not have to shared facilities 😞.

@bizzey your DM might be able to get a grant to help her either via the Disabled Facilities or there are local organisations and charities that do grants too. The Occupational therapist can refer I think as can social prescribers. Some links on here:

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/illness-and-disability/funding-to-adapt-your-home-for-accessibility

https://independenceathome.org.uk/

@Choconuttolata thank you.

It is the DFG that are saying she has to pay £6k + up front .

They base it on income .
Which doesn't make sense .
As the income , comes in annually and they have not offered us a monthly repayment plan with the excess owing taken from the Estate when the time comes .

I reckon it could reduce the house price by about 20k ?

Siblings and I would rather DM has comfort and safety than an extra few coffers in our pocket !

Just want to say ...thank you for letting talk about it here !

I am literally alone doing all this and no one to bounce ideas off or have rant 😁!

@bizzey sorry if this is obvious but have you tried talking to any companies about how much a bathroom revamp might cost? My parents’ bathroom was redone for £6k all in about two years ago - took out the bath, put in a walk in shower, shifted position of shower and sink, replaced sink, toilet, and floor and wall tiles. It was B&Q who offer a bathroom design service and installation. Really good value. The only downside was we had to wait 6 months and my Dad had to pay half in advance - sometimes I wondered if he would live long enough to use his new bathroom - but the time rolled around and it all went ok. That was 2 years ago so they’ve had good value out of it and he’ll be 96 this summer…
It might cost less than you think, if you shop around…

@MotherOfCatBoy thank you.

I will look around.

Trouble is ...she does not have any money !

She is asset rich (house) just not cash rich !

The problem with walk in baths is you have to get into and out of them when they are empty. That's a lot of sitting around getting chilled while water runs in or out.

I'd definitely ask a few ordinary bathroom companies for costs - they might be able to do a step-free or very-low-step shower for less than a full wet room.

Would a walk in bath have a shower head attachment to the taps ?

Then she could just sit and shower with the hand held attachment.

As long as it was sideways to her as opposed to Infront of her .

All my official people are out of office till Tues/wednesday.

Can't do anything till then.

Firemen are booked though for the fire alarm/safety check !

We got a walk in bath for my DM. She has chronic arthritis and couldn't lift her leg to get into the shower. We thought the bath would be easier to get into, but the step in is just as high, about 5 inches. Also the door is an additional obstacle.

Getting out was terrifying for her because the bottom of the bath was very slippy, and she is very unsteady on her feet. She cut her foot on the bottom of the door trying to get out of the bath on 2 separate occasions.
She won't go near it now. It cost £6k and she has used it a total of 4 times, which is £1500 a bath. It was a big mistake for us.

There is a separate shower head in the bath so you can sit under it or hold it to wash your hair.

I can't thank you all enough for all your bits of information!
They are really helping me to clear the big panicked fog in my head !

He ould not be able to cope with anything but a wet room .

Walk in
Sit down
Shower.

She is going to need assistance in a year or 2 ( soon !)
And the shower is going to be the easiest way.

I took her away for a weekend and she loved the adapted wet room !

My parents had a walk in shower put in. They looked at walk in baths as mum was adamant she wasn't giving up her bath but they realised they are a lot of faff. Now she insists she's always preferred shower and hated baths.

We’re in the middle of planning to replace the bath with a walk in shower here - in our own house - I like a bath but the only shower is currently over the bath and I recognise that will get more difficult. More and more friends are doing the same and replacing baths with showers - according to the bathroom planner it’s getting more common so I wouldn’t worry overly about it devaluing the house.

My DM's new walk in shower is very good.

The shower was already there, they took the bath out, put in a 2/3rd length shower tray, very low level a half height walk in shower surround (Impey, would def recommend), a fold up decent chair with proper legs and arms.

But DM is 87 and has enjoyed her baths up to now. I wouldn't have wanted to do this 15 years before it was needed. As it was it was completed the day after she came home from 4 weeks in hospital.

... for standing in the shower we can still use the pre-existing shower curtain inside the half height surround. But for DM's carers, the half height surround means they can assist easily without getting wet.

@TeenDivided ...that is interesting 🤔.

Forgot to say thank you 😁!

I've just found this thread, feeling a bit desperate to talk to people who understand, and it looks like I might have found the right place! My mother is 81 and after my brother died, she was on her own with no family or anyone nearby to help, getting steadily less able, so we spent a year arranging for her to move out to live with us abroad. She asked to, for years she's said she wanted to, and the support from another country was just unfeasible and getting worse.

So now we are living together and due to move into a house where she will have her own little house, separate but together. But fuck me, it's hard. She has been unhappy, well, forever, but the last year or so was convinced she would be happy once she was out with us because she was alone and she couldn't cope. And now she's here and of course, she's not happy. And I need to build some personal boundaries to deal with it - the passive aggression, the resentment she now feels, I've been dealing with everything on her behalf for some time but now she's having everything from dinner cooked, life admin dealt with, washing done, suddenly she says she's bored and can't believe she left her friends and home town. She lived a VERY solitary life so I thought that having a similar set up (little house, garden, her cat) but right next to us would be better, but now she has those basic requirements taken care of, she is acting as if she's a different person, needing more stimulation, hobbies and outings than she wanted before. She keeps saying 'we never talk any more, just you and me' because of course now we live together, with my partner and son, whereas before I would call her every day.

There's so much to say, and to moan about, but for now I'm just looking forward to popping in to this thread and letting go of some of the guilt. And seeing other people deal with the combination of becoming a parent to someone, and still feeling like their child. I hear of people reaching a 'ripe old age' into their nineties and currently feel terrified that she might. I haven't articulated that before, but hopefully you understand!

I just need to get this out somewhere as no one in real life understands. The consultant has told us that my Mum's Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia (CLL) is getting to a stage where treatment will be needed later this year. She has Alzheimer's and lives alone, without carers apart from me at the moment as she is just about managing.

I am worried about the effect the treatment will have on her- side effects etc- and how she will cope with this. I am also (selfishly) worried about the massive additional load on me. I am not sure her consultant knows she has Alzheimer's. I couldn't tell her as Mum was with me and doesn't 'know' her diagnosis as she got very very upset last time it was mentioned. I did tell the consultant about the Donepezil in the hope she'd know what it's for!

It was bad enough when Mum had treatment last time round and my Dad was still alive. Even then I was involved in late night hospital trips because she'd got a temperature. Now I don't even know how I'll know.

Also there's a part of me, having seen the latter stages of Alzheimer's and care homes with FIL, that wishes this would be the end for her and wonders if treatment is the right option. But I don't want her to suffer. I never thought I'd look back on my Dad's heart attack and be glad that he died so suddenly, but I do now.

Also the GP told me when I first took Mum in with memory issues that it could have been caused by CLL/ the treatment for CLL. I am worried that the worsening condition and then the treatment will accelerate the Alzheimer's.

Sorry just feeling quite down about it all today!

@FiveFoxes I would recommend you contacting the consultants secretary and letting them know about the Alzheimers diagnosis and why you didn't mention it at the appointment. Consultants are specialists within their field, but wouldn't necessarily know what the medication mentioned was.

I’m so sorry.
My mum has both multiple myeloma and now acute myeloid leukaemia—probably not long to live. The load is heavy even when they have mental capacity. I used to darkly joke to my husband that I would predecease her with the strain. Not now, of course.

Do have a word with the haematology team. There might be a good specialist nurse there too.

@lucycoco I just wanted to say that I quite often think, oh god, is my mother going to be one of those that lives to their mid-nineties and the prospect is horrifying. I've googled life expectancy with her condition (dementia, very limited mobility) so many times that it now auto fills for me.

The world seems to divide into those that would say, how horrible, I'd do anything to have another day with my late mum, looking after a parent is the greatest privilege you can be lucky enough to experience. Etc, etc.

Or, and that covers people on this board and others, you will get a nod of recognition and reassurance that what you think is completely understandable and normal. There's even, whisper, the use of the expression 'dead parent envy' - where a friend loses their parent to a painless mid-eighties, living independently and healthily, nocturnal heart attack and you, yes, envy them.

@catndogslife @Abra1t Thank you. I will call up the consultant's secretary nearer the next appointment when treatment will be discussed and let them know. I will leave it until then so I can be accurate regarding her current condition.

@Sittingontheporch I am so glad you said that about googling life expectancy. I thought I was the only one.