🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Choconuttolata i can’t begin to imagine how stressful this is for you. I am also horrified but sadly not surprised how hard it is to get the various agencies and doctors involved, unless there was a fall or illness that meant 999 got called. Often that starts the ball rolling, but don’t wish that on anyone of course.

Capacity is a tough one, before MiL was seen in person by a social worker she had been sent home from hospital by staff who said she had capacity. It wasn’t a doctor assessment and she has already been diagnosed with dementia, so dementia alone does not mean no capacity. But eventually a social worker arranged to visit and DH insisted he met her there, which she had said wouldn’t be necessary …. Within 10 mins she realised MiL needed way more help.

Could you organise some food deliveries? Would your aunt give bank details for payment? Is there any meals on wheels service? If there is a rodent issue did you go through the council environmental health - one it is free (or used to be) and two there are things they could possibly trigger too.

the forms for attendance allowance are lengthy, there are some charities that help with this - worth investigating for your aunt 🤞

When MiL had memory assessment DH came home with details of all the charities and local authority day centres etc. It would be great if your GP could help and persuade her to have the memory assessment.

good luck.

Thanks Juneday.

I have spoken to Age UK who can help with the attendance allowance forms, but I need to get Aunt to allow them to visit to do them which will be an issue.

I could organise food delivery, but she won't be able to lift it in to put it away and she doesn't want to let anyone in the house. She won't eat meals on wheels as she has very disordered thinking around food. She won't consider having a carer to shop for her and bring food in, I have asked multiple times. Basically I think she is worried people will see how bad she really is and she will get taken out of her home.

Both social care and GP have said that she can refuse memory clinic and a memory assessment if she has capacity. I requested the GP complete a cognitive assessment, but they have washed their hands and told me to keep going with social care.

Social care will no doubt sort the vermin issue with the council once they go in, I am hoping she lets them in the door because it could all get very difficult otherwise.

I suspect they will end up either doing a mental health assessment and go down that route or it will be a crisis eventually. Very hard.

It’s very sad and frustrating ‘her own worst enemy’ my mother would say. But I know my DM will be difficult when she needs help. She had a while invented scenario of a family who will live in her house for free and be so pleased to live in such a lovely house that they will look after all the needs of her and or my DF or both! As and when needed. I stupidly suggested some flaws in that idea but have decided to let it drop. DF got the wrist band falls alarm but DM will only wear it when she thinks she might fall??

we had same issue with food deliveries for MiL so luckily for her we live near and I worked part time. Between DH & I we did all the food shopping. (And I did a lot more besides after fall and before nursing home, but not fit as long as many on here - who have my admiration). I hope it doesn’t have to be a crisis but expect you are right.

off to the empty flat now just to pick up post and have check on everything…

Definitely her own worst enemy, refused to consider moving nearer to family, but no local support other than kind neighbour. We cook meals and take them to my Dad and see him sometimes daily or at least every other day because he is nearby. I tried to get her to accept a falls button or even a new phone she could actually use to phone us and she refuses outright.

I hope your Mum will see the light, the magical thinking and wishing for everything to just be ok is hard to navigate.

I am so sorry for everyone going through such a hard time. My mum is saying yes to carers one minute and no the next, demanding it’s me to stay then telling me to go. I’ve looked after her constantly since my dad passed and she just told me she doesn’t need me and not to stay tonight and was horrible then when carer came in was as nice as pie. Can’t remember my dad passing or that she doesn’t drive anymore but can be spiteful to me who is staying all weekend with her. I’m hurt, angry and fed up. Sorry for the rant 🥲

That sounds really hard Patsy, can you take yourself of for periods of time during the weekend to get some fresh air and head space or do you have to be there continuously?

I’m going a walk tmrw for sure! It’s the way she turns on me 🥲 and asking for people who died about years ago! I’m depressed enough!!

Wish me luck! My 2 aunts are coming to see my mum today. Not spoken to them in years as they didn’t reach out when my dad was ill or when he passed away. They have already been on the phone questioning why I’m not there 24/7 and want keys to her house when I go away or for when I’m at work!

@Patsy7299 hand over your own keys and say thanks for taking over. I’m done.
I know it’s not that easy really but it would be good for aunts to do a day of everything so they have a window into your world and the level of need.

Good luck today @Patsy7299 it sounds stressful and I hope you get some respite soon and time to yourself. Don't take too much nonsense from the Aunties either!

Hi all…I’m back…with the continuing saga of Mum and the fecking ‘carer’🤬

Have only had a quick read of thread so far. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected, and sorry to hear you’re dealing with a poorly DH @MereDintofPandiculation.

So, some of you will remember my mum forming an inappropriate relationship with my dad’s companion carer when dad was on end of life in 2020/21. It blew up massively just after dads funeral between me and mum, largely settled with a few bumps in the road and thought she was on an even keel by mid ‘22.

I then discovered in the early autumn that there had been some physical stuff going on between them so reported him to social services. I had various messages indicating my mums unhealthy fixation with him and his complete lack of effort to shut it down but they both denied anything was happening. No action by SS or police and his employer gave him a smack on the wrist and retraining following a brief suspension and that was that.

He was unable to see my mum again through the agency and retired completely six months later, but has continued to visit fortnightly. She is just as obsessed as ever. I have told her I don’t want to hear anything about him which obviously she ignores but does exercise more restraint than she used to.

I was helping mum out with some tech last week and noticed a bank transfer to him and asked what it was for. She replied that it was ‘personal’ and ‘none of my business’.

I’ve been able to do a cursory further check and it appears that it was a one off, however she is always keen to have cash in the house so I suspect she is paying him for his fortnightly visits. I know he suggested a private arrangement when he was considering retiring.

I’ve also found text messages from her to him telling him she loves him and alluding to their relationship or whatever it is involving more than tea and chitchat.

I have no idea what to do with this information, if anything. It’s clear he’s taking advantage, but equally she seems happy (if deluded) and is definitely of sound mind apart from a blind spot where this absolute arsehole is concerned.

I know she has left him a sum of money in her Will which I’m not thrilled about but it’s not ridiculous and it’s her money. She wanted him to be reserve POA but thankfully I’ve managed to talk her out of that.

Just venting really but if anyone has any suggestions of if/how to deal with this I’d love to hear them.

Wondering if there’s anything I can put in place via a solicitor now in the event of her making any outrageous decisions in future or anything cropping up after the inevitable happens.

Well they never showed up. I’ll never allow them to do it to my wee mum again. She was excited to see them and I am so angry/upset for her 🥲

Unbelievable! They want a set of keys, but don't turn up.

Isn’t it! Just makes it easier for me to cut all ties and look after my mum as best I can with the support of my son and carers.

Delurking to respond to Minty - might it be enough ££ to the carer that he might need to pay tax? Worth flagging up to HMRC? If she gifts him over a certain amount a year then dies in the next 7 years you need to know about it to make sure it’s account for with probate.

You would know best whether you say nothing and go with the first, or warn her to find out how much he’s getting. Or do nothing and someone else comes up with a better idea.

He sounds such an opportunist - could he be doing it to other women? The obvious thing to say is that if feelings are mutual then no one needs “paying” and if they’re not, then ugh.

I hope someone else on here has better ideas. I did see your thread about moving. Hugely tempting.

@InterestQ assuming she's paying him that amount regularly in cash, no, I can't imagine it would impact his tax liability and definitely wouldn't affect probate. There's no proof anyway if the rest of the payments are in cash in hand. Just a nice little top up for his pension. I know she offered to pay for a private medical consultation for him recently but she claims he refused (she told me about that one).

The obvious thing to say is that if feelings are mutual then no one needs “paying” and if they’re not, then ugh.

Well, quite. Mum has some weird thinking around money and control though which is why this probably doesn't seem like an issue to her. When I confronted her about it her response was to say 'if it bothers you I'll give you the [same amount]...'

The money is the obvious bit. I don't love all that obviously because I think he's taking the piss but sadly that's not illegal. It's the impact on her wellbeing that is the issue that worries me most - both mental and physical.

I did see your thread about moving. Hugely tempting.

I'm hoping to spin it out for another year or two for my own reasons, but if it comes to the crunch all this is making it a damn sight easier tbh.

@Patsy7299 I am so sorry to read that- poor you, and your poor mum.
@MintyCedric checking in (as a thread graduate) to say I’m sorry to see you back here dealing with some of the same issues. Are you still contemplating buying a place with your dm? Like so often said on here, your dm has capacity to make poor decisions….. just think about your boundaries.

@Patsy7299 I was retelling story to SiL about how MiL went off on a nasty rant to DH who has done so much more gut her than anyone, she also said I was the worst DiL in the world. It’s a horrid time but it seems to a common theme, although it might not help, o don’t believe it us really meant.
@MintyCedric a friend was on jury service where a career had received multiple extra thank yous - they lost in court. I also know a true dad story of a career of an adult with learning difficulties taking them to a cash point every week. The sad thing was that career was well liked and good at the job, but on just above minimum wage they have in to temptation. Long story short, I have been reporting scammers to FB , who do sod all! King Charles has many fake profiles all lined up to scam old ladies. I suspect the Carers employers can’t get the staff - so without proof of gross misconduct they won’t act.

can you start LPoA process …. Call her bank etc. 🤞

Typos - apologies.

Do you have PoA @MintyCedric ? If so you can track her finances and step in; if not, it’s very difficult and I’m not sure there’s much more you can do than try to talk sense into her. Sorry you’re going through this.

On moving - do it. You’d have so much more psychological breathing space.

She’s just redone the PoA and is about to submit it to be signed off.

I’m just so much in two minds about everything atm.

Minty, is your DM still into power tools and practical stuff or is she too frail? Could she join one of those Men’s Shed projects as a ‘guest’ and find herself a whole lot of interesting new connections to divert her from then carer? Being surrounded by lots of men, instead of just one might give her a new motivation?

@Mum5net

Haha…I like your thinking but a bit of painting is about her limit these days.

Tbh I don’t think anything is going to sort this out.

I keep debating going round there and confronting them both together…

I even bought a tiny camera when it all really kicked off a couple of years ago to gather evidence - it’s still sealed in its box but that’s occurred to me too.

I'm aware of how batshit this sounds…

Tbh I don’t think anything is going to sort this out.
I think that's your answer. Acceptance that you can't make her do what you want her to do. You are now just seeking the 'least worse' solutions. If he's going to be given cash, then can you cap the source? Can you prevent her taking out equity release by hiding the title deeds?
Joking aside, I think there is mileage in introducing her to other 'eligible' men. I have no idea why I'm saying that as I don't know your DM but I think they will float her boat more than anything else you have in your armoury.

I have no idea why I'm saying that as I don't know your DM but I think they will float her boat more than anything else you have in your armoury.

You may well be right.

The irony is my mum was always quite the prude. Married just shy of her 35th birthday with only one partner prior to that.

She’d always make a song and dance (not in a good way) if my dad tried to give her a cuddle at the kitchen sink. They didn’t share a bed - or even a room - regularly for decades, which mum blamed on dad’s job but that always seemed like a bit of an excuse.

I know he would have a loved a more physically affectionate marriage, so the fact that she’s carrying on like this with this twat and that it started while my dad was on his death bed makes me angrier and causes more pain than I can put in to words.

If she’d met a normal, decent bloke six months after dad had passed away, I wouldn’t have given a monkeys.