🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@NNoBinturongsHereMate Oh wow. That's so awful. If you have the energy to, I think that warrants a serious complaint.

That's dreadful. Could PALS help tie the threads together?

I've dug out the latest cancer treatment targets, and he's well over, so Mum's getting PALS on the case.

@NoBinturongsHereMate FFS indeed! Makes me furious the lack of communication within the NHS and your poor DM having to try and sort it, my DM would not manage that at all. I know a cardiologist, he does mostly private work with some NHS hours. often cardio and surgeons are working both in NHS and private with different timetables to align. Leaving someone in pain is wrong and wicked.

when MiL had take home heart monitor for 4 days, I took it back for her and somehow the results vanished, weeks later she received a letter stating that she refused to comply! When they cancelled her hearing test, she got a new appointment at a different hospital threatening that if she cancelled again they could refuse a further appointment. There doesn’t seem to be a letter that apologises when they caused both problems not MiL. 🙁🤔. So much time wasted due to poor communication but far worse when needed treatment is delayed.

PALS gets a gold star. Email explaining the problem sent last night, and they'd contacted cardiology before 8am today.

Whether they'll be able to resolve it remains to be seen, but I'm very impressed by their responsiveness.

Fingers crossed, NoBinturongs.

@Juneday The lack of communication seems to be getting worse. My DM (who sadly passed away at the end of Feb) was referred to a private provider for a cataract operation. They did the pre-op but on the day of the procedure, after my poor mum had got herself in an anxious tizzy etc, they cancelled it because of her pacemaker (which they knew about at the pre-op). They referred her back to the NHS - or did they?

Trying to chase it up as my mum gradually lost her sight was so frustrating - the NHS said private hospital hadn't referred it back and couldn't do anything until they did, private hospital assured me it had been referred back. Round and round we went, chasing our tails. It still hadn't been resolved 12 months later when my mum died - one less person on the waiting list to be dealt with. I'm still flippin' annoyed about it.

@MissMarplesNiece I have written to my very pro active MP about the time and money wasted on similar issues which are upsetting at times especially with elderly confused relatives. I had similar with my daughter who being under 16 at referral had to go to a clinic on a different day to over 16s, leading up
to GSCEs waiting for diagnosis of immune disease …. They ‘lost’ the referral 3 times and by the time we saw her consultant the exploratory colonoscopy etc would have been two weeks before exams. We went private and the same consultant saw her within a week, gave her mild GA and came straight out unofficially confirmed her diagnosis and then he sorted her follow up on NHS. He was so kind and understanding… thankfully. But without DH private health through work, who knows…. I look back and realise she had presented with symptons for years but bern dismissed as tummy bugs until a newly qualified GP made the referral that got lost 3 times, she chased up as did the practise manager, but hospital kept blaming the GP practise!!

@Mum5net Not sure if this is possible in your situation but my DH cleared out a family home for sale, an absolutely huge job, and he charged an hourly fee to his brothers. Not a huge amount, but it came out of the eventual sale price.

The place looks very nice and Springlike Dint, thank you.

I am pledging solidarity while nibbling on candied cockroaches. The state of the NHS and social care is going to have to be dealt with by the next government as a priority. The elderly and the (mainly) women caring for them have to be part of whatever plans they have for the future.

@Poettree Excellent suggestion, thank you. Fortunately it’s empty and everything already distributed. He’s confirmed some of his details. Not looking forward to it.

Hello all. This thread was suggested a few wks ago when thought I could do it alone. I' m sorry I m so late arriving, but i m here and in the total thick of it....but I think I ve found my tribe !!! Please can I join ?

Hi and welcome @Notappreciatedonebit feel free to help yourself to tea/gin/cake as needed.

@Notappreciatedonebit welcome - and a large slice of cake 🍰 for most apt username!

I’m currently licking my wounds after another day with DF (which involves a long journey and spending time and my money trying to solve his problems) for the umpteenth time in a month.

DF was more himself for the first time in a month and I realised he is just a very self-absorbed, demanding, ungrateful person. I know he is uncomfortable and doesn’t like the lack of control or that he needs carers to help him but there is no good grace or filter at all.

Only seeing my other lovely family makes it worth bothering with him. I can’t avoid some admin but I’m giving myself next weekend off.

Welcome @Notappreciatedonebit . Good idea to have a break @FiniteSagacity - the lack of filter seems to be common at a certain age and doesn’t help the situation. I can imagine my DM being similar, if she was on her own.

MiL is going to assessed again for possible CHC, online meeting with DH invited again - MiL has no capacity but last time the DST assessor asked if she could be brought into the conversation on ‘teams’ - MiL hadn’t a clue and thought DH had been sent to prison and all sorts of bizarre rants. She is now less aware or asleep, who knows whether she will be asked to join in or not….

DH plans to visit her tomorrow but I have stopped as she is either asleep or gets very agitated. I actually don’t think she likes/trusts many women anyway, but she confused me with her first husbands other women. Which was not fun for any of us in the room. Of course I knew it wasn’t aimed at me personally, but I am not chancing her getting so angry and distressed again. I have explained to DH and he understands.

Filled out a care assessment request for one elderly relative (early 80s, frail, multiple health and mobility issues) yesterday. Really should also be doing so for her husband (mid 80s, very frail too) and/or a carer's assessment for him, but, well, capacity and consent...

I don't know how this will go as they're not close to me and - despite age and frailty - independent. Sight, hearing, cognition all fine I'd say.

They've put all sorts of things in place with the help of a (council? NHS? Not private anyway) OT - walking frames, stairlift, toilet frames etc, have a cleaner and have a hot lunch delivered. Warm and fed and they & house clean and tidy.
Officially housebound, says the GP so Dr visits them.

They've done really well TBH. (Aside from the unused car still being insured for HOW MUCH??!! which never moves off the drive but there you go).

I know a lot of people on here would swap them for their own in a trice!

Trouble is - and this is why I suspect my rellie phoned me up in distress yesterday - their much loved cleaner wants to retire, her husband in the garden is a big fall risk, and, well, they're both old and frail and vulnerable and (understandably) picky about who they have in the house.

It is all ok now but hanging by a thread. I can see why she's worried and wants carers or even live-in, (I'm not blind to why her reserved and proud husband isn't keen, who likes people in your own space...).

Hopefully at the very least the assessor can help them find/arrange trustworthy care/cleaner/gardener/helpers.

ALSO I would like to have a grumble here at how iPhones can be a right pain if fingerprint recognition simply Does Not Work if your hands are too old and knackered. Don't think they tested biometrics on the old, but it's going to be more & more of an issue!

Thanks to all the advice on here I know just to do what is possible and otherwise just try not to worry too much as the crisis may or may not come.

@MysterOfwomanY just as an aside, I think iPhones will still take a keypad six digit unlock if you insist on programming it that way. It’s how I do mine. I used to do fingerprint but when they removed the little circle where you place your finger and went instead towards facial recognition unlock, I stuck with a number code - I think you still can. Pros and cons either way of course but the option should be there.

Cheers, she was talking about getting a new one so might mention that when it comes to it.
Luckily I've always had Android so can claim ignorance!

No prob @MysterOfwomanY it’ll be under the Settings menu, Face ID and Code.

Found this thread from the elderly parents one! DM discharged following a stroke with some confusion. Carers twice daily for meds and tea/toast and I’m doing everything else. She is becoming more demanding and asking if I’m staying every night which is impossible but I’m staying at least 2. Looking at respite so I can have a break. Feelings of guilt overwhelming 🥲

@MysterOfwomanY
I still use a six digit code to get into my iPhone. I seem to remember the phone was VERY keen for me to use something else when I first set it up though!

Welcome. Sorry about your mum - we often say here it’s a marathon not a sprint. Is staying over two nights a week sustainable for you for the rest of your mums life? If not then maybe it’s worth asking for a reassessment of her carer needs on the basis you can’t do it any more.

The guilt comes with the territory. I dealt with mine after reading another poster on here who said she could give up her life entirely, move in with her parent and dedicate her life to them 24/7 and it still wouldn’t be enough. So you have to decide what is reasonable for you, and your own family if you have partner/kids, then stick to it. I have a “good enough” philosophy where mum is safe and warm, fed and watered and clean. I pay her bills and arrange essential maintenance. Anything else is a nice to do that I’ll do only if I’m feeling up to it, and most of the time these days I’m not. I also find exhaustion helps to dull the guilt.

I’ve also not posted the bill of personal rights for a while. It’s used in a therapy setting, but it’s a useful reminder for us carers that we matter too. https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf

@MysterOfwomanY on the cleaner front, Help the Aged often have people who they have vetted and work with elderly - they are often very popular and may be a waiting list but worth giving your local Help the Aged a call?

my DM sings the praises of her cleaner, we haven’t met her but my DS & I are not sure about her - she recently asked DM if her daughter and her boyfriend could live into my parents annexe for a while - something about their new house not being ready? We found this odd, don’t they have friends and family? Luckily DM said no. DS are visiting together in a few weeks and will be around when the marvellous cleaner arrives - we won’t say anything but are keen to meet her.

Also, it can take more than one fingerprint, so what you can do is register the same fingerprint twice to give it two goes at recognising it.

Help the Aged are now called Age UK.