🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Oh gosh funnelfan, that's taken a turn. That does sound bad. Your poor DH.

@funnelfan it's a horrible shock when that happens. Every assumption flulies out of the window. MIL went from walking into town and meeting a friend for coffee and a wander round the shops in the morning to a on the floor having had a severe stroke by tea time when FIL came home and found her. He felt so guilty he hadn't been there and I think that really affected him until he died. Watch your DH for all the "I should have realised/done something different/visited more", it won't matter how unreasonable the feelings are he'll probably still kick himself.

@funnelfan so sorry to read your updates. Thinking of you.

Watch your DH for all the "I should have realised/done something different/visited more", it won't matter how unreasonable the feelings are he'll probably still kick himself. IANAD but I too don’t imagine a month or even 6 weeks would have made much difference. So what is important is a truth that you can live with and believe. “If only” does no one any good.

(DH has metastatic cancer, I’m talking from experience).

@funnelfan lots of good advice, and I can understand being angry with GP because it could have been a symptom for so many serious things - surgeons will want to do the right thing, and should communicate fully with your DH if he is able to take it all in. I always think of my lovely Granma this time of year, she was super fit having been sporty all her life and only surgery was for gallstones. An ex nurse with a healthy diet. She had a sudden and fatal heart attack - the shock took a long while to sink in, but the doctor said much to be said for no pain and suffering. 25 years ago this weekend - thinking of her now and her fab homemade cakes and hot chocolate sauce. All happy memories.

MiL no pain (that we know of) but in her head she is not in this world and is often distressed and confused, she is suffering and so is DH having to see her like this. I realise now more than ever what the doctor meant.

New here so marking my place. Just starting this journey with parents who did an Escape to the Country overseas with no family there. One day this will all blow up big time and they haven't planned for it at all.

Welcome @SuperwomansAMyth - I wonder how many will be on same situation one day. Hard enough when they are 3 hours drive away!

I've only just dissuaded DH from doing a similar thing. He got so excited at the notion of downsizing both property and job, and living somewhere cheap hundreds of miles away, that he forgot we still have responsibilities to his dad here, and that when (not if) I become more seriously incapacitated, it might not be ideal to be isolated a long way away from friends and family.

Not sure if anyone would have any ideas, but my dad who moved to Spain over 10 years ago had a massive stroke last summer, mentally he is not too bad although not always weighted in reality. Physically he is paralysed down his left hand side and tube fed as he won't eat enough to maintain himself. He is a Spanish nursing home now after leaving rehab but it is very expensive. Does any one know of any benefits we could claim to help towards the costs. We have applied for attendance allowance from the UK, and filled in forms for Spanish help but according to the Spanish social worker Spanish bureaucracy is very slow and it can take 2 years to go through.

Thanks. It's so stressful. I'm thinking of setting up an appointment with my EAP to talk about it.

My mental health is not good at the moment. My MIL’s cancer has been found to have spread, it’s not operable and so she’s in a nice side room in a ward waiting for the inevitable. DH is with her, seems to be managing ok but I am worried about him as his own mental health has been dreadful recently.

It feels like the “one final thing” that is pushing me over the edge. That and my HRT being messed about with. Feels like my brain just isn’t working properly. Luckily I have a GP appointment on Monday anyway, made weeks ago for the HRT thing.

Oh dear @funnelfan
Dont know what to say really other than, hang in there. I hope this part doesn’t take too long and isn’t too painful. Good job you are seeing the GP. Be kind to yourself, maybe take other things off your plate - treat yourself as you would a friend who was going through a rough patch.

@funnelfan I guess it’s when you jump off the roller coaster only to find you’ve been given a berth on the runaway train…
Sending solidarity and hand hold.

Oh god@funnelfan that sounds tough.

@funnelfan echo all others have said, and hope GP appointment helps with your mental health and HRT - if GP doesn’t suggest it, make yourself a second appointment too just in case you need more time (if appointments are as hard to come by as they are where we live). And maybe you could do same for DH. Don’t know if you are anywhere near a Maggies Centre - they offer great support for families.

@funnelfan I don't have anything useful to contribute except wishing you luck abd strength. DFil died of lung cancer in his 60s and DH is not a demonstrative/expressive person so it was hard to know what to do or what to say which I found really hard as I have too many words most of the time. I wish for you that you can feel supportive as well as dealing with your own grief xx

lots of love for the road ahead

Thanks for the good thoughts. Feel like there’s no one else I can tell - DH has enough on his plate and appears ok that I am not there, he’d rather I was looking after the cat and the house. He knows I’d drop everything and be there if he needed me and that thought appears to be enough for him for the moment.

Told DM about MIL and she was concerned and sympathetic for the five minutes she remembered about it, but her cognitive abilities have worsened recently. DB was recently back in the UK for three weeks but didn’t bother his arse to go and see mum at all (so no weekend off for me), didn’t even bother with a card or flowers for her birthday/mothers day which both occurred during his time at home, so he’s no support at all. And of course, it’s been a bloody nightmare of a week at work. My boss has been fantastic told me to pass on some stuff to a colleague with spare time but the colleague wanted so much bloody hand holding that I ended up spending longer taking her through it than I would have done if I’d just done it myself in the first place.

I’m hoping the GP will sign me off but then I’ll have to deal with the guilt of not getting the work done…

First timer here just looking to chat. 3 weeks ago 87yo DM had a fall. We didn't think she would survive the op but she did and has been recovering well. Today she was transferred back from rehab place to hospital due to chest infection, looks like will return to rehab tonight.
Reasons I'm stressed: DF is 94. I live 100mins from family home and where mum is is a further 80 mins as that is where there was a rehab bed. I have a DD 19 at home with my DH whose MH fell off a cliff in covid and she is struggling with me being way so I'm split in two. The driving is exhausting. The being in the wrong place is exhausting. The arranging everything is exhausting. Not seeing Mum today is exhausting. My DB is with DF enroute home from hospital.

@TeenDivided welcome and a hand hold ☕️
I’ve been on the road a lot for DF and empathise with being torn between him and my teens (DH is with my teens when I’m not there but is excellent at putting himself first).
DF has been in and out of hospital and is not managing with carers in sheltered accommodation (because he is stubborn and difficult). Exhausting is the word.
But my heart goes out to you also juggling your DM and DF who each need you and your DB in different ways 💐

@TeenDivided it is hard. I tend to believe in prioritising the teen tbh (my DS is 17 and in the midst of A levels) but it’s hard when DParents are an hour away. I haven’t had an acute crisis yet, it’s more long term chronic frailty combined with not really facing facts and making good decisions 🙄 but I’m sure the crisis will arrive in time.
In the meantime I try to go to Mum & Dad when I know I’m not taking time away from DS - during the school week etc, making sure I don’t take away from weekends or family holidays. But sometimes you just don’t have the choice. And it’s just me, I’m an only child, but DH is great at home.

I find the only thing that helps is talking about it frankly at home. So DS understands the situation and how I feel about it and whilst he’s emotionally distanced from it a bit, he is sympathetic to my side of things and he knows why it takes up so much time. We also talk about what we want to happen when we get old and how we’ll try to avoid some of these current problems, and our expectations (or lack of them) for him.

@TeenDivided It’s good to have a place to vent. Your elastic is certainly fraying and you deserve some respite. I suspect for now you aren’t going to get much.
I wouldn’t prioritise your DC at the moment. If you have been on call to DC 24/7 emotionally since after lock down, it’s good for them to go to DH and lean on him. The DC needs to find their own solutions eventually and they should be able to put your needs ahead of theirs albeit for a few weeks/months at this crisis point. It’s good for them to find little pockets of independence and this is such an opportunity’ xx

I've been thinking about those going through their crisis stages and realised that this week is the 9 year anniversary of 'mine'.
... DF being hospitalised. DCs sitting their versions of A levels and GCSEs. DM staying with us, going into meltdown on the day of the Maths exams to the point of being sectioned with no POA. Six weeks later my DF having an accident on release from a different hospital and ending up at foot of stairs too badly broken to be fixed...
So fast forward to now. DParents house which had been rented to help pay DM's care fees is free of tenants from next week. (A mixture of probate and tenancy laws the hold up since DM's death 16 months ago.) We are having a mighty push to get it painted and on the market ASAP. Goldenballs DBro who I've possibly seen three times in nine years is back to his old tricks. Yes, he's coming to help. No, he can't say what days. He can't say if he wants to stay at mine. He might manage to paint a bathroom but not sure. He'll let us know on the day. But he does want his inheritance.

@Mum5net there are times when I’m quite glad I don’t have siblings… 🙄

Rant incoming.

Stepdad was supposed to be having cancer surgery today. They had a 2-hour preop assessment and multidisciplinary discussion 2 weeks ago, with all his latest cardiac scans, and set the op date.

End of last week they call mum and say, 'Oh, by the way, he'll need to see the cardiologist before the op. No, we don't set up that appointment, you have to arrange it yourself.'

Two solid days of phonecalls later, Mum's established that the process is see cardio, cardio meets anaesthetist, anaesthetist meets stepdad, then op decision made. Cardio can't see him until middle of next month, anaesthetist only has these meetings every 2 weeks, so op delayed until end of May. No, they can't work from existing scans. No, going private for the cardio check isn't an option because then we'd be out of the system and they'd drop him from the books.

Meantime the cancer is growing, he's in pain, the pain and uncertainty are worsening his dementia. And it's all moot anyway because realistically there is no option other than to do the op. Everyone already knows his heart makes it high risk, but not making through the op is considerably better than any of the other options on the table.

Fuck's sake.

What the FUCK, @NoBinturongsHereMate ? Hell's bells.