🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Thank you @NoBinturongsHereMate shows my age that I get that wrong!

Thanks for the six digit tip everybody.

Got an email from her today and apparently a gardener has been arranged now and the cleaner is happy to stay on, so it's all calmed down a bit.

Relieved, as the local Age UK site were all "we can't recommend people" so (raspberry noise to them). All the iPhone stuff was trying to get her onto FB to join local groups to feel out opinions about local service providers. FB is a pita though so I'm not too distraught!

@MysterOfwomanY my experience of Age UK is mixed. They were fantastic where ILs lived and really helped them with making sure they were claiming benefits and linking FIL with an advocate who helped massively with the care assessment. But where my parents live you only ever get to leave a voice message that isn't responded to for days and then it's to say they don't offer whatever help or advice you are looking for in that area.

It's a mixed blessing they don't live locally, as one of my friends works for an upmarket care firm so I'd have at least one recommendation.

Got to mum's this evening and it was quite gloomy with the lights off. "Nights are starting to draw in now" said mum as I turned the lights on.
Cleaner golden balls organised has finally started, despite him ignoring my question about when. I said "oh, the cleaner GB organised has started then", puzzled look from mum "no, no one has been". The lack of Miss Haversham style cobwebs thick with dust told a different story.
But our anniversary meal at a nice restaurant filled a good amount of conversation as mum asked if I'd done anything nice recently roughly every 10 minutes.

Please don't exhaust yourself. I ve been there . The guilt, the obligation. You ll end up resenting it. You need to get more help at night time, private if you can afford it. You need your own life and your sanity. I m new to this thread but I ve cut back and outsourced help
..was completely exhausting myself, working full time and not there for my family. I now stay 1 wkend night a wk and visit mid wk.

Sorry to spring up and rant. I try not to complain, to keep a positive mindset but I’m momentarily inclined to do something I’ll regret irl. Friday is DH’s 50th, both booked the day off and going for a nice lunch. Oh you have the day off? An hour later there’s a call to demand he covers a medical appointment at 11am and let’s be honest there’s no such thing as a quick medical appointment with dementia.

I just want to scream and throw something and cry in the corner. I know I need to grow up, but god forbid anyone else should have their day disrupted 😖

Sorry SockFluffInTheBath
I m new to this thread and don't know circumstances. I m presuming this is your FIL
What does DH think? Is he happy to say NO, someone else does it, it's my 50th and I m going out for lunch? Can the medical appt be re scheduled if not urgent? Or an alternative, book an evening meal at 6pm or 7pm and go out that eve and celebrate? It's hard to plan anything. I completely understand.

Patsy7299
How are you doing now ? I hope things are working out for you and your mum, and you are looking for extra help / support be it from siblings or support agencies.

Don't blame you, @SockFluffInTheBath . We always took the view that we could work around scheduled appointments, and drop everything for crises (no shortage of those with dementia), but we wouldn't be dropping anything already planned for routine stuff. It helped us feel as if some of our life was our own.

Lesson learnt @SockFluffInTheBath to never tell anyone of enjoyable plans such as days off until after they’ve happened. Happy birthday for your DH.

Thank you I feel a little less unreasonable about being annoyed. DH would (rightly) go to the end of the earth for his DM but FIL and the AWOL Golden Balls brother (who the instruction came from) are another kettle of fish. And yes, lesson learned.

My mum has been referred to memory clinic and I am going to stay one night at weekend and one midweek. I feel for now it’s manageable. Also spoke to doc about getting her out and about more so on my day off I’ll make a point of it. Have arranged private overnight carers to come in when I’m away on holiday which will give me peace of mind. Thank you for asking, I really appreciate it.

In the midst of the latest crisis here with DDad admitted to hospital earlier this week with chest pain. Surprisingly DMum has coped ok to date but that could well swiftly change. The running back and forwards between the hospital, DMum and my children has made me think that I probably don’t realise how much more difficult this is going to get as the crisises become more frequent.

Hello, I'm a bit of an imposter here,as my DDad died unexpectedly 7 weeks ago,but I just need to offload. He was a farmer and was still working until days before he died. It's a family business,which I don't officially work for,as they can't afford to pay me,but never the less,I am working for. He died the night we started lambing and I've,along with the rest of the family,worked every day and night for the past 7 weeks,with no day off, along side working my own job and trying to sort out both the farm business and help my mum sort out his personal business. To be fair,my mum has done amazingly well,and been super organised on dad's personal finances,but obviously it's stressful and upsetting for her.

This week,as well as working full time for myself,and doing farm work on weekends and evenings,I've taken my mum to the bank,the building society,the solicitor,and two sets of accountants. I've also made an appointment with the land agent as we have to get dad's share of the business valued for tax purposes. It just seems endless and things that should be simple seem to be unnecessarily difficult and protracted.
I'm glad that I have such a good relationship with my sister,as I can understand how bereavement can rip a family apart. I don't think that I've actually had time to mourn dad properly as I haven't had time to. It'll probably hit me when things slow down,if they ever do. As I said to my sister the other day,I was waiting for the ever lasting list of, appointments,jobs,repairs,paperwork and problems to come to an end,then I realised that it won't. This is what it's going to be like for us from now on.

I don't think that's out of place here at all - the relentlessness of caring blends into the relentlessness of death admin and probate for us all in the end.

It must be even tougher when personal and business are as intertwined as they are in farming. At least when my dad died work offered a distraction that focussed on other things.

So my mum has had a referral to memory clinic. I’ve cancelled a week away twice because of her and arranged carers twice a day and overnight when I’m away. She’s now saying she’s fine on her own one minute then strangers are coming in and either me or my son have to stay. I’m utterly drained and my own physical and mental health are suffering as well as my work. I feel so resentful and don’t want to 🥲 I love her but don’t like her right now.

*strangers aren’t coming in

This is so tough and I m sorry ...the guilt can be so overwhelming
But you need to prioritise yourself. Your mental wellbeing is suffering. Have your support, another sibling, a neighbour to call in? Get the private carers in regardless and go on holiday. You absolutely need and and deserve it.

This enslavement of daughters by unreasonable elderly parents beggars belief. I'm so sorry.

Thank you. I’ve just left docs myself and told her how i felt. She said “I am not going to give you pills. You will go your holiday and you can come back to me after it if you need to”. So I’m going. I’ve got round the clock care for the week I’m away and cannot do any more.

Hi all, I lurk on here and post occasionally. I always feel a bit of a fraud as I’m not dealing with half the stuff many of you are. to @Patsy7299 and everyone else who’s really going through the mill.

MIL has just moved into a care home and it’s not going well. She’s blind and having hallucinations (Charles Bonnet syndrome, apparently, where the brain just makes stuff up to compensate for not being able to see), and she’s very distressed. There was an incident with another resident that ended with MIL falling over, and the home is looking at medication. They’ve also asked DH and BIL not to go in for a few days to see if she settles.

I don’t honestly much like the sound of any of this and am drafting a careful email for BIL to send. I’m going to ask how they plan to handle the risks from / to other residents, as that’s a safeguarding issue, and ask for more info on the medication. I also think DH and BIL should probably arrange for a Respect form so the home knows what she would have wanted. Is there anything else I should add? I know there are lots of people on here who’ve had similar experiences.

@NefretForth if she’s only been in the care home a short while eg less than six weeks, you can choose to move her or they can ask you to move her on if it is not working.

It is very possible she is being exceptionally difficult and they are learning
how best to cope with her.
Equally, they may not be understanding her needs and not helping her adequately.
They could be failing her.
Or, there could be a mixture of both these scenarios?

While email can be a good way to list concerns, nothing really beats face to face chat with the manager. So early on, I’d be suggesting a meeting in person.

DMil got moved after six weeks. She didn’t settle at the new place either but the new place tried harder to improve her mood and situation.

Thanks very much, Mum5net. I don’t yet know which it is. I don’t think anyone could meet her needs, she’s absolutely had enough and wants to die, but is physically very tough so likely to keep going indefinitely. I frequently think that she may well outlive DH and BIL, who are not young and are feeling the strain. I’m younger but have my own elderly mother to worry about (20 years younger than MIL but not from nearly such a long-lived family).

Yes, BIL is going to ask for a meeting, but I also want the safeguarding concern recorded in case there’s an ongoing problem.

Joined such a short time ago, but knew things would come to a head. Offering solidarity and hand holds to all dealing with these trials.

Elderly Aunt, lives hundreds of miles from me, no kids, not eating enough to sustain herself and making questionable choices about looking after herself, neighbours have been taking food weekly most not eaten.

GP has not stated she has lack of capacity despite me raising concerns multiple times, has as far as I am aware not done any cognitive assessments. She would likely refuse a memory assessment. Social care told me originally that they may not be able to do anything if she doesn't engage because she has capacity. I did a referral under safeguarding for self-neglect and pushed the GP to do one too. They have now agreed to visit urgently because of a vermin issue which Aunt refused to let me organise pest control for.

Neighbour have said we need to organise someone else to do shopping asap, they clearly want to not do it anymore, but won't tell Aunt this directly so she won't consider alternatives. I have found an agency who could organise this, but I cannot afford to fund this myself, it would have to be paid by Aunt who has funds or come from Attendance Allowance (which she would have to engage in applying for) and Aunt refuses to engage and says she won't let anyone in her house to even put away shopping. I have LPA as does my disabled Dad who can't really do much to help and her step-son who doesn't really do much, but she has capacity according to the GP so can refuse everything. I am hoping social care attend soon (they have told me it has been put as urgent) because if the neighbours just stop helping she starves.

I have a full time stressful job, sole earner, a disabled husband and kids. I also provide some care for my elderly Dad who lives near me who is losing his sight. It seems like the neighbours and other family members just expect me to be able to magically fix this. If social care can't do a quick fix how the heck can I sort it out just like that?