Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

You may not feel the same once you have done that hundreds of times, it's been going on for 5 years and she tells everyone that nobody ever bothers to do anything for her.
Not everyone has the luxury of being able to take their mother home with them. Some mothers have dementia and go missing in the middle of the night, necessitating police going out and searching for them. Some mothers need 24/7 nursing care. Some mothers are bitter, abusive women who pour scorn on the dutiful daughter who is spreading herself very thin and ruining her marriage and going without seeing her own family out of a sense of duty.

you clearly have no idea what it is like to be the carer in these situations.

Definitely worth looking into what options your mother has to control her own care. I think it's called a "living will" (maybe properly an advance care directive) and her doctor should be able to work through one with her - probably ideally with you and your brother there too.

I haven't RTWT but I lost my mum in June, she had cancer. She was 93 and lived with my sister and I. We cared for her at the end with the hospice at home team. Work (NHS) we're surprisingly supportive and I took a lot of leave over six months until the end. I know it's difficult with other commitments but spend as much time with her as you can.

I imagine that if a mother is in her 90's then the child is likely to be around 60ish therefore usually without parenting responsibilities themselves, so hopefully with more time to make these last years the best they can be. Easier said than done if the relationship has been less than perfect or if the ageing has brought with it difficult behaviour though. Although it's an extremely hard time and very draining, it will come to all of us eventually and we have to hope that whatever we do, someone is willing to do for us when the time comes.

I can relate to that. I became physically disabled at the age of 46 (mobility impaired). I was a single parent of two young DC by my ex-DH and had a partner who didn't live with me. Neither ex-DH nor DP coped very well, and due to the pain and trauma, I made a lot of rubbish decisions. You are still in the very early days of living your 'new' life and I can promise you that things do get better, but it takes time! Life does go on, but you just follow a different path to the one you originally had planned. It's not always rosy, but you get by. I have met the most amazing people and have some wonderful friends, many of whom I wouldn't have met had it not been for my disability. Some of these friends were also the ones who supported me through breast cancer at the age of 60. Please do go online and seek support from people who have the same or similar disability to yourself as they will undoubtedly give you plenty of sound advice. I wish you well.

This. My DM lived in a care home near me (about 20 minutes away) for the last two years of her life and it did make things easier for me, although I look back now and think I should have visited her more often than I did (hindsight is a wonderful thing). Prior to this she lived with me for a year, until she was no longer able to weight-bear so it, for various reasons, became untenable. As I am an only child, the local authority made sure she wasn't too far away from me so that was good. She was extremely tired and frail at the end, so passed away peacefully in her sleep.

My poor late mum used to say this because she was in a lot of pain and had lost her dignity and could not make it to the loo, I listened to her and offered empathy and understanding and sometimes that is all the person wants is to be heard and understood. Sometimes we have to imagine how we would feel in their shoes and you don't sound like you understand how she is feeling at all. Write her a letter, send her flowers with a nice message, visit her as you will regret it when she is not here, give her feet a nice massage and cheer her up when you visit and just tell her that you understand and you hear her. I know it is distressing to hear a parent talk like this but being old and having lost your dignity and just existing must be awful and we are all heading there. Hope you have someone to give you some support also and to talk to someone but please visit your mum and make the time for her, all that they did for us when we were kids. She probably feels so helpless and alone.

I look at this a different way when elderly relatives say this kind of thing. I think it's positive! They've had a good life and are ready for it to end. I'd be more upset if they were frightened and not ready to die.

Count yourself lucky you had a brother to do some of the work. Those of us who are "onlies" usually have to do it alone. I didn't find it particularly stressful however, other than the odd day here and there.

I know you didn't mean it like this, but what your mother heard was, "Never mind your feelings, Mom, what about mine?" Try to talk with her, let her know that you care so much, but can only imagine how hard this is for her, and can you do anything to make this easier.

Why have you put her in a home if she's not got Alzheimer's? (You haven't mentioned it so I can only presume not). Being in there won’t be helping her mental health, that's for sure.
My Mum has made us promise & swear never ever to put her in a home unless she has progressing Alzheimers'. She feels incredibly strongly about it.

Be thankful your mum is still in your life ...when she isn't you.will realize 5 hours travel.to see her is so much better than not having the chance to go give her a hug ..hold.her hand and just say you love her ..

She misses you and wants you to come and care for her, logistically unlikely but I think that's the aim.
Getting old sucks, being old and lonely and maybe afraid sucks more.

I thought I was on AIBU for a minute with some of the unhelpful and highly critical comments, among the good ones. Can't believe people are saying things like "Why have you put her in a home?" "Be grateful your mum is still alive" on the Elderly Parents board.

OP, it's absolutely ok to feel like that and completely human to vent at your mum like that when she phoned you at work. We can only do so much. Just think, you reacted on the spur of the moment and some people here had time to think about their post before they berated you.

@BooneyBeautiful Thank you for your kind words. It's still early days for me and I am coping by desperately reading everything I can and trying to find "cures" through Physio etc which I know realistically won't work. I would love to reach the acceptance stage. I have joined a few Facebook groups but I find myself checking them all the time for people whose stories are good but instead they usually aren't, so for now I think I am going to have to step away. It's so hard as sport was my life. I don't have kids and all my friends are from sport so I am struggling with my identity. It's good to hear it can get better.

My father retired at 55 years and pretty much spent the following 41 years wishing he was dead.
My mother was just like yours OP (but all the time) for 25 years.
It’s draining, utterly demoralising and very sad.
I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents but I got the brunt of their complaints about still being alive 🙄

Beautifully said x

I think this has been so bad for you because she rang you at work. You can't help at the best of times but especially when you're sitting there at your desk. Gently ask her to only phone you in the day if it's an emergency, then you'll have more time to talk. Big hugs to you, it's so hard dealing with everything you're going through

This thread showed up in active/trending for a while which i think is why there’s an influx of AIBU style replies - people often don’t look to see which board the thread is on. Plus it seems to me that MN has had an influx recently of posters who only post goady, inflammatory or contradictory posts.

entirely normal to react the way you did OP. However this is a marathon not a sprint so I do recommend finding some way of detaching or being a bit more objective on the emotional side otherwise your mental health will suffer. I love my mum, but the frail, confused old lady that exists now is just a shadow of the woman I knew as my mother. She doesn’t remember my birthday or think of me in terms other than the care I give her. The parent/child roles really are reversed, so from that perspective I no longer have a mother. It’s very sad, but thinking about it that way helps me cope better.

No it’s not ok to “vent” at a 92 year old woman. My mum talks like this and I just try to soothe her and focus on the positives and the nice things in her life rather than making it all about me and my reaction.

Some elderly people are ready to go and that’s ok. They’re allowed to say so.

Try rereading this and see how horrible it is:- the bit about she’s just old and has had her life, like she’s worthless because of her age. I hope you end up in a care home where the nurses put “The Chase” on a loop and you’re not mobile enough to turn it off. That’s the worst existence I can wish on anyone

It's ridiculous to suggest that Alzheimer's is the only reason someone might need to move to a care home. My dad had such poor mobility towards the end of his life that he needed to be hoisted from bed to wheelchair. There's no way he could have continued to live in his own home.

Nope no need. Its not horrible and I never said she was worthless.
Read it again. Maybe you will figure out I'm right.

I didn't say it was ok to vent I said it was human to vent. It's ok to make mistakes in the spur of the moment particularly when we are tired and exhausted.

You try not to absorb, you try to let it bounce off.