Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

I 100% understand everything you have said! I have a poorly mother in care with limited time left however she is very very difficult and has said and done some pretty nasty things. Yet she is still my mum and I want to be there for her. It’s bloody hard work and draining when you have an elderly relative. You are within your rights to say/think/feel what about me!! That’s ok.! You have to look after yourself to be able to look after them.

x

Such a variety of replies on this thread and I do appreciate every one!

I must say I admire anyone who can absorb all the cares and woes of another person for decades (sibling, friend, mother, father, anyone) and never get a bit stressed by it all.

It's really shit OP, my 98 year old grandfather has been saying the same for years and its not hard to see why. He's now totally bed bound, is incontinent, has terrible bed sores that cause him daily pain (he refuses to use an airflow mattress to help), all his friends and wife have died.

I would suggest you can only sympathise with her and ensure you have an end of life plan in place, have you spoken to her about what she wants? It's important to have open and honest conversations about death, I'm an only child and have discussed openly with my parents what end of life care would look for them, what they would want as a funeral/celebration of life etc. I would also not shy of telling her that whilst you understand her feelings it does hurt you to hear them.

To pp who said she is 92 and has been through a heck of a lot. I agree. But she lived in her own home until she was 91, with care at home for the last 6 months organised by me. Then she had to move to a care home, organised by me. Then her house had to be sold to pay for the care home fees, organised by me and my brother. Then her house to be cleared, organised by me and my brother. So whilst she's going through a lot, it isn't without impact on her loved ones. Some people on this thread are making me feel bad that I find it hard to handle the practical stuff and all the emotional stuff at the same time.

The OP’s own home has four storeys and No downstairs bathroom. Her mum has no mobility.

I know how hard this is but her time is limited and she knows that and can probably only express these feelings to you.
My mother is 100, in a care home and as I'm only 10 minutes away I spend 4/5 hours with her everyday. She can't express herself so is reliant on someone asking 'are you cold/thirsty' etc etc and although the home isn't bad, I feel I need to be there to ask these questions.
It's having an enormous impact on my life as it's a very depressing environment but equally I can't bear not going because I'm constantly worried about her.
I think my feeling is that when the time comes, I want to know that I did my very best regardless of the impact on me. So I would say, let her express herself, listen, and then as others have said, distract.
Good luck to you.

Thank you @Ladyofthepond. Yes we've had all the necessary conversations about her passing, been talking about it for years. She's had DNR in place for at least 5 years probably a lot longer. I did not know that she can insist the care home don't send her to hospital if she gets another infection or anything, I will look further into that, thanks to whoever posted about it.

I am finding this thread really hard to cope with. My darling, wonderful, funny, loving and clever mother died unexpectedly following a heart attack in her 80s. My DF reached his 90s. Then my DMIL died from cancer followed by DFIL who caight covid in hospital after a fall. I feel bereft and ache from their combined absence in my life. Despite being disabled and having a DS with SEN i would drive the 1.5 hours each night, and back first for DM then DF. I spent each weekend caring for them, and changed working week so it was 3 days there. DH stepped up to look after DCs. I am so glad I spent time with them all. I do not regret it.
However, this morning Ds said "Nanna does not exist any more heaven does not exist and she is dead and you will be soon". Stupid thing is I wish I could give my DM a hug and talk to her about it. Please treasure the time you have left with your DM OP.

I completely understand where you are at, as in a fairly similar situation myself. It's exhausting and conflicting and all consuming. I too am impressed that so many people have been through this and found it absolutely fine

Could you look at care homes closer to where you live so you can see her more?

Could you move her closer to you so she has more company?

Do not talk to her about Dignatis.

1. that could be construed as a criminal offence to aid and assist her
2. it is one thing saying you don’t want to live your natural life any longer, it is another thing having your daughter present you with a leaflet to expect you then to take action in taking your life.

if she wants to go this route, she must suggest it, you must not assist in any shape or form

Also, op, make sure she has a LPOA in pace now. That can specify what she wants in terms of DNR, and what she wants you and brother to do if she looses mental capacity.
Do not wait till you need it. Do it now if you’ve not done already.
she can specify about not intervening with treatment on her LPOA and expression of wishes.

Yes. She is amazing 🥰

Your Mum probably thought the same at your age.
It's said a lot by very old people. They have seen most of their friends die, they're infirm and dislike the resultant indignities of old age.
She's venting bless her. Try to distract her and remind her of things she still enjoys.
Can the care home set her up on Teams/ Skype on an iPad?

Some people on this thread are making me feel bad that I find it hard to handle the practical stuff and all the emotional stuff at the same time.

It is bloomin’ awful, @LindorDoubleChoc , I sometimes feel so down about my Dad as he can be so negative (and nasty when he’s in a bad mood).

It’s a battle and we just have to get though it. 💐

I also hope that I’m learning from my Dad’s negativity and will try not to offload on my children as much as he does to me.

Oh DFO. I would never, EVER, put this on my children.

"It's not easy to visit as she's 2.5 hours drive away so it's 5 hours driving in a day. I last did it about 10 days ago. I could do without it again"

You've had 22 years more with your mum than I had with mine, and my mum was very ill for a long time. I'd give anything to still be travelling to see her.

I understand that you're drained, and frustrated, and down - but the reality is, in the not too distant future you WON'T have to do it again. Ever. And then you'll wish with everything you have, that you were making that journey.

My mum died five years ago, and I'm sat here crying because I didn't get what you have been lucky enough to have.

Go see her. You never know when the last time will be.

I think there is a lot of empathy here OP. A lot of older people loose hope, particularly after going into care. My own dad is refusing to accept he can’t go home - despite having Lewy body dementia. He says “ without my home I have no hope, I just don’t want to be here”. He’s 86, fit other than the LBD, but it is not uncommon.

yes, you’ve done huge amounts of stuff for her. And yes, you’re tired, fed up and worn out. You’ve been forced into “parenting her “ and that’s enormously difficult to find your parent is suddenly being the child in your relationship- resentment and frustration are common. Do not beat yourself up for feeling that.

but:

1. you need a break. A full break of say 4weeks where you tell mum you’ll be away and she can’t contact you. Switch off, take a rest from the emotional labour she places on you, and focus on you. Do this at regular intervals going forwards for2-3 weeks at a time . Talk to your brother too, so he can do the same and you cover for each other,
2. whilst all the burden of home clearance, house selling etc is massive, if she remained in house till her death, you’d have to do this anyway, And cope with the funeral arrangements, and be dealing with your grief. So, unfortunately this is a job that does fall to most of us at some point. And personally I’d rather be dealing with it when a parent is alive, than try to cope with it after death. It makes probate easier for one thing. Your frustration is because of the relentlessness and speed of doing it in context of paying for care home fees, finding care homes etc. . It is never easy, at any time, but it will pass now those task have been completed.
3. Talk to her GP, and ask him to do a depression review, given her comments about wanting to die. Depression is so common in older people. As are lots of mental health issues. Whilst putting her on a drug regime may not be wise, and therapy won’t help much, just you, family and her being able to understand that she is depressed can help deal better with the conflicting emotions.
4. Her world has diminished . She won’t prioritise your work schedule over how she’s feeling. You can ask for the home for help, like not making a phone accessible except within certain pre arranged times with you. Or failing that block her number. You have to put in some boundaries yourself to protect yourself from being her emotional sponge, at all hours.
5. set yourself a schedule that’s achievable and sustainable for you to drive to visit. Look at if staff can set up a teams/skype call with you for a fixed time each week (my dad’s care home have iPads for this purpose) . I found doing it before lunch or tea is good as call has to end so they can have their meal, and not drag on with venting.
6. Try to focus with her, on what her life has achieved. Talk about her memories. Distract. Give her a purpose to talk about the history. Say something like you want to pick her brains to do a family tree or something. Get her involved in something that will focus her attention away from morbid thoughts.
7. does she have hobbies? Has her new room been set up to accommodate this. Boredom is a very real factor in care homes. My dad and brothers are designing a new set up for his hobby in his room. It’s unlikely it will ever materialise, but it is giving him a purpose, a project. Even if , because of the dementia, he redesigns the same thing over and over.

Sadly, we ALL say this.
My dad said it
Them he got dementia. And unfortunately inhibitions on this sort of thing goes to the wall, and he dumps the most inappropriate demands on us, to mamange his emotions.
unfortunately it is part of very old age, for a large majority of people, who don’t go to their death suddenly and in good health and mental capacity

be careful making claims like these

Op you are allowed to find this stressful and upsetting, even if it is explicable given her age and suffering. You end up feeling exhausted as a carer yourself- clearing her house, supporting her so much, it's hard to then hear someone say they wish they were dead (even though we might feel this way ourselves).

It's a testament to how close you are that she's ringing you up and saying this. Be kind to yourself about your reaction, I would find it upsetting too.

I meant we might feel that way ourselves when we are 92 and don't feel there's much to look forward to. People do get worn out with living, I hope they do allow euthanasia/assisted death by the time I get there as I know I'll be fed up if life goes on and on with no sign of anything getting better and everything getting worse.

Ime negative moods of the elderly come and go. One minute a person wishes they would die the next they’re enjoying Antiques Roadshow eating some chocolate. You don’t need to ring Dignitas or move her into your house, just understand and support her challenges and carry on.

I think this is much more common than people realise. I work in care and I have had quite a few clients tell me this is how they feel. How are your Mum's pain levels being managed? I often find being in pain really wears people down. I also advocate the use of anti depressants as I've seen positive benefits from them in some of my clients. Your Mum is probably sorted for all of the above but if she isn't then it's worth sorting.
I find it terribly upsetting and the people I deal with are my clients not my Mum. Cut yourself some slack as dealing with aging parents can be particularly painful.

Don't have any sage advice but didn't want to read and run either. I really feel for you @LindorDoubleChoc that must be really hard. I'm not quite there yet but for slightly different reasons sometimes find life so overwhelming that I can't absorb others' problems as much as I would like to wave a magic wand and make everything better for them. You sound like a loving, caring daughter doing her best in a difficult situation. Sending very best wishes.