🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Precisely! It's a problem a lot of us have - elderly person understandably trying to maintain their independence, and that they're coping fine with no support. Last thing you need is for someone to say "yeah, it's fine, daighter comes in daily, no help needed here".

But you seem to be getting respite care, which is good.

Carers are there for personal care not for cleaning. Cleaning up their own spatters is borderline, you might find it a hard battle.

What about a small dish of bicarb of soda to be replaced in the microwave when it's not actually cooking? Might mop up any smells.

At least my mum gets out without me. It's something I'm very grateful for. I know she tells me she has been to activities when she hasn't some weeks but 🤷‍♀️. I have her best friends number and speak to her occasionally to check if she has any concerns and back in the summer she said there was no line dancing for 3 weeks as the person who runs it was away. Ditto there was no church lunch club in August due to holidays. I asked mum what she'd been up to recently she still said line dancing/lunch club so I'm never really certain what she's done.

When your life has been constrained through infirmity, small things can take on undue importance. Ideal is to be able to respond on autopilot, so she gets the feeling she's being listened to, but you're not getting any emotional baggage. But if you can't do that, then backing off is the only alternative. I'd be tempted to give her the contact details of her local Councillors, especially if they were of a political colour that was opposite to mine.

Calls from 2 rellies today. One I provide moral support for, the other, will be staying overnight in a few weeks. Luckily nobody at death's door, as it turns out the shitty cold which kept me up all night is COVID.

Thank the Lord they all have capacity! Please let the braincells hang on in there...

The carers prepare all mums food and so are the ones using the microwave, so I’m afraid I don’t feel it’s unreasonable for them to give it a quick wipe if there’s been some spattering. They’d wipe the work surface if there had been a spill there and they wash up mums plate and cup for her. In fact the kitchen is usually very tidy. I make sure there’s loads of cleaning products, wipes, etc they can use if they need.

i cleaned the microwave so it’s hygienic now, if it continues to smell then there’s not a lot else I can do. The house is already full of little notices and signs explaining what things are so I try to avoid adding more unless it’s really essential.

@MereDintofPandiculation ha, yes, that is good advice and I should try to let it go over my head.
Re the local councillor, for many years it was my DF and DM was one herself, even Town Mayor one year - the chap who took over from DF is a good family friend and she’s not averse to phoning him - she’s even phoned our MP on occasion.
Anyway it transpires the car belongs to my nephew and he’s left it there temporarily as DB does not have enough room on his drive. (I had to go to DB for this piece of info).

@funnelfan I can sympathise over the smell. Dad used to cook fish fingers every day in his microwave (in a closed container, so no spatter), and getting rid of the fishy smell was not easy.

@BestIsWest

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"she needs to go into respite asap so I can have a break"

mum is sanguine about it and I think she realised yesterday the toll it has taken on dads health. So hopefully a couple of weeks will give him some time to recuperate, nurse has issued medication which he has taken already so hopefully things looking up now here.
plus home has a lovely looking dog so Dd will be delighted to go. Dad will be able to eat there with mum, I'm sure he will take advantage of this

Result @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew !

Result. Hopefully he will see the light

@funnelfan are the electrics/ plug on the microwave ok? Just thinking sometimes how electricity can have a fishy smell? Hope that doesn’t sound totally bonkers!

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew glad your DF’s seen the light.

Good point - the microwave is a good brand (Panasonic) and only a couple of years old so I’d hope the electrics would be ok. I think it doesn’t help that sometimes the door isn’t shut properly so the light stays on and that can get quite hot. It did smell of the food mum likes though, but gone off. Bit like when the food scraps bin isn’t emptied often enough.

Well Dad is a couple of Naproxen down and expressed he felt "fighting fit" 😂 I did suggest maybe not getting complacent quite so soon.
while mum is on her " spa break" as we refer to it, we are going to do a bit of spring cleaning, shampoo the carpets that he's been wanting to do since he treated himself to a fancy shampooer last year and fill and touch up the woodwork & paintwork that's got knocked about with the wheelchair. I know dad was very proud of their home and it bugs him that it's looking a bit unkempt so I think a good clean and the rest will do him the power of good.

When the nurse asked if he had any support at home he said "no" !

This is so much like my mum who'll happily tell nursing staff that she has no local help whilst I'm sat next to her at appointments!

I'm currently being guilt tripped due to working away. I now won't see my parents until early Dec but of course mum doesn't understand self employed working and I'm getting complaints from my sister who lives overseas. I wouldn't mind but I still phone mum almost every day even when I'm working in Europe.

Mum is going off fir her break tomorrow. The home seemed really nice, lots of staff who were v friendly and we met several very friendly ladies that were sitting in the conservatory. There were two chefs making lunch which smelt delicious. Bedroom very pretty and decorated like my fashionable-fir-the-older-lady MILs house.
so after 3 nights abd 5 days here I will finally get to have good sleep on Friday !

if anyone likes piano music this was in my pianist magazine this month which is going to be on the music stand for Friday afternoon along with some other Christmas Jazz. It's too gorgeous for words. A moment of beautiful calm in our busy lives

Your sister has a real nerve complaining. Maybe she'd like to come over fir a while. You have a right to your own life.

Can I join? Think I'll be needing this thread very soon.

Welcome @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast 🍷this is the friendliest, most validating thread you wish you weren't on xx

Thank you! Been reading the thread the last few days - everyone seems really nice and there's a lot that looks familiar. I'll post in the next day or so.

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast you are very welcome! So much experience, wisdom and humour here. And unlike some other bits of mnet we get how challenging elderlies can be.

Hello everyone, I am very glad to have found this thread. My dad is nearly 91, still living independently at home but needing more and more interventions and things sorted out for him, but I am finding him and his attitude SO difficult. He won't acknowledge that anything needs assistance and regularly tells me it's none of my business. I don't have time to write about the latest things now but just wanted to draw up a chair and know that this thread is here.

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen Welcome! I credit this thread with keeping me sane - Ive had understanding and good advice here.

Hi @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen there's tea in the pot and cake on the table.

DHs phone just rang and I instantly tensed before I remembered it wouldn't be MILs care home any more.