🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Welcome @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast and @TesterPotQueen

Can I have a moan? I need the Bad Daughters Sofa this evening.. It’s not as bad as some, it’s small things, but so frustrating.

Visited Mum & Dad as usual this afternoon (weekly). Went something like this -

DM (87) has pulled back and neck muscles doing too much gardening. But was up til 3am last night and decided the utility room floor needed cleaning. Suggested now might be the time to talk about getting a cleaner again (as they did pre Covid). “No, I don’t want that.”

She was in a foul mood because DF had thrown out a pile of newspapers in which somewhere was an article she wanted to keep. They had been there for weeks, she hasn’t done anything about finding it but is livid now he’s tidied.

Tried to fit castors cups to DF’s (95)new recliner that he didn’t want but DM did and now it keeps zipping away from him on the hard floor. (DF falls often). DM complained because she won’t be able to move it when she cleans (every 6 weeks at best). They didn’t fit anyway. Ordered new ones.

Changed the battery in DM’s hearing aid and told her I’d found the instructions she lost, online. “That’s no good to me.” I guess I’ll print them for next week. Tried to persuade her to put the aid back on. “I haven’t got time now, I haven’t eaten today.” She got up at 1pm today. Wandered off to the kitchen.

Eventually got out of her that she hasn’t had a follow up appointment since she got the hearing aid. Googled Audiology dept, emailed for appointment, I will take her when it comes up.

Explained to DF how his new noise cancelling headphones work. He bought them to drown out the TV that DM turns up to absolute maximum (see hearing aid above). It won’t totally cancel out the TV - he thought he was buying silence, but it’s a bit closer I suppose.

Took cheque to pay into bank, letters to post, left DM lavender cream for her back, skedaddled to pick up DS from school, an hour away. Back next week with more jobs.

i try to limit it, I don’t do everything, I don’t clean for them because they have the means to pay for a cleaner, but I try to do things where I think I can have a quick win or make a genuine difference, and help with things they can’t do so well (including the Internet). But man do they make it hard. If there’s an easy way and a hard way, they pick the hard way. And it makes me annoyed, and then eventually it makes me sad. And weary.

@MotherOfCatBoy i'm pretty sure they must get lessons on How To Make Life 12 Times More Complex Than It Needs To Be.
I went to pick up mums prescription that I dropped into the GP on Sunday on dads request as I was passing. Unfortunately she has one prescription issued by the doctor for about 9 different thing and one prescription issued by the pharmacy for atorvaststin.the pharmacy had only issued their half of the script.
oh my actual fucking god the DRAMA. Dad went on and on and on and on and on about it, "it was dropped in on Sunday in their door" (yes dad by me) stressing and fretting, counting boxes of medication, trying to work out how many days of whatever there was left then losing count and getting muddled up. It took about 8 times of me saying "there's nothing we can do now, just stop worrying about it" before he finally decided to eat his dinner instead.
I will pass the pharmacy 4 times tomorrow. I said right at thr beginning of the chat "if it's not right I'll just pop in on my way back from school and sort it out they can just issue it tomorrow if it's not there". This was not enough though, it had to be chewed over again and again why it wasn't there, how very urgent it was (she won't run out of anything until Saturday) and who I needed to speak to, in what order and what I should tell them. you wouldn't think I was nearly 50 😂

Welcome to our thread newbies. This time of night the gin and crisps and chocolate are out, help yourselves.

I’m reading this while lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, mixed emotions. Have come over tonight as mum has a visit from the council social care team tomorrow so I’ll be WFH from here. I arrived then went to the shops (forgotten how much more civilised it is at 9pm!). Mum has been asleep all evening, she don’t know I’m here yet although I did tell her several times today I was coming. I expect I’ll get a visit at 3 am when she goes to the loo. Her carer rang me this morning to say she thinks mum has a UTI again, which would explain the uptick in confusion so at least I’ll be on hand to deal with that. Steeling myself for the 8am GP call queue. Thank goodness for flexible working hours and my brilliant boss who knows I’ll be making up any time lost while I’m here.

Hope you all had a good nights rest, you all do deserve it. Caring is the most frustrating thing thing ever ! I’ve popped my head out of the bad daughters room, oh I am very bad 🤣 I’m in the midst of looking for a care home for mum she’s currently still in hospital, taken in for confusion headache and high bp six weeks ago.
I’ve visited four this week only one stands out, old dilapidated building but clean and the staff seem great. Social working dragging her feet because mum still insisting she’s fine and doesn’t need a care home. Even though at 92 she’s needing washing and help with toilet. So frustrating 🤪
I’m worried now it’s Thursday and as you all know nothing happens on a weekend and I need to get this sorted before I collapse in a heap.

Oh, @MotherOfCatBoy , it sounds as if’d be easier if they each had their own house! You’d still have all their individual difficulties, but not the interactions. I suppose they’re back at the stage of a small child demanding to do up their own coat even though it will take three times as long and be wonky at the end.

Tried to fit castors cups to DF’s (95)new recliner that he didn’t want but DM did and now it keeps zipping away from him on the hard floor. (DF falls often). DM complained because she won’t be able to move it when she cleans (every 6 weeks at best). They didn’t fit anyway. Ordered new ones. You can get castors with brakes on. We have them on our bed. I have to say I don’t ever release the brakes because the bed still slides on our smooth wooden floor (I presume it would run away at a touch if the brakes were off) but they’d work better on carpet.

you wouldn't think I was nearly 50 Well, you’re not, you’re 30 years younger than them. Would you trust someone 30 years younger than you with your medication?

DH was a liability yesterday. Remarks jokingly to receptionist that he has so many appointments he forgets who he’s coming to see. You can’t make remarks like that when you’re 80 - they’ll believe you! And then when asked if any falls, he says “no, apart from missing a step when I was up a ladder”. Doctor’s face was a picture! There are some things doctors are happier not knowing.

@Limetreee good luck with care homes and I hope it doesn’t drag out much longer. I think the vibe from staff is so important, MiL home not palatial and decor dated, but staff are kind and knowledgeable and food is good. She put on weight after only a few weeks.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew love the lessons theory. I did notice with MiL that she over complicated and fussed about things for several years before dementia kicked in - she had a fear of running out of batteries and light bulbs - tiny flat and I found 40 various batteries and light bulbs that didn’t fit anything she owned because she once read in the dreaded fear mongering paper the Daily Mail that the government was making certain lightbulbs ‘illegal’. We had to tell her police were not going to take her in for using the less energy efficient bulbs! Every beep from her oven or other item illicited a panicked phone call and a visit from DH. And when she changed to a new milkman she was so worried about her milk and bread being taken or going off - who knows because she made up stories about people on her front garden at that stage - she got up at 4 am to bring it in…. then was exhausted but couldn’t get back to sleep. We cancelled the order and took to buying it for her instead. The relief of not having all this to worry about now she is in a nursing home. Just starting to buy a few little treats for the staff for Christmas. Ideas welcome.

Thanks all. @MereDintofPandiculation good to know, I’ll check, although they came with the recliner so I don’t think there are brakes.. I wish there were!

As for the toddler demanding to do up their own coat - hard yes to that. I can understand the need to cling to independence but the bit I get frustrated with is that if they actually let me do some of the things to make life easier, they would have more time and capacity to do the things they enjoy. But they seem to enjoy having problems. And yes, I’ve often thought they should have divorced years ago but my Mum would have sunk without my Dad tbh. They never seem to have worked out that they’re actually on the same team, they spend their days bickering, and as they age it just gets worse.

Can someone give me a slap and then pass me a biscuit? Apologies for mention of the C word but it is nearly December and I can't put it off much longer. DF in care home, DM at home on her own.

Sibling going to inlaws on Christmas day and then on holiday over New Year, plans to visit parents on Boxing Day. They have never been to parents on Christmas Day and have invited them to theirs a couple of times when both where fitter and healthier and could travel. (They live about an hour away).

We live about 1 1/2 hours away and the only time I can remember having a Christmas on our own is 2020 when we were in lockdown anyway. We either travel down there or have hosted them with us or been with in-laws. Now DF is in the care home, DM wants to visit in the morning and if she can't have lunch there, go back again in the afternoon.

DH and I are exhausted as we also have his elderly parents still alive and needing increasing amounts of help and support, children in their A level and GCSE years and just general life grinding us down. We decided last night that we would have Christmas Day at home on our own. Obviously my sibling doesn't feel guilty about leaving DM on her own on Christmas day so why am I dreading telling her what our plans are? We will visit on Christmas Eve and plan to take her and DF out for lunch.

Can someone tell me this is ok?

Of course it’s ok, it’s not like you’re ignoring them over the Christmas period if you’re visiting on Christmas Eve! I’m sure your kids would be happier at home too. I remember Boxing Day was always a cold day in the car to see my grandparents, when I’d rather be at home playing with my new toys. They might be a bit older than that but a chilled day at home just doing family stuff sounds in order. You can call/FaceTime and leave presents and food for the day in the 24th.

can your mum get herself to the care home to see your dad?

@Tupperwarelid heres a comfy chair, a coffee( laced with a little something) and an entire pack of custard creams( other biscuits are available) No slaps here, just a gentle reminder that you and your dh and Dc are entitled to YOUR Christmas the way YOU want it. To give you the energy to keep going. Your plan for Christmas Eve sounds perfect.
I can imagine your dm would be v welcome at the home- check up yourself if it would help you…
🌺🌺

@Tupperwarelid The first 2 Christmas's after MIL had her stroke she was still in a care home and FIL was able to spend the entire day with her including lunch so fingers crossed all will be well.

@Juneday what about a couple of cases of cans of drinks ? I imagine they will be inundated with chocolates. Plus people that are on special diets can always have a can of fizzy drink whereas they might not want/be able to eat sweet stuff.
likewise grapes, crisps, other nice easy-to-eat fruit

@Tupperwarelid it is absolutely fine to do what you want on Christmas Day without obligations to others.

We had two blissful Christmases in 2020 and 2021 when it was just me, DH and child and it was so much more enjoyable!

Not a olds problem today but a "why does my DH have no common sense" problem. He thought he'd give me a nice surprise and mend my horses stable door for me but he's made it worse - when I got to the yard after a day in meetings in London I could only open it just enough to get my horse out to clean his stable and he banged his side going back in. Literally half an inch either side. Stable is in a barn and there's rubber matting down the aisle as the concrete gets slippery. I askedif he'd checked the door opened after the repair and his answer was "yes but I had to roll up the matting out of the way" 🤦‍♀️. So tomorrow after work I need to undo his repair and fix it properly, before horse decides it's impossible to go through, when I could have done it in a leisurely manner on Saturday.

I asked our manager what to give the staff, and remarked they must get fed up with chocolate. She said “no, you can’t have too much chocolate, don’t even think of getting anything else”

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. DM still drives so no problem getting to the home and back and she promised me she will have something more exciting than a cheese sandwich for her Christmas meal!

I will likely get a voucher for the senior nurse/temporary manager, who has been so helpful and towards us, her positive attitude is amazing and her ability to tell the truth, which isn’t always good, gently and kindly is a priceless skill. MiL doesn’t remember any names and her description of her favourite, who does most of her caring and accompanied her to hospital, doesn’t fit any of the staff a six foot Danish lady with long dark hair🤔. I will ask in the office. Half the staff join the residents for Christmas lunch willingly, which says something.

Got a text from the relative who was having mobility struggles earlier in the week, apparently carers are involved now but "NHS carers" ... Not sure whether it's visiting physios or something else, but there is no doubt they have capacity and funds so I just let them get on with it.
Fingers crossed...

I posted at the end of September and should have come back much sooner to thank PPs for their supportive responses then.
My mum was struggling with dreadful anxiety following a stroke in July and following posting here, I did get her to agree to see her GP and she has been on sertraline since then and is much calmer and happier.
I have caught up reading the Summer and Autumn threads - such a marvellously supportive community.

Hi, I'm hoping I can join. My incredibly young (so I think) mum has been in full time residential care since Feb this year, she has fairly advanced dementia although no official diagnosis of the cause of it. She's 72.

Unfortunately my Dad died suddenly and completely unexpectedly in June this year at 67. I was already looking after my Mam in terms of finances, care plan etc which I suppose is a blessing really.

I don't have a question, I think I just need to be somewhere where people can understand it, I'm in my 30s and thankfully none of my friends are here yet.

@Itsjustafly So sorry for your loss. Unexpected passing at such a young age must have been a terrible shock and only consolation is that he didn't face an inevitable decline. 72 is so young for advanced dementia as well so I really feel for what you're going through.
I'm new too! Heard about the cockroach cafe and thought I'd look it up. So reassuring to know you're not alone and that so many of us are struggling with becoming the parent to our oldies.
I've had 3 years of hell after 20 of sole responsibility for all my DGM's needs. I moved across country, but also had to clear 50 years of hoarding in my DGM's flat 2.5 hours drive away whilst also visiting daily whilst she was in hospital or rehab after falls. No help from her 3 children! Just expected updates regularly. Tbf they live abroad (less than an hours flight) but some help would have made life easier.
DGM now moved to local care home so I can visit every day. She's 100, advanced dementia and can't communicate her needs at all but can say yes and no if asked a question. I am beyond exhausted by it all.
To all on here, look after yourselves x

Welcome @Itsjustafly and would you like a drink.

I lost one parent young like you, quite a while ago now, and my friends are just now beginning to 'catch up'! It feels a bit weird being an 'expert'! My remaining parent is now elderly and struggling (no dementia) but I have had to learn a lot about boundaries over the last couple of decades, otherwise I would have lost my independence and not had the chance to develop a career and have a family. Which also makes me the sandwich generation!

It's often said on here it's a marathon,
not a sprint though!

Welcome to the newbies. Make yourselves at home. I avoided some of the caring nightmare in that both my parents went into care within 2 years of needing a lot of help. And my sibling and I have yhe same approach and have always agreed on things, which I now know is a god send.

@Itsjustafly 72 is young and loosing your father at 67 too so sorry to hear that. My SIL’s mother had dementia in her late 50s, SiL and her sister were late 20s/early 30s and their father was obviously shocked and very upset by it all. I remember how hard it was but didn’t appreciate it truly at the time. I hope you have family around who are supportive.

I am here because of MiL, but ended up being the person she relied on most which I have found draining and frustrating as it felt everyone just expected it, family, doctors and social services too! she suddenly deteriorated after a nasty fall and two operations (one failed), and after 6 months a social worker concluded she needed a nursing home.

@Lemondoughnut you have been a star, I just have to wonder what family and social services etc would have done if you hadn’t come to the rescue. I couldn’t have carried on for 2 years! I am slowly but surely clearing bits from the flat. MiL has kept every card and letter she has ever had, every trinket etc. light bulbs that don’t fit her lights.., and so on I go once a week to check everything is OK and take bags to the tip and charity where I can but also try to judge what others might want. Her insurance won’t cover for theft so anything if value we have in boxes at our house / TBF not much has value.

The electrics have stopped working and I arrived on a downpour to discover a leak in the roof that filled a small bucket! I do the banking, find the decorators etc. Write to her best friend and her step daughter. But DH SiL takes over on the easy but obvious things that put her in the limelight such as the Christmas present - nursing home said just one present to open at their Christmas lunch, they told DH SiL on one of her monthly visits so DH she announced this and that she will buy it, wrap it etc. Silly thing for me to be furious about but where was she For the horrid stuff, the soiled bedlinen, the endless pre fall hospital appointments, the phone calls reminding me about her appointments and asking 3 times what time to pick her up etc etc. She has never taken MiL shopping for clothes! And this really is childish of me, but DH & I who left school at 16:17 so proud of our three for their degrees from top Unis, only grandchildren to go / DH SiL daughter has a college course grad ceremony in full regalia and put a massive photo of her holding a scroll in front of my middle one’s graduation in Durham Cathedral. I swapped them round 🤣.

Seeing MiL tomorrow, visit will start with tears and accusations, and hopefully she will calm down and DH will get a smile or two. Most visits she asks me why I want twins. 😮. At one point it was triplets. I remind her I am a little too old but I do have three children in their 20s! Learning not to correct too much and how to divert the conversation has been harder for DH, but he is there now. He doesn’t like visiting his DM on his own though. I do say when this is my DM will you do all this for me and her😮. He won’t need to because I have much closer relationship with siblings, I think that makes all the difference; and I have the best SiL who has been through this.

Have good weekends all, find some ‘me time’ 🤞.