My mother is dying and I'm racing to get to her - no point to this thread.

[SphincterSaysWhat]

That's it really.

We're abroad and she's in the NE England. She has had a massive stroke and I'm alone, racing to the airport to get a flight I might miss.

I want to see her before she goes. She's no conscious.

My sister is with her.

My heart is broken into one million piece. No need to respond - I'm just alone (husband back at resort with the kids) so just chatting I suppose. I've had an hour sleep overnight, I look like an actual muppet (crying eyes).

She is 73 and a fire cracker. She's remarkable. My heart is broken.

Sending you all my best, OP.

Only sometimes it doesn't work that way... my mother died 17 years ago in her early 60s, youngest of the family. Her elder sister is still alive and in good health at 90.

It will be comforting to have your aunt there too @SphincterSaysWhat x

I'm playing her music, we're sharing a set of ear phones so I'm hearing what she's hearing.
We've had Raglan Road (her fave - I also sang this for her last night as best I can in the circs).
Now The Leaving of Liverpool (lots of Dubliners music here).

How will I know what the end looks like? What are the signs?

She is likely to sleep more and more. Her breathing will slow and become erratic. The HCPs should be able to tell you when she's getting close to the end, but it can be stop and start.

Lovely you are singing to her, OP. That will be so good for her to hear.

https://www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/death-and-dying-what-expect/last-moments

We played The Leaving of Liverpool to my granny when she was in her last hours ❤️

The end us different for everyone. My Granny did the ‘death rattle’ - an alarming sort of rasping breathing at the end - and tried to sit up (probably a reflex) before she passed away.

I lost my best friend to cancer in 2021 and her breathing just slowed right down to deep breaths with more and more time between them until she just stopped breathing. Very peaceful.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but so glad you are with your Mum x

@WithTheHatToMatch I'm so sorry about your best friend. That is so recent and so so sad.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I don’t think there are any particular signs. You’re there and that’s all you can do.

OP thinking of you and your sister. We managed to all be with our DD when he passed. So glad you made it there x

Am so sorry OP . Am glad your lovely Mum is comfortable and not distressed. If you suspect that your Mum is getting distressed just mention to the nursing staff and they can top up the meds that are in syringe driver. Sending hugs your way ,Xx💐

I'm so sorry for what you are going through op . You said that you like to know what might happen - I hope this may help

I've went through this with my Nan last week . During the overnight stint I watched The ted talk by Katherine mannix called what happens as we die . It was really helpful and explained the rattling and gradual slowing of breathing .

I was allowed to help with nans mouthcare as was in the room all of the time. On the last 24 hours she lost the ability to swallow so we applied a gel to her mouth and gums which moistened it for her

Don't hesitate to ask the nurses for more medication if your mum seems agitated . They can give anti nausea , sedatives, pain medication and anti secretion meds on top of what is in the syringe driver

Hospice nurses say that hearing is the last sense to go so we talked to nan a lot

Please make sure you look after yourself in terms of taking the time to eat , drink and get a 5 minute doses of fresh air when you can .

This bit is incredibly hard but it's a marathon rather than a sprint. Afterwards there is still all of the sadmin and funeral arrangements.

You might need to give your mum 'permission' to go. I've had friends whose dying parents hung on until my friend had said 'its okay to go be with dad/gran etc'. Within a few hours (usually when my friend had gone for food or something) their parent slipped away peacefully.
Thinking of you and yours x

I agree with this. My DM and Aunty sat by my Granny's bedside for days, taking turns to go for food etc. The one time they decided to go and grab a coffee together, my Granny slipped away. They were only gone 20 minutes. It was as if she was waiting for them to leave before letting go x

Yes, this seems to happen quite a lot. It's as if they don't want to put you through it, even though you want to be there. I know someone who left their mum's bedside, and she had passed by the time they got to the carpark.

It's hard to describe @SphincterSaysWhat - but honestly, you will know. Their breathing changes. We came back into the room and mum was pushing her tongue in a strange way in her mouth, and we knew instantly that this was it.

I love that you are playing her music. We never thought of that and mum would have loved it. She loved singing, and there are so many songs that she sang us as children! Irish too, and she sang us The Hills of Donegal, The Black Velvet Band, the Star of the County Down, Fields of Athenry...

What we did have was lots of visitors in her last days. Family, friends, neighbours. She was in a side room. She couldn't communicate at all, but it was like a party some days in her room. She would have been in her element! I just hope she could hear it.

My heart goes out to you. Treasure this time though xx

It was as if she was waiting for them to leave before letting go x

Perhaps for some people dying is a very private act that they would prefer to do alone?

(Gentle hugs.)

That can be the case sometimes.

@SphincterSaysWhat, I'm a strong believer in people picking their time. My DDad waited until we had a night at home, (at DM's insistence - she couldn't face the thought that he was dying) - he hung on until the moment we arrived, literally. I honestly believed he needed to be alone, but knowing that we would be with him soon - he hated all of the fuss and attention.
With DM, I had told her privately that is was ok for her to go when she was ready. She chose a time when all three of us children were with her, but peaceful and quiet. I was snoozing in a z bed, DBro was on his phone, and my DSis was just sitting next to DM. There was a change to her breathing - DSis roused me - and DM went.
The change to the breathing is a good indicator that things are moving on.
You will know, I believe. It's not a violent thing, more of a peaceful closure - or at least that's my experience. I hope it's like that for you too.

As vipers said, there will be a change in your mum’s breathing. A lot fewer breaths, maybe strange sounds from the breathing or gasping. It’s called agonal breathing. The brain isn’t getting enough oxygen but it isn’t painful. Then one last breath.

My mum had a massive, life ending stroke in 2020. Doctors said she would never leave hospital.
She's still here, whether that is a blessing or not I will leave aside. All the best OP and I wish the best outcome for you, your family and your Mum.
what I will say is that I told the nursing and medical staff I thought mum was "still there" because of her reactions to things I was telling her and reading to her. they told me I was imagining things and it was just reflexes. I knew they were all wrong and I was indeed proved right. Trust your instincts and make the most of the time you have left xx

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

There isn't always a warning sign that it's imminent, DH (he'd had a massive stroke twelve weeks before) had been agitated some hours beforehand, the nurses finally managed to get to us and increase the meds in his syringe driver, he then slept peacefully until the early hours of the next morning when he suddenly woke, looked for me, reached out his hand and stopped breathing. It's been 20 months since he died and although the weeks before his death had been awful his death itself was so peaceful, just me, him, the log burner and his playlist playing. It's so hard but it is the last gift we can give our loved one .

You poor poor love. I am so so pleased you made it. I didn't - twice (both parents). I missed my dad by 20 minutes and my mum by 3 hours. I would have given anything to say goodbye. I hope this will give you comfort some day.

She may 'wait' until you are your sister are out of the room. Or until you give her 'permission' to leave. It's a strange thing - we have no control over our moment of death and yet.... it seems we do a tiny bit.

Massive hand hold from me. Huge on. Losing your mum is the worst, but you will be okay op. You will be ok.

As someone upthread said, you can't prepare for the end moment of a loved one - the sudden finality of it, in the space of a breath...that never comes.

Hi all, still here (both of us!).

No change, really. She's still breathing well(ish).

We played music again this evening which was lovely. My aunt and DM's best friend have been here most of the day. Then a couple of other friends (every last one of them Irish nurses!). I think that'll be it now for visitors. She had visitors yday and I didn't know them so I felt like I couldn't just 'be' and they stayed a long time. They were so nice though and brought sandwiches, club chocolate biscuits and mini apple pies.

I really don't want her hanging on for days and weeks. Months frightens the fuck out of me. She'd hate it.

Husband landed with kids so heading home home now and then to me in the north tomorrow night. He's shattered, god love him!

It'll be nice to see him. The kids won't see her, there's no need for that and I know she wouldn't want it.

My poor mammy.

The staff are great here, I have to say. They come when we call (which is only to ask for top up for the meds that are supposed to help with secretions). They've just topped up the syringe driver so she's on a greater dose of that stuff ('glyco'?) and hopefully that'll settle mum's breathing so it's not as rattly.

I asked the nurse just then how long these things can take - she said that even with withdrawing fluids, a patient could last days.

We'll see. As my aunt says, the Lord will call her when she's ready. They all have a great faith (I don't) so I take comfort in their comfort leaning into their Christ.

We're getting so many messages of love. We're a massive family and mum was loved universally. There was no falling out with anyone - she loved (and was loved by) her in-laws in particular and there's been a lot of "she'll be home with your dad soon enough, she waited a long time to see him again" which again, I like to hear.

I'm leaving shortly so will spend the night in her house (alone, weird) and my aunt will stay with her tonight.

It is heartbreaking and also gorgeous to see my aunt administering to her sister - mouth dabbing, brushing her hair, wiping her face to cool her down, talking to her and then just holding her hand with their mother's rosary tucked into it.

I'm glad I made it. So so glad.

Thank you all for your messages. I do check in and read up when I'm sitting down. Thank you x

What you say about her being with your dad soon really resonates. I'm holding you all in prayers and thoughts.