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Elderly parents

My mother is dying and I'm racing to get to her - no point to this thread.

324 replies

SphincterSaysWhat · 28/10/2023 08:59

That's it really.

We're abroad and she's in the NE England. She has had a massive stroke and I'm alone, racing to the airport to get a flight I might miss.

I want to see her before she goes. She's no conscious.

My sister is with her.

My heart is broken into one million piece. No need to respond - I'm just alone (husband back at resort with the kids) so just chatting I suppose. I've had an hour sleep overnight, I look like an actual muppet (crying eyes).

She is 73 and a fire cracker. She's remarkable. My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Darknights19 · 28/10/2023 22:48

So glad you got there. Sending you best wishes xx

SkaneTos · 28/10/2023 22:50

Thinking of you and your family, OP.

lazysummer · 28/10/2023 22:51

So glad you made it. I was with my sister when we lost my lovely mum to cancer. It’s a bittersweet time, and very precious memory. Your mum will know you are there and will have always known how much you both loved her. Xx

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 28/10/2023 23:01

I'm glad you got to your mum in time. She will know you're there. Also hoping you've had something to eat by now, you need to look after yourself to be able to look after her. 💐

SphincterSaysWhat · 28/10/2023 23:03

Sister has left to get some much needed rest, if she can. I'm here now, just me and mum.

I like to know how things are going to pan out - I'm not one for blissful ignorance. I've been looking up how it ends.

She sounds so rattly. Like she's in a deep, heavy sleep which is causing her to snore and she has a bad chest. It's just that she can't swallow, so all the liquid is pooling in her throat. It's an awful sound - they've given her meds to dry her up (more than what's already in the syringe driver) and have suctioned her (which was unbearable - she did not like it, and she bit down).

Apparently these are all reflexes, not to be mistaken for any good signs.

The nurses are so good. They talk to her before they do anything.

I can't believe that this is the end. It looks like she's having a sleep. Her poor face battered by the fall (no defensive marks on her hands, so she didn't have time to try and put her arms out to cushion herself).

I hope she wasn't in pain. Everyone says she wasn't.

I hope she isn't in pain now.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I knew this week was the week. It's so close to yesterday I can almost touch it.

I should be getting a z bed soon and I will sleep, I'm sure.

Reading your messages gives me comfort, genuinely x

OP posts:
PetsAreBetter · 28/10/2023 23:05

I'm glad you made it in time. 73 is still quite young so it must have been such a sudden shock. Sorry you're going through this hard time.

Eggsley · 28/10/2023 23:08

Sending lots of love to you, your sister and your lovely mum. She has her girls with her and she will know you are there and that she is surrounded with love xx

Toddlerteaplease · 28/10/2023 23:09

Glad you made it. Hopefully it's a peaceful night for both of you.

SequentialAnalyst · 28/10/2023 23:09

It's Ok. Many many many people over the millennia have done what you and your sister are doing, faced what you are facing. It's life. It's preciousDaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

Lovelymoon · 28/10/2023 23:10

❤️❤️❤️😣

NotaCoolMum · 28/10/2023 23:10

So glad that you made it. I’m sure your voice is giving her so much comfort. I hope you get some rest tonight. 💐

Twistedex · 28/10/2023 23:11

Oh love, I'm so glad you made it to be with her. I've been where you are - four years ago next week - and it's a huge, huge shock to suddenly be sitting with your previously strong and vivacious mum, waiting for her last moments. Sending you very much love

Dibbydoos · 28/10/2023 23:14

Sending a big hug @SphincterSaysWhat I'm so happy you got there.

Bless you all ❤️

BluebellsRoses · 28/10/2023 23:14

I'm so so sorry your mother is dying and I'm so glad for you that you made it. I'm praying for your mum, your sister, the rest of your family, and, of course, for you. We always wish things were different when we lose someone. But you've done what you can to get there; you've massively supported your sister; and you are there for your mum. My mother and I bang heads but she knows how much I love her, and vice versa. Please forgive yourself for having felt irritation with your mum - it's so normal and I'm sure your mum understood. 💐

PortalooSunset · 28/10/2023 23:16

Oh @SphincterSaysWhat I've just seen this thread. Glad you made it to her. Sending you and your sister all the love Flowers

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/10/2023 23:22

No Matter how prepared you are it will still Take you by surprise . Speak to the nurses . Tell them you need to know. Nobody can say when but they can tell you a rough idea .

Just speaking to them can give you comfort .
Also incase you need to call your sister back , if your unsure In changes to your mum call the nurses .

Thinking about you

Mamma2017 · 28/10/2023 23:23

Sending love I’m so glad you are there with your mum ❤️❤️❤️

Scrambledchickens · 28/10/2023 23:24

I am so sorry your amazing Mum is dying, I know it feels so painful but you will get a lot of comfort out of sitting beside her.
I sat alone with my grandmother while she died and it feels like a privilege now to have done so xx

Oilyoilyoilgob · 28/10/2023 23:24

I’m so glad to read you got there, and I’m really sorry your mum is so unwell. I truly believe that her energy will feel the energy of you and your sister. I hope you’re both resting as peacefully as possible. Enjoy reminiscing with your mum, she’ll feel your love and care xx

vipersnest1 · 28/10/2023 23:33

Oh, @SphincterSaysWhat, the waiting and not knowing is so difficult. (I've been there - DM died in January.) It's good that you made it. Make sure you and your DSis tag-team each other so you can both get some rest, or otherwise, is your DM in a side room? We were given two z beds between the three of us siblings (no room for more). It allowed us all to get some rest. As there were also a couple of chairs so you could sit on one with your feet up on the other.
I wish you, your DSis and your DM a peaceful passing.
The syringe driver is a wonderful thing - both my DDad and DM had these before they died. I can honestly say they just slipped away. If your DM's secretions carry on, ask for something to be put in her syringe driver to help.
Sadly, the breathing does sound horrible towards the end, but there is no distress for the person passing away - it's part of the process, so don't let it upset you if you can help it.
Sending you all my wishes for peace and calm in this horrible time. Xx

adriftinadenofvipers · 28/10/2023 23:36

My heart goes out to you my darling, because I have been where you are now. Only my mum died from cancer and was 10 years younger than your mum. Your mum is still far too young!!

We were pretty much in denial when mum was in her final days. I was still working FT when a family friend who had been her carer rang me and told me that I needed to be with her. I came out of work a mere week before she died, and that's a regret I will always carry.

Do you have children, and will they have a chance to say goodbye? My children were 9, 7 and 2. We brought the elder two to say goodbye on what turned out to be 2 days before she died, and she knew they were there because a tear rolled out from both eyes - I'm crying now too because it was the saddest moment ever of my life.

Be guided by your instinct. The nurses were turning mum and moistening her mouth etc, so we had gone to the canteen, but neither my sister or I felt like eating. I suddenly had a feeling, and said to her that we should go back.

When we got back, it was obvious she was dying. We called a nurse in a panic, and she said that the end was very near, which it was.

I hope this isn't adding to your pain, just trying to explain how it can be.

The syringe driver will ensure she's not in pain. My mum had it too.

Unfortunately you never will know what a week may bring. My mum got her terminal diagnosis, and my dad died in his sleep 9 days later. She survived him by 5 months.

Just tell her everything that you want her to know. They say hearing is the last thing to go, and I know my mum heard my children 2 days before she died, from her reaction, although she couldn't communicate in any way.

Sending love xx

cafenoirbiscuit · 28/10/2023 23:40

This was my experience last April. Mum collapsed unexpectedly and didn’t regain consciousness. I drove from one end of the country to the other in the middle of the night with kids, dogs etc, reeling in shock.
The only saving grace was that she didn’t know anything about it. She always did the looking after people and she would have hated to need help. At least our mums were spared that.
it’s brutal and exhausting. Sending you love xxx

VWdieselnightmare · 28/10/2023 23:41

OP, can I make a suggestion as a woman who was in your position some years ago? Talk to your mum. Thank her for all the stuff she did right. Talk to her about some of the best times you had together.

They say hearing is the last sense to go. I don't know. Your mum's had a massive stroke and who knows what she's aware of. But it helped me to know that I'd actually thanked her and told her I loved her and talked about all the good things. I'd like to think that if she could hear and process language in those last hours, the last things she heard were me telling her what a good mum she'd been.

Just a thought. Lucky you to have had her for a mum: lucky her to have had you for a daughter.

Lysianthus · 28/10/2023 23:47

Sending lots of hugs and prayers for your mum, and your family. Xx

fourelementary · 28/10/2023 23:49

@SphincterSaysWhat You can request they do not suction her again. I am trying to find the guidelines about this as I’m sure it is no longer even recommended at end of life to use suctioning. But it’s not in my remit currently so I can’t find the info. But you can refuse it on her behalf as her next of kin…or at least request it not be used… tell them you think it is distressing her and it is not going to make a difference overall at this point.
Definitely use this time to speak to your mum or play her favourite music and just doze next to her. You may notice her breathing change nearer the time she dies- like holding her breath for longer than it coming out. Then eventually one time it just won’t… she should remain comfortable so if she is clenching her hands or her jaw please just ask for more medication As she will be allowed extra on top of what’s in the syringe driver…
Thinking of you all… and hoping for a peaceful passing for her. 💐

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