Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh yes I hear you on the cash and getting scammed by British Gas. DM was paying about £25 a month for a service contract (our fitter charges around £80 a year for a service) and I couldn't get them to come out to service her boiler and fire for months. A week after finally servicing them there was an issue with her boiler and she had to wait weeks (and many calls from me) for BG to come out only for them to be unable to repair it (despite them having okayed it at the service). This was February and she was on their priority list. I ended up getting our fitter to sort it and billing them.
She now has a new boiler and fire and a contract with our much more reliable gas fitter.

Don't get me started on DMs hearing aids. Not a week goes by without one of them getting lost or breaking or batteries running out or pipes or filters needing changing. I am hard of hearing myself and DH wonders why I won't get hearing aids (I am actually waiting for a MRI/referral) - it's because I don't want to inflict the additional stress of them on anyone!

We had the (excellent) community physio out this morning - she was like a gazelle sprinting round and doing exercises for him.

British Gas nearly got mum to buy a new boiler last year but DB managed to stop it as there was nothing wrong with the one she has. Mind you she calls them out at least once a month in the winter so maybe it was revenge. She switches off the heating and forgets she has or fiddles and leaves it mid adjustment and phones them when it doesn't come on. We daren't change to a local, it wouldn't be fair on them.

Oh god boilers. Mum also pays a fortune for a BG contract for her ancient boiler. They quoted her nearly £5k for a new combi boiler but I don’t think she’d cope with the upheaval.

she also fiddles with the controls and denies it and then says is broken when the heating doesn’t come on (because she’s turned it off).

she doesn’t have hearing aids to lose but the status and location of her false teeth is an on going saga…

Today I've had 3 phone calls at work. One from nan asking if anyone has bought clingfilm, once from the carer about booking covid jabs and another from my nans nephew asking how she is.. Seriously I'm at work!!! I was pretty run off my feet anyway so I avoided the call from the nephew. Its lovely that he cares but ring me in the evening!!

This is exactly why I have Do Not Disturb set up on my phone during working hours!

You can fiddle with the settings so that important calls do get through (DH and my DD's school are the only ones I'll receive!)

OMG @countrygirl99 that is my DM with hearing, my DF can’t put his in because of loud TV so now has given up because DM a isn’t deaf it is just the phone and TV don’t work 😮🤣. Third landline phone in a few years. She says but everyone on the village says their phone reception is bad - my answer, mum they mean their mobile phones, there is nothing wrong with the landline. DM & DF showing very early signs of things to come and both incredibly stubborn …. Will be an interesting. DF yesterday insisted it wasn’t half term, even though my course isn’t on and SiL a teacher is on holiday….

will we all be like this? I have promised myself and DH that I will wear hearing aids when I need to, I have continuous tinnitus in one ear so I got tested - ok for now. I noticed too that they both DP need glasses but rarely wear them, as soon as I needed varifocals, a few years ago, I got them and wear them pretty much all the time - I couldn’t bare not to be able to read things or hear things 🙁. Would be useless at choir too… 😁

Worrying trend of elderly being taken advantage of by B Gas. MiL paying £80 pcm
for insurance she really didn’t on white goods and drains, drains covered by landlord insurance and white goods guarantees, consumer law and contents insurance. They wouldn’t cancel it! They scared her into a new boiler with a loan at double the going rate - we would have loaned her the money and our plumber would have put in exact same boiler for £1000 less. She finally paid it off last year. Her income is state pension plus a tiny work pension, I suspect BG has made thousands out of her. 🙁

My parents ditched British Gas because they were constantly trying to sell them a powerflush at £400.

When the boiler needed replacing, I insisted on being there, despite my father's annoyance. But I've just seen too many companies trying to fleece the elderly.

that was 7 years ago so I'm annoyed they're still doing it.

Yes, when DF was alive[so at least 4 years ago) British Gas quoted them £4000 to replace the boiler. We got it replaced by a local company for £1800 last year, immaculate job, no mess and done in a day.

Lots of companies fleecing older customers. BT called my FIL and upgraded his broadband to Halo the day before his wife of 64 years’ funeral. He’s paying £60 pcm to place a Tesco order each week.
I’ve called, raised complaints and spoken to at least five different people and getting nowhere.
It’s absolutely and completely immoral.

@Chumpfriend financial elder abuse is a criminal offense. Local optician talked my 90 year old mum into a pair of 739.00 reading glasses, she had no idea how much they were till she was home and my dad looked at the card receipt. I complained, they were very rude, I phoned age concern who said to call police & trading standards as it is a criminal offense which they take seriously, I called optician again to say I had reported them, the money was returned that day.

Has anyone any experience they can share of buying a lightweight wheelchair? I’ve realised that one of my dreads of taking mum to her appointments is her poor mobility. A chair for infrequent use such as taking her from the car park to the correct hospital department would be very handy. I can see online that foldable chairs are about £130-150 - is there anything I should look out for? I have a small car so something that will fold down and get in the boot is a must.

I had the same issue with Mums mobility and after a few occasions of being unable to park close, I have this one, which was a pricier but bear in mind you may be able to claim the VAT back.
It’s really lightweight but sturdy. It fits in the boot of my Skoda Fabia. The footrests are detachable - I remove them if putting the car in the boot. I find it easier to put it on the back seat if I’m going somewhere with wide enough parking spaces.

The one thing I don’t like is that the handles are a bit low for me but I am 5’10. I keep meaning to see if they can be adjusted.

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/8650775?clickSR=slp:term:wheelchair:3:13:1

Hello, @funnelfan we first got a charity shop wheelchair for dm in an emergency- very heavy, and I found it hurt my back lugging it into the car. It was self propelling so big heavy wheels.
we then got a light weight one- back folds down, feet come off etc. Do you have an ableworld place or similar who sell aids who can advise? Height / weight etc matters too. Red Cross hire and sell some equipment- they may be able to advise.
it really helped. It might be good if you could take her to a showroom to try some- and you can practice folding/ lifting. Feels like folding pushchairs etc!

It might be good if you could take her to a showroom to try some

Id need a chair to get her there! . I’m thinking of something like the attached, which looks like an even lighter version of the one @BestIsWest linked to. She’s eight stone soaking wet so weight not an issue. It’s going to be used so infrequently that long term comfort isn’t going to be a big consideration. She spends most of her day in bed and can totter to the toilet and back. However going from the blue badge spaces at her GP surgery to the reception alone is getting to be a marathon for her, and her eyesight and balance are being very poor. So it’s mostly for wrangling her to and from appointments.

@funnelfan that looks like the model MiL has at the nursing home, movable footrests and lightweight but seems robust. Haven’t tried to fold it myself. Assume you have disabled badge for DM you can use, you get a wider space👍.

@funnelfan weigh up how much use it's going to get and whether you are collapsing it multiple times. I've purchased two. Bigger wheels = smoother, Small wheel= easier for car. This was the one we had laterally but getting spare parts was a problem because I bought it at Costco during lockdown. Had I bought it at a disability shop, I daresay they could have tracked down spares. I preferred the bigger wheels for going over kerbs, although my DSis managed to tip my DM out of any and every wheelchair... but that's a completely different thread...

Bigger wheels = smoother, Small wheel= easier for car. … I preferred the bigger wheels for going over kerbs

thank you @Mum5net , that’s the kind of experience I need to hear and consider, my family having been fortunate enough not to need to think about this kind of thing before.

Agree with @Mum5net re wheels. Small wheels can be v bumpy especially on uneven ground. But lighter .

@funnelfan Agree with pp on the wheels! We have a lightweight portable / foldable one for parents, that can be easily out in back of a small Audi booth.

ours has bigger wheels at back that I think are inflated (I can’t remember but look a bit like jogging push chair wheels) and makes the ride comfier. Also a padded seat and back, and one side the arm rest that can be moved up and down which makes getting in and out much easier.

So, news from one of nans carers...apparently nan doesn't understand why one of us (me or Dsis) can't be with her all the time so she isn't by herself. She thinks we should take it I'm turns to sit in ger flat each day all day. I refuse to be goaded by this. In fact I'm wondering if the carer shouldn't have told us - it seems abit like shit stirring. It also isn't ever going to happen. I do feel upset about how my feelings towards my beloved nan have changed. I would never have predicted it.

@Nodancingshoes Im sorry- yes the carer perhaps shouldn’t have told you- but at least you know what she’s thinking. Dm became increasingly self focussed- in preservation mode, as she became more dependent on care, and more selfish. Very common I think. Please try not to be upset- and try and have as pleasant time as possible with her. And look after yourself.

@sandwich very good observation, self preservation and self focussed @Nodancingshoes it isn’t reasonable or fair for her to have such expectations, not sure caters thought about how it would make you feel being told, it was unhelpful. Mentally I feel the dementia brain can be like a toddler with a chunk of teenager. Both of which are hard enough as a parent, which of course you aren’t. quality time for you both🤞 is more important.

MIL is still with us nearly 6 weeks after the first "best come and visit in the next couple of days" conversation with family. She's either asleep or crying in pain. On so many drugs to releive symptoms that will never go away. Massively swollen legs and pleural oedema despite being on max diuretics dose. Distressed by resulting laboured breathing. Injections to stop her vomiting up her oramorph so i has the chance to have some effect, she's needle phobic and got distressed by IV antibiotics so they are holding off on a morphine driver etc etc. So she gets distressed by the jabs but that's just a frew minutes distress not constant fretting. Horribly reluctant to increase the oral morphine dose - if I ever get to that stage I want all the morphine, send me into oblivion please.

@Nodancingshoes I do wonder if she actually said that, and even so, I hope when i am older that people don't report my passing comments to each other.