Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@seanbeanmarryme I'm sorry. You've had such a long period of strain. I hope you can look after yourself and that your DF is also able to think of her at peace.

@seanbeanmarryme I am so sorry for your loss. She is now at peace. Be really kind to yourself. 🌺🌺

@seanbeanmarryme Commiserations. You will have complicated feelings.

@MotherOfCatBoy Thanks.

Sorry to see your news, @seanbeanmarryme .

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, very much appreciated.

@seanbeanmarryme sorry to hear your news. Look after yourself.

@seanbeanmarryme so sorry to hear of your loss.

@seanbeanmarryme sorry to hear of your loss. Take it easy and don't overdo things now!

🌺 @seanbeanmarryme so sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear your news seanbeanmarryme and meredintofpanticulation

@seanbeanmarryme sorry for your loss

Hi all

this might seem an odd question to ask here but I feel like you all know me best in terms of helping me get clarity

And you certainly know all the stress of elderly parents and how it warps your brain

To recap - i moved partly to be close to mum and save on the horrible train journey, having to spend nights there etc, and partly to escape an area that was turning to shit.

but sadly the new build property I've moved into is not good - loads of issues, of course the building ccompany is fulky legalky covered and I have tried and failed at dealing with them.

I am so completely broken I don't feel able to rent either of them out. But my original home needs about 3k electrical work before it can be rented out anyway.

I am very homesick for my old flat (but not the area which is a shithole). Plus, I'm in a smaller flat and now I can't use space at mum's, I'm really struggling, total cabin fever, and winter will be worse. I prefer not to go out in winter.

I can say up front that my choice - if I could face packing etc, would be to be pull out of the sale and go home for the winter at least.

But then I'm stuck with two properties, two sets of mgmt fees, the possibility that mum will produce another crisis etc etc.

Of course, my buyer is now - after five months - saying he can exchange "very soon".

I know if I sell up, I will be weeping for the home I should not have left. I've already done that a few times here. But I also stand to lose a lot of money - actual cash - if I keep them both.

Plus the relentlessly awful process that is now property sales - I'll have to do it all over again - on a high rise with a tripartite lease, that's £2k in legal fees this tome. No doubt the price will rise next time.

I don't know what to do. I know what decision makes me happy, but that decision will cost me at least £10k for a possible six months of feeling better? And I'm sure mum will have another crisis - and I can't give that responsibility to anyone else.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a worse mistake. In the new place, the soundproofing is so bad, it only takes next door to have a baby and I'll need to poke my eardrums out with a cocktail stick.

Any thoughts? Maybe in six months, I'll be sufficiently recovered to rent out the new flat? I had my breakdown in late July and still feel dreadful.

thanks for any thoughts.

Hi Emma. I think a lot depends on whether you can take the £10k hit. But from the details that you have said, and from the perspective of knowing how I would feel in that situation, I would move back to your old flat and see how you feel in six months. And take no irreversible decisions, if you can afford to keep both properties, until the spring at the earliest. I don’t know where you are geographically, but the rental market is generally a landlords market at the moment so if you can face getting the new flat rented out, that may relieve some of the financial pressure?

It sounds like the distance you will get from being in your old flat, as well as the comfort you will get from being in those surroundings, may help you heal.

I will add a caveat - are you sure the homesickness you feel is for the old flat itself, or the life you were having when you were there, pre-breakdown? I would consider this carefully because if it is the latter, moving back may not give you the whole relief you think. But it still sounds worth it from the physical distance perspective.

@EmmaEmerald that's quite a load.

Sometimes moves are just wrong. But going back to a shitty area sounds potentially bad too.

From what you've written, you would be happier overall pulling out of the sale and going back to your previous flat.

A few days ago you said you weren't even going to consider how close you were to your mother in the future. Maybe that's shifted a bit. But was leaving your haven a contributor to your breakdown?

Is your new flat potentially saleable? Really hard to know in this market.

funnelfan "I will add a caveat - are you sure the homesickness you feel is for the old flat itself, or the life you were having when you were there, pre-breakdown?"

This is a good point and one I have considered.

I did feel broken hearted to leave the flat itself, and I think mum had her first major health thing in June.

From memory, I can say that between arriving here in mid April, and mum's incident in June, I sat down and cried for my old home at least three times. I still haven't unpacked properly. I didn't grieve the flat in June and July as I was too stressed with mum crap.

For me, the big factors now are soundproofing and size.

Also, there were two families responsible for anti social behaviour in the block I was in and I hear from the neighbours that one of them has moved, which is good.

A big factor as well as that legal processes might get worse. I last sold a property in 2020. It may be that it wasn't a high rise and the lease was straightforward, but that was so easy. What the hell happened inbetween?!

I am amazed at how much hassle this sale has been, but, barring any nasty surprises, my side of the legal paperwork is done.

Bloody buyer - I would have been prepping to leave tomorrow - literally was going to the bed shop - then he put a rocket up his solicitor. May not work though, as mysteriously there are more queries to satisfy on the mortgage side. Mortgage lenders will be asking to see how many jumping jacks you can do next.

This is useful to type out..if I go back, I have to see it as extremely long term or permanent. The moving process is now entirely mad.

And I'm sure mum will have another crisis - and I can't give that responsibility to anyone else.

You have so much on your plate. I'm sorry it's so stressful.

Thanks

all she does at the moment is bang on about me wasting money, not hurrying up the sale...obviously I have stopped talking to her about it.

I could consider all the holidays she and dad went on as a total waste of money.

that's a real issue though, if she winds up in hospital again, I am simply exhausted, so either I don't visit or there'll be a lot of cab money spent.

Having a DC currently sofa surfing in London, any flat - whether it’s tiny or has tissue paper walls will be snapped up for rental. That’s absolutely in your favour. Electrical work will be a pain but get on to it tomorrow and into a queue and the relief you feel will be immense. The sooner you act, the sooner you will get back to a normality.

Find a letting agent that’s recommended and if you can afford, they can do all the checks. They will take the pain out of the arrangement but it’s perfectly possible you will have tenants with a couple of weeks so your income stream will kick in quickly.

Mum5net it's the new flat I'd rent out. Sorry, I probably wasn't clear.
I have hit the point where I can't recall if I've eaten or showered. This is the most ill I've ever been. I will not be in a fit state to do the admin for a rental for a while. Spring, maybe? I could no way deal with an agent or electrician or anything.

I'm literally thinking

1. pull out of sale

2. get bed delivered to old empty flat

3. pack bag

4. go to flat, lie in bed, recover.

Is the sale of your old flat? It sounds like you need to press the pause/ stop button.
is there somewhere you can go where someone can look after you?

thesandwich I think there might be a bit missing from your sentence?

There is no one to look after me, unless I go back to my old flat, where two neighbours will help shop and stuff. I also wouldn't have to change GP, I hadn't done that yet. Not that it matters much, the way GPs are!

Emma - you haven't recovered at all from your recent breakdown.
You really need a rest from your caring responsibilities.

I haven't been doing any caring unless you count online food shops

but you are right, I haven't recovered, I have existed and now I am getting worse.

Sorry, that's kind of what I meant.
I'm not blaming you but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate still.