Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Dad has never had a dementia diagnosis, and the nursing home don't think he has dementia. He still knows who I am, when I told him I was going to check if I'd locked my car, on my return he said "was it locked?", when I told him at 12.23 I was going at 12.30 he said "we've got 7 minutes left" But he does have these very vivid delusions and lives in a different world from the rest of us! It's all very strange.

If it happens every two years, I'm hoping there won't be another one - 101 years seems a fair share of life for anyone. While he's very content ("I'm warm, well fed and comfortable", surely he doesn't want this to go on for ever?

Mum has brief spells of lucidity in hospital so I fully get your excitement! She still can't walk or sit unaided. Two weeks ago we thought she was on her way out, refusing to eat, drink or take medication. Last week she had some kind of infection, her temperature was spiking and she was sick so they gave her antibiotics and all her medication in liquid form. By the end of the week she was making jokes, laughing, playing the fool and talking sensibly. A different person. That has continued this week. She was telling me that she feels well enough to go home. 😱 She's immobile, doubly incontinent and has cognitive impairment. I said nothing but if social services hear that, I can imagine what'll happen. Anyway, no point in worrying about it just now.

Unfortunately the gp referred Mum's death to the coroner so we haven't been able to register her death yet which also means no funeral date yet.
Death was referred due the falls she had in her final weeks. Does anyone have any experience of this, wondering how long we will have to wait?

It varies from area to area but when my aunt's death was referred to the coroner it was six weeks before we could hold her funeral.

There was a very interesting advice column by Phillipa Perry this morning in the Guardian. A situation that has lots of relevance to many of us who frequent the cockroach cafe. Phillipa’s advice was that you’re going to either feel guilty or resentment, so embrace the guilt and learn to live with it.

i would have gone further, especially bearing in mind Emma’s current situation - resentment being the least worst alternative to guilt. It’s often a lot worse than mere “resentment”. Interesting range of comments, many from whom obviously “get it”.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/22/ask-philippa-perry-my-mums-depression-drags-me-down-i-feel-i-need-to-stay-away

7 weeks after, coroner’s report and final death certificate not yet received. But interim death certificate and body released after 2. So you may be able to have funeral after not too long

Thanks for sharing that. I am not sure I agree with the response though.

DF’s death was referred to the coroner but we were able to have the funeral quite quickly. I think it was less than three weeks. It was mid pandemic and a lot of things were done over the phone rather than in person which may actually have speeded things up.

I think Philippa Perry gives insightful advice. That line about the mother wanting in essence for history to repeat itself to feel better about her choices. That is the difference between MiL and DM. MiL cared for her mother then her DH, she moaned that her sister didn’t help care for their mother rather than seeing that neither had to / there were other choices because a nursing home was affordable etc. MiL said to me ‘that’s what family do’ basically take on the care role fully and I realised that she expected me to for her because I am the women and not working full time. She couldn’t say it out loud, but she did expect it - I know my DM knew a care home was best for her much older spinster sister who suffered depression and scared us all with an unsuccessful overdose attempt. MiL in nursing home now who have persuaded her to take anti depressants she likely should have been on for years, but it is because of her dementia she has given in to taking them. I think her life would have been so much fuller if she had taken anti depressants earlier, she shut herself away gradually because of all her fears and anxieties creating multiple reasons for not enjoying life, turning down holidays, invites from neighbours, stopped coming to my choir performances because 8 pm was late at night - 3 women in the choir were same age as her! Stopped coming for Sunday lunch once a month even though we offered lifts, because it didn’t suit her to eat after 1 pm. She fell out with her only friend who used to ring and met up with her. I don’t feel guilty, we tried and she always had a reason to say no, never a good reason. Now in the nursing home in lucid moments she is says she is lonely and no one likes her - but she is far less lonely than she has been for a long time. DH spends more time talking to her now than he has in years! Sadly she can’t hear him and her dementia of course leads to little in the way of proper conversation now. But I dint feel guilty, I think DH did for a while but he hardly offered an alternative and knew I was struggling with the burden I didn’t want. It’s a different relationship than it will be with my own DP, but they have friends now in care homes and are fairly practical and happy and able to pay for help. Although DF keeps saying, come and visit! I feel a tad guilty we don’t visit as often as I think they would like but they are busy and sociable atm. 🤞.

sean the situations I've heard, they release an interim certificate

I'm sorry, I've lost track of things - were the falls in a care home?

Thanks for replies.
@EmmaEmerald yes falls we're in the home. We were always notified and she was checked over by a nurse and paramedics called when thought necessary.

I think that's pretty standard then, more of a tick box thing.

i've heard of many situations where a post mortem seemed mad, but I think where a care home is involved in a way, they basically always do them.

sorry, it's so much more stress for you.

@seanbeanmarryme sorry about your mum.
my DF was referred to coroner for PM for a fairly routine reason. The funeral directors were familiar with the situation and had a rough idea of when we might expect death certificate and helped us to get on with provisional arrangements for funeral. Their estimated date was pretty much spot on so we were able to just ‘activate’ the plan.

The interim certificate is for telling banks, pension providers, DWP, etc. you need the full certificate to register the death.

I’ve an idea that the body can be released earlier for a burial than for a cremation.

When I went to mum's last Wednesday she told me she'd fallen in the garden and she'd been having dizzy spells. DB2 has been trying to make a GP appointment for her but can never get through at 8.30 and when he phones later gets told they can only make appointments at 8.30. At least he can try, mum would never understand. 85, having falls and dizzy spells and it's tough. And guess who her MP is - Secretary of State for Health. No point writing to him. He couldn't see the problem when other DB wrote to him because dad (94, heart condition, deaf and partially sighted with mobility issues among other things) couldn't get a face to face appointment during covid despite his hospital consultant writing to his GP saying it was vital to see him face to face.
And breathe

Temporarily lost login detail…. From clearing history!

so sorry @seanbeanmarryme to read your news, and hope all the advice re coroners report etc have helped. And that you can make plans.

@countrygirl99 sorry to hear lack of support from GP or ability to get an appointment. A good friend had UTI, she knew a quick call to GP would provide anti biotics but had exact same, 3 days of agony because of 8.30 rule and being in a queue. If you have time I would still write to MP, it builds a picture if nothing else. I am lucky to have an amazing MP, a fairly new to the job Liberal, she responds to every letter and I often see her in Parliament fighting for her constituency. I hope she doesn’t run out of steam….

I am furious atm. MiL eldest GC asked to visit yesterday so we stayed away (MiL can’t cope with 2 visits), DH messaged his neice and said do keep in touch and we invited her to call in if she wanted after. Nothing. We continued with our plans then called the nursing home. No visitors had been and we couldn’t make it that late in the day.

MiL not allowed to leave her room due to infection and getting distressed, she really needed a visit and we had told to expect her GC (although she won’t have remembered). DH says he will message his neice if she hasn’t messaged first and find a way to say how unkind this is.

DH family are all experts, and always know best (think they are but are in truth are quite the opposite). At least I didn’t get a visitor telling me what to do and what to tell the nursing home to do. 😁. GP reviewing MiL tomorrow. 🤞

Thanks for the advice from everyone, hopefully we can get dates sorted soon.

DH says he will message his neice if she hasn’t messaged first and find a way to say how unkind this is. She won’t have realised how critical her visit was. Doubt she was deliberately unkind. But she needs to know that if something stops here doing a promised visit, she needs to let someone know so that somebody else can go instead.

@countrygirl99 I would make a formal complaint to GP, then escalate to PALS. 111 may be worth a try. DB will need to get very firm, and very clear that she needs an appointment.

Is it worth (and possible) changing surgery? Ours does appointments through an “on-line appointment desk”, you explain your problem, how long it’s been going on for, attach a photo if it helps, and whether it’s getting worse. The last four times I’ve used it I’ve had 1)direct referral to physio who texted the same day offering appointment 2) same day phone call 3) same day appointment 4) same day phone call from (marvellous to relate) the same doctor who’d dealt with the problem before. So some GPs have managed to sort the appointment problem.

He finally got through this morning and has an appointment for tomorrow. No chance of changing surgery as there's only one in her small town. They seem very backwards with technology and don't have an online system at all. I'm a bit worried that the dizzy spells are going to mean more GP appointments which is going to be hard to manage.

@countrygirl99 🤞they are thorough and efficient. Had mixed experiences with MiL, response on so many times was to send her to A&E - but new keen GP made a double appointment and was kind and thorough - I helped MiL write a list of worries and symptoms which helped. Worth making notes maybe with times and descriptions of dizzy spells if you DF can do this to take for your DM.

@Juneday trying to get anything sensible out of mum now is impossible. But I do know that if she says she thinks she needs to see the GP then she really does, she's an avoider normally. For example one day a week she goes to a lunch club run by the Salvation Army. A few weeks ago she told me she had started going to a coffee morning on another day. Asked her who runs it - Salvation Army. Last week she was telling me all the activities she had done that week. I know she gave bowling early summer as none of her friends go now and it outdoor and finishes in September. She mentioned the coffee morning but now it isn't run by the SA but she can't remember who runs it or where it is. I suspect it was a one off event but can't be sure.
She's also had more work done in the garden - was massively ripped off a couple of months ago - only done in the few days between my visits but insists it was weeks ago. Again can't remember who did it (hopefully not the same bunch) or how much she paid. The job hadn't even been suggested on any previous visits. We won't know what she's paid until the cheque hits the account.
A couple of weeks ago I took her to the GP for jabs. She'd lost her debit card so I got her emergency cash and took her to the supermarket. The next day she told my brother she hadn't seen me for weeks and was totally confused when he asked if her new card had arrived yet. Checked her purse and was amazed he knew as "she'd only realised she had lost it when he asked". The replacement had been requested by her 5 days earlier.

@countrygirl99 thats so hard for you and your family. before MiL was found a nursing home by SS, she was obsessed with going to the dentist and thought she would be ‘struck off’ no matter how many times I said they cancelled because of Covid. Told ENT she only needed one hearing aid and absolutely refused to be measured up for second, then said everyone was lying she always wanted 2. Not that she ever learned to put her one in, then lost it at nursing home. Now keeps asking why she doesn’t have hearing aids😮. Same with mobile phones, she gets them, refuses to learn to use one and then constantly says it’s not fair everyone has a phone - get me one. We just go along with it.

It must be such a worry when you don’t know exactly what is going on - particularly people taking advantage that is so wicked by sadly common. MiL was very anxious when at home so as far as we can tell never got scammed in any way (other than by British Gas IMO!!). MiL still asks for cash, but we nod now rather than explain she has an account at the home. She used to ask for cash a lot - I found £100 of coins that took me several trips to bank for her 😁. I know many that age group prefer cash, but was always reluctant to get much out for MiL.

sorry to hear about her purse, it happens to us all I think and it is such a nuisance when it does, more of a worry for you too.

Card not purse! I have done that too …. Thank goodness your DB got her to check though.

@Juneday hearing aids are another nightmare. She needs them. Poor dad used to have to take his out because she turned the tv up so loud. Finally she went to Boots for a test " to prove there's nothing wrong with my hearing" and came out having ordered really expensive ones. Then she completely forgot the whole thing and decided they must be dad's and threw them away when he died. Now it's 50/50 that she'll want answer the phone in the afternoon or evening when the tv is on because she just doesn't hear it. But of course that means there is something wrong with the phone because there's nothing wrong with her hearing. You can clearly hear the TV in her front garden and it's in a back room. I pity her neighbours.