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Elderly parents
Original poster

Life expectancy sent by email - relative

598 replies

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:12

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

OP posts:
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JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 13:36

I had 1st ct, 2nd ct - doubled in size, then pet ct at local cancer centre. Third ct last week and a liquid biopsy.

knittingaddict · 13/04/2023 13:37

I should add that my husband had cancer treatments for many years and I'm awaiting biopsys. I am aware of how this all works.

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 13:39

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. I’m very sorry if this has been upsetting to read. I wish everyone all the very best.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 13/04/2023 13:39

Is there anyone in the family that these relatives would listen to?

Or is there any way of protecting their finances?

Original poster
BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 13:41

@Bluebells1970 I’m not sure, they are quite isolated socially.

OP posts:
JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 13:42

This is an awful thing to wonder. Perhaps they want family attention?

Theeaglesoared · 13/04/2023 13:42

I would pretend to believe him and ask if there's anything he'd like to do in his final months. His answer will be illuminating.

Blossomandblooms · 13/04/2023 13:48

I'm a nurse and we would never, ever give out sad news like this via email. During Covid, we sadly did have to deliver news over the phone / virtual calls. I would ask to see the emails as that isn't normal at all.

EmmaEmerald · 13/04/2023 13:51

OP are you saying you're engaging with this because you're friends with his parents?

how close are you with them?

REP22 · 13/04/2023 13:52

Very sadly I suspect that if they are happy to have him living with them after imprisonment for sex offences then they are unlikely to do anything over false medical diagnoses. Or are you concerned that they are not happy to have him living with them, or are being manipulated? If they are isolated and vulnerable and you are concerned, you could consider reporting your concerns. There's some advice on AgeUK - Protect yourself and loved ones from elderly abuse | Age UK. Or you could write to their GP and say that you are concerned for their welfare with what's going on.

Best wishes to you. It must be very worrying.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2023 13:54

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 13:27

notpizza can I please ask a question?

Of course

DogInATent · 13/04/2023 13:56

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:43

@Hoppinggreen his parents are devastated by the diagnosis and are extremely worried about how they will care for him. I can’t bear to see them being manipulated, if that is the case.

You've mentioned something here that's a way in for someone else to find out what's going on.

his parents are devastated by the diagnosis and are extremely worried about how they will care for him

You need to speak to his parents, if you have a close enough relationship. Encouraging them to speak to their doctor/Macmillan about how they can support and look after him at this time. If he's lying he will do everything he can to prevent them talking to any professional about this, but they just need to keep repeating that it's too serious, they must have the information to be able to look after him. That they are elderly and infirm opens up the possibility for yourself or another family member or close friend to step in to support them through this.

Exhibity · 13/04/2023 13:56

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:34

Ok thank you. I was very surprised about it.

Would a clinician refer to another doctor as a “top oncologist”?

No they wouldn't.

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 14:03

@notapizzaeater how many ct scans before your husband had biopsy pls?

Floralnomad · 13/04/2023 14:04

Just tell him that it’s bollocks , you know it’s bollocks and is he doing it because his diagnosis is actually worse than he’s saying , that way you are still actually being quite kind.

rogueone · 13/04/2023 14:05

He is a liar. It took weeks and multiple scans and biopsies for my DH to receive his diagnosis. He had face to face appointments and never once was he give a timescale. They needed to do a biopsy to understand the type of cancer and consider treatment options. Following surgery and chemo my DH cancer biology changed and he was able to commence immunotherapy. Your relative is lying and it is a nasty lie too

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2023 14:06

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 14:03

@notapizzaeater how many ct scans before your husband had biopsy pls?

@JingleBellez

He had ultrasound which found enlarged lymph nodes, then was sent for a CT and a PET scan then needle biopsy. Then we had monthly X-rays and 1/4ly CT when having treatment

Luckydip1 · 13/04/2023 14:07

No chances the NHS only communicates by post.

springhas · 13/04/2023 14:07

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 14:03

@notapizzaeater how many ct scans before your husband had biopsy pls?

Usually 1. The scan identifies that there’s something there prob cancer and the biopsy diagnoses if it is a cancer and the kind of cancer. Some are more treatable than others esp on lung cancer where new advances can control incurable cancers for extended periods of time, sometimes years.

Nailsandthesea · 13/04/2023 14:09

Actually I think this is a police matter - he is effectively conning them and probably others - motive? Money? Trips? Comfort?

if you have screenshots I would report to the police and say he is acting to isolate elderly vulnerable parents.

in my case my then husband and I were in a bad place due to his actions and he phoned me from the hospital and said he had been diagnosed with cancer. A trip to the police (he texted me and our daughter who was 7 his ward) as no such ward at hospital. Phoned his parents - he went AWOL. He still 10 years later is alive and kicking and has no cancer.

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 14:09

I've just had my third ct scan... thank you for that xx

Creepyrosemary · 13/04/2023 14:09

I used to work for a company doctor and we had several cases of people lying that they have cancer. I'm also pretty sure that some other stories were lies but the cancer ones were proven. Some people only think of themselves.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 13/04/2023 14:11

@Facem81 its a turn of phrase 🙄

PrincessScarlett · 13/04/2023 14:14

This is so awful. Presume that he is going to spend all of his parents money. Possibly con them out of money and disappear. Does he have any siblings? Is there anyone else in the family that you can speak to?

tribpot · 13/04/2023 14:16

I would imagine he's going to need to be sent to the US for 'experimental treatment' which (once he's taken all of their dosh) will lead to a 'miracle cure'.