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Elderly parents
Original poster

Life expectancy sent by email - relative

598 replies

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:12

Hi, I hope someone can help.

I’m really shocked by this communication but I could well be missing something. A relative received an email after a CT scan saying he had inoperable lung cancer and giving him 2 years to live. 2 weeks later another email saying his scan had been sent to another clinician who has concluded he has 8 months to live.
This feels so cruel, I would have thought these conversations happen face to face or at least over the phone where you can ask questions.
Does anyone else have any experience of this type of communication?

OP posts:
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whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 15:26

I would go the route of seeking loads of official support for him and his parents as it's a win win, either he gets exposed in a diplomatic way that has nothing to do with you, or he gets actual support in the tiny sliver of 0.1% off-chance it's true.

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 15:27

From your follow ups it sounds as if this is indeed some kind of scam by a sex offender, a manipulator with a criminal history. The only victims you've thought of are his parents, but there may well be others (he may be manipulating / extorting money from gullible women, running a "go fund me" "treatment abroad" fundraising con etc.)

I think this would be worth reporting to police as a possible fraud by a person with a record. If you tell them which hospital he purports to have attended, they can make enquiries you can't.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 15:28

I will also add that these people are weaponising cancer and using the fact that it's such a taboo to get away with lying, because nobody would dare to accuse them of lying even if suspicious. But I don't think that's all the more reason to accuse them, as it drags you into an ugly picture anyway. As above, I would get official third parties involved under the guise of support, and then let those sources "out" them, as I/we did with my friend.

NCTDN · 13/04/2023 15:29

I'm reading this and questioning if he's even ever had a hospital appointment of any sort.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 13/04/2023 15:29

I'm another vote for reporting this to the police.

Explain his parents are vulnerable and elderly, his criminal history, what should normally happen with a cancer diagnosis as explained by people here, and how concerned you are.

Also ask which hospital he's being treated at, and contact there PALS team. Ask if a patient would ever be notified in this manner, and also ask what would the usual cancer diagnosis pathway be. It may put your mind at rest and eliminate the doubt your relative is telling the truth. Because he definitely isn't!!

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 13/04/2023 15:30

*their

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 15:30

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 11:39

How to I approach this? Relative is late 40s and living with elderly and infirm parents. He has a history of manipulative and criminal behaviour and has been in prison for sex offences.

That’s your answer then. He’s full of shit.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 15:31

But Munchausen Syndrome in itself isn't a crime until they start taking money (which I appreciate is likely, but do the police investigate imagined / possible future crimes by individuals?)

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/04/2023 15:32

Yes it’s going to be a bucket list that involves far flung travel.

As he's a a sex offender, this might be to very specific parts of the world.

longtompot · 13/04/2023 15:33

I think going down the route of putting in a complaint to PALS is a good idea. It's not saying you disbelieve him, so if the slightest chance this has actually happened, you won't cause any ill feeling with his parents.

You could always contact PALS and ask them if this is the hospitals policy with regards to cancer diagnosis and how they inform patients.

SilverPeacock · 13/04/2023 15:33

LIZS · 13/04/2023 15:08

Not sure about that. We have had hospital records and communications emailed.

Show quote history

Unencrypted they really shouldn’t be, but yes take your point that they are probably not all careful about this

AgrathaChristie · 13/04/2023 15:34

BillStickersIsInnocent · 13/04/2023 12:46

@IAteAllTheTomatoes I have actually forwarded their helpline number to the family as I was surprised he hadn’t been offered support. There has been a macmillan referral apparently but this has been repeatedly cancelled by the nurses and another appointment hasn’t been booked.

Then I’m def calling bullshit. Friend was referred to McMillan, they were brilliant. Visited within days, gave him lots of choices, offered to visit whenever he wanted.
Sadly , I think pp are right—- scam for big holiday, big fundraiser for whatever. His poor parents.

LIZS · 13/04/2023 15:40

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/04/2023 15:32

Yes it’s going to be a bucket list that involves far flung travel.

As he's a a sex offender, this might be to very specific parts of the world.

And exclude him from visiting others Hmm

It is unlikely to have unfolded as he claims. Even if he forwarded emails he could easily fabricate them. Who was his original f2f appointment with? Xray and CT are normal for referrals for respiratory issues, the majority of which are not cancer related.

GoodChat · 13/04/2023 15:41

@AgrathaChristie to be fair, in my experience with two different family members, macmillan have been appalling.

I still think the guy is lying but that bit is the least surprising to me if he's not.

cricketmam · 13/04/2023 15:42

No way this would happen. No way.

oachkatzl · 13/04/2023 15:44

This just wouldn't happen.
People are told face to face if it's a terminal diagnosis like that. Two relatives recently died of cancer - within a year of diagnosis - and neither of them was given a timescale as such. One of them wasn't given any indication whatsoever (I felt like they should have been because they and their direct family were thinking years rather than months which is the usual timescale for that particular cancer. They did realize though when he started to go downhill fast - but despite this, he was never, at any point given a timescale - that's probably unusual and I'm not sure why that happened). And the other relative was told it's months rather than years, but not given a time such as 6 months etc.
Nobody would go for a CT scan and then be sent an email saying "You've got cancer and you've got 2 years to live". I'm calling bullshit on this one. And as he has form for manipulative behaviour I'd be wanting more information/evidence from him.

MeridianB · 13/04/2023 15:47

Given his criminal past, is this the start of a scam? Is he about to launch a 'Go Fund Me' account to pay for treatment or a last holiday?

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 15:49

It's a very tricky situation. I would recommend calling the police and raising concerns you have for his vulnerable parents. They may be able to advise you. You could also "take it upon yourself" to get advice from PALS and then when you have their facts speak with him and his parents. Explain you contact pals as you thought it was "disgusting" he was notified by emails and although he has "come to terms" with his diagnosis you couldnt let it drop for other families or what ever and that they informed you of the correct procedure. Then flip it as a conern of I think you might be being tricked or scammed. I have been told no Dr would ever notify by email. We need to see these emails and notify the police blah blah

AnnaMagnani · 13/04/2023 15:50

GoodChat · 13/04/2023 15:41

@AgrathaChristie to be fair, in my experience with two different family members, macmillan have been appalling.

I still think the guy is lying but that bit is the least surprising to me if he's not.

That is because 'Macmillan' doesn't exist.

There are Cancer Nurse Specialists and Community Palliative Care teams. They may or may not be badged as Macmillan but none of them are employed by them.

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 15:51

I had my third CT scan on Easter Sunday - I was told 2 weeks before results, it's been 2 weeks everytime. Even when nodule had doubled.

Pollydolly13 · 13/04/2023 15:52

Hospital appointments in my area are face to face. Followed up by a letter with what was discussed. Could it be that?

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 15:53

he hasnt had a pet ct or a biopsy

speakout · 13/04/2023 15:53

Sounds like the type of thing my mother would tell me.

She is elderly, has a touch of Munhausen's, loves drama, reinvents the truth and has a slight learning disability.

She has told me all sorts of shite over the years- I take everything she tells me with a pinch of salt.
Unless I am there at a doctor's meeting or read the letter myself then assume it is hogwash.

Zilla1 · 13/04/2023 15:55

Having such definitive dates and confirmed by a 'top' oncologist by email - at least they're not bright enough to effectively mislead you, OP.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 15:55

I agree with other posters that this doesn't sound likely and given they're history I'd be very concerned.
This isn't a little lie, it's massive so I'd consider motive. My first thoughts would be to emotionally manipulate someone. Giving that he's living with elderly parents I'd guess they are his targets. Speak with them and see if you can establish if zny money has been 'gifted' then speak with social services and ask to speak with Safeguarding Team for vulnerable adults. Google 'cukooing' and see if any of that applies.
The second reason could be self preservation or panic mode in relation to something he's done. As its a massive lie (yet easily disproven) this sounds like a panic response. Why might a sex offender panic?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say some offenders are desperately trying not to but statistically most offenders put their own needs above others.
Somethings going on (or about to) and you know it. The cancer email is a red herring. Don't get drawn down that rabbit hole of disproving it. He'll keep this up for as long as it takes. You need to find out what caused this behaviour.

Speak to social services, even the probation service for advice. Don't take this on alone. Leave it to the professionals who are specifically trained for these things