The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Ain't this the truth!!

Today has been a bloody awful day. Nan had a fall in the night. Ambulance called - luckily came really quickly. She has a huge black eye and a cut on her arm but seems to be ok other than this. She didn't want to go into hospital and the paramedics agreed she didn't really need to. She had been looking much brighter but now we are back to square one. Work was short-staffed so I had to go in by lunchtime. I was going to have the day off tomorrow cos I'm absolutely shattered but someone else has rung in sick so that's off...My youngest boy is upset that he isn't in tutor group with any of his friends next term - today can just do one.

What a difficult day @Nodancingshoes these multi-generational issues are so difficult. Fortunately my dc are grown up, but we sometimes have to juggle time with PILs with time with our dgc.

Good visit to PILs today, MIL was brighter especially after a 'productive' visit to the toilet FIL was somewhere on an island, asking me what I thought of island life, and quite pleased with the cabin he was in on the boat...

Aargh, parent vs work vs teenager ... no win!
The one that probably needs me most now but is getting less of me is my teenager so I'm contemplating early retirement - but worried that my DM will just see it as an excuse to demand even more of me.
Has anyone here mastered the art of slicing oneself into pieces and staying intact? advice welcome!

@Nodancingshoes that sounds so hard. Sending gin.
@TheIoWfairy could you not let dm know you’ve retired? 😉and please from a very battle scarred vet of these boards don’t slice yourself into pieces- you need to be in good shape to be any use to those around you. And you are so important to your teen now- can you outsource any dm stuff?
please use boundaries and protect them.

@TheIoWfairy that's what I thought - don't tell her you have retired! I never tell my nan when I've got a day / week off 😉

@TheIoWfairy I'd suggest saying that you've reduced your hours, which would be true.

@thesandwich @Nodancingshoes @Knotaknitter
at the moment I’m quite coy about my work days during the week and DM respects that I’m working and she mainly keeps herself entertained. However, weekends are a source of stress/frustration because she thinks that as I’m not working, I should be available for her - never mind my own family and friends or even, god forgive, I put my feet up for a bit. I’m just worried that without the ‘excuse’ of work, the stress will be endless. I wonder if I could actually manage to retire in secret? 🤔

I'm another one for not letting on. Im hoping to get redundancyv the next reorganisation and if I do I will retire but I'm not going to tell family or I know both my brothers (Inc the retired for 3 tears one) will step right back. Mum wouldn't remember.

@EmmaEmerald how are you doing? I hope you got a decent break!

I'm another who doesn't tell the full truth about my working hours. Luckily my mum was always the sort who never really listened anyway. So she knows what I do for a job but no idea of my hours. I've gone part time but I'm keeping that very quiet.
@Juneday I just read your post where you talk about the 'magic fairy'. What truth you wrote! Mum came out of hospital with crisis care team and they were worse than useless. They effectively forced me into being her magic fairy. As it happened I was off work, but only because I was unwell with a chest infection: hacking cough, short of breath, high temperature etc. I told them this on the phone when they rang to tell me they were discharging her (no warning either, was literally 'she's going home today and we'll send the crisis team in') They just said to wear a mask like they do.
They also wanted me to pick her up, but I refused as they had very little idea of her mobility and I wasn't confident that I could do it safely. Plus did they really want me bringing my germs into the hospital? She's still not forgiven me for that as she had to wait in the discharge area for a couple of hours. She brings it up any time she's feeling irritated at having to have carers in, or whenask a question that she doesn't want to answer.
I get a lot of 'but of course you're so busy' when I don't drop everything at a moment's notice, or got forbid send one of my brothers in. But at the same time I apparently make too much fuss.

It might be easier if she'd always been delightful and the cognitive changes had caused this, but we've had a rocky relationship for years - all those eggshells. I sometimes wonder what is dementia and what is sheer manipulation. I think there's a bit of both so I'm working hard on being clear about what I will and won't do, and trying to take none of the barbs personally. It's hard though. As many of us here know!

Love to all as we navigate all this 💕

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly I get that. My mum was always self absorbed and manipulative and she has just got worse. She's never really been interested in my or DB2s children only Golden DB1s so I'm never sure whether is dementia or disinterest when she asks me if the boys still live with us when they haven't for years.

@countrygirl99 big hugs! And isn't it always the scapegoat child that ends up being the most responsible in the end.
My lovely mother keeps comparing her lovely young carer to my similarly aged children. Her grandchildren can do very little right, and the carers all think she's delightful. My children have all said how much they want to love her and make her life easier, but she pushes them away. Has done so for years - all of us really - makes it so difficult and then when she gets snappy and manipulative we all think fine, suit yourself you old bat, and leave her to it.
You reap what you sow....

Mine thinks she has the right to my time on any annual leave I take and is very disapproving of leave being used for actual leisure/relaxation purposes (the year I booked myself into a spa on Xmas Eve because nursery was open but my work closed I thought she was going to spontaneously combust!)

So I now maintain the appearance of it being incredibly difficult to get leave booked, have never mentioned we can buy extra leave and I've done this most years. I've never directly lied but I've found working a half day WFH between Christmas and NY means I've massively been able to reduce time spent with her at Christmas because "I've got to get back to work"!

Well, here we all are in the trenches.Mum's fracture clinic appointment was bizarre. I think there's an age and frailty level where no one knows what to do for the best.

Then the care home phoned and they have a respite place, which she doesn't want. I suppose as I left her for 24 hours, she doesn't need it?

The plan is for her to be alone this weekend with a visitor and carer visits. Hope that's okay. I'm always scared I'll be accused of mismanagement.

group hug?!

Well this can FRO as far as I'm concerned!

I am still debating making an informal complaint, more a statement of concern, about the second care agency and care problems. I know they didn’t try the commode until district nurse and others reminded them (worried about UTIs causing delusion and 999 call); I know they served her a bread roll past sell by date, with just some benecol and 6 grapes for lunch, they left her with hot tea which she later spilt everywhere on several occasions. By pure chance I arrived with shopping just as a career went in, so sat outside with radio on and waited for second and noted the time. Agreed care was 2 Carers 40 mins. (Paid under NHS rehab so tax payers money in effect). The visit was one carer 14 mins. MiL has upstairs neighbour wfh and a few elderly curtain twitching neighbours who in the kindest way observed visits often. They have all mentioned to me how brief the visits were.

I wanted to help the carers and bought everything they asked for, many biodegradable wipes, (with which they managed to block the loo twice - DH & I cleared it) soaps, easy heat up meals, new sheets and disposable protective mattress covers for hospital bed. Use by dates ignored and £s of food thrown out.

paramedics were sympathetic to MiL so when carers arrived after 999 call and it was agreed hospital was not needed, the Carers went to leave without doing anything - the paramedic team would not let them leave until
they had performed their tasks and in the allotted time👍. One new career was really nervous and looked about 15, I assume she was 17, she was left on her own when I arrived with shopping and looked at me for help. I felt for her, but she should have been part of a pair including a more experienced carer.

if I complain to the agency will it make any difference? If I complain to CQC it will at least be noted, but I feel who ever coordinates this for NHS needs to know, they should be checking up on agencies surely?. MiL couldn’t put a coherent or believable sentence together - so asking her for feedback would not work 🤔

When we had issues with the care agency not checking mum's fridge so it was full of mouldy and rotting food we complained to the care agency and said we'd complain to the CQC if it didn't improve. It worked. Mum is self funded and just has 1 short visit to 1) see she's ok and 2) check the fridge.
We didn't want to change the agency as SS get billed by them and invoice us. This means we have a lower minimum visit time at a lower hourly rate. Changing to a private contract would treble the cost so we had an incentive to get them to sort themselves out.

I think I will explain my concerns to the agency for the sake of others; today I was at the flat and chatting to the next door neighbour and he said he noticed one career used to sit in her car for ages and then dash in and out of the flat. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I was told it was traffic and lack of time between visits - but it is clearly this carer choosing not to spend the time! Back from
nursing home - MiL very paranoid atm, all
sorts of strange accusations, her clothes being given to other residents, they forget to take her to her meals, have lost her books and glasses and all her combs. None true of course. Waiting assessment date as visiting GP rightly not keen to put her on anti psychotics if the cause is something treatable or not? She is trying to get up out of chairs and trying to slide off the bed … forgetting she needs lots of help. And shockingly shown a photo of her ankle (the broken one - 2 surgeries both with metal). There is no skin at the sight anymore and a metal screw is clearly visible. Earliest appointment with orthopaedics is 6 weeks …. She thinks if she keeps asking she can come home…. 🙁

@EmmaEmerald No-one who matters will accuse you of mismanagement. Social workers have seen it all.

@EmmaEmerald
Group hug indeed! 🤗

Group hug@EmmaEmerald 🤗

I retired in March but only told DM in June. I had to in the end. I felt bad lying about it. For years though I didn’t work on Wednesdays and kept that to myself.

I thought DH was being overly paranoid about not telling his family he'd reduced his hours just to get some time to himself, but apparently not.

It seems a bit futile this week, as MIL is, shall we say, not in a welcoming mood. Last week she was clingy and reluctant to let us leave, but this week it's been all bugger off, you're useless, stop bothering me. If she's elsewhere in the home we can go to her room for a bit to wait for her to forget she didn't want to see us, but we can't really wander around the place if she basically chucks us out from her room. So we drive off and do chores for FIL instead. It's all tremendous fun.

I saw mum yesterday. Last week the lift at the home broke down so all the beds and bedding were brought downstairs into the living rooms. Ten days later they are still sleeping downstairs in screened off sections like a hospital. It looks like a war zone. I asked her if she was back in her own room and apparently she wasn't one of the ones affected by the broken lift and she has gone up and down to her room every night! An amazing feat considering she has not walked for 2 years!

She did the strangest thing yesterday and I wondered if anyone else has seen anything similar. We ordered a massive photo card for her with a picture of her with my daughter and son in law taken when we had the wedding celebration at the home. On the bottom was the date, inside "To Grandma with love from DD and DSiL" and another photo on the back with "We love you so much". She read all the words but could not see the photos. She was convinced that rest of the card was blank. It was a beautiful photo chosen because of the bright colours - blue sky, white dress, mum wearing pink, groom in blue - but all she could process was the writing. It really brought home to me how very strange the world must appear to her and how lost and confused she must feel.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Some years ago my father was choosing new trousers, he had the choice between cream, navy and black. He said “I think I’d better have the cream to show up against a red carpet. If I have the navy I won’t be able to see them”. He is not,as far as I know, colourblind.