The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Definitely benefits to the mum not her daughter, that article. A very romanticised view, I think.
I look after my own mother from a safe distance, though it still involves visits to make sure she has enough food, is drinking enough, isn't trying to hang her washing out/water her plants unsupervised, etc. Admin regarding carers, dealing with her confusion over appointments too. She's deemed to have capacity but she's as well as she is because of the helpshe gets.
She's just nice enough to me for me not to just let the wheels fall off when she gets obstinate and argumentative and insanely independent. Carers twice a day is not enough but she doesn't think she needs more.
I really don't want her to get hurt because she is trying to do too much or gets dehydrated and falls over. But my goodness, dealing with her irritation at my attempts to help is stressful!

@InAMuddl & @EmmaEmerald - I found out this afternoon that it's Urosepsis. Pretty shaken to be honest but ploughing on through with working, visiting and updating my mum (who's not well herself) and my sister who lives in Australia.

Dad did seem a bit more himself today and they're keen to discharge him with oral antibiotics. Personally I think he should stay on IV until they know it's clear.

My mum needed me to fill in the gaps of the language and memory she was losing. She was like a swan - calm and elegant on the surface - and I was the legs paddling like mad trying to keep everything afloat. Once she went into hospital everything unravelled. I know UTI's and delerium in hospital are real issues but without me the truth about her mind and abilities became apparent very quickly.

@WhatHaveIFound I was replying to the discussion about how we keep everything together as carers. I hadn't seen your message about your dad.

Sepsis is so scary isn't it. Would he have a care package to go home or will your mum have to look after him?

You need a space between the end of the url and “this article”. It shows up properly in preview so you can play to heart’s content

Dad already has carers in the mornings but we'll have to add evening visits again, possibly a visit during the day too. It's more than mum can handle as she has been in & out of hospital over the last few years with anaemia.

DH and I got asked to give feedback about social care and how much we were consulted etc. Whilst since DH met SW she has been kind and could see lack of capacity and need for more help; I made the point that many of us feel - hospital discharge with Carers comes with the assumption that magic fairies do the shopping, the paperwork, the gardening, the washing, the cleaning…. In addition to what I would expect to do, keeping family, friends and neighbours updated. If MiL hadn’t moved to flat nearby how would those tasks been done. She is still on waiting list for a cleaner via Help the Aged that charges of course. I think the wait is 2 months. Luckily in nursing home atm waiting for review and assessment as she is often confused and aggitated, hallucinating again etc. Thinks her son is in disguise as an elderly gentleman at the home and spying on everyone 😮. The relief of her being safe and knowledgeable staff and well fed…. We didn’t feel This even with 4 care visits. So that’s how I put it on my response, why do social services and rehab team assume there are magic fairies helping😁 and why when they realised I was that magic fairy did they refuse to engage with me because I wasn’t a blood relative. 🤔

M own parents slowly declining 2 1:2 hours away in village with no public transport …. My sister already getting anxious! I reassure her that DP have the money to get good help, local friends and good neighbours and I have some experience of how things work and what might be needed, they have a cleaner and a gardener … next step is gradually weaning my father from his car and into taxis. Last time I went in the car with him he was seconds from
driving up a dual carriageway the wrong way 😮. Making the most of the rest bite before my DP really start to struggle.

What I wish your dad a speedy recovery

tbh mum has been allocated a morning and evening care visit but it’s pretty much 5 to 10 mins. I don’t mention it as it’s pretty pointless but obviously good if I’m unwell or something.

I would much prefer we pay for a morning, lunchtime and evening carer who can come at a set time. It’s debatable if it’s necessary but I think, my olds saved for a rainy day, the rainy day is here.

how anyone sorts shopping, cooking, cleaning, life admin etc for an oldie on top of full time work is beyond me. She still won’t allow any of her bills to be paid online. It took me years to talk her into direct debits.

I do feel very puzzled when people want to get old. Last week in the hospital I was looking for a vape spot and saw a few signs saying “smokers die younger”. That’s really a promo for smoking especially if you’re in and out of the geriatric ward.

I never thought I’d say something like this but after years of happy singleness, I don’t know how I’d manage without my boyfriend - and him being young is brilliant. No tedious talk of children or oldies.

I’m also able to vape in mum’s house as I don’t vape any of the weird intense fruit stuff that seems to emit giant clouds. I’m running on nicotine and sugar and chats with my boyfriend but those are the only things keeping me in good humour. I don’t know how long good humour will last though.

some days have been fine. Today was annoying because the key safe isn’t working. Mum will then ditch it altogether I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I swear if my mother moved into Buckingham Palace and had an entire phalanx of servants and ladies in waiting at her beck and call, she still wouldn't be happy.

Sister visiting from Australia. Dad decides to tell her that mum hit him last night. Cue phone calls from sister (haven't actually spoken to her for over 10+ years) what do 'we' intend to do about it.... Umm 'we' intend to do nothing at all as the 2 times it's been reported previously he then says it didn't happen, police send it to social services and social services do nothing at all.

Your mum is a tough one, for sure

Mine is over from Australia too in a few weeks time. I'm taking advantage of the fact she's here to leave the country. Hopefully she'll then appreciate everything I do!

Dad more improved today and the discharge coordinator called to discuss him coming home. Long list of things for me to do tomorrow starting with sorting more care!

Mum is clearly feels she is missing out not being in the big heatwave. I went up this afternoon and she's had the electric fire on all afternoon. It was stifling and gave me a headache.
She asked if DS2 and his wife have any plans to get married - it was their 3rd anniversary 2 weeks ago.
She asked how FIL is - he died just over a year ago.
I was showing her photos DS2 had posted on Facebook from their holiday and she kept asking why we weren't in any of them.
But she's fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with her apparently. Which there isn't physically, it's just her brain is failing Which she is unaware of.
Now back home with a large gin.

@EmmaEmerald your point about why anybody would want to get old really resonated with me. I'm too mature to live fast and die young now, but while I haven't quite finished doing all the living I want to do, I certainly don't want to make very old bones.
My mother will occasionally criticise her friends for their age related grumbles, and says they need to be more grateful to be alive, but I think death terrifies her so she can't think of anything worse.

Appreciating this thread - it seems we are all facing similar regarding the care of our elders, and it's good to be able to find the solidarity when they are being difficult in a place where we aren't told to be grateful they are still alive.
I think we can hold enormous compassion for them while still feeling frustration and irritation.

And one thing I feel that so many don't understand, is how resistant some are to our attempts to care for them and keep them safe. Mine being one of those. I popped in last week and she had a friend round, and they both sat and cackled at me for making such a fuss about her. Mum was saying how i don't trust her to look after herself and her friend told me they are both perfectly capable ( tbf friend is younger and probably terrified of that time coming for her) and I just quietly smiled, did what I'd come to do and left them to it. Inwardly deeply irritated!

And really, I don't want to be worrying about her and checking in all the time, but I've tried backing off and it took 4 days for her to get weak and dehydrated and have a fall. Not the first time either, but she doesn't remember the others and gets quite enraged if i mention her frailty, so I don't.
She also forgets appointments or gets the days wrong, and again I appreciate it's the (undiagnosed and utterly denied) cognitive decline which she can't help, but my goodness my life would be easier if she'd allow a bit more support from her family.

So sending best wishes to all those currently in the trenches, with an acknowledgement that I'm not yet in too deep and that it's only going to get worse!

Oh Sunshine I really sympathise. My mum thinks I'm making too much fuss. I'm leaving her alone tonight, earlier than planned, but she's got friends coming and a carer, so in theory will be fine.

I realise my presence doesn't stop her having a fall obviously.

I also think her friends will be doing the "why can't Emma move in" chat.

I talked earlier about hitting my limit...I think I started to feel resentment creeping in last night. I was just bone tired. Some of it is about being fat and unfit yes - but I think it's more tiredness from all the emotional ups and downs?

I've basically been here since 5am two weeks ago when I got the call from the emergency button people. It's been emotional ups and downs ever since. I have had two days "off" but that time just vanishes.

plan is to go home about midday, where my own life admin awaits. Then back to mum tomorrow evening as we have an early appointment at the fracture clinic. I am trying not to think what it will be like if she needs an op.

then in theory I will leave again on Friday and my boyfriend will be at mine Sat/Sun.

perhaps after going home today, for what should total 24 hours, I'll be okay again tomorrow. She isn't trying to be difficult.

re key box, I think we might have hit the point where if the ambulance have to break the door down, they have to 🤷🏻‍♀️ then she will be in A&E alone and I'll deal with the door!

Sunshine and Emma I think everyone on this thread understands & shares the anxiety, resentment and sadness that you both feel. It's such a horrible mixed bag of feelings.

Thank you
how's things with you?

Currently waiting for the state appointed carer to come and do a 10 min rush on showering and changing mum. This is what I don't get - mum has a fracture, we can afford to pay someone to do it at a fixed time and spend an hour with her at least. So...why aren't we?

Mine was like this @EmmaEmerald.
She had a hip op in a private hospital (NHS funded) but wanted me to take her to the toilet etc in hospital rather than "bothering" the staff. Bearing in mind there were plenty of staff around, they'd told her to ring for them if she needed anything and they're trained to do this whereas I'm not!

Apparently it's the daughter's duty.

Well, that's not the same as she's not asking me to do it

but she does ask me to hide away when the carer comes.

right, I'm out of here in about half an hour, praying for at least 24 hours peace and quiet.

I'll swear my father used to save up his toilet trips for my visits!

Oh dear @MereDintofPandiculation! I absolutely refused to do it. She was furious with me but I point blank refused to take her to the loo!

Fortunately it was only for a wee. I'd have drawn the line at anything else once he was in the nursing home.

Unfortunately both DB and I already passed that point with my mum - had to deal with a couple of “code brown” situations earlier in the year and I think it removed the last vestiges of any inhibitions she had on toilet matters.

MIL almost always needs help when using the toilet. She doesn't recognise the need to go until it's a matter of immediate urgency, and doesn't have the dexterity or coordination to remove her clothing in time. I don't have the heart to call for carers when she asks me for help. I say 'ask', but the tone is not one that will brook a refusal. The incontinence knickers are equal to most poorly aimed or timed wees, but more solid material is quite something else, and manages to adhere itself to any available surface, from shoes to waistband. Happily she's beyond being mortified by these little accidents, which is a kind of blessing, I suppose.

Thank you. Yes it's so good for all of us to have a place to feel heard and understood.
I'm finding it quite difficult that her care company won't listen to me at all. She's marked down as not being confused, so they seem to think I've got a very vivid imagination (as does mother - i overheard her telling a paramedic so!)